I love having guest bloggers write for my site. It brings new insight to the topic of Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse. This blog post below is one of those amazing posts that just have incredible insight. I experienced each one of these 9 instances with my NX. Do you notice any similarities with the NX in your life? Share your stories below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
1. Circular conversations
You’ll think you worked something out, only to begin discussing it again in the next conversation. And it’s as if you never even said a word the first time around, or the 10th time around. The narcissist has lots of complaints about you, while ignoring any legitimate arguments you may have provided, time and again. At the end of the conversation, nothing will be resolved. The same issues will come up over and over again—why are they friendly with their ex.... again? Why are they suddenly distant? Why do they seem so eager to get out of your presence? And every time you bring up these issues, it’s as if you never even had the argument in the past. You get sucked back in, only to feel crazy & high-maintenance, then they decide “I’m sick of always arguing about this.” It’s a merry-go-round.
2. Bringing up your past wrongdoings & ignoring their own
If you point out something the narcissist is doing—like ignoring you, not listening to what you say, being distant, or issues with their ex—rather than discussing the issues you ask them to resolve, they’ll mention something from the past that you’ve done wrong. Did you once upon a time do something wrong? Well then, what they're doing isn’t really all that bad compared to what you did years ago. Did you do XXX two years ago? Well then, you can’t complain about what they're doing now. And God forbid you bring up any of their wrongdoings. Then, you are an abusive lunatic with a list of grievances that have no basis. In this way, the problem you bring up, however simple, never gets solved. 3. Condescending & patronizing tone The entire conversation will have the basis that you're obviously unreasonable, obsessed, or crazy, and they are entirely reasonable and a victim. It’s almost like they are examining you, because you realize that they aren't listening, just waiting you out. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when the narcissist will tell you to calm down, and tell you their feelings are hurt or you are abusive. The whole point of this behavior is to depict you as unhinged, and therefore give them the upper hand. Because remember, conversations are competitions to be won, not problems to be resolved. 4. Accusing you of doing things that they are themselves doing This will put you on the defensive, especially in heated arguments. You are trying to save the marriage or relationship, asking for changes, and to be heard, but they will begin labeling you with their own faults...so if they are negative and critical of you, they say you are like that. The narcissist will depict you as a horrible person, but they will at times accuse you of this in an indirect way. This will frustrate you and of course, you will react negatively, proving their point as far as they are concerned. By diverting the conversation into your numerous and onerous faults, they never discuss the real problems in the marriage. This is called PROJECTION by therapists. 5. This is true, but wait, then THIS is true If you angrily pull out of the conversation because it goes round and round, the narcissist will start insulting the things they once said they liked about you...you become a terrible person now. You’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to, because a positive thing is said at one time, then a demeaning and insulting comment later. They love you and they despise you, they think you are a good person, then a very bad person. There is no stability in their view of you. They leave you feeling totally unloved even while saying they love you. 6. The victim Somehow the narcissist's problems and their confusing behavior that's inconsistent with a marriage or relationship will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past, and then they compare you to their former abuser, even if the former abuser ex IS the problem causing the confusion. The idea is for you to end up feeling bad for them, even when they've done something wrong. Then after doing this, they will seek an opportunity to bond with you over their supposed complex feelings. And once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere by acting as if they have changed, they will soon become distant and things go back to the way they were.... no bonding or deep spiritual connection whatsoever. They are the ones saying “abuse” while being abusive—and, in the end, you are left feeling nothing but empty. 7. You begin explaining basic human emotions and actions You find yourself explaining things like “empathy” and “feelings” and “being nice”, what is a “bad person” and what is a “good person”, what are bad motives and what are good motives, what is OK for a person to do in a certain circumstance, and what is not OK, or you explain that a person has obviously bad intentions, which the N says has good intentions, then says the opposite later, and then claims they never said anything else. Most adults do not need to be taught the golden rules from kindergarten. You do this because you have attempted to see the good in them. You think to yourself, “if they can just understand why I’m hurt, then they’ll stop doing it.” But they won’t. In the first place, they wouldn’t have done all the hurtful things they have done if hurting you was their primary concern. The worst part is, they have this