If it's one thing about Narcs that you need to know, it is that they never give you a real apology. If they give you one at all. They will sometimes "apologize" but it is mostly to shut you up. I always felt so insulted whenever my NX would give me these fake apologies.
Narcs will imply that you are stupid enough to believe these "sincere" apologies. The "I'm sorry" is always followed by a "but." They will do whatever it takes to trap you in their web of lies. Once they feel they have you hooked, they know you will believe anything they tell you. They will continue their twisted word games and use backhanded fake apologies. So how do you know what a true apology is versus a Narc's fake one? A real apology will consist of three parts: the I'm sorry, the I was wrong, and the how can I make it better. A Narc won't do that. Why? Because that will show vulnerability, and a Narc can't have that. A real apology will see you at the core, as in "You are hurting because..." A Narc apology will have themselves at the core, as in "I am hurting because you...." So what is the reasoning for the Narc's fake apology? The Narcissists know you found out vital info that will expose them, and they will do whatever it takes to divert the attention away from themselves. They will twist it around and wind up blaming you! And sadly, some Narcs won't even use the "I'm sorry, but" apologies. They'll go straight for the jugular and begin a verbal assault on you. So what will a Narc say? Below are several examples of fake apologies (many of which my NX said to me!). 1. "I'm sorry, but you overreact to everything anyway." 2. "I'm sorry, but everyone else thinks it was funny. You just have no sense of humor." 3. (An exasperated sigh) "I'm sorry. Happy now?" 4. "I'm sorry about that argument. But you started it." 5. "I'm sorry I abused you. But you abused me too." 6. (Loud groan) "Alright FINE. I'm SORRY." (This is said quite sarcastically and in an angry tone.) 7. "I already apologized. What more do you want?" (They actually never did "apologize" though....they are using the gaslighting technique here. Read more about gaslighting in my post Gaslighting: What You Need To Know.) 8. "I'm sorry that you don't think what I do is good enough for you." 9. "I'm sorry, but I work hard all day and I just want to come home and take a load off. Is that too much to ask?" 10. "I'm sorry, but I was just trying to help. Excuuuuse me for trying to help." All of the above examples will almost always be followed up with a "Will you forgive me" statement. This puts the ball back in the victim's court. If she says yes, then it's basically giving the Narc a green light to continue his behavior and he'll know he can get away with whatever he wants. If she says no, she's the bad guy. The Narc will turn around and say, "Well what more do you want from me? I apologized!!" Words mean nothing if actions remain the same. When we are the recipient of these fake apologies, we are left feeling empty and not valued. I've felt this way countless times. I always felt like my thoughts and feelings were never validated. What kinds of fake apologies have you heard? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories.
102 Comments
Wendy
6/4/2016 12:07:50 pm
Must have background. 2 weeks after my dad died, NX picked a fight with me over his 'concern' for my health. He screamed at me and I told him to fuck off, my dad died. But he kept screaming. Now I am in fetal position on the floor sobbing. And he pulled up a chair, crossed his arms and legs - watched me sob for a bit and then up and left the room. I was reeling!! Later - here comes the 'apology' he said and I quote " it may have seemed that I came on a bit strong but that's how passionate I am about this subject ". He later insisted that this WAS an apology. Did anyone hear 'I'm sorry' in that ? How about sympathy and compassion that I just lost my dad ? Oh, that's right - a narc has none.
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Jenn
6/4/2016 08:26:24 pm
Wow Wendy, thanks for sharing your experience. Though the situations are different for all of us, the theme remains the same....that the Narc will never offer a real apology. That would show vulnerability and that they made a mistake. They won't own up to that. I'm sorry that happened to you. Sending you many good thoughts. Take care.
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I agree with that Jenn; they won't (or just can't) admit to mistakes or any faults whatsoever. I know from past experiences with them that they like to put people down too. Unfortunately they do exist in many facets of society. The put-downs,
Melinda
8/28/2016 01:07:35 pm
When I read your words my heart skipped a beat. I lost my mother a few months ago and had the exact same thing happen to me 2 days after she passed. I just wanted him to leave me alone. He wouldn't and kept pushing until I was hysterical, and then threatened to call an ambulance. We hadn't even had the funeral yet. Reading your comment breaks my heart because I am so sorry another human being had to be put through this
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Jenn
8/28/2016 05:18:25 pm
Melinda.....That's pretty typically of Narcs. They push our buttons and keep hounding us until we break and we become hysterical. Then they turn around and say we are the crazy ones, that we're off our meds, that we need the psych help. I'm sorry that you had to experience that too. I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. Hugs! I hope things get better for all of you. The hurt & pain these individuals cause is unimaginable when they're in their attack mode. I seriously understand how animals that have been abused must feel, & they do have feelings too. They must wonder, as we all do, why this garbage is happening to us.
Wendy
7/28/2018 08:23:15 pm
So sorry this happened to you too. I divorced his ass after 37 years of marriage.
Kim
5/3/2017 07:20:58 am
It's like I wrote that...or we live the same life. It's horrid and sick and so hurtful, but your not alone and your on the page. Stay focused. Remember to ask yourself, how would I have to feel about someone to treat them that way. That was not an apology that was a flippen coward. All I ask is tell me who you are and what you believe, because as I'm sure you feel the same way. ....we would never have been together this long if you would have told me this is how you behave.
