It wasn't until after I was away from my Narcissistic Ex that I realized I didn't recognize myself. I lost my identity. My sense of self. How does this happen? How does one lose their identity? How is it possible to become so engrossed in a relationship that you lose who you are?
I have heard other survivors talk about this very thing. I was so relieved to know that I wasn't the only one!
After the NX discarded me (read my post The Discard for more), I went to live with my family. I was so meek and subservient. I hated to speak up, for fear of my thoughts getting shot down. I always went along with what others wanted to do. I didn't recognize the girl I saw in the mirror. My eyes looked tired. My skin was dry and cracked. My nails were non-existent. I couldn't smile, and even when I tried, it was forced. I couldn't take a compliment from anyone! I was a shell of the girl I used to be. I kept asking myself, "What did he DO to me?" Losing their identity Narcissists will starve their victims of love, attention, validation, and suck the life out of them until there is nothing left. They will play on a victim's vulnerabilities until the victim cowers in fear and shame. The Narcs will use every tactic in the book to tear your self-esteem to shreds. They will want to completely strip you of your identity. To become totally dependent on them. To be their servant. The Narc will force you to lose your identity.
I had always had body image issues. My NX would take that and unleash a barrage of hateful things at me - I was fat, lazy, ugly. More than once, I was told I looked horrible in certain clothes that I wore because it didn't suit my body. So I started dressing in baggy pants, sweats, large t-shirts and sweatshirts....all to hide my hideous body. That is, of course, unless we went out in public to functions for his work or shopping in the area he knew his buddies would be. Then, he'd tell me what to wear so that I could be presentable.
Narcissists will also rage on you, too. (See my post The Narcissistic Rage for more.) The more my NX raged on me, the more I learned to stay quiet. I stopped fighting back. I lost my fighting spirit, my moxie. This is exactly what the Narc wants - to annihilate your independence and your self-worth. And when that happens, we look to others for validation, acceptance, confidence, and value. And where do we look for that? The Narc. But we never get it. Instead, we get ridiculed, judged, criticized, and abused. The Aftermath As I began to heal, I slowly began to realize with the help of therapy, that I was never at fault. It was the abuse that I endured. The more I continued therapy, the more introspective I became. I began to take a close look at myself and analyzed where and how I could get my moxie back. I realized that I was not flawed. You are not flawed. You are an amazing person full of love, creativity, warmth, compassion, and strength. You are not to blame for the abuse. You did nothing wrong. All we did was love with our hearts. Our identity should not come from what others think of us. It should come from within. And I began to realize that with therapy and plenty of patience. I rediscovered myself. And you can too. When did you begin to rediscover yourself? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
21 Comments
Lori
8/16/2016 10:03:46 am
Thank you, thank you, thank you for speaking up about this topic. I'm going through a divorce due to this. So traumatic! I'll be following your blog. It helps me heal to know I'm not alone.
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Jenn
8/16/2016 10:06:28 am
Lori......You're so welcome. I wish you all the best. And you're right......it really does help knowing we're not alone.
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Tracey
8/17/2016 03:28:30 am
Lori me too. It's absolute hell. Are you ok.
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Jenn
8/17/2016 06:24:48 am
Tracey.....This is what I love most about my readers. You guys are so supportive of one another. I just read your post on The Discard, Tracey. And despite your own experience, you show support for another reader. Big hugs to you and to all my readers. :)
Catherine
7/13/2018 02:01:03 am
I lost myself utterly when my NX obsessed over me to the point of madness and then around 20 months in he saw the slightest weakness - and questioning his commitment- and he got very angry and pulled away to the point of total desertion. He abandoned any contact even when he knew I was suffering terribly and even though I was the “love of his life”. He destroyed my sense of self as he manipulated me to be controlled by his every word and I went from a faithful open person to someone who could no longer function . It has taken a year of utter Hell to crawl my way back to existence. Beware girls : I never knew someone could be so
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TSA
8/19/2016 07:20:21 am
this has been going on for over 3 years with me now...had had to get restraining orders because he's straight up unstable...now he says of course the restraining orders are false accusations...ummmm noooo....they are not the easiest thing to get....he still does stupid cyber stuff to me..but I'm gonna send you my story when I have time to write it all...I almost hate even giving him this any kind of my time...but it does heal to write about it...I feel like I was so punked..then that trickles down to "Im so dumb" freakin groundhog day!
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Jenn
8/19/2016 08:11:22 am
TSA......No, restraining orders are not easy to get, that is true. My mom had to get one once against her ex. Take your time in sending the story, there isn't a rush. When you're ready, you can either send it to the email (by clicking the above email icon) or in a private message on my Facebook page of this same name (by clicking the Facebook icon above). Hang in there.