sweet, caring persona. They know how to be kind & good, but they will hurt you again and again, and then you realize that your happiness is not nearly as important to them as you once imagined, because they are more than willing to hurt you if necessary for what is a “higher good” in their mind....and they really believe they are doing the right thing while doing this, and your pain is irrelevant. The marriage is sacrificed to the “greater good”, or to what they want to do, no matter how hurtful it is to you. 8. Excuses Everyone messes up every now and then, but narcissists give flimsy excuses rather than actually following through with promises. When their actions don't match up with their words, they shrug and say they weren't really thinking about it. You'd be humiliated if you broke a promise, but they are emotionless and it simply isn't a serious problem to them, even when you point out that they are destroying the all trust in your marriage and that the marriage can't survive without trust. They know that, but it's irrelevant, whereas once, it was extremely important to them...but that's long gone. You are disappointed so frequently that you can't feel relieved when they do something decent—they condition you to expect to be disappointed again and again, and you are. All happiness is temporary, and just a short reprieve before another inflicted hurt. 9. “What in the world just happened?” These conversations leave you drained. You may be left with an actual headache, but definitely a sense of total frustration. You will spend hours, even days, thinking over the argument you've just had. You’ll feel as if you exhausted all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing. Even if you have well thought out arguments in your head, you can never respond to all the deflections, accusations, personal attacks, and asides that make your points get lost and become irrelevant, so you try again and again to bring the conversation back on track. You will feel the need to defend yourself and much of the time is spent in this way. You can tell the narcissist isn't really listening, they just want you to shut up so they can go back to doing the same thing and ignoring what you said. You’ll try to come up with a diplomatic solution, and you admit that you have been wrong at times. But in the end, you’ll find that you’re the only one truly apologizing. One day you realize you are the only one trying to save this marriage or relationship, and that's the saddest day of your life. You sink into despair. It's hopeless without the narcissist truly wanting to repair and renew your relationship. You become resigned to a divorce happening, sooner or later. Perhaps now, or perhaps you will go on for years in a loveless relationship...empty inside. Your spiritual life is dead. So, altogether, these 9 things will be enough to prevent any problem from being resolved because the narcissist doesn't intend to resolve anything. They just want to get out of the present discussion and then, they avoid thinking about the problem, and avoid you. They don't even like you anymore, much less love you, but never the less they will blame you for the divorce despite the fact that you tried over and over to save it, with no cooperation from them. And, you you feel lost and empty...and you find yourself asking again and again.....WHY? For God's sake, WHY? With a narcissist, there is no closure, and no possible answer to that problem....there is only the knowledge that you did the right thing, that it wasn't your fault, and that one day you will meet someone who will appreciate those good qualities.
**Article reprinted with permission by Soulmates in Hell blog and was originally published on Sept. 10, 2015.
65 Comments
Ta Ru
7/4/2016 02:02:38 pm
This is spot on and excellent. My life. Thanks for the validation especially after 14 years and 3rd marriage planning my escape.
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Jenn
7/4/2016 02:12:34 pm
Ta Ru....You're welcome. That's exactly why I posted this particular guest blog. It rang true for me as well. That's the thing with Narcs....it's like they use the same game book. We may have different names, and come from different walks of life. But our stories are the same. We survivors share that in common. I'll be thinking of you. Stay safe. Hang in there.
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Lynn
2/18/2022 09:30:14 am
I would be so grateful if you could recommend a therapist. I’ve been reading your article over and over for the past few years and it’s so true.
Zoe Rhodes
7/6/2016 11:19:00 am
This article was like a gift from the Gods. I'm still struggling over the loss of my bff. Mostly I'm afraid to never have that kind of (even if it was an illusion) bond with anyone else. But this article resembled many of our conflict type conversations. When trying to discuss, especially near the end of our relationship, she would shut down. He would remove himself from my presence. I was told I flew off the handle, took things the wrong way and abused my father, anytime I wanted to discuss what I saw happening in our relationship. The control was horrible. My ability to try and keep them happy, and unhurt by my rejection of their sexual advances probably caused more harm to the relationship than their narcissistic behavior did. That's why I am being even more open, honest, and even probably more blunt than I ever have been. Shocking I know LOL! But When Leon and I got together, we told each other we'd be brutal in our honesty, even to the point of pain, because we wanted things crystal clear in our relationships. And if I expect this from my spouse, why not from everyone else that wants a spot in my life?