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Kimberly
8/20/2017 01:06:27 pm
My goodness Wendy I am so sorry. I can totally relate. The day my mother died, my NX picked a gift with me and wrote a "don't treat my girlfriend the way you have been" letter to my sister. All the way up to her passing he would pitch fits when I'd want to drive 3 hours by myself just to lay next to her in her bed. He'd say " you're just ashamed of me". Or "who knows what you're really doing up there. Probably hanging out with old friends and going to bars". These are just a few. As you know, Wendy there are so many more. I hope you're free of this BS!!! Much love to you and much healing.
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Kimberly
8/20/2017 01:10:46 pm
Sorry .....not picked a *gift
Wendy
7/11/2018 03:31:04 pm
Wow Wendy, we have the same name and same problem... mine did this recently when my mom passed. Two days after she passed, he scolded me for not praising him "for being there for me" ..... he wasn't there for me at all... he was however going around getting sympathy and attention for my mom's death. They're EVIL
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Wendy
7/28/2018 08:26:09 pm
From one Wendy to another - they ARE evil. My whole life crumbled when I stood up for
That's horrible Wendy. I'm so sorry that fellow treated you that way. He definitely sounds like a narcissist & a nasty one at that. You're brave to withstand his treatment & you deserve better I think. I'm esp. sorry he did that to you right after your dad passed away. I hope you were able to get some comfort somewhere at least.
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Lisa
6/8/2019 01:03:38 pm
Leave. Go to a safe women’s shelter. These people are emotional abusers. You must learn to love yourself enough to leave in order to save your life. You cannot fix them. But you can save yourself. ❤️
Didi
9/2/2018 12:52:50 am
I had a similar experience with my recent ex. At the beginning of last month, a couple of days after he broke up with me after an argument (about him stalking his ex and then lying about it 5 different ways) because he thought I was going to break up with him, I found out my grandmother was actively dying. I took two road trips (550 miles each way) in 7 days (one to visit her before she passed and the other for her funeral). In between those trips, I worked full time, had my engine fail on the highway, had emergency surgery, spent all evening after work one day getting my kids funeral outfits, haircuts etc. I was in constant contact with him by phone this whole time and stayed at his place overnight with my kids (which he knows I don't like to do) so he wouldnt feel neglected. The third weekend (I thought) was mine so I could rest, decompress and grieve while my kids were away. He claimed this was a "planned weekend" (he took vacation days from work for us to spend together and told me about it afterward, his plans are my plans apparently) and complained that he'd only seen me twice that month and he wouldn't accept my "suspicious pattern" of bailing on weekends with him. He told me this was the "4th consecutive cancellation" and when I asked him to back that up with dates as I do nothing with my free time anymore but spend it with him, he got angry and said me asking for specific dates was "so irrelevant it's absurd". I explained I was hundreds of miles away the past two weekends due to a death and reminded him he broke up with me before that, he said "they're cancellations all the same" and he was tired of me "inventing reasons they 'didn't count'" and "you broke up with me". He argued with me via phone and text all day and night Friday (blowing up my phone while I was at work) and all day Saturday while I foolishly tried to reason with him and defend myself against his gaslighting and accusations, which he mirrored, telling me *I* was making accusations as well as attacking him and changing the subject so this could never be resolved. He gave me about a dozen versions of the same ultimatum on Saturday evening: either I went to his house to prove I cared about him and the relationship or he'd have to accept that I wanted to end it. I stood my ground and refused multiple times, telling him love is not control and I don't do shit-tests or ultimatums. I should've left it at that but I stupidly fed into it to clear ny name... ridiculous. He ignored me, kept blowing up my phone for hours so that nothing else on my phone worked, telling me I was destroying us, ruining the weekend, he'd be forced to go to work at 6am if I wasn't there by then, and that ending the relationship would be all my doing, said he'd given me plenty of leeway here and opportunities to make this weekend right and correct my actions by going to his house. The window of opportunity was closing fast, etc etc. It was relentless, while I was responding to one message he was sending 4 or 5 more and then acting like responses were to different messages and told me I was confused. While he was texting Friday when I was trying to sleep, he was also relentlessly and baselessly accusing me of cheating, making crude comments about how maybe if he played his cards tomorrow right he'd be able to have whatever was left of me when I stumbled in the morning. I called him, super overwhelmed and crying and begging him to stop and he told me my "fake cry" almost had him convinced I wasn't at some bar (I was at home in my pjs arguing with him all night). I cried myself to sleep that night, not over my grandmother but over him and his b.s. Anyway on Sat I kept refusing to accept his ultimatums, said I'm staying home, it's only you who's taking that to mean it's over. so he drove to my place at 2 am, we argued til 6, at one point I punched my mattress because he was still pretending my grandmother's death and funeral counted as me "cancelling" on him and he smirked when I did that. When I was too exhusted to fight anymore we spent a lovely day out as a happy couple in person on Sunday to celebrate his victory after I'd let him dominate the rest of my days off via phone.
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6/4/2016 12:11:36 pm
This was a good read. My abuser ( Matija Turkalj ) used to apologize to me but nothing much would change…and over time things got worse. His last apology to me he said sorry, and even told me it's not me it's him and did ask what he could do to make it better? But I still don't think he was sincere in wanting to know who to make it better. I think he was just trying to make me feel better so he could move on and continue to not care. http://matijaturkaljabusexperience.blogspot.com
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Jenn
6/4/2016 08:35:58 pm
Hi Wounded Blue Jay. Thanks for sharing your experience. I checked out your blog too. As I mentioned to Wendy above, everyone's situations are different, but the patterns remain the same. It's so familiar to me, even though I've never met you. I see my ex in your blog too. That's the thing. It's like they are all cut from the same cloth. Or like they all took the "How to be a Narc 101" class. Sending you healing thoughts. Take care.
