In the beginning stages of healing and recovery, there will be so many mixed emotions that you will feel. I know I felt sadness, anger, sympathy, lost, concerned, scared, worried. You'll want to go back to your Narcissistic Ex. You'll want to contact them, explain that what they did caused you so much pain and anguish. Hear me.....Narcissists will NEVER understand, nor will they ever express any kind of remorse for the pain they caused you.
Today's post is nearly verbatim of what one survivor said to another survivor. Some information has been removed to protect the identities of all involved.
Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not email him. About everything except pure, factual business, the very minimum in non emotional language. He feeds off your pain. He loves drama. He's incredibly abusive. He stabs you with a serrated knife then blames you for the mess you made, bleeding all over the floor like that. He LOVES this, I promise you. And it will only get 1000x worse if you keep letting him get to you. He knows you very well. He knows exactly what buttons to push to hurt you and what strings to pull to manipulate you. He's been studying and experimenting on you for years. He LOVES that you're helpless. He gets to play the dominant master role.
But you're not actually helpless. You are not a burden, you are worth it. You need time to recover, is all. When you have, then you can take care of your proverbial hospital bills. GUARANTEED you will take a LOT longer to heal in any environment that involves him. Don't underestimate the power of positivity in healing - and the vice versa. You WILL get through this. And we will help you. As for your literal hospital bills, no hospital is allowed to refuse emergency treatment. Every time you want to write him something, post it here instead. Everything you want to say something, say it here instead. Refuse to speak to him verbally. If he calls, hang up and say you can only text or email right now. He will trap you and gauge your reactions and keep feeding your emotional state until he gets it to whatever he wants, then make you look like the crazy one by reacting. He might even tape it. Don't give him the pleasure. Above all, remember that the man you fell in love with is NOT the man he is, but a carefully crafted figment of his imagination specifically designed to lure you in. Just keep reminding yourself that the man you love never existed, and you will slowly be able to separate the two. This will enable you to grieve and miss the false man while dealing with the evil, predatory monster you have right in front of you. You are worthy. You are so awesome and special that he picked you, saw you and groomed you so he could steal your light, to try to make it his own. They never seem to realize that taking a candle's flame snuffs out the candle AND extinguishes the flame, and they're all out of wick for their own. If you WEREN'T that fabulous, he would have gotten rid of you a long time ago. Why else on earth would he have anything to do with you let alone want you back otherwise? Only when he's drained you so bad there's nothing left, or he's groomed someone else with more to give because he's taken everything from you, will he discard - but even then, might continue stringing you along and messing with you on the side. Don't let him. Don't give him that chance. Be the one to leave. A huge crush to their ego. NOT their *heart*, their *ego*, do not be fooled. They have no heart, or you'd never have left in the first place, especially now, of all times. Do something nice for yourself. Take a bath, get lots of sleep, eat something warm and healthy. You will feel better about everything with enough of that. Tomorrow's worries will sort themselves out. You've survived THIS far, after all. You'll survive everything else, too.
Can you relate to the above words? Have you felt this way? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
92 Comments
Tina
8/28/2016 02:31:44 pm
This is incredible! And so so helpful! I was about to sit down and write him an email asking why all of a sudden he's so angry when he has done all the actions to hurt. It definitely stopped me in my tracks. Thank you thank you thank you
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Jenn
8/28/2016 05:25:36 pm
Tina....You are so welcome. This open letter was from a survivor to another survivor. The words rang true for me too. That's why I wanted to post this. I hoped that others saw this and made a connection that they hadn't before. I am glad this helped you. Take care.
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annu
8/28/2016 06:19:57 pm
thnx :(
Jenn
8/28/2016 07:39:33 pm
Annu.....You're welcome. Take care.
Mazzi
6/15/2022 04:28:52 am
Thanks you for words of encouragement. I'm taking my healing process as it comes, I allow myself to feel everything that comes with it,I cry when I feel sad, I only struggle with forgiving myself for allowing to go on for almost 2 years when I already saw the signs 6 months into it.I pray for the Lord's strength to protect and cease me from going back to him.
Heather
8/28/2016 06:15:29 pm
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9/5/2016 04:58:51 pm
Ohhhhhh yeah. This is sooo very true. I love that you posted this...thank you
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Jenn
9/5/2016 08:07:22 pm
Christy.....You're quite welcome. I am glad the one survivor said I could post this. I need to read it often to remind me why I need to stay minimal contact (I have kids with the ex so I can't go complete no contact).
Karen
11/1/2016 07:32:16 pm
I just left 6 months ago.. Its a long sad story....I just wish I knew about this in the beginning 😞
Jenn
11/2/2016 08:54:52 am
Karen......I'm sorry that you endured so much. Hang in there.
stromphette
3/23/2017 05:12:31 pm
agree. this helps alot. im in the mid of the night, cant sleep thinking about the man that I 'love'. started to feel the pain. and was thinking of giving up and go back to him. Changed my mind after reading this. it's so true that you should separate the two - the man u wish to love, and the actual monster that u actually love.Pray for me to stay strong and move on. tq guys
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:18:43 pm
Stromphette.........The 2 feelings you are experiencing is called Cognitive Dissonance. You feel one thing in your heart, but you are seeing something completely different with your own 2 eyes. Your brain has difficulty processing that. I wish for you to gain strength and insight. I hope that you stay on a healing path. If you haven't already, stop in to my Facebook page of this same name....just click on the F icon at the top of this page. I post a lot of informative things there too. I will certainly be thinking of you. Take care.
dawn
10/29/2019 10:23:04 pm
Right, everything about the naressticmis true, married for 338 yrs and just left for three years, now im selling my home and hes making remarks to the kids m He loved me so mush, another child adult, He made a big mistake , whats to get back , Because of the money comming in, he sold his house druged it and drank broke and sick now.