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Jenn
7/6/2016 11:48:57 am
Zoe....I am glad you found my blog. I do understand your fear. When my NX discarded me, I felt as you do...that I'd never find anyone to feel that way about. That's what a Narc does....to gas the victim feeling unworthy. But, you ARE worthy, Zoe. Please remember that. And another BFF will see that too. Being honest certainly does have its benefits. I've always told my friends that too....that I am a tell it like it is kind of girl. My friends respect that about me. I hope the people in your life appreciate that about you. Hang in there. I'll be thinking about you.
Ashley Vivian
9/24/2017 02:00:08 am
My names are Ashley Vivian, Am here to share a testimony on how Dr Raypower helped me. After 1/5 year relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship. But cannot stop thinking about him so i decided to go online and i saw so many good talk about this spell caster called Dr Raypower and i contact him and explain my problems to him. He cast a love spell for me which i use and after 24 hours, my boyfriend came back to me and started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr Raypower helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before.You can also contact this spell caster and get your relationship fix Email: [email protected]
Mark
4/28/2019 12:29:05 pm
Unreal
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Ta Ru
7/6/2016 11:22:11 am
Please add me again. I accidently unsuscribed. Thanks.
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Jenn
7/6/2016 11:51:05 am
Ta-Ru.....I will take care of that tonight. There was an issue with my Contact Me page, so I took it down. I'll put it back up tonight, and you can re-add yourself. I appreciate the interest, thank you! :)
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Jean
8/6/2016 05:50:19 am
Best concise summary of my 17 year marriage that I have ever read. So thankful now that it is over and I am on my way to recovery. It was a painful journey. Thank you.
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Jenn
8/6/2016 08:41:04 am
Jean......You're welcome. I am glad you are on a path towards healing and recovery. I'll be thinking of you.
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Hypatia
8/6/2016 10:09:01 am
Yes, the deep conversations you had in the beginning will last only as long as it takes to hook you. Once you are addicted, they sigh a breath of relief... 'hard work's over... now I can relax and watch her squirm." It's SO very hard for us to understand such behavior coming from fellow human beings. Maybe once in a while this is acceptable when someone (children) is hurt or angry and wants your attention... but they do it ALL THE TIME. The hardest part is figuring out... HOW did they learn to behave so normally?? And if they figured it out, why don't they continue to behave normally so they can keep you? WHY do they even pretend to connect with someone if they don't WANT to, and CANNOT connect?? I'm convinced that we share this planet with some kind of other species that just look human.
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Jenn
8/6/2016 08:16:22 pm
Hypatia...You ask some very good questions! I have asked myself those same questions. It's difficult to understand just WHY they pretend to be normal, then all of a sudden, turn into such an abusive person.One of the many things that I've learned from my experience is that it's all about having power and control over someone. It's not that they can't connect with others, it's that they choose not to because that will show vulnerability and to show that means they aren't perfect in their own eyes.Some great questions, Hypatia.....it makes a person think about who and what a narcissist really is.
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Dane
8/6/2016 05:20:54 pm
The final conversation just happened for me last week. It's all so raw and I am devastated. It is taking everything in me to stick to no contact. I really miss him.
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Jenn
8/6/2016 08:22:42 pm
Dane....Yes, it will be very raw and devastating at first. One step at a time. It's okay to miss the other person. That's normal. One thing I can tell you is that you shouldn't rush healing and recovery. Let yourself feel the hurt, the grief. I don't blame you either for feeling that sticking to the no contact is hard. It will be hard. But I promise you, it will get easier with time. If you are able to, begin to involve yourself in your community or go spend time with friends. Doing that has helped me tremendously! Good luck to you. I'll be thinking of you.
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I had mine 2 weeks ago and this is my record of sticking to the no contact. I blog accurately described the relationship I had with a guy 2 years. I turned my whole life upside down for him meanwhile it was all a game for him. I mean a marriage of 10 years about to split up my home and so forth. I had never cheated but had a turbulence marriage. Here he came as Prince Charming making me feel like he was so perfect. I found out really quickly after that intense love period ended. They crazier part is he warned me when it was all about to end. That point where he knew he had me hooked and he could quit trying so hard. Yep he certainly did and it was from that day forward he became a monster. Needless to say I found what true love was and have been able to reunite with my husband and really work on the things that both of us took for granted. It's not easy to break from narcs and even though I have my husband trust and believe it was difficult and I did and still feel those feelings you all mention. In fact it was so difficult that I always pushed my husband away waiting for the day he would arrive to his point of responsibility of his actions and make a change. After 3 years I realize it wouldn't happen and I was waiting for the inevitable.