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Michelle Skeen
6/4/2016 02:46:08 pm
My ex used to apologize by saying.."I'm sorry honey, but you have to see it from my point of view too....", and in the end I would actually try to see it from his point of view and ended up feeling unreasonable for my actions in the first place, I always felt I was making mountains out of molehills. I actually lots of the time ended up apologizing to HIM?!
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Jenn
6/4/2016 08:39:17 pm
Hi Michelle. Yup, that's exactly what they do. That's their game plan. They aim to get us to be the ones to apologize. I always did that too. After, I always felt so confused and hurt. I knew I didn't do anything wrong! It's what Narcs do....they are masters at manipulation and will twist things around so well, that you are left feeling like it was all your fault. Sending you good thoughts tonight. Take care.
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Cloverartist
7/4/2016 11:53:46 am
Mine would ALWAYS say "I'm sorry, I will try not to do XYZ", but would never change anything and would always be right back to doing XYZ.
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Jenn
7/4/2016 01:00:33 pm
Cloverartist....Exactly. It's a twisted way they think they apologize, but it's never a real one.
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cloverartist
7/4/2016 01:13:25 pm
NEVER, but yet they say they did. Still dealing with my ex, it's so very frustrating. He is trying to get custody of the kids in any way he can. :(
Jenn
7/4/2016 01:48:24 pm
Cloverartist....Indeed that is true. They play the "Oh but I said I was sorry what more do you want" game. Stay strong.
bob
7/4/2016 12:18:29 pm
Ha it was my fault for leaving her in my home(she was giving her folks a well earned rest & latched onto me with gusto weeks before),hardly even acknowledging her in the morn. before I left for work(6am)bangin her like a ho night before EXPECTING her to do my home chores/cleaning.So yeah jumped on my pc & made up several 18-23 personas(she was 31-32) & joining up( & modding) several teen/chat/cybersex sites.weasled her way back in via my bed after buckets tears/border stalking then 8-9 months later when busted her SAME AGAIN this time I was control freak by having a rule of no pc whilst I was at work(she'd said she couldn't resist 1st busting)& a thorough sneaky,untrusting prick 4 finding her saved & PRINTED chat logs that were quadruple X nature & painfully worse some those she & these geezers were taking piss out of my stupidness,manhood,tackle,libido & basically my whole prick existence that used & abused her making her feel less than worthless hence why she "glad" she'd met these "real hotties etc."
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Jenn
7/4/2016 01:04:31 pm
Bob....I'm sorry that has happened to you. Keep showing your child all the love in the world. I have learned to never ever speak badly of my NX in front of my children. They will see for themselves one day. You just keep on being the awesome dad you are. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
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Lud
11/17/2016 03:52:17 am
You don't sound like a very nice man ... Your language is poorly chosen ... She sounds awful but man .. You can use some therapy !
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Jenn
11/22/2016 07:08:03 pm
Lud.....My readers come here for support. I would like to think that I provide that to them in some respects. To come here and suggest that how they type/speak/write is somehow inferior, is just compounding their heartache and hurt. In the future, I would appreciate it if you kept that kind of commentary off my blog. Thanks.
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Broken
7/4/2016 01:20:53 pm
My NX promissed Every time "to do better. I'll try to change but You've made me react Like this". Btw: he left me (us) 2 days after my heart surgery. Broken I was, I had to Go back to the hospital. Where I received on mothersday an app, wich said: I know a Nice hotel wink wink".. Clearly why he left me.. He found new shoes! But he refused to admit that! "OW sorry, but thats the cousin from somebody I work with, No No, it wasn't me". Afterall: one Year later, he played me as a fool, stil No sorry for the way he left me (and the kids) or any remorse. And believe me: he was really Nice, years went by, and one sometimes strange Things , I admit.. Till I'v started Reading all this on FB, couldnt believe I had a relationship with a narcist. But everything is soooo .. Now I understand so much more. When I played along, everything was all right in our relationship.. I wil Not trust any man for the rest of my life.
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Jenn
7/4/2016 02:09:19 pm
Broken....Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm sorry that you endured what you did. They discard, they hoover us to reel us back in, they play with us. Ever since my discard, I learned what I could too. It boggled my mind that I was played for the fool. They will never be sorry for anything that occurred. To admit fault is to admit weakness, and that is something they cannot do. I'll be thinking of you. Hang in there.
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Amanda
7/20/2016 03:53:36 pm
Hi everyone, the classic one I would get from him is "I'm sorry I put my hands on you and yelled at you, but you shouldn't make me so angry. Next time just interrupt me and ask me to remember how much I love you.... Maybe then it won't happen again."
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Jenn
7/20/2016 07:15:56 pm
Amanda.....First, I need to say bravo to you for getting out of the situation. That must have been quite a step to take. But yeah, I recognize what your ex said. It's the classic Narc defense....."Well, I wouldn't have done it, but you made me do it" kind of thing, followed closely with the "I hope I don't have to react that way again." I will be thinking of you as you begin your journey towards healing and recovery. Good luck to you!
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Steve
7/20/2016 05:53:48 pm
Every apology was followed with justification.
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Jenn
7/20/2016 07:17:44 pm
Steve....Exactly, Steve. Narcs always need to justify their behavior. It's because they can't accept responsibility for their actions. Doing so would admit vulnerability and that they can make mistakes. They can't have that because they need to be "all powerful" and superior to others.
