Going no contact is exactly what is implied - no contact. It's a phrase used by Narcissistic Abuse survivors when reclaiming their life, their power and their voice. No contact means no phone calls, no texting, no emails. Nothing. Not even leaving a note on the windshield of their car. No contact by proxy (having someone else contact the Narc). No cyberstalking. No peeking at their Facebook page.
All of the above is easier said than done, I know. After the discard, you'll want closure. But there is no closure with a Narcissist. So how do you get that elusive closure? Below is a list of things of what to do and not do when going no contact with a Narcissist.
What to do
1. Block them. Whether the discard was the Narc's idea or yours, the first thing you MUST do is block them along every avenue possible. That means block their phone numbers, any and all email addresses, and any social media profiles they have (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc).
2. Hear no evil. Part of going no contact also means implementing a strict "I don't want to hear about it" rule with friends and family. That means no discussing the Narcissist with anyone.
3. Live your life. Get out and do things. Go on a nature hike. Get a manicure. Hang out with friends. The more you do things that let laughter back into your life, the easier life will become.
4. Therapy. Find a therapist well versed in Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse. Begin to unravel the tangled web of jumbled up emotions.
What not to do
1. Don't answer the phone. If you forgot to block their phone number, don't worry. Just don't answer the phone. Let it go to voicemail. Then delete the voicemail. Then block the number.
2. Don't meet accidentally. Change your route to work. Go to the gym on different times or days. Do your grocery shopping on a different day. Whatever it takes so you don't run into them.
3. Don't keep a foot in the door. When the discard occurs, remove all your belongings from the home. Don't leave something there in hopes you'll get it back. Cut your losses.
4. Don't obsess over your Narcissistic-Ex. If a memory crosses your mind, acknowledge it, but don't dwell on it. This is called mindfulness. (Read my post Mindfulness: A Useful Healing Technique to understand why it's so beneficial to healing and recovery.)
5. Don't imbibe. With bars and liquor stores everywhere, it's easy access to drown your sorrows. Alcohol doesn't do anything to ease your pain or sorrow. All it does it cover it up.
Now all of the above is all well and good....if you don't have children with the Narcissist. But what if you do have children with the Narcissist? Well, there is a whole new set of rules to follow. These rules fall under MINIMAL CONTACT.
My NX has custody of my children, so for me, it's harder than you might think. He imposes impossible rules....like very small windows of time that I can call. Or he tells me they'll be "busy" certain weekends and not to call. The children are consistently conveniently busy.
It's a good idea to also follow these additional rules when you have children with the Narcissist.
1. Keep conversations strictly regarding the children. If possible, keep correspondence solely to emails. That way, if the Narcissist throws some verbal jabs your way, you can ignore those parts and reply only to the parts pertaining to the children.
2. Short and to the point. If you do have to see the Narcissist (especially for visitations), do what I do. I don't make eye contact with him. I focus on a point just behind him, so it appears that I'm looking at him. I also answer his questions with short responses. I don't show any kind of emotion when giving those responses.
3. Don't badmouth the Narcissist to your children. I have NEVER said anything mean or cruel about him to my children. Even if your child asks a question about the Narc. A perfect example was in July 2014 when my then 8 year old daughter asked me, "Why don't you yell at us like daddy does?" I had to choose my words carefully in my response to her.
4. Deal with the children's school. I do not rely on my NX for anything regarding my children's education. He has never been forthcoming with information anyway. So, I deal directly with their teachers and main office personnel. I send self addressed stamped envelopes to each teacher to receive schoolwork, artwork and report cards.
But because my NX has custody, I go prolonged periods of time when I don't speak to my children. I once went 4 and a half months without speaking to them, despite me making several (and I mean several) attempts at contacting them, both by phone calls and emails.
When I do speak to my children, I almost never deal with my NX. He may get on the phone sometimes and then I refer to Rules #1 and #2 above of keeping conversations strictly on the topic of the children and keeping my answers short and to the point.
During the prolonged periods of time don't speak to the children, I don't hear from my NX. So, it's like full no contact anyway! Oh, I've gotten emails that are snarky and nasty. But those I ignore. Completely. No response at all. Unless the email contains information about the children. Then I reply to ONLY that part.
What going no contact really means
No contact is the only way to remove the toxicity from your life. Your Narcissistic-Ex was toxic to you. Removing the person from your life will result in you living a happy and healthier life. It's the ultimate way to reclaim your mind, soul and spirit. Going no contact will break the trauma bonds. It gives us the time to begin the path towards healing and recovery.
Have you had an experience with no contact? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you!
The Top 10
Here you will find my most popular posts for easier discovery.
How Narcissists Make Sure You Never Solve Problems In A Relationship
Tightening Your Facebook Privacy Settings
How I Lost My Identity
The Fake Apology
Effects of Emotional Abuse
Why You Should Never Defend Yourself Against The Narcissist's Smear Campaign
Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do
An Open Letter To All Survivors Who Just Got Out Of An Abusive Situation
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The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.