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Jenn
3/11/2017 01:00:02 pm
JoJo......I'm glad you are able to sort things out with your husband. Going No Contact with that other guy though is a wise choice. That's the only way to deal with Narcs (except if a survivor has children with the Narc, going Minimal Contact is the way to go).
Renee
8/7/2016 01:13:59 pm
Did the author become a fly on the walls in my house during the 17 years of marriage? Crazy creepy and accurate in every discription.
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Jenn
8/7/2016 01:21:59 pm
Renee.....I know, right? The names may be different, but our stories are so similiar. It's comforting to know we aren't alone. I hope you are doing well now. I'll be thinking of you.
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Beverley Davison
8/7/2016 11:54:15 pm
OMG... wish I had read this year's ago.. So spot on its scarey..glad that I took heed and left a 30 year miserable relationship to find the love of my life... It's NEVER too late..
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Jenn
8/8/2016 06:03:58 am
Beverley......I am glad for you. Hope you are doing well now. And yes, I do know it's possible to find love again.....I am also in a happy and healthy relationship now. Take care.
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Mari
8/8/2016 12:28:58 am
THANK you for this! Having ended a relationship of a few years with a narcissist 6 months ago, I'm still recovering. I've started dating and seeing my pattern of men I attract and whom I'm attracted to. It's all the same guy! This last one was just 5 dates when I set a boundary. He had a habit of "playfully hitting" me while talking and joking. I told him to stop, I'm a trauma survivor and it was triggering me. He took offense saying he didn't have the "skill set" to be with someone like me! Cold, detached, unemotional and patronizing. Me: Done!
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Jenn
8/8/2016 06:11:11 am
Mari.....It's a step forward when you know not only what type of person you go for but also what triggers you. You have an awareness about yourself that I didn't have immediately after my ex. Bravo for you setting that boundary with that guy. Hope things are better for you now. I'll be thinking of you.
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Sussi
8/14/2016 07:53:25 pm
It is so frustrating never to have been able to bring a point of view forward without it being twisted and turned and somehow you end up being at fault and a horrible person. It was a relief to finally realise it was an abusive situation. It is frustrating also that noone actually believs you when you tell them as outwards towards friends they are so charming.
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Jenn
8/14/2016 11:10:22 pm
Sussi.....I hear ya. It certainly was a relief to be free of him. It hurts though when people didn't believe me. I hope you are doing well now. Take care.
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8/16/2016 09:36:41 pm
I been living with a my husband for 14 years And if he didn't have his affairs.
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Jenn
8/16/2016 10:06:53 pm
Minnie.....You're welcome. I am glad you are stronger now. Just know that you are an amazing person, and your experience is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It is the Narcissist's fault. My ex and I have 2 kids, and because he has custody, I also feel like he'll never leave me alone. I have my moments too. I think we all do at times. Just focus on yourself and your child right now. Heal together. I'll be thinking of you.
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Kimberly Keene
9/25/2016 11:34:54 pm
I am not alone, crazy or delusional! Thank God I found you. As of now, I am still in the horror that is "my relationship " and if he was aware I had made this discovery, I would be receiving a lecture on my "unacceptable behavior." Pray for me.
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Jenn
9/28/2016 06:11:20 am
Kimberly.....I am glad you found this blog too. At the top of the page is a Facebook icon. It'll take you to the Facebook page of the same name as the blog. Follow me there, there's lots more I post. Anyway, yes......Narcissists absolutely HATE when we find out the truth about them. They do what they can to keep their monstrous ways hidden. Stay safe. I'll be thinking about you.
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Zoe
12/31/2016 12:30:06 pm
I have not read anything so succinct and spot on as this article, as far as what transpired during that murky and bizarre outcome of what I iintiontioned as a healthy discussion to work out our problems. This post really resonates with me too. Every single one of these instances occurred during one of the pivotal and final discussions with the N where I was left thinking WTF? I cannot belief how true it is!! Thank you so much for sharing it. I needed the validation as we go into the new year and narc free!!!
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Jenn
12/31/2016 12:35:01 pm
Zoe.....You are welcome. This post was reprinted with permission from Soulmates in Hell blog. It resonated with me too, that is why I asked for permission to reprint it. It's incredible how similar survivors' stories are!
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Mark N
3/4/2017 12:36:04 pm
This is so true. I was depressed, full of Anxiety, and suicidal. She did all these things and more.
