Narcissists will always keep a tally of what they did for you and the wrongs committed against them. This is called scorekeeping. And my NX excelled at it.
Not only did he keep a mental record of all the "nice" things he did for me, but he also makes note of all the things that I've ever done wrong. When it suits him, he brings up my mistakes - something he intends to never let me forget.
It didn't matter what we argued about. He consistently would bring up my past - the fact that I had been arrested, the fact that I had spent 6 days in a mental health ward, the fact that I was the one who had a mental health disorder diagnosed (incorrectly, I might add). The list would go on and on.
He would bring up things from months past, even years.
But if I dared to bring up any of HIS mistakes, he'd downplay their severity and quickly turn it back onto me. Because of my BPD (borderline personality disorder) diagnosis, he'd call me crazy and sick in the head.
Even now, he still strategically brings up that diagnosis in email conversations or phone calls.
He'd also be quick to remind me what good and nice things he's done, to point out that he did help out around the house. He would point out that he made dinner the Tuesday before or that it was HIS money that bought the food and other necessities. He would point out how he would take out the garbage maybe once in a while or perhaps did a load of laundry once the month before. He'd have to point those things out, just in case I had doubts.
The Narcissist's idea of scorekeeping is, "Hey I did help out.....once." It doesn't matter how long ago this occurred. He will bring it up.
And just to be certain to get his point across to you, the Narc may even rage during this scorekeeping episode. (See my post of The Narcissistic Rage for more.)
My NX would also offer to pay for me to move out west to where he lived - just so I could be closer to the children. Knowing I would turn him down every time (because he can't stay put in one place for long), he would use this in court to point out how nice he was being, yet I was always the unreasonable one. (Well, if he stopped moving so often, then MAYBE I'd consider it. But then, I know what would happen if I did....once I got settled, he'd move again. I will not go country hopping after him. My children need ONE stable parent!)
When you play the "You did this" and "I did that" game, you create an insurmountable tension between the two people. But for my NX, that didn't matter. All that mattered was that he had to stay on top, to be the winner. He wanted to one-up me every time. (See my post on The One-Up Game.)
Has the Narc in your life played the scorekeeping game with you? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you!
The Top 10
Here you will find my most popular posts for easier discovery.
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Effects of Emotional Abuse
Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
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Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do
An Open Letter To All Survivors Who Just Got Out Of An Abusive Situation
The Great Manipulator
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The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.