You’ve made the decision. You want to leave. You’ve had enough and you need to get out. But how? There are dos and don’ts when it comes to safely leaving the Narcissist.
I truly do get it. You just want out. But there’s more to it than just throwing your belongings in your car and running for the hills.
1.Have a safety plan
Out of all the things to remember, having a safety plan is of the utmost importance. There is A LOT to keep in mind within this one thing.
According to the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness, there are many questions to ask yourself when developing your safety plan. Among them are:
2.Gather important papers
This is a vital piece of information to keep in mind as you plan to safely leave the abusive situation. You will need your driver’s license, birth certificate (and your children’s as well), car title, any bank documents, social security cards, passport, medicines, etc. Put all of these things in a bag in an easy to access location.
3.Tell trusted individuals about your plan
I know I briefly mentioned this above, but it is essential to inform a few trusted friends and/or family members of your intentions of leaving the Narcissistic abuser. Perhaps you can stay with a family member or friend. Or if that is not an option, let them know where you will be staying (like a crisis center or shelter).
4.Tell your children’s school
There is no need to go into great detail with the school, but inform them that the situation is not stable and that the person is not allowed to pick up the children from school or daycare. Give them a list of who IS allowed to pick the children up.
If you do not already have one, open up a savings account in your name. Deposit money into the account a little bit at a time. When you open this account, give the bank a safe address for you – perhaps a PO Box or a family member’s address or work address. Be sure to have any banks statements mailed to the PO Box or a family member’s home.
6.Be an advocate for yourself and your children
When you do leave, it is imperative that you go to court as soon as possible to gain full legal custody of the children. You don’t want to be accused of kidnapping. Being an advocate for yourself and your children will require you to speak up about the abuse you endured. If the courts require visitation, ask that there be stipulations placed on visitations, like the exchanges take place in a public place and/or that there be a third party to monitor the exchanges.
1.Tell the Narcissist of your intentions
It is vital to NOT tell the Narcissists of your plan to leave them. It would likely create an extremely unsafe situation if they went into a Narcissistic Rage. (See my blog on The Narcissistic Rage for more information.)
Though women are at a higher risk of injury or death from their male abusive partner, it is known that men can face the same results from a female abuser.
“Seventy-four percent of all cases reviewed involved a couple where there was a history of domestic violence. The top risk factors for intimate partner homicide have been consistently identified as actual or pending separation, perpetrator depression, obsessive behaviour and the victim’s intuitive sense of fear. Eighty-one percent of the homicide victims were adult females.”
2.Make calls before you leave
Making calls to lawyers, domestic violence shelters and the like before you leave is not a good idea. This is especially true if the calls can be traced back to the phone you share with the Narcissistic abuser. (Think caller ID, or return phone calls!) If you must make calls, do so from a friend or family member’s phone, and give those places the number of where you’ll be fleeing to.
3.Go to someone’s home the Narcissist knows
I know you’d feel most safe with your parents or other trusted family member, or a best friend. But these are the places the Narcissist is most likely to look for you first. If you have a friend or family member the Narcissist does not know, it is wiser to go there. Or, if you must go to a domestic violence shelter. If you don’t know of one in your area, you can always go to the local hospital or police station – they’d be able to provide you with resources.
Your safety is of utmost importance. If you feel you are in immediate danger, just leave. While it is important to do what’s listed above, your safety is more important. You can always get copies of those important papers at a later time. If you are not in any immediate danger, do take the time to plan to leave.
Author’s Note: I have been thinking about writing this post for quite some time. I recalled the time when my own mother left her abusive relationship. She took great care in planning her escape – she saved money, she informed a trusted family member of her intention to leave, she got herself a restraining order against her abuser. When the time came for her to leave, she showed up to the home, with not just that family member she informed, but also a local police officer! The abuser was stunned. He did not give her any trouble as she went in and got more of her things.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you!
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The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.