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Mrs Vain
3/5/2017 09:31:20 am
I just found this and i am blown away how accurate it is.. .. ...This was my life for 15 years!!! I kept trying tho sewage my marriage and he kept doing things to hurt me... .. ... i remember going thru all 9 of these instances with every conversation. I remember feeling like i was going crazy.
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Jenn
3/5/2017 10:41:07 am
Mrs.......The reality of what Narcs do was one of the hardest parts for me to really really get. The absolute hardest was accepting that they don't love their children (if they have any). They only use the children as pawns in their sick and twisted game. Each of those 9 things above was so eye opening. I was shocked to say the least when I too finally realized my ex was doing these things on purpose. It's all so they don't have to accept any responsibility for their actions. And I'm just waiting for the mask to slip off with the ex's new supply too. They are set to marry next month. And I'm willing to bet that his mask will begin to slip after the wedding, if it hasn't already. I too saw each of these things while I was still with my ex, but I explained them away too. I thought oh I misunderstood him, or he had a bad day, etc etc etc. When things start to add up, we realize we don't ever want to be treated like that again. And that is when our healing journey begins.
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Liza
3/6/2017 06:39:22 pm
My life exactly for 17 years. For years I fought to figure what was wrong with him, with us, how to make it work. When I finally left he was so shocked and "didn't know why". He said he got upset (raging) because I didn't listen to him or "understand" him. Actually told me I kidnapped our daughter- which is joke cause I have legal custody... and recently told me he'd forgive me for leaving him and saying mean things about him and come back to us because he understood that I'm "just going thru menolause"! What a joke. Glad to have found info and blogs like this to give me the understanding and strength to leave.
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Jenn
3/11/2017 01:01:55 pm
Liza......I'm glad you found the strength to do what is best in your situation. How is your healing path now? What sorts of things do you do to help you in your healing journey? I am always looking for new ways to give my healing journey a new boost. Ya know?
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Katjandu
3/6/2017 10:27:48 pm
This describes the relationship with my son and his wife. We started out having an awesome relationship but once she was pregnant everything changed and now 5 years later, it's a mess and I never ever do anything right because they always change the rules and accuse me of being mean when they are mean. My husband said I have bent over backwards to accommodate them.
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Jenn
3/11/2017 01:07:08 pm
Kat......I am not a legal advisor or a therapist, so I can't truly advise you what to do in the case of your will. I just know that you need to do what you feel is best. Seek out the advise of a lawyer if you need to. As for the sending of the cards thing.....I would continue to do that. It shows continued love and interest in your grandchildren. I do nearly the same thing with my own children......I handwrite them letters almost every week. I have been doing this nearly every week for around 3 months or so. I have only gotten back 3 letters from each of them. Yes, it's an investment with purchasing paper, envelopes and stamps, but it's worth it in my eyes. I hope you find some resolution to your situation. If you haven't already, come on over to my Facebook page of this same name....just click the "F" icon at the top of this page. I post lots of informative things there, too. Hang in there.
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Katjandu
3/11/2017 07:47:58 pm
We are thinking that if we send mail to the grandsons we are rewarding my son and daughter in law for their mean, narcissistic behavior. So we are going to stop all of that until we hear from them.
Kat
3/29/2017 02:34:29 am
*picks jaw up off of the floor*
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:12:28 pm
Kat.......I am glad you found my blog. Please also check out my Facebook page of this same name.....just click on the F icon at the top of this page. I post lots of informative things. I hope that you will be able to find the things useful in your healing journey.
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Miracle
4/3/2017 05:30:41 am
I have just ended my relationship with a narc. It was for 1.5 years and fortunately during his abusive treatment I always tried to find a way to cure my hurt. Even when I didnt know how, I always tried. Until finally I sort of waking up from what had happened so far. And it was then I could find myself back and find the most suitable healing for me..So in the end it was not so hard and I could tell him goodbye and remain quite calm with his protest and tantrum. It still hurt though. I did a lot of healing session everyday and it help me a lot and keep me intact during this break up.