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Jenn
8/20/2016 03:12:25 pm
TSA.....I'm concerned. Please email me at [email protected]. I'll explain in the email.
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Chad
3/2/2017 02:21:07 pm
Wow thank you so much for this!! Literally you are reading my mind!!! This is so accurate I can't even believe it!
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Jenn
3/29/2017 06:26:57 pm
Chad....You're welcome. I hope you are finding ways to regain your identity. It's like Mufasa from the Lion King said to Simba.....Remember who you are.
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Molly
3/19/2017 02:12:09 pm
I find my identity after he left me for three months. I was discovered his behavior while I watching YouTube. I determined he is narcissism, physicopath, and sexual maniac. I am totally codependent when I was with him. I was working for him, helping his business, cleaning his house, cook for him and being his sex slave to him. I let him call me slut etc...I feel I almost lost myself before I leave the relationship. He did not realize I had read through his behavior. He was hoovering and try to get me back to his life. He use the same technique like before, but it no longer working. I see everything that he does is only for his own good. He use these technique to control his slave girls, he have slave girls all over the world. He also use the same technique to his own daughters....The whole point is in the relationship, I am the onoy one learning from the relationship, accept that I am codependent, under his behavior, I am moving forward. He is still stuck in his own little dark cave and never able to move up to be a descent human being.
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Jenn
3/29/2017 06:30:10 pm
Molly.......I am glad you are seeing his behaviors for what they are, and that you are getting your identity back.
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Andrew
3/20/2017 07:33:10 am
"She" and thank you 💗 It's not gender specific
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Jenn
3/29/2017 06:28:24 pm
Andrew.....Oh absolutely. I was speaking mainly from my experience. But yes, Narcissists are female as well. I try now to make my posts in the plural (and say narcissists or they) when I write, unless I'm giving a specific example from my own experience.
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LeAnna
4/10/2017 09:04:10 pm
I was married to a narcissis for 40 years. I so understand your article only due to a wonderful man that knew and understood the brokeness i was in. Woman blame themselves and here comes the guilt and shame. It was an ugly divorce he drug out for 3 years but it was worth it all. I am in the process of finding who i really am.it has been a long painful process and it is far from over. I pray for other woman they have an opportunity to be free and experience true love as i have. Please continue to write and touch lives. Thank you
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Jenn
4/15/2017 04:43:28 pm
LeAnna........Yes, it certainly is a painful process to rediscover ourselves. And yes, I will continue to speak my truth. I've learned so much since beginning this blog (and the Facebook page by this same name). I have gained much strength from fellow survivors such as yourself. Take care.
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Anonymous
8/22/2017 03:30:01 pm
What I'm currently experiencing right now...except for that I'm regaining my identity after having gone through all of this with an abusive partner, but first and mostly relatives (which is where the roots actually came from [being gas-lighted began when I was only 5 years old, which is my earliest memory of it happening]).
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Janice
6/19/2018 02:55:36 pm
I left my narc after a year of being together. We had emotional intimacy..he and his wife decided to get back together. I am in two months of no contact and learning a lot about the healing I need to do. I finally realize he is a narcissist,,I ve been reading material and have a sponsor for just getting me thru the 12 steps, I am going to therapy and working on past relationships. Its been tough but I feel its the right time to heal.
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Anon
10/16/2019 03:44:32 pm
I've just left a 12 year relationship, everything single thing in this post applies to me and the relationship I left. Your blog has really helped me to realise this is NOT my fault and was never about me !!
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Kimberly
10/23/2019 05:48:13 am
Reading this brought me to tears. I've been out of my abusive toxic relationship for 6 years and have found an amazing caring man now. But I since being mentally and physically abused I felt like I had lost myself and you hit the nail on the head when you said a"shell of what I was" I don't have any hobbies anymore I don't find anything funny I can't remember the last time I genuinely laughed or felt happy I constantly feel guilty even to a stranger I might pass or when people bump into me I'm always the one to apologise. I lost my opinions on everything and am too scared to speak up when I used to be so confident and outspoken and was the captain of the debate team in high school. I pick apart my appearance daily. I could never imagine this would be my life and the long term effects of being with such a manipulative horrible person. I've come to accept this is just me now, a ghost of who I was and I honestly don't think I will ever go back the to girl I was before all of this. Even though I have so many things to be happy about and have a wonderful new partner. I wish this person could see how much he has ruined my life.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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