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Wendy
8/28/2016 02:39:53 pm
I'm currently married with 3 wonderful children. Very recently discovered gaslighting/narcissism are what has been happening over many years. The tactics in this article have worked for me even though I'm still married. Thank you for this site, it helps me stay grounded daily.
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Jenn
8/28/2016 05:27:16 pm
Wendy.......You are quite welcome. When you say this has been happening to you, do you mean that your husband is the one doing this? I am so sorry that you are enduring such a difficult time. Please know that none of it is your fault, you are not to blame. Stay safe. I'll be thinking of you.
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Jenn
8/28/2016 05:28:47 pm
Sue....You are quite welcome. Take care of yourself. The healing process won't be easy and it won't be quick. I'll be thinking of you.
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kelsey
8/28/2016 03:38:51 pm
My narc ex and I have 2 kids together... He has made my life hell.Hes took everything from me except our kids... He even took our 3 year olds toys and clothes.... Were rebuilding... Slowly. I want to look him in his eyes and tell him what a sack of shit he is... But I'd rather save my air bc it never matters.
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Jenn
8/28/2016 05:31:22 pm
Kelsey........I'm sorry that you experienced that. I am glad that your ex did not take your kids too. Rebuilding will take time. That's okay. Just take care of your sweet babies and yourself. Healing will come. I'll be thinking of you.
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Jamie
8/29/2016 10:58:47 am
I know how you feel! I have 1 child with my narcissist ex husband and he's manipulating our 6 yr old to fight me in court. He's primarily with me during the week but I work full time and only have 1 weekend with our son, ex has 3. I want one more weekend but he's making himself cry to my son (we all know narcissists do not cry) telling him he just wants more time with him so he gets my one and only weekend. Our son meets with the mediator in 2 days and than she'll make a decision but after he's manipulated our son I'm scared they will give him more time! Luckily she busted my ex being a manipulator and called him on it, so I just pray she remembers that as she's talking to my son. The hell is never ending when children are involved
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Jenn
8/29/2016 03:13:34 pm
Jamie.....I agree that the hell is never-ending when kids are involved. Sigh.
Joyce (Navolynski) Johnson
3/24/2017 11:42:58 am
My Divorce Trial is set for May 2,2017. He discarded me on September 13, 2013....So this has been an awful 3.6 years...My husband and I were married for 26 years. I still benifit from reading articles like this..I wish I could have read it in like August 2013...I am very grateful information (education) like this is available. Thank you for writing these articles. 😃
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Julianne
8/28/2016 04:33:23 pm
Yes. I understand and completely agree with what you have said. I am close to the 2 year mark of separation. And yes, I've still got a long way to go. In July I finally had enough self love...to delete his phone number and cut ties with his 23 year old daughter who "wanted to stay friends" on Facebook, which was in reality, track me and then tell daddy. She was at the center of a triangulation he formed, in order to make sure that I never felt as important to him as she is. And the saddest part in that situation is that she has become just like him. It will take (me) years to come to terms with this "relationship" and I have no doubt that I was replaced before I even had time to unpack the things I left with. Most days I refuse to allow myself to rerun all of the red flags I ignored. But the bad days slip in and I will always wonder why (for the first and only time) I denied my initial gut-feelings towards him and allowed myself to live in hell for so long. I will never be the same. I learned a very difficult lesson from someone who said he would love me forever..
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Jenn
8/28/2016 05:37:26 pm
Julianne.......I understand your words well. I am sorry you endured what you did. Narcs can run in families, and I wouldn't be surprised if the 23 year old was "raised" to be one like her dad. Don't rush your healing and recovery. It will happen in its own time. I have done the same as you.....replayed all the red flags over and over in my mind, wondering how I could have fallen for it all. Narcissists are very good at what they do. They lovebomb us and lure us into a false sense of security. I understand the part about never being the same either. In a way that's a good thing! We are stronger, we are wiser, we know what we deserve, we know what we will and will not tolerate in relationships. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
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Heathet
8/28/2016 06:18:02 pm
It's sad that we've all lived the same lives just different men.
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Jenn
8/28/2016 07:46:31 pm
Heather.......Yes, that is so true. Our names are different but our stories are so similar.
Ron
11/6/2016 07:32:53 pm
Or woman
Jenn
11/10/2016 08:38:55 pm
Ron......Yes, true. Narcissists can be women, too.
Yvne
8/28/2016 09:16:42 pm
Julianne, Your words ring true word for word for my own emotions...thank you for helping me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one with those thoughts/feelings. :)
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Jenn
8/28/2016 09:29:31 pm
Yvne.....You are not alone. Remember that. Survivors must stick together. :)
Sharon
8/28/2016 06:23:03 pm
I have been seperated for about 18 months. I was not making very much progress in my healing until I subscribed to your site. Your daily articles have helped me in ways that my multiple therapists and antidepressants could/did not! I have made so much progress in the past couple of months it's amazing! Your articles feel like they were written from inside my relationship!