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Jenn
4/5/2017 08:37:32 pm
Miracle........I'm sorry you endured that. But being on a good healing path is important, and I'm glad you have found yourself on that path now. Good for you. :)
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Andrew
6/17/2017 01:11:46 am
24 years. I stayed 24 years. Folks, it's not just men and women, it's gay couples too. Every word I'm reading online about NPD is true. I see now he was like an actor following a script in a play. He was a cliche. There is nothing original in his behaviour at all. He discarded my predecessor in favour of me. During the last few years he played around behind my back. When I discovered this by chance and confronted him with it, do you know what he said? "Well, perhaps you should pay me more attention." He broke every rule of our relationship, and his first response was to blame me. Like a fool I forgave him. Eventually he left me for another, younger, guy but he never told me about him. Again I found out purely by chance after it had been going on for a year!! Even as we were breaking up he told me I was his "soul mate" and "the love of his life"!!! They live in another country and he invited me to visit them! OMG it's classic! Anyway I have made contact with my predecessor from all those years ago and discovered that EVERY TRICK, EVERY MANNERISM, EVERY BEHAVIOUR WAS EXACTLY THE SAME! This is all mindblowing to me. Clearly NPD is a recognisable condition with definable characteristics. I wish I had known this 20 years ago. I would have got out then and sought therapy for whatever buried childhood trauma if my own allowed me to be bedevilled and being driven nearly mad with the gaslighting, the obfuscation, the goalpost shifting, the "shooshing", the "move on its in the past", the total lack of closure, the unresolved arguments, the public humiliations ("run along little boy"), the lies, the infidelities, the rages, the "what you should have said was"-es, the strutting, the bullying and the endless projection of all his faults onto me. Oh and did I mention the faint smile of satisfaction which he could not hide whenever I finally broke down and lost my temper? I could go on! Friends, do not waste time in regret! This was my first long term relationship. As I said, 24 years of this sh*t. Most of you are still young. I'm 64 now and I tell you: be free! Move on quickly! But also consider seeking help to heal and to make sure it never happens to you again. We are good, clear-eyed and caring people! This would not have happened to us if we weren't. Take comfort from that.
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Amy
1/23/2018 09:45:10 pm
Thank you. You are so right. Hopefully you are in a good place.
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Sarah
6/21/2018 09:31:52 am
Thank you for this! The last comment made me feel that I can do this. I can leave. We ARE good people and that's why we were made prey to begin with. Thank you. And, damn. Isn't this article the best thing in the world???!!!
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Melissa
7/29/2018 10:42:07 pm
I am a female married to a Trans man who is NX. As we speak he's in the next room telling me im a horrible person and a user. I gave him a bowl of noodles without steak because he doesnt eat stake. So confused but this is happening every day, violent outbursts over nothing. Im constantly defending myself over things I know im doing with good intentions. The other night he told me he "didnt love me like that anymore and no matter what I do im always wrong." He'll do nice things and although I thank him he'll turn around and say im a user. In the beginning it was roses and vacations and a connection I had been longing for my whole life. Then after we got a house, made our foundation for the rest of our life, what used to be our heaven became everything he hated. Its like a different person. Sometimes we get along so well, I love him with all my heart but these outbursts are becoming more frequent and out of the blue. I am drained emotionally and physically. And now im trying to figure out how im going to move on....
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This article is my life. Like someone has been living inside my heart and wrote it all down. I flip flop from sad to mad to despair. All 9 of these go on all of the time. The disrespect and lovelessness is beyond my understanding but I can sure be held accountable and made to feel crazy with just a word or tone. I'm in therapy and praying for the strength to walk away and learn to stop caring. It's such a mean and heard hearted existence. And everything is always about them. He's supposed to have major knee surgery in a month and is an addict and I'm not allowed to talk to the dr. My concerns don't count even though I get the wrath of him being high or needing another pain pill. I've tried for gheee months to make a plan but he refuses. He's in such denial and I'll be trapped into having to caretaker him. It makes me sick. All the while not being allowed access to funds or support. What kind of evil person does this. I'm ranting. Sorry
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Jb
11/4/2017 09:09:55 pm
In a marriage they (covert n) are like a train that just plows on unchanged, it takes awhile to finally understand the full picture....it deliberately keeps you in chaos, confusion, while pressing forward using obligation, empathy and guilt to trap you further. Add debt, add mortgage, possessions, that's when they really let go ramp up the abuse as they are reaching the win win they hoped for. You've been duped, traped, they can bend reality, play you into narrative there always dreamed of, were they are poor victim, while covertly abuse and sabotage, be superior, in control, masterminds.... they make you whoever they please, and destroy you with your own reflection. If you leave, I think they don't believe you ever can, they will execute WW3 and proceed to win all mode, which is held over you as part of the trap, zero empathy, anything goes, as if you've never known this person at all...children as pawns, use every legal and social connection against their victim. Are there really people like this? Definitely, yes more than you think.
