Narcissists will always keep a tally of what they did for you and the wrongs committed against them. This is called scorekeeping. And my NX excelled at it.
Not only did he keep a mental record of all the "nice" things he did for me, but he also makes note of all the things that I've ever done wrong. When it suits him, he brings up my mistakes - something he intends to never let me forget.
It didn't matter what we argued about. He consistently would bring up my past - the fact that I had been arrested, the fact that I had spent 6 days in a mental health ward, the fact that I was the one who had a mental health disorder diagnosed (incorrectly, I might add). The list would go on and on. He would bring up things from months past, even years. But if I dared to bring up any of HIS mistakes, he'd downplay their severity and quickly turn it back onto me. Because of my BPD (borderline personality disorder) diagnosis, he'd call me crazy and sick in the head.
Even now, he still strategically brings up that diagnosis in email conversations or phone calls.
He'd also be quick to remind me what good and nice things he's done, to point out that he did help out around the house. He would point out that he made dinner the Tuesday before or that it was HIS money that bought the food and other necessities. He would point out how he would take out the garbage maybe once in a while or perhaps did a load of laundry once the month before. He'd have to point those things out, just in case I had doubts. The Narcissist's idea of scorekeeping is, "Hey I did help out.....once." It doesn't matter how long ago this occurred. They will bring it up. And just to be certain to get their point across to you, the Narc may even rage during this scorekeeping episode. (See my post of The Narcissistic Rage for more.) My NX would also offer to pay for me to move out west to where he lived - just so I could be closer to the children. Knowing I would turn him down every time (because he can't stay put in one place for long), he would use this in court to point out how nice he was being, yet I was always the unreasonable one. (Well, if he stopped moving so often, then MAYBE I'd consider it. But then, I know what would happen if I did....once I got settled, he'd move again. I will not go country hopping after him. My children need ONE stable parent!) When you play the "You did this" and "I did that" game, you create an insurmountable tension between the two people. But for my NX, that didn't matter. All that mattered was that he had to stay on top, to be the winner. He wanted to one-up me every time. (See my post on The One-Up Game.) Has the Narc in your life played the scorekeeping game with you? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
3 Comments
123
8/28/2016 07:21:21 pm
I have a narcissistic father that likes to keep track of petty nonsense. One of his favourite ways is to point out how I'm a hypocrite. He's a cerebral narcissist that always has to prove how smart he is. Thankfully he's not actually as clever as he perceives himself to be. For example if I say I don't like a certain food, and then sometime later he sees me eating it, (It could be years later), he will go: "ah ah ah! You said you didn't like that!". In his warped brain he's being clever and getting one over on me. No dad, it doesn't make you look clever. It makes you look like a vindictive psycho obsessed with petty one-upmanship. Maybe your behaviour has something to do with why you have no friends? That's just one example. It took me decades to understand and come to terms with what he is doing and the harm it has caused me.
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Jenn
9/15/2016 09:44:38 pm
123......Narcissists love to "one up" their targets. My ex was so good at that. I sent my daughter $20 for a first lost tooth a few years ago. He buys the kids a puppy! A puppy, for goodness sake. Sigh. Anyway, I am glad you began to stand up to him. Narcs do not like it when their targets catch on to them and begin to call them out on things and fight back. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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My partner was the love of my life but also narcissistic. For six years it was always bout what she done for me. Excluding all i did as it was worthless. Like there was a price tag on me. Then she left me for someone else. Refuses to talk to me and hasnt since she left. No closure n her only reasoning was everything ive ever done wrong. She was always right and my opinion didnt count for shit. Sge once bought a brand new car without talking to me first then when the payments started i was the reason she waz in debt. People like this really leave you with emotional distress and move on to the next one. Narcissest i guess. I call them whores
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