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Jenn
8/28/2016 07:38:46 pm
Sharon......I am glad you found this site. I truly believe that survivors heal each other. So by helping others, I am helping myself. Anyway....bravo on making strides in your healing journey! That's wonderful. Thank you for sharing your first story with me and my readers. That incident must have been hard to handle. Now that you are further in your healing journey, what goes through your mind now when you think about that incident? Hang in there. Healing will take time. You'll go through ups and downs, but don't let that deter you from continuing on. I'll be thinking of you.
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harpreet
8/29/2016 01:24:47 am
I faced this so many times and now I've understood.
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Alice
8/28/2016 07:22:29 pm
Nearly 4 months free. Nightmares last night. Some days the pain is so real, over whelming. I'm so tired. But I am free. Will it end?
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Jenn
8/28/2016 07:53:02 pm
Alice......That's wonderful that you are 4 months free. Not so wonderful though about the nightmares. I'm sorry that you have to deal with having them. Yes, the pain will be real. The reason is because our love for the Narcs was real. They made us fall in love with a fake persona. So it stands to reason that the aftermath will be painful. I'm sorry that you have to endure such pain. I have been where you are. I have felt that intense pain. I still have bad days where the emotional pain gets to me. Some day the pain will lessen....it won't end though. It will get to a point for survivors where it doesn't cause us debilitating emotional stress and anguish. We will be able to live with it. I have come to a point in my healing where the memories don't trigger PTSD symptoms anymore. I still remember them of course, but the intense pain from them doesn't hold me back anymore. I know you will get to that point someday. Are you in therapy? Being in therapy truly helped me, and I know it's helped other survivors too. Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.
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Patty
9/5/2017 07:31:00 pm
I understand. I have been trying to get free for so long. He did some terrible thing this summer, cheating got a girl pregnant, blamed me for. Called me horrible things, broke me again. I'm starting no cantace fresh. Giving it another go. I'm so hurt and disalusioned, I just can't comprehend the crulity.
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Yvne
8/28/2016 09:28:52 pm
First I want to say thank you so much for this site.
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Jenn
8/29/2016 06:30:58 am
Yvne......You're welcome. I'm sorry that you're stuck until the house sells. Do you know how much longer until it's sold? I hope you can find ways to cope until then. Yes, the memories are going to make it seem like there were good times. But there are never truly any real good times with a Narc.
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harpreet
8/28/2016 10:54:45 pm
Thank you,your article seems to be for me . Thank you for publishing.
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Jenn
8/29/2016 06:32:13 am
Harpreet.......You're welcome. I'm sorry that this has been happening to you. Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.
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Kim
8/29/2016 01:26:08 am
Thank you! Wish I had read this years ago. Perhaps I wouldn't have spent two inheritances from my parents, investing in what I'd believed was my dream of building a happy, healthy family. Smh- he left with less than 24 hours notice, after 23 years of marriage, relationship began in 1987. It really is a textbook case- absolutely sick! Too bad I tried for so long (6 years) to bring a child into our mess. I don't regret my son for a second! I only regret he's stuck with a narcissist dad and paternal grandmother.
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Jenn
8/29/2016 06:51:48 am
Kim.....I'm so sorry that you endured what you did. I hope you and your son can find peace and healing. And good for you that you kept excellent records so that you can use it in court. Good luck to you. I'll be thinking of you.
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Kim
8/30/2016 07:08:08 am
Thank you Jenn! I'm sorry you've gone through so much also. I've been reading through everything and found you to be incredible!
Jenn
8/31/2016 10:06:57 am
Kim......Thank you so much. I still have moments of complete pain and anguish, but I find ways to handle it. My healing journey is not complete......I have to much healing left to do. I find such strength through my fellow survivors, too. Take care.
Mell
8/29/2016 05:19:51 am
You read my mind... 15 long years has finally come to a end. the toxic fairy tale is over!
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Jenn
8/29/2016 06:57:11 am
Mell......That's great news. I hope things will be better for you now. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Jamie
8/29/2016 11:21:04 am
While it is so sad there are so many women in here with these stories it also nice to realize we are not alone. I got out 10 months ago, we have a child together so it's not as easy for me to cut ties. We were married for 7 years and all of those were hell but maybe 1. Those narcissist are so damn good at being fake and winning you over!!! He was nice long enough to get me to marry him and have his baby and after that it slowly got worse and worse and he became more of a monster. In the beginning his daughter was only 2 and he purposely made us jealous of each other, at the time I thought it was cute. Then as the years went by he began to treat her bad, it was either her or me, he was never nice to both of us at the same time. Then he started bullying my older son (he's 10 now) but he always treated our son (he's 6) like a prince. I left 3 times and always went back with promises of change. I finally realized I needed to stay until I hated him so I wouldn't ever go back so that's what I did. My breaking point was how he was treating my oldest son (his stepson) One day I called my dad and said "I'm ready, I'm done" and my big brother came over and picked up my older son and my dad came over to help me get out with my youngest son and necessities and I've been gone since. It took me a long time to realize how bad things were, things I had blocked out and than BAM I would remember or realize and it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I've went to massive amounts of guilt feelings for putting my oldest son in that situation. I homeschooled him after we left so we had some good one on one time together to start rebuilding our relationship. We're still staying with my parents but I have a good job (first job in 7 years) and I support my 2 boys on my own and it feels AMAZING! The fight isn't over, my ex has a fiancé already and they are BOTH narcissists so it's hell times 2 now, but at least it's not everyday anymore, at least I'm stronger now and I know I AM worthy. Part of me feels bad for the fiancé but she's just as sick as him and tries to make me jealous that she's around my son (never tries to make me jealous that she has my ex, only my son) she's an alcoholic that lost custody of her own daughter. I got in the court order that she's not allowed to be alone with my 6 year old but it probably doesn't matter. The frustration is never ending but I'm thankful to be out
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Jenn
8/29/2016 03:08:03 pm
Jamie........I am glad that you are out now and on a path of healing. I truly do understand that you had to be ready to leave. People tried telling me to leave, and help me see how bad the situation was. I had to see it on my own. I am sorry that you endured what you did. I hope you and your children are rebuilding together. I understand about the blocking things out. I've been out 6 years now and I remember things even now. It hurts to remember the bad, but I use the techniques in therapy that I was taught and the anxiety subsides. I am glad you are stronger now. And yes, you are worthy. Take care.