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Jazzy
11/20/2017 09:39:34 am
I know this article is dated from last year but this is exactly what I’ve been going through with my husband. We are currently separated and I do always find myself asking “why”. Often times I wonder what is best for my family. This article really helps me decide what is best for me and my kids. Spot on!!
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MS
1/15/2018 08:26:45 am
Thank you for writing this. This is my heart right now as my husband entered the discard phase for the second time in two years. This latest phase (let’s end this amicably be rational being his first input after telling me he has no feelings for me) came two months I gave birth to our son. I feel sorry for our child, that he will have such a man for a father. I feel sorry for myself because I gave him everything but my blood but still got no explanation or dignity. I’ve waited three months for him to tell me what he wants to do, divorce or counseling. Reading posts like these make me realize there is only one option, that I should flee and never look back. My process of healing has already started because I can’t stand to see him anymore and I realize now it was never my fault.
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Aaron
3/27/2018 10:56:54 pm
I'm shocked now, in disbelief, knowing now that I'm not alone in this very scary whirlwind. This is amazing! Thank you for sharing this. Thank God. I have been looking for a support group where I live but find nothing.
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Kimberly Keene
7/28/2018 06:30:03 pm
You described the soulless bastard I have lived with for 6 years as if you lived in my head. I have walked away countless times, only to return to the insanity. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that he has no conscience, no shame, no compulsion to apologize, EVER and no problem calling me crazy and delusional. Which is twisted in and of itself, but I am Bipolar1 and I have PTSD and anxiety problems. Instead of helping me cope or being supportive, he uses my mental illness as a weapon against me! I want out, but I have nowhere to go and i keep returning. Help me, I am desperate
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Sofia
9/16/2018 10:02:12 am
Absolutely spot-on. Even the quotations... have heard the EXACT same phrases from my ex. It was pure hell for 2 years and now I know I wasn't the problem at all when all I tried to do was save the relationship.
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Iris
10/18/2018 04:21:24 pm
I am new to thus sight and am interested in reading more
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K
10/31/2018 04:09:25 pm
Thank you for writing this!
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Paola Charito
11/30/2018 07:18:50 am
Thanks for sharing. This describes exactly how it is. Its so draining. Wonder if she will ever change. The conversation only stops when i give her instruction and she seems to follow then only to show after some couple of days that she hasnt understood anything and always seems to know that she has no idea what we have been agreed about to not have this "fight" in the future. Is she doing this on purpose to have me on her side and doesnt really care? She always plays victim as if im the one who is picking a fight when its really her in the first place. She push me by saying false accusations, claiming and cursing and ofcourse i react.
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Dorothy4
1/17/2019 06:44:38 pm
"I am glad I came across your article on how to Save My Marriage Today . The situations and solutions presented are real, practical and simple to implement. Other websites painted a picture that marriage should be absolutely perfect and have no problems but we all know that's impossible to achieve. However your Spell has shown me that marriage needs work and a change in certain attitudes and behaviors, and after that things are not as complicated as we like to think. Thank you Dr Lawrence you for Saving My Marriage and for helping me get my marriage back on track!" I hope this helps somebody out here i highly recommend Dr Lawrence for those seeking help to restore their love life to contact him what-apps +1914 208 8349 or email Drlawrencespelltemple @ gmail . com
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Clarice
2/5/2019 03:04:02 am
Wow! It’s like someone dipped in my head and pulled out what I’ve felt for sooo long and put it down on paper. Only problem is I see no resolution, only a slow demise of a long relationship... I keep trying to think if I do any of this (I hate being a hypocrite), and I know I’m not perfect or always easy to live with either, but nothing compared to my spouse of 11 years/14 together. I have always said it’s like he doesn’t want to make up, resolve anything, find a compromise, apologize (god forbid!), or anything that would indicate he cares about our marriage. Only his point matters; burn everything else to the ground! I have to always give in, apologize when they should, beg, and plead for something they should care and fight for just as much, and feel like I shouldn’t even have to! I’m left feeling like I can never even imply they may have made a mistake, are wrong, are imperfect in anyway, or should apologize for something they did. I have to just swallow it and play happy in order to not bring out the rage over nothing sometimes. They are such a hypocrite, liar, immature, and has an excuse for everything (you’re almost 50, grow the F up!). We have an amazing beautiful kid, which is probably the only reason we are still together. We try not to