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Tied Up In Knots
7/21/2016 09:07:43 am
Every time he would get angry at me over breathing wrong, he wouldn't apologize for getting angry. He would just say "I am glad you don't yell back because that would only make things worse."
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Jenn
7/21/2016 09:30:51 am
Tied Up.....I know exactly what you mean. Narcs make those kinds of comments that insinuate something bad would happen if we choose to argue back. Most of the time, my NX's veiled threats were just that. Full of hot air and nothing would ever come of it. It's a tactic to maintain power and control.
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CLF
8/4/2016 07:20:52 pm
My ex says very early in @if you can't get on with me, you can't get on with anyone". I took it to mean he was a nice guy and on the face of it he is, everybody loves him. I now realise what he was actually doing was setting me up to fail so he could use that statement against me whenever i called him out on his behaviour. It wasn't him or his begavi, it was my inability to get along with him (my inability to swallow his bs)
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Jenn
8/4/2016 09:12:40 pm
CLF.....Narcissists love to come across as the "nice guy" to the general public. That's the mask that they wear. But behind closed doors, the masks slips and the true colors will show. That's why you never swallowed his bs! You are a smart capable person who indeed saw what he truly is. Good for you! Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Sis
8/4/2016 11:37:29 pm
Here is the "but" apology I received after the narc that is unfortunately possibly going to be part of my family went missing while we were in Las Vegas (actually lied about going to the restroom and snuck off to a concert that we only had one ticket for (but had 6 drink tickets) although there were 4 of us) then wouldn't answer her phone for 3 hours while we and hotel security searched everywhere. I was convinced since she was so drunk that someone had her in their hotel room. Oh and I should mention this was at a red carpet event. When I got this apology only after a full day and night had passed and I had to ask why I hadn't heard anything although I had done NOTHING wrong this is what I got. As far as apologies go it had to be at the top of the I'm a crazy narcissist and this is as good as your gonna get cause it's all about me! I had to read it 3 times as I couldn't comprehend that she sent this thinking I'd feel sorry for her or somehow realize that the poor thing was so frightened while we were searching for her. This is a 39 year old woman . Honestly my daughter at 15 would have never pulled something like this wackadoo did! So here you go:
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Jenn
8/5/2016 10:10:43 am
Sis.....Wow, I'm sorry you experienced that. I can't imagine the fright of not knowing where someone is like that. Her replies only enforces what I know and learned about Narcs.....they are never remorseful for their actions or the pain they inflict on others. They are adept at twisting things around to make it look like everyone else's fault.
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Nicole
8/5/2016 03:47:54 am
The best one was 'I'm sorry I threw all of your clothes all over the back garden but if you weren't a meff and had washed them then I wouldn't had to have done it' I was in work when he did this 😧
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Jenn
8/5/2016 10:13:41 am
Nicole.....Yup, that sounds familiar. My ex said things so similar! It's like what I said to Sis above.....Narcs are never truly remorseful and will always twist it around to make things everyone else's fault. Hang in there.
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Tina
8/5/2016 10:12:11 pm
Always and then promise to change. He would "change" for a little while - the longest was two days and then back to his usual ways... And when it was brought up later in an argument he would say "at least I tried to change!" The so called change was always a half hearted effort and I was sucked into it for to long, when the abuse became physical I knew I had to get myself and our three children out and away but after 20 years of mental abuse I realised I had no one to ask for help and no idea where to go! It was horrible to realise I had nothing and no one. The only way we could "escape" was to take the help the police offered. Still he tries to get me back with his usual tricks but now I'm smarter and not falling for his lies!!
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Jenn
8/5/2016 10:24:06 pm
Tina.....Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am relieved that you and the children are safe. I found myself nodding in agreement with what you said about your ex. They all sound alike, don't they? My ex would "explain" to me too why he felt he was right and how I needed to see his side. I just shake my head at it now. Ya know? It's like we're "older and wiser" now and we know what we will and will not tolerate from people. Good for you that you are bettering yourself. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
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Julie
8/10/2016 04:44:15 am
My husbands ex wife wrote this letter to him it was meant to be an apology for having affairs and having a baby to someone else and lying to him and saying that the baby's is his. No where in the letter was there an actual apology just excuses of why she did what she did and placed the blame on everyone else in her life... no apology. I said to my husband this isnt even a letter showing that she was sorry for what she did no remose...
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Jenn
8/10/2016 06:46:49 am
Julie.....That's typical of a Narcissist. Not ever apologizing, but instead, offering up excuses. To truly apologize, one must show remorse, which requires a level of vulnerability. A Narc can't have that.
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Betsy Darby
8/28/2016 01:23:01 am
I am two and a half months into ending a 44 year long abusive relationship with my narcissistic mother.
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Jenn
8/28/2016 05:22:55 pm
Betsy......I am sorry that the Narc in your life is your mom. But you are doing what's best for you and your children. Narcs don't like when the tables are turned on them and we go No Contact. And yes, Narcs will never truly apologize....to them, it's all fake. I am glad that your life is going on a much better path. I'll be thinking of you.
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Kimberly Dean
9/11/2016 09:22:20 pm
My narc tells our son, 'You've never been abused. I was hit with a belt or extension cord for mispronunciation Lake Placid or not tying my sneakers tight enough.' Sigh- It was stories such as these that won my empathy, after we first met. Once hooked, everything he ever told me was either a lie or something abusive.