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MaryEllen
8/30/2016 10:21:53 pm
Was having a real hard time tonight. But thanks for reminding me/us that we are survivors. That has made me stronger tonight. Thanks so much.
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Jenn
8/31/2016 10:01:14 am
MaryEllen......You are quite welcome. Take care.
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Sarah
9/4/2016 08:30:05 am
I have just found this page, and I want to say thank you.
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Jenn
9/4/2016 05:50:23 pm
Sarah.....Welcome then to this page. I am glad you found it. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. You will find that there are many who have experienced what you have....me included. Those who tell you to "get over it" or who don't believe you, are the ones who do not understand. And there's no point in trying to explain things to them.....they will only understand from their level of perception and they will believe what they want to. You are so welcome for the support. When I began my journey down the healing and recovery path, I found some support in the women's shelter that I attended group therapy at. I read books, even attended individual therapy. The turning point in my recovery was when I moved to the city I am currently living in.....I had found a wonderful therapist who was well-versed in emotional abuse and even had me do EMDR therapy with her. When I started this blog though (and the Facebook page of the same same), I began another chapter in my healing journey. I firmly believe that when I help heal others, I help heal myself. It's a community effort. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Paolo
9/4/2016 05:24:39 pm
Somehow it feels good so read that I'm not alone into this battle against Narcissistic and Abusive Relationship. I escape her with a Police stand-off from the house less then 15 days ago. Or better say, as soon as I escape, she called the police in tears "crying" and saying things relatable to domestic violence... so once police got at the house, and heard all statements, they told me she is a nut case, to pack my stuff and go. Now I'm a survivor and I find it extremely difficult to disassociate from her, from the routine of the abuse (lasted 7 years) and reconnecting with all the people she has manipulated me to distance from me. It is difficult to explain how "Hate and Love" where constantly present in possibly a fantasy and fake scenarios she would build for me to believe into... Mind you, my 11 years old daughter has not received any of any news from me, since I got into this Narcissistic and Abusive relationship. Thank you-
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Jenn
9/4/2016 05:53:31 pm
Paolo.......No, you are not alone. As I mentioned to Sarah above, there are many who have experienced similar things as you have. Please take comfort in knowing that you can find strength and healing here. Have you liked my Facebook page of the same name as this blog? I post lots of information there too. Anyway, I am happy you are out of your situation. Healing and recovery will take time. Don't rush it. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Erin
9/4/2016 05:51:15 pm
I just broke up with mine a week ago. I had to call the police on him that night as he forced his way into my apartment and refused to leave. He was so angry with me because I asked if he would like to join my friends and I for drinks when he got off work and he wanted to make dinner at my place instead. Something that small sent him into a rage. He had the nerve to tell me the next day that I antagonized him to that point (aka brought it on myself). I have been crying non stop since. I miss him and hate him all at the same time. I am heartbroken and burned down to ashes. I don't know how long this will take me to get past. I am seeing a therapist weekly but this hurts so much. Reading this and the comments gives me hope and strength. Thank you.
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Jenn
9/4/2016 05:57:51 pm
Erin......Toxic people will look for any excuse to blame others. They don't take responsibility for their actions. So even the little things will send them into a rage. I understand the torn feelings you have. I felt the same way. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. I am glad you are in therapy. Several books have helped me too.....the two that helped me the most were Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie. There are other books out there but those 2 were by far the best. I still look through them and read them! Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Erin
9/4/2016 06:18:32 pm
Jenn thank you for responding. And for the book recommendations. I just started one today called The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It teaches you to trust your gut feelings and intuition in order to protect yourself from domestic violence like this. I will add your recommendations to my list as well!
Jenn
9/4/2016 06:28:28 pm
Erin......You are quite welcome. I have not heard of the book you mention. I will check it out. It'll be on my list of things to get next. Thanks!
Kimberly Keene
9/26/2016 12:06:14 am
I think I can do it. I think I can leave and most importantly, stay gone. I believe because you believe. Thank you thank you thank you!
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Jenn
9/28/2016 06:13:52 am
Kimberly.....You are quite welcome. A survivor had said this to another survivor. I thought it was just so perfect, and she said I could use it for my blog. If/When you decide to leave, please make sure you stay safe. Involve the local police and get them to accompany you to get your things, if you need to.
