To discard is to get rid of or abandon. You can discard an old pair of shoes, you can discard unwanted cards in your hand during a game of poker, and you can also discard old clothing that doesn't fit anymore.
In a Narcissist's dictionary, discarding also means to get rid of people. My NX would begin to devalue me (ie the silent treatment, belittling you, etc), I'd sulk and pull away and want to leave. He'd pour on the charm again and lovebomb me. All this was to ensure I'd never leave. He'd play this game ad nauseum, making sure to always reel me back in.
You see, in the Narc's eyes, you can never be the one to leave.They are the ones to decide when it's over. And trust me, the Narc will discard you without a thought to your feelings. In fact, the Narc will discard you in the most humiliating, demeaning and horrific way possible.
My discard came out of left field. I had NO idea it was coming. It was May 2010. I was in a court ordered anger management class. I saw my NX pull up to the building in his truck. My class ended and I made my way to the front lobby.
In the lobby, I saw his "therapist" leaning at the front desk. He stops me to talk to me. (Looking back, I realize now that he was a flying monkey. See my post on Flying Monkeys for more info.) Then I see the family advocacy lady approaching. At that point, I knew something was up. She asks me to follow her to her office. The flying monkey followed. Shortly after, my NX appears in the office. He tells me that I have 2 hours to pack what I can and get out. But I had to get my young son from daycare. No, the ex would go get him. (They needed me to stay in the office!) The NX brought my son back to the office and "allowed" me to say goodbye to him. Could I say goodbye to my then toddler-aged daughter? No. He denied me the chance to say goodbye to her! Looking back, I realize he knew what room the class would be in and knew what time my class ended. So, he parked his truck where he KNEW I would see it! (The classroom had a window that looked out to the parking lot.) I also realize that my daughter would remember that day, so that could be why he denied me the goodbye to her but allowed the goodbye to my son. Because my son wouldn't remember. And the sick part? I have kept emails from him telling me that it's my fault that I never said goodbye to my daughter. That's the twisted sick mind of a Narc, for ya! They always twist things around to suit their version of the truth. The discard will inevitably leave you wondering what you did wrong. Let me be clear.....you did NOTHING wrong. It was not your fault. The devalue and discard has nothing to do with you. The Narc just cannot (and will never be able to) have a meaningful or real relationship with anyone. You were just a pawn in their game, a source of supply for them. And once they are done with you, they will discard you. It won't matter the reason for the discard, either. Because in the Narc's twisted mind, it could be because they got bored, because of you getting too close to finding out the truth, or because you failed to continue to act the way they wanted you to. Or it could be for some other perceived slight. Have you been discarded by a Narcissist? Share your thoughts below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
17 Comments
Michelle
6/27/2016 03:24:14 pm
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Jenn
6/27/2016 04:04:46 pm
Michelle....Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I felt like I was reading about myself in your words. I felt exactly the same way. I'm sure you did everything right. But unfortunately, there was nothing more you could have done or said. His happiness is only fleeting. ...he will show his true self to her soon enough. Because, each person a Narc is with is just a source of supply to them. Once they get what they need, the person is discarded. Right now, he's lovebombing her to reel her in. You are an amazing person for opening up. That is an incredible first step toward healing. Way to go! I'll be thinking about you. Take care.
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Al
6/28/2016 12:03:49 am
That's exactly what it's designed to do! He is only as happy with her as he was with you in the initial love bombing phase. He will get bored of her too! You said you think he no longer cared about you!? I. A normal break up even if this was the case it never ends like this. So cold and final. They end it like this just to fuck with your mind so yippy can grovel and beg for another chance which feeds their God complex. They are sick!
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Jenn
6/28/2016 05:54:26 am
Al.....exactly. And even I need to keep that in mind as my NX lovebombs his NS. They're in the process of moving in together now too. You said a key phrase.....normal breakups. That's the difference here. Nothing about a Narc is normal. You are correct in that they are sick. The new supply will find out soon enough. Have you had a discard experience with a Narc? How did you get through it? Take care.
Michelle
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Linda
6/29/2016 11:57:33 pm
After 9 years of NARC abuse and the birth of my child- I decided enough was enough. I did not want my child to think that was OK behaviour. I left. The following 12 months was hell. Public ridicule, smearing his hatred for me online/face2face/in writing, attempting to take our child from me- only to find that there were a string of others along the 9 years that satisfied his need to control/conform and destroy.
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Jenn
6/30/2016 05:56:50 am
Linda....you sound like an amazingly strong woman. Kudos to you for being the one to discard the Narc! They typically don't like that. My guess is that's part of the reason your ex made things so bad in those 12 months. I am sure your child will have the amazing strong persona that you do. I will be thinking of you. Take care!