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Jenn
9/12/2016 08:37:42 am
Kimberly........All you can do is be there for your son. Let him know you are there for him, no matter what. He is old enough to see for himself. You mentioned that you told him to whom he can speak with if he needs to open up to anyone. He will seek the help if he needs to talk to anyone. I wish you both well. Healing will take time. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Kimberly
9/12/2016 02:55:07 pm
@Jenn
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Jenn
9/14/2016 05:46:05 pm
Kimberly......You are quite welcome. :) Take care.
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Lyn
11/4/2016 09:27:24 am
He demamnded that I return to him and be a good wife and that his mother is his priority never the marriage.
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Lisa
11/27/2016 10:29:24 pm
I just left my relationship of 18 years just 2 days ago. I had not spoken to him until today after leaving after an angry "episode" the day after Thanksgiving. Our daughter is 14 and is also ready to be free from all this and live in peace.
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Jenn
11/30/2016 12:59:35 pm
Lisa......Good for you for taking that first step. Your journey down the road of healing and recovery will be a struggle. But the freedom you will gain from it will last a lifetime. Have you followed my Facebook page by the same name? Just click the "F" icon at the top of the page and it'll take you there. I post lots of valuable information that might help you. Hang in there.
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Mel
2/15/2017 09:03:26 am
I have been NC now for over 5 weeks. I truly loved Roy but unfortunately he didn't love me. I was for him something to be used a utility to get supply to make him feel alive. How sad to live a life where somebody else has to make you feel alive. I am so glad that I realised what he was. He has hoovered of course I think about 20 times in the last 5 weeks but I will never go back. He is mentally ill and to be truthful I wish our paths had never crossed. He is toxic, sick, a pathological liar, and not to be trusted. I hope that I never, ever come across another narcissist not ever. Dangerous,dangerous people. Mel xxxx
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Jenn
2/22/2017 06:19:52 am
Mel......I am glad you have gained clarity. Knowing what you know now, can help you move forward in your healing journey. Everyone's healing journey is different. Some choose to research narcissism by reading as much as they can, while others just block that person in all forms of communication and move on. There is no right or wrong in healing. It's what you need to do for yourself. Hang in there.
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Marytie
2/20/2017 01:41:52 pm
I was given an apology after I found out he cheated. He cheated on me with a 20 yr old employee of ours and got her pregnant. I'm sorry for what I did...but, you lead me to it, you weren't paying enough attention to me.😕
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Jenn
2/22/2017 06:21:29 am
Marytie.......Yup, sounds like a typical Narcissistic response. He twists it around and blames his actions on you. "If you hadn't done this or that, I wouldn't have....." As you can see, it's never a true heartfelt apology. I hope things are going better for you now though. Take care.
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Elizabeth
2/25/2017 04:35:59 pm
I'm currently in a relationship with a real narcissist and psychopath. We have a 3 year old son together and it's been such a rough journey. A year ago I woke up one day from my zombie like blind sided state and realized that my relationship was so toxic and that my partner was very abusive and emotionally manulipulative.
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Jenn
2/26/2017 05:45:40 pm
Elizabeth......I am sorry that you have endured what you have. It sounds like you had an "ah-ha" moment like many survivors do. The things he said to you sound SO much like what my NX has said to me. Boy does it sound familiar! Please don't kick yourself for taking him back. It's quite common for survivors to go back several times before leaving for good. The positive side to it is that you now know what you are dealing with. You have begun to gain information, and this in turn will help you find the strength you need.Hang in there. If you haven't already, stay in touch by liking my Facebook page of this same name.....just click the "F" icon at the top of the page. I post so much there too, and you'll have the support of my other readers to help you through your healing journey.
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betty blue
1/14/2018 06:15:30 pm
You can do it. Never put yourself down! Having just got out of a very similar situation myself I can completely relate to what you're going through, but it is possible to get away. it's hard but in hindsight it's harder to stay with someone you will just grind you down. You are not letting your son down. if anything you are giving him a very valuable lesson, learning how to stand up for yourself, what isn't appropriate relationship behaviour and how positive it can be to change your situation. Do you have support? Family/friends? There are some exceptional support networks out there who help people in our situation make that change who are very aware of emotional abuse, not just physical.
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Frank
3/14/2017 07:58:46 pm
"I'm sorry that you felt hurt by what I did, but I don't think I did anything wrong."
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Jenn
3/29/2017 06:31:27 pm
Frank.......Yup, those too!