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P
9/26/2016 06:30:51 pm
I am raw at the moment. The wound is only a few days old. This is the third time he has left me to go online and justifies it with his mental illness. I am confused as I too struggle with depression. I left my husband of 10 years and went to him. I feel very confused that I am still spinning. I don't know how to get out of this. I feel very alone. The few people that do know him know it has to be me to make the cut but I am struggling badly. I need some support badly from others who have experienced this. I feel confused because he expresses being sorry and says that I deserve better... Please shed some light for me please...
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Jenn
9/28/2016 06:23:13 am
P.......I'm sorry that you have had to endure what you have been. I understand your feelings. I have been there. It's okay to feeling confused and raw. It's okay to struggle. Have you found my Facebook page with the same name as this blog? Just click on the Facebook icon at the top of this page....there's lots more info posted, and lots of survivors there to help you through your experiences. Knowledge is power, P. You will find your way and you will gain strength. I truly believe that. Just take it slow at first. Healing and recovery will take time. Narcissists never apologize and are never truly sorry.....their apologies are always fake. It sounds like you do have people in your corner to leave the Narc. Enlist their help if you have to. Is there a women's shelter or women's crisis center near where you live? Ask for their assistance too.....centers like that typically have a lot of resources (shelters to temporarily stay in, financial help, etc). If you trust your local church or synagogue, confide in them and perhaps they will have some advice to offer. I didn't know where to turn either when my ex Narc discarded me. I am so thankful that I can now provide some light for others going through similar experiences. Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.
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Liza
3/6/2017 06:50:49 pm
He's texting me as I read this, wanting me to call. He has something real quick to tell me. I say text it to me. Then why won't I talk to him. I don't respond he keeps texting. Then tries to discard me, saying it's over. I wish it were truly over. Like I told my daughter I'm just glad it's no longer 24/7 that we have to deal with him. Just wish I still had some friends left that I could call on to talk to spend time with so this healing isn't so lonely. There's only so much I can and should say to my 14 year old daughter and she has her own healing to do that I'm trying to help her through.
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:23:23 pm
Liza.......I hope that you have found a healing path for yourself that leads you to new insight. Have you found a therapist yet? I once thought that going to therapy was something to be ashamed of. I don't feel that way anymore. It really can help people through incredibly tough times. A great way to start healing is going No Contact. If he is the father of your daughter, going minimal contact is best. Block him on all forms of social media and even his phone number. Correspond only through email......that way, you can respond at your leisure (be it an hour after you read the email or days after you read it) and respond only to the portions that pertain to your child. Disregard anything he says about missing you, or reminiscing on old times, or just that he wants to hear your voice, etc. Don't respond to any of that. I will be thinking of you. Take care.
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melanie
3/14/2017 09:42:32 pm
My ex used to take condoms out of my purse and use them with another woman and when i asked Where the hell were you? what happened? then I would see the condoms were ripped apart or one was missing and he would say what a psycho I am to count them. It was a long time before i let myself believe the truth. He would say You must have used it or someone must have gone in your purse.Right and they only did it when he would disapear with a woman too. i feel tortured inside still. we didn't use condoms. They were free from the clinic and I only ever grabbed 4 at a time. they were for just in case. but he had so many cases...Weve just broken up. I told him we were so very different now. He bought it. I just realized i would never feel safe with him and wanted my mind and body back all to myself. does anybody identify with my story? I feel so alone when I think of his abuse. my prof at university told me about this site.
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:27:13 pm
Melanie.......You are not alone. Not ever. You have found a home here on the pages of this blog. Also, if you haven't already, come on over to my Facebook page of this same name.....just click on the F icon at the top of this page. I post lots of great stuff there too. You will have a community of survivors who know what you are going through. I firmly believe that there is strength in numbers, and survivors can help each other through. I have even sought advice from my readers! Your professor told you about my blog? Wow, I am grateful. Tell your professor that the blog owner said a heartfelt thank you. I am a survivor just like you, Melanie. I write from my own experiences, coupled with things I've learned over the years. It truly does help when we know we aren't alone. I will be thinking of you. Hang in there.
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Jesse
3/24/2017 06:17:13 pm
I just can't believe he doesn't care about the pain he's caused, that he doesn't feel like he has done wrong or should change. I can't get my head around how anyone can be that way. I am still trying to put the word abusive next to him, he was so downtrodden, always a victim, always something that was wrong, always a reason to feel sorry for him. It was never his fault. I can't stand that I can't stop him doing it again, he's already doing it to someone new and I am just letting him. I can't stand that, and I know I am focusing on that because the alternative thought is that he's giving someone else all the words he gave me, he's giving them the love he promised me. I just can't understand how he could be so dead and cruel and utterly heartless. I don't understand what he gained from it.
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:32:28 pm
Jesse........Boy do I know what you are going through! I have thought and felt exactly the same things. The thing that I have learned is that Narcissists do not care one bit. They have no empathy. They know the pain they cause us, and they don't care. I can't explain WHY they do what they do, but they do it because that's just the way they have always operated. They are manipulative people who seek to get what they want from others by using them. I suggest 2 amazing books, if you haven't read them already........Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie. The links to these 2 books are in the "Books" tab at the top of this page. And yes, I do know what you mean about wanting to warn the new supply.....my ex is set to marry his new supply in a few weeks, and I've wanted to warn her since I learned they were together over a year ago. I've kept my mouth shut, because he's likely told her about me already and how I'm the crazy one, so if I said anything to her, she wouldn't believe me since he's still lovebombing her. If you haven't already, head over to my Facebook page of this same name....just click the F icon at the top of this page. Hang in there.