fight in front of her ever, but he is so unfair, passive aggressive, and doesn’t want to resolve anything so it goes on for days sometimes, that it is hard to hide from our kid. Quite frankly I don’t want her to see me taking his BS. Sometimes I think it’s better my kid sees me angry and standing up for myself over being strained and fake (they’re not dumb and know something’s going on). My kid is also in counseling for anxiety, so even more important to give them stability. I agree fighting is not good in front of them, but neither is being mad over nothing/everything all the time, and never being wrong. That causes so much tension. I can’t say “pick up your shoes please” without him saying I’m “yelling” at him (god forbid I’m annoyed at him leaving his shoes right in front of the door and tripping on them for the 100th time, like he’s a little kid that can’t pick up after himself- but don’t ever sound irritated or annoyed! Even though he can talk to me however he wants and I can’t say “boo”). The least he usually does is mouth “fuck you” to me behind my kids back, then say I’m at fault for their anxiety for “yelling at him” and “emasculating him” in front of our kid when he purposefully baited me (I think he’s at fault for not allowing a resolution, making it worse on purpose, or not ever being wrong!) He turns into a big condescending baby, that obviously just wants to remain angry (but blame all on me - could have been over if dealing with reasonable person). The worst he’s done is threaten to leave out the door with nothing (over and over), one time threatened himself so I called cops and afterwards he said he would never forgive ME for it. Well don’t do something to make me call the cops! He should apologize to me for the whole ordeal(s)! Also, I just told the cops we were fighting and I was scared he was going to leave not in his right mind. They said he is a grown man and could leave if he wants. I agreed with that, but I was covering for the truth at that point. I really believe he is just an ahole that wasn’t going to do anything and was just making his dramatic point, but I wasn’t going to test that theory in the moment. Another time he got mad at me on the way to a 10 day vacation, got super drunk, was really mean and rude to me for entire 6 hours, and when landed kept saying was turning around and going right back home. It took 5 days before we were kind of “normal” again, and by then had ruined most of the vaca & embarrassed ourselves in front of my parents (I got really sick and laryngitis as a result too -no apologies, all my fault for how I talked to him when he couldn’t hear me). He did almost same thing again 2 years later. I always have to take over as the parent during his rage sessions since he’s completely checked out (saying overly dramatic things like “tell them I loved them” and shit); all while I have to try desperately to pretend all is fine with my kid (again, not stupid). Add quite a few more other minor and major blowups over the years, and I am quite sure I am very depressed, have lost so much trust, hardly let or want him to touch me (the smug ahole who’s always right- well I can still control my body!), and I just exist (I lost 30-40 lbs over the last 9 mos just from not eating due to anxiety. Everyone says I look great and how’d I do it? I just shrug). Most fights start from something pretty normal in a marriage, that could be worked through if both are reason
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Sheri Corbett
2/23/2019 07:12:26 pm
SPOT ON! Every word! Working on getting away from my second marriage to a narcissist.
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Darcie
6/3/2019 08:22:24 pm
This is one of the best, most well written and insightful writings on the actual experience as it is happening. The narc really is just a miserably frustrating experience and I dont think they understand their own motives or why they behave this way. They really do believe they are correct. The one dimensional view means theyre are truly emotionally blind. So very sad for them, and us. Thank you.
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sandra lopez
7/4/2019 10:01:23 am
I have been suffering from (HERPES) disease for the last four years and had constant pain, especially in my knees. During the first year, I had faith in God that I would be healed someday.This disease started to circulate all over my body and I have been taking treatment from my doctor, a few weeks ago I came on search on the internet if I could get any information concerning the prevention of this disease, on my search I saw a testimony of someone who has been healed from (Hepatitis B and Cancer) by this Man Dr. Silver and she also gave the email address of this man and advise we should contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so I wrote to Dr. Silver telling him about my (HERPES Virus) he told me not to worry that I was going to be cured!! hmm i never believed it,, well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man few weeks later I started experiencing changes all over me as the Dr. assured me that I have cured, after some time i went to my doctor to confirmed if I have been finally healed behold it was TRUE, So friends my advice is if you have such sickness or any other at all you can email Dr. Silver ([email protected]) sir I am indeed grateful for the help I will forever recommend you to my friends!!! with your lovely Email Address ( [email protected]
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Jenn, i just wanted to add something that has done wonders for me.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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