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Lily
4/9/2017 10:45:18 am
I've all those & probably some more, I'm just too emotionally drained & I think I'm just trying to forget about it all or blocking it & I thought this nightmare was coming to an end & Wednesday in the courthouse for contempt because he doesn't want to pay court ordered child support for our special needs son, he was calling me names, making false accusations, hit me purposely with the door to the mediation room & after the mediator held my ex back so that me & our son could leave w/o fear, he showed up at the parking garage where we had just entered & I finally make it to my truck & another car has it blocked in & there were what I felt were suspicious people outside just steady staring at me, so I brushed those gut feelings away & I need to stop doing that & trusting those feelings because 99.9% of the time those feelings were very true! Late Wednesday night my ex sent our special needs son a message telling him if he doesn't see him for Easter that he's taking him into court, which our son is 19, stopped speaking to his father almost 2 years ago when he witnessed his father putting his hands on me, says he's scared of his father, refuses to see his father & on the drive home from court on Wednesday, I glanced over at my son whose all body was visibly shaking & he was crying, I asked him what was wrong & he expressed that he never wants to go to court again because he doesn't want to ever see his father or be around him again because he scares him & I never take him to court if I can find someone to stay with him, but I didn't have anyone! So yesterday, I looked out my front window, see a woman in my yard, adjusting her top & purposely sticking her chest out, which I never thought much of it until after she said she was my ex-husbands girlfriend...I was diagnosed with breast cancer & had a mastectomy about a year & a half before all hell broke loose again, so as I open the door because I thought she was putting some of my mail in the mailbox that must have been delivered to her house by mistake when she said, that's for Kilian, I said what, she said there's a movie in the mailbox for Kilian & I said, you are & she said, Marcy, Mike's girlfriend, Kilian's soon to be stepmom & all I could do was laugh!!! Anyway, I called the police because I wanted to know if there was anything I could do about her coming into my fenced in gated yard & the police officer advised me to go file for another protective order against my ex-husband because what they are doing is instigating trouble & in the meantime the officer is going to try & find out the girlfriends information so that I can file for a peace order against her. Why can't he leave me alone? I was hoping he would find someone so he'd leave me alone & not even 24 hours before this happened I was Facebook messaging with a female friend, I said I wish he would just find someone & leave me alone, but my luck it would turn into double trouble for me & our son, so there's that gut feeling again, telling me this is not just a coincidence! I am just trying to take care of me, my son & move on, but he won't let up, so now I'm gonna see if I can move far away from here with my son, not disclose my address & anymore hearings be done by phone because I am extremely scared & fearful for my life, which he has threatened to burn me alive, shred my body, no one will ever find even a little piece of me, has pulled guns on me & since being clinically diagnosed with multiple dangerous psychological disorders, he says he can get away with killing me due to his diagnosis's, so I hope this judge listens, understands & knows just how dangerous my ex is!!!
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Jenn
4/15/2017 04:40:55 pm
Lilly.......If you don't feel safe, by all means, file that protection order. It would bar the both of them from stepping foot on your property. If I am correct, you already have a lawyer since you attend court hearings. Yes? If so, talk with your lawyer about all of your concerns, including the one that your son doesn't want to attend court anymore or see your ex at all. Would your son be willing to give a statement to the lawyer stating these facts? I am not a lawyer, so I cannot give legal advice, but certainly talk with the police and a lawyer about your concerns. I wish you well. Take care.
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Flower girl
4/15/2017 10:24:21 pm
Today I got "listen I wanted to apologize for whatever you think I did"
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Jenn
5/7/2017 02:17:16 pm
Flower.......Sounds familiar. Their "apologies" always seem to have conditions placed upon them. I'm sorry but......or I'm sorrrrrrrry......yeah, it's a devious way to skirt around giving a real apology. They can't give a real one because they feel they are never in the wrong. To admit responsibility is to admit fault. And why admit fault when they think they are perfect. Anyway, all it is, is a bunch of hogwash. It's to try to keep us compliant. They want to smooth things over by pretending to be sorry. If you are able to, I would suggest going complete No Contact with your ex. I wish you well. Take care.
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Heather
5/17/2017 11:18:43 am
My current does things and then when it's completely obvious I'm upset, he spouts off an apology and then goes into defending himself. Nothing ever gets resolved because instead of trying to understand why my feelings are hurt, he says he's sorry and then says why, like he was tired or he was just trying to get something done or that he was busy. It's been almost 5 years with this person and I think I've only gotten maybe 5 accrual sincere apologies and those were on some pretty big things. I don't believe him anymore when he says he's sorry. It's like he thinks if he can give me a reason why he did or said what he did, then I should just take his "I'm sorry" and quickly move on. If I'm still upset then he acts like I'm the one with the problem who can't get over my feelings and basically turns cold to me with not talking to me, looking at me or even being in the same room with me. The biggest problem is that the things he apologizes for he doesn't stop doing and then gets mad at me for being upset and not wanting to accept his apology. The other issue is that he literally only says "I'm sorry", nothing about why, nothing nice said, no hug, no nothing, that is, unless he continues to talk in defense of himself.
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Julianna
7/9/2017 12:49:33 pm
Heather.........It's the mark of a toxic person when they expect us to just simply become happy again after they "apologize." It's our right to still be upset, especially when they are the ones who treated us poorly. The excuses of being tired or being too busy are just excuses. It does not get them a free pass to behave that way. There's a saying that goes something to the effect of "The mark of a true apology is changed behavior." When you see someone truly make an effort to change, you'll see it in their behavior and not just hear it in their words.
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Tammy
5/18/2017 11:37:08 pm
My husband has made several attempts at these types of "apologies" just so we could be done with the argument, and he could be free to move on. The latest was said exactly like this, "I'm sorry if you took it that way", in response to being confronted with something he blatantly said and accused me of. There was a witness, our counselor, to what he had said in the first place.
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5/25/2017 01:18:58 am
Thanks so much for this post. There was ALWAYS a "but" following any admission of guilt from my narc ex-spouse! I just posted a short video called "Decoding an Apology from a Narcissist" that I hope you can watch: https://youtu.be/nWbqLwkTZCs. Keep up the good work!
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Kimberly
5/25/2017 02:32:25 am
That video is perfect! Thanks for posting it.
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Julianna
7/9/2017 12:50:40 pm
Shadow.......Thanks for sharing your video. :)
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Antoinette
6/22/2017 06:03:24 pm
I split from my ex about 10 months ago. He will not go away. At one point he had me convinced to try again. It took me some time to decide that and when I went to him he shot me down. Said that I made him wait too long and that I had hurt him and he just didn't know if he could be with me anymore. It had been two weeks. So now I'm back to trying to MoveOn and he continues to text me. At times he even gets annoyed because I don't respond to him immediately or because I don't check on him enough. How do you make them go away?