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Susan
4/5/2017 02:02:15 pm
Thank you for your honesty and your beautiful writing. I am so sorry that we have been through this. I am so, so sorry about your situation with your children, and I only hope that God can carry some of this suffering for you. My narc-stbx was also a former military guy -- a foot taller than me and a 125 pounds heavier than me. Also, very physically and emotionally abusive. After being discarded/silent treatment about 20 times, he did it in the worst way possible -- while I was literally on my death bed...only 42 years old with a rare disease that landed me in the hospital with emergency brain surgery -- I am positive this had to do with the 10 years of manipulation. Only 2 months post-discard. I decided to file for divorce and never put my kids through this. Luckily, the kids are mine, but the divorce process sucks, regardless because of the flying monkeys and smear campaign. Like you, I've decided to start EMDR. It hurts, and I started no contact three weeks ago because I was trying to beg him back, and he was just manipulating me some more. I decided to just let it be the final discard/ST and get off of this sick rollercoaster. I am in a lot of pain from the C-PTSD and shock, but reading posts like yours gives me so much hope. Much love.
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Jenn
4/15/2017 04:50:55 pm
Susan.....This was actually written by a fellow survivor. She permitted me to use her writing, but I took out certain identifying parts that would reveal the other survivors. But yes, these words struck a chord in me too. How has EMDR been for you? It really helped me in my healing journey. Good luck to you. If you haven't already, stop in at the Facebook page by this same name. Just click the F icon at the top of this page. I post lots of helpful things there too.
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Jenn R
4/14/2017 06:05:03 pm
Thank you. Im only about a week out and not doing very well. Incredibly lost and emotional.
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Jenn
4/15/2017 05:04:49 pm
Jenn......It's okay to not be doing well. I guess what I mean by that is, your blinders are just coming off and you're just now seeing through the fog. It's natural to feel lost and confused. It's going to take time to find your way. But I have faith that you will find your way. There are lots of Facebook support groups. I found solace in that in the beginning stages. Also, don't be ashamed to seek out a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse. Perhaps there is a women's shelter in your area that can provide you with some guidance. Hang in there. If you haven't already, head over to my Facebook page of this same name.....just click the F icon at the top of this page. The community on my page is super. We have provided each other with lots of support. Hang in there, Jenn. You'll find your way.
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ray ray
4/19/2017 07:16:14 pm
I am unfortunately still with my nx :( despite all the abuse lies and name calling I feel like when we separate I can't breath I literally struggle to take a breath. I realize this is a typical trauma bond but how do I overcome that feeling and get out. How do i function in life... at work? How do I breath :( Honestly I know if I stay I will die inside slowly but if I leave I won't survive a week.
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Courtz
4/26/2017 06:45:30 am
I have gone through hell after the break-up of being publically, violently and emabarrassingly discarded by my ex narcisst. This happened a day after we made love and I love bombed. I couldnt understand what happened to the incredible man i met. It was a feeling of death at the way he treated me when I wanted answers and was begging him to make things work... It was 5 months later that i learnt about a narcisst and now the pain is not so intense. I pray he gets the worst kind of pain for whatever he put me through but even more I pray he be erased from my memory, Lying, conniving, charming SNAKE that he is.
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lost
6/22/2017 06:26:45 pm
Thank you. I'm 8 weeks into my freedom. If you can call it that 🙁 I have 2 kids with my nX and our relationship lasted 8 years. I had enough after another one of his verbal rages and out.downs and told him I wanted to break up...2 days later he tried to act normal (this was a pattern, he would say horrible terrible things to me, devalue me and make me.feel crazy and then igore it like it never happened and if I said I was hurt by things then I was carrying on the argument or over reacting. 8 years of having to d'etat friends (male and some.female) from fb as he deemed them a threat. And constantly accused me of affairs, searched thrush my phones, messages constantly 10 ones and hour, wanting to know where I am...Every day. .I got used to it. Now I founderstand out that he has had an affair and is with the woman nw . I feel humiliated and I am so hurt.
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Penny
7/16/2017 02:43:44 pm
I am in the beginning stages of leaving my NX... He is in prison for physically abusing me... almost to my death and continued to manipulate and control me from there... even told me one time that it would be easier for me to leave him while he was in prison... I've broken the no contact more than once and find I can't help myself... what have others done to keep themselves in check when it comes to no contact? I've been reading alot of HG Tudors books and it seems to help... I need support but don't have the funds nor the insurance for a therapist
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Sue
7/23/2017 12:23:22 am
Having just clawed my way out I'm now trying to see how to move forward ....looking back it is so clear 10 years , 7 years I was lied to, groomed to only want him only him...loved bombed pushed away begged to go back..love bombed again then the move in to his house ...oops then it began the real anialation of my soul the cruelty the twisted cunning ways to break your spirit tear you apart ,the lies the absolute lies and deceit ...the most evil creature worse than anything ever ...how do they live how do they not die ...how can this absolute evil continue to exist ..they steal your financial status your belongings your furniture .....they lie to everyone yet still,appear to have long term friendships with same sex who over the years would have witnessed their pattern ..the way all the relationships end the same start the same .....why do we have to continue to know that this absolute cruelty goes on and on and another is going through the same ....it is disgusting ...how do we stop this happening again and again to more victims ........