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Tracey
8/17/2016 03:27:15 am
This was so very relevant to me. I had been married for 20 years and there were awful ups and downs as you would be so aware, being married to a Narc (I didn't know the label then). On 10 March this year he walked out overnight on me and his two beautiful kids aged 14 and 18. He has hardly seen them since and he swore to me no one was involved despite me being so concerned. Just today I finally managed to access the phone records and he was having an affair with my ex best friend. The devastation is immense. After years of rage and gas lighting and drama - now this. Evil and malicious man.
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Jenn
8/17/2016 06:22:47 am
Tracey.....I am sorry that happened to you. Narcissists are known to lie about anything and everything. For him to lie about being with someone else is not a surprise. That's not to downplay the impact that it had on you. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I just know that Narcs don't care who they hurt. I hope you and your girls are on a path of healing now. It'll take time. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
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A year of heartbreak finally came to an end with the most disgusting discard. We had just spent a nice couple of days together, a day later he texted that if I wanted to continue seeing him, that he would need compensation. Then he proceeded to name his price. I am emotionally devastated and have no idea why this happened. Thanks to your site, I realize this person is mentally ill, unstable, and a danger to me. He is out of my life forever.
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Jenn
10/9/2016 02:42:47 pm
Anne......He asked for compensation? Wow. Just wow. Anyway, I am glad you found this site. Have you seen my Facebook page of the same name? Just click on the Facebook icon on the top of this page and like the page. There, I post more than just my blog posts. Any time you have questions, just reach out and comment on a blog, or comment on my posts on the Facebook page. Take care!
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Rhiannon Johnson
3/2/2017 01:15:29 am
I was in the psyche ward thanks to his abuse. I was working two jobs and expected to clean up the horrendous housing conditions. He kept asking when I was leaving. He ran off to his mom's taking my boys with him. In the psyche ward he told me he was cheating on me and wanted a divorce. Now he says it wasn't cheating because we were separated. Funny I never cheated on him. Now he wonders why I hate his whore and tend to run her off at events with my boys.
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Julianna
7/30/2017 10:54:52 am
Rhiannon......I am sorry that you endured what you have. Toxic people like Narcs aim to destroy us. They want to make us look like the crazy and unstable ones. I too spent a few days in the psych ward, and to this day (even many years later), he still brings up my stay in the ward and tells me how crazy I am. He conveniently leaves out the part where he attempted suicide and spend 2 days in the ward just 2 months before I was in the ward! Narcs tend to do that sort of thing. They make themselves look like the victims. I hope you are doing well. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Meg
9/21/2017 01:42:23 am
Discarded....I was the crazy one. Narc always 2 or 3 steps ahead of me, because of my mental illness - caused by the narc - lost a lot, a lot, narc is an atty. I quit my career to be with this, worst mistake of my life. Be careful what you wish for, be thankful making it through to a new and abundant life filled with hope, promise, and love.
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Tia
12/24/2017 11:47:24 am
I was with my narcissistic boyfriend for 16 yrs. All the emotional abuse I was going thru all makes sense to me now. Well lately we have been arguing damn near everyday since Thanksgiving. Well my mom passed away 2 yrs ago and we were really really close. I have siblings but we all kinda just went our own separate ways after the fact. I through myself into work. We eventually got a house together and was splitting the bills. Like I stated around Thanksgiving the arguments came more and more over petty stuff. I've been more outspoken and calling him out on his mess and I cursed him out and in return I get the silent treatment. Then leaves and stay gone still expects me to do his laundry or cook for him before he goes to work so slowly I began stopping because I wasnt happy and was getting fed up and so we get in a huge argument and I called him out some things he said...long story short he said I was lying as if I did hear what he said. He leaves as Im yelling...comes back in and says I will be in the process of moving out...I simply said...DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO...real calm...I didnt cry because at this point I have nothing left to cry about...it was coming to this. Christmas is the next day and bills are piling up and Im just like really at a time like this...how low down and trifling can a person be...but I am determined to bounce back. I feel numb but determined to go forward.
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Philip
2/26/2018 12:41:56 pm
My discard came when the ex got herself arrested, which made the process easy for me. Packed her stuff, and told her to find in the dumpster before it gets picked up. It is all conveniently contained in said dumpster, all she needs to do is load her car up.
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martha pugh
7/7/2018 10:18:25 am
I don't know what made me start reading about narcs-but the more I read the more I understand what is happening to me and it's keeping me strong-funny how once the "mask" is off they look so different-I kicked him out after finding him with another woman-I set boundaries-of course he hoovered me back but this time after reading I want the discard so I can go no contact-what I dont understand is why he stays at my house when he can stay at his moms house-there he wouldnt be held accountable,he could do what he wanted with his new supply freely and openly-I'm thankful for this site-I like being a warrior-him leaving on his own I would think would give him lots of power-
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