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Julianna
7/9/2017 12:53:39 pm
Antoinette..........He is doing the classic tactics of silent treatment and hoovering. When you waited and then went to him, he brushed you off (that's the silent treatment). Then when you are trying to move on, he comes back (that's the hoovering). They will always find a way to contact us. But a good way to begin healing and moving on from them is to go full on No Contact. That means, block their phone numbers, any and all email addresses, and all social media profiles. (And if you notice he creates a new profile, block that one too.) Hang in there.
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6/27/2017 03:16:39 am
I have 6 journals filled with mostly his apologies or the repeat rant that is frustrating me and I didnt know he had a narcissistic personality... of course everything was blamed on my bpd and other mental disorders. Oh boy that was fun when he found out (we were actually separated for 4 years and I was diagnosed during that time) First thing out of his mouth "I knew you were fucking crazy!" now he blames his narcissism on my mental disorders. lol says I made him that way.
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Julianna
7/9/2017 01:00:00 pm
Kendra........Oh that's a classic Narc tactic called projection. He is projecting his faults onto you. What they accuse us of saying, doing and being, is exactly what they themselves say, do and are. Make sense? Anyway, the NX in my life has never let go of my one-time diagnosis of BPD. A doc I saw once for a mere 30 minutes took one look at my file and diagnosed me. When I went to protest, the doc wouldn't listen and said, "I am the doctor. You are the patient." This was implying that I didn't know what I was talking about. Since then, the NX has strategically brought that BPD diagnosis up now and again to "prove" that he was right and that I was crazy. Ironically enough, a future therapist I saw said I never fit the BPD criteria at all in the first place, and rediagnosed me as having anxiety and depression (from being away from my children).....coincidentally, the NX refused to believe that diagnosis. Plus.....he claims to have been diagnosed with PTSD himself and blames his diagnosis on me, saying he had nightmares of me coming at him with a knife. Oh nevermind the fact that he was deployed with the military overseas for 7 months. Nope, that had nothing to do with it. LOL.
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Kim
7/16/2017 01:26:39 pm
I've got 15 years in and we together have 2 sons but together we have 12, 6 of which are 6 ive had. A friend I haven't seen for quite awhile showed up homeless, kind of a mother figure to me (haven't spoken to my mother in 13 years because of his lies to her) so she is at my home and working with me to make money and wow what a breath of fresh air someone working with you instead of against you. I had kicked him out two weeks prior, he calls begging for a shower, one second of humaness, I'm gone for five minutes, NY friend is laying in my bed. He jumps on the bed crouches over her and says giggling * I wonder what kimi would say now* yes this is common play with him, it dosebt mean anything, he was just happy to be here, same as always there's always a good reason...lol he has SAID it was innapropriate, it was wrong, and it would never happen again however he always says stuff like " I'm only gonna say one word kimi, MOTIVE. Before he said oh Christ kimi it was a friendly hello why are you making such a big deal out of it. Caught inviting a girl and her mother out to dinner, he totally trashed both of them then said oh my god I was just joking around. Caught telling another what a fine a$# she had and how he would love to have it, claiming drug problem and he was trying to get a bigger bag. Laid down next to the girl that used to babysit his other kids and wrapping his arm around her telling her if there was anything he could do just say the word. Claiming he knew her parents? She had just lost her kids to CP's. Ummm ok living in a state of shock, stun, and feeling like I'm nothing. Well I finally woke up. .I refuse to live that way. This time I said well you really screwed yourself now because you won't ever shower here again. Which was your choice funny happy boy!! Now your gonna have to show me your I swear I've changed from out there instead of in here. Made it pretty complicated big boy!! But I'm suuure if you love us as much as you say should be easy breazy. He pretended to be distraught. I feel empowered, I'm taking my power back. These are his choices not mine he chooses to behave that way knowing it's a deal breaker, so he chooses not to be here
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teresa
8/23/2017 01:54:12 pm
Love tis post - the Sorry but.....usually done by n. mum with head shaking - as in - no, no, cannot really apologise for this (sure the shaking of the head and the screwing up of the eyes is giving her time to run through all the possible reasons why she SHOULD NOT BE SORRY) then I get the but! Look, this woman has done everything that would be AGAINST me - her daughter - and my best interest. In the past when she pulled this trick, I would screw myself up in knots of shame - ditto with the abusive narc. partners - feel cowed by my (deserved??????) non-apology. One day I woke up! Been really interesting (as always) reading the comments.x
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MHMC
9/21/2017 06:23:39 pm
When he wanted something he would say "im sorry"- but never explain what he was sorry for. Usually, i felt he meant "im sorry, now we can go back to normal". Occasionally I got, "I said Im sorry, now why cant you just forgive me?" This was usually over something fairly major, and because it had broken trust so extensively, he just expected me to get over it and move on without him doing the work to regain trust. Now, whenever i did anything to upset him or "betray him" or "disrespect him", i had to wade through days and weeks of moods and reminders of how I needed to prove my trustworthiness. Once when I pointed out his unfaithfulness, he tried to convince me my $5000 credit card debt was the same thing. (It was never something I hid, it was credit he helped rack up, and I kept the bills visible in the kitchen everymonth if he ever wanted to know where I was at financially). Of course that was always separate- his money/my money. My money was used for groceries, bills, kids, and family fun. His money was stashed away and used for whatever HE wanted. We went on food stamps and i was out of full time work, but he still went on hunting trips and bought new clothes and underwear. (ALWAYS new underwear!) i look back and see so many signs of his infidelity- but I was in such denial....