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Eli
11/21/2017 07:07:32 pm
Thank you for this letter, and your whole site. It is so accurate and that is validating--badly needed in the midst of such a cruel experience. There is really nothing like the unbelievable pain of understanding that someone you love wholeheartedly does not only not love you, but is incapable of love. It is a bitter lesson I learned long ago with my family, and now again with a man I totally believed was true and loving. After less than two years I have become suicidally depressed--all the mind games and unacknowledged abuse, not to mention the continuing abuse, have taken their toll. Fortunately, I know what I am dealing with, even if I failed to recognize it at first. Their motives and abuse are utterly incomprehensible. I may not feel well, but thank God I have begun to recover myself. It is so sad. I feel there are so many of these monsters out there, hiding in normal-looking bodies and faces. I never want to be this close to anyone again.
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Vlada
1/18/2018 03:08:54 pm
I have moved out from my Narc wife, from the house I so lovingly built and from my three wonderful kids. She turned out to be a serial cheater and lier. I loved her so much, now I understand that I loved an image. She continues to use all the manipulative tactics, she is so good at this.... and my heart is still bleeding. I lost everything but I think I already started to rebuild myself. What a shame, I was so blind and naive... god help me to save the very few assets I can keep to myself, and please give me wisdom to organize everything so that I do not lose contact with my kids...
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Coop
6/28/2018 09:48:02 pm
This is so true if you replace every him with her. Every he with she. Etc. I have been so close to literally going crazy. To killing myself. I might just be able to get through this.
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danny
7/1/2018 06:51:23 pm
She* She's* Her* Woman*
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Jane
7/5/2018 02:08:44 pm
My narc discarded me one week ago. this has been one of many in the past 6 years. My intuition knew he was lying and cheating and when i saw proof with my own eyes, he completely denied it and said i was jealous, crazy and making up drama. When i called him out, he said he was done. cut me off from phone, text, messages, and online. He proceeds to do a smear campaign publicly and privately to announce what a wackjob i am so that he looks like the victim. I am very devastated to be treated like a piece of garbage being tossed out. So why do i feel anxious, and i actually want him to call. The silence is torture!! Will he return in a month?, 3 months, a year? For all that ive studied, they always return. im just wondering how im going to be strong enough to survive this recent ghosting. How could i have ever loved such a monster and why do i still wish he’d call? Any suggestions please 🙏🏻
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Melissa
7/26/2018 03:08:25 am
Hi, I have literally just split with a what I now to know as a NC. Having read these threads has really allowed me to understand the relationship I was in. The emotions I m feeling, the wanting to speak to him, tell him I’m sorry, beg him to come back. But reading these comments have allowed myself to understand not to!! Letting go, standing on my own is the hardest thing to do. I do something I really want approval for him. I feel so weak but I feel having read these threads I’m getting stronger. He has turned so nasty. Threatening to take my son and my house, saying I’m useless, my son is bonded more with him! Im trying not to let it affect me but it is still early days! I really appreciate these posts. Very eye opening and reassuring on my next steps.
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Martha
8/11/2018 05:02:46 am
It is mind fuckery. That is as accurate a term as I can express. You start with a kind, caring, extremely attentive, charming and very funny best friend for a few weeks and end up literally overnight with a very , bey sick, passive-aggressive and openly aggressive and extremely mean NEGLECTFUL CREEP who ignores you ON PURPOSE so that you CHASE HIM, trying to figure out WTF is going on. Come to find out, HE WILL NEVER TELL YOU. So, you go from being this extremely happy person who feels she couldn't possibly be more happy to have met this utterly wonderful and funny and EXTREMELY WONDERFUL COMMUNICATOR to the DEVIL INCARNATE who neglects you, humiliates you if you complain about the EXTREMELY POOR COMMUNICATION and the fact that you do NOT even RECOGNIZE HIM ANYMORE. It's as if he is not even remotely the man you fell madly in love with, but instead a totally different SPECIES, a cruel, vicious, complete creep who can't muster a second of his time to bother with you FOR NO APPARENT REASON except that you complained about the 'about face". The SICK EVIL about face is the REAL him. It is the most awful horrible interpersonal garbage you will ever experience because it is a complete con job. The man you met at the beginning is a sick act aimed at getting a shitload of resources from you. You are only an object and a possession to him, until you figure it out and then he throes you in the garbage like a 2 year old would throw his "favorite toy". Psychopaths have subtle yet significant brain damage. They CANNOT be helped, fixed, or redeemed in ANY WAY. You are in EXTREME DANGER by interacting with him because NOBODY matters to him. No contact is really great because it puts the focus on YOU, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEELINGS, and most importantly, YOUR WANTS, NOT his. You have dodged a MASSIVE bullet and come out with a few braised woulds, but still MADE IT OUT HAPPY AND ALIVE. NOBODY WILL EVER DO THIS SHIT TO YOU EVER AGAIN!!!!!! You NOW have boundaries and WILL ENFORCE THEM, no matter what that means. YOU matter and NOBODY will ever let you forget that. I came out the other end CONFIDENT and thrilled to be free. I have learned to protect myself FROM EVERYONE. If ANYONE makes me feel EVEN SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE, I quietly and quickly stay the fuck away from them.I no longer "talk to strangers". They are "strangers", and if someone who used to act well becomes nasty, I RUN. No contact with NO EXPLANATION. You do NOT owe ANYBODY an explanation as to why you behave in ways that protect YOU, no matter how long you've known them. You are about YOU from here on, and your WANTS are what should concern you, not the wants of conmen. I cannot emphasize enough HOW DANGEROUS THEY ARE AND CAN BE EVEN IF THEY HAVE NOT YET PHYSICALLY HARMED YOU. Do NOT wait to find out what they are capable of, which is ANYTHING. You do not need to tango with a psychopath. He is BRAIN DAMAGED and you should NOT be at the mercy of a BRAIN DAMAGED MAN. He is NOT really a man. He is a 2 year old "sick man", a 2 year old dangerously sick man. Why should you be at the mercy of that ? RUNNNNNNNN AWAY and FAST!