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Esther
9/22/2017 11:41:07 pm
I've been on this merry go round for many years and just now beginning to realize what is truly happening. So many of these posts are exactly the rhetoric that plays out like a broken record for me. Thanks to a best friend who has given me financial guidance to enable an exit strategy I have managed to save some money and am almost in a position to make a quick clean break. I have a private bank account, a post office box and a great job. Slowly but surely I'm getting my documents in a safe place and fortunately my job provides me with access to an attorney , so I will have legal protection when I leave. I urge anyone to check with your employer to see if you have a similar benefit. My job has also brought me a "family" of wonderful people who have my back and understand what I'm dealing with. I'm in a stressed out condition for awhile longer, but I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
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Freedomn
10/9/2017 11:49:35 am
I finally left my husband after nine months. He told me for months off and on to just leave and I finally did! And he wanted to me come back and even was threatening me and trying to blackmail me. And he caused me so much stress on night that I turned mine phone off (his phone off), and erased it all and mailed it back to him and got a new number. I emailed him from an email I made to talk about the divorce that’s it. He even emailed me and made it seem like I was the one that walked out; he seems to forget that he told me to leave. His friend even emailed me, who I don’t even know, and said he never threatened me and demanded I let them know what’s going on. Lol he doesn’t want anyone to know the side of him they’ve never seen. He even called my mom vile names, said something bad about my dad, who’s is dead and horrible things about my sister and brother in law. Never apologized either. My life has peace now. Praying that we can get divorced soon! I didn’t see how he was until I was gone.
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rebecca
10/16/2017 06:34:52 pm
ive heard a couple, one being, "im sorry I said those things, I was drunk." another was the day after we had our first big argument where he really revealed his narc ways he said "I was wasted last night and I don't remember anything I said but I'm sorry if I offended you.." or the more common one is "you know you get to go to work all day and get out of the house, im stuck here taking care of both kids and dealing with my mom and her bitchyness"
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betty blue
1/14/2018 06:01:16 pm
Though its heartbreaking to read of all your experiences. I have found it exceptionally reassuring. It wasn't just me being crazy, over reactive, sensitive or 'hormonal'.
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F
2/3/2018 09:34:02 am
So I graduated last month. My mother has not said congratulations yet. I confronted her about via text. She said she didn't think I would like 'them' there because I forgot to respond to her 'Happy New Years' text because I already had responded to my father's new years text from "Dad and Mom", and I was occupied with studying for my last exam at that point.
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Daniel Mercedes
3/30/2018 05:39:43 pm
Wow with all honest truth I would have called this article bullshit if I hadn’t experience it myself 18 years of it, I found this article and I had a meltdown, the only thing this article is missing is a picture of my wife.
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Denise J
3/30/2018 08:37:54 pm
Sorry you're upset
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Amy
5/21/2018 06:43:16 am
My ex NX used to say the same thing as an excuse or apology to everything that he did from physical abuse, name calling, cheating, disappearing, etc. He would say "I'm sorry, but you disrespected me first so it doesn't matter what I did because by disrespecting me first it cancels my actions out. So you are to blame for this."
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Fred
6/28/2018 10:48:04 pm
I was in a relationship for three years with a pure endmember narcissist / sociopath, whatever you want to call it. She gaslighted me for two weeks, then when I finally cracked she wrote "I have no idea what set you off but I'm sorry for whatever it was". She wasn't the least bit interested in what was troubling me then or later. She got to use the word sorry without it meaning anything. The relationship soon ended when I made a minor criticism of her behavior and then I was in the dog house forever and I mean she played judge, jury, prosecutor, and executioner. I issued apologies for the one thing that she said troubled her and they were never acknowledged. As I deconstructed the relationship I uncovered a number of colossal lies that she had told me over time. I was naive and swallowed up all her stories and claims. She was just as toxic as the woman in the Chabrol film "The Bridesmaid" if anybody's seen that. I wish I had realized what to look for while I was in it. She was the perfect actor. These people are perfect actors. As a result I've been in therapy for longer than I wish to admit.
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Emily
8/4/2018 11:07:47 am
"I am very sorry you feel that way, I really am and I truly was hoping to say sorry to you on the phone to resolve this and do believe that is the best way for you to hear how sorry I am." My exes sorry to me for disrespecting me over the phone one day where he talked to his roommate instead of saying he was busy on the phone and to talk later. I waited over a minute for him and hung up after saying bye and i can tell youre busy. Yup. This is happening now and im over it already... kinda just ridiculous in a funny way where i know whats happening and he doesnt see the issue.
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Tracy Paterson
8/7/2018 10:30:12 am
I found this site after a long night of arguing with my narc husband.
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Dave B
3/4/2019 11:24:11 am
OMG - reading this makes me know I'm not crazy (nor alone).
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Adamu Hassa
1/11/2020 12:28:58 pm
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Kitten
3/11/2020 10:49:00 pm
"Im Sorry that the last time you were testing your computer, you didnt have a problem with me sending those. sooooo i dont see how this time is differnt" /// "Im sorry that i didnt understand what you wanted. Ill just do f***ing better" ///and when i say these are not apologies "Why are you blowing it out of porpotion"
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My NH gives the "IF I hurt you, THEN I'm sorry, ok!?!? Even our three kids don't buy it. They tell me they would rather he didn't say anything because he doesn't mean a word of it.
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H
5/21/2020 01:04:20 pm
My ex used to use fake apologies like:
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Dustin
10/12/2022 02:21:49 pm
I received a great example of false a apology yesterday. First off here’s some context.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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