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8/28/2018 07:01:11 am
Without sounding overly dramatic, I've been reading some of these comments... And right now I just want to puke! I feel like a sledgehammer has just hit me in the stomach. How could I have allowed this to continue?!! I feel so hopeless, helpless and extremely vulnerable right now. It's like anger and bitterness has taken over on top of everything else because of the reality that this will Never Ever Change! I can slowly get swallowed up and isolated from the insuing depression, lose myself, my emotional wellbeing and own mental health... or try to hold on and offer what little is left of myself to my sweet, wonderful daughter, so she can still live in an intake home and have whatever kind of normal life we can provide for her! So many times parents will say how they would die for their children. I feel that in so many ways I have my child's happiness, security, and future life in my hands. Am I being just as narcisstic if I fail her, putting my own desperation before her. This will always be a struggle with my husbands family, along with their rejection (m-i-l is the narc.) And the constant poisoning of the well! I can not imagine staying in this fish bowl town where every snooty cold family member of my husband's lives no less then 10 min. away. Yet I'm stuck because of my husbands mental health reasons and financial reasons! I need to find a place to heal from the emotional abuse and put downs that have made me feel like an empty shell... A broken empty shell! But this is still my burden to bare, not my innocent daughter who has been constantly manipulated by her Grandmother that it's beyond her comprehension that her Grandmother could do no wrong, therefore I am the one causing conflict, I am the one to blame! I'm so tired of this that I can't hardly sleep at night if that makes any sense! How I wish my parents were alive... Sometimes I just need to lay down all this burden and weight and be rocked again in someone else's arms!
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joanna escalante
9/16/2018 01:08:46 pm
i believe im still at that state of "what if", what if im wrong about him , what if he is able to take my baby from me??? what if he's not not a NX and im the crazy one. all these question eat at me everyday , I feel im still under control. i have a sense of worry everyday that he is around somewhere trying to figure out where we are..... my worst fear is my little girl will be the one hurt the most out of all this.
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Deb
7/9/2019 04:37:52 pm
I have only discovered that I am married to a narcissist after 24 years. I cant believe I didn't c it before. Now I have made the decision to leave I feel so much better in myself and full of energy. Everything I am reading here says it all. I recently found out he is spying on me and has cameras and listening devices in the house. I never realised that was a narcissist trait. I am learning so much. He has told my friends and neighbours I am crazy. Also another trait. Thank u so much for this site it has really helped me to rise above it as I now realise it's all part of him. Thank u.
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Nicole Cobb
11/6/2019 08:46:53 pm
I left my spouse with the help of a,restraining order and somehow got sucked back in. I made the mistake of trying to communicate with him about our kids and he partially convinced me he was a changed man. You think after 25 years of abuse manipulation and infidelity I'd get a clue. I know for a fact he's seeing other women we are separated and he's living in another state so really that's his choice my problem is he's still stating his undying devotion to me when I know in my gut he's involved with others. My gut has never been wrong I know from past experience. It's the lies and lack if validating my gut feelings that show no change has taken place over the last two months he's slowly stepped back. Basically he had discarded me for the new victim but is trying to string me along. This is just history repeating itself. Problem.is I know all this in my head but it doesn't make the pain of it all any easier. I'm a kind hearted decent person who this man had tried so many times to ruin. And I don't deserve any of it. It's just hard to see someone I love who isn't real. My faith in God has gotten me through the worst times with this man. But he's learned to use my faith now as a means to pull me back in again. So many people with similar stories it just makes it even harder to believe are there any real decent people out there who would treat me right? I'm not even interested in dating or being with anyone sexually because I trust no one. That just makes things more lonely. I pray God will give me the strength for no contact and I will move past this.
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Sarah
4/7/2020 11:26:34 am
This is incredible. So perfectly put.
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Thank you for letting me put my opinion in this matter I'm not happy with way it has turned out for any of us I loved both women and they just wanted to use a good guy for a part time guy but why tell me that they we're truely in love me when they knew that was a lie why play with me mind????
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Samara
2/26/2022 09:13:55 pm
Jenn,
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Erin
10/12/2022 02:57:10 pm
Thank you for creating this blog! I am reading through every single article. I am married to an abusive narcissist and am currently in the process of a divorce - my choice, my decision, for the second time. This time I am sticking to my guns, and I will not allow him to manipulate me back into his web of evil. And it IS pure evil.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.
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