When you’ve made the decision to leave the Narcissist, there are barriers you may face when doing so. These obstacles can make it more difficult for your escape to be successful.
A blog I posted two weeks ago discussed the Dos And Don’ts Of Safely Leaving The Narcissist. While these are things that are to be heeded, it is also essential to be aware of the barriers you might face.
The Domestic Violence Prevention Centre of Queensland lists 8 obstacles a person can face when leaving an abusive situation. It’s an excellent list, one that I recommend that you pay close attention to. These are all barriers that I faced, and as such, I will use each of these barriers to describe what my situation was like when I was discarded. (Except for barriers 5 and 6.....I didn't face those like I did the other 6 barriers.)
1.Fear for safety
Even though I was the one who was discarded, I still feared for my safety. I didn’t know what he’d do if he still found me home after the two hour window he so generously gave me to pack my things. I feared that being discarded would have a detrimental effect on my health and well-being. (Which it ended up doing, by the way.)
2.Isolation from others
This was a big one. Narcissists aim to take you away from your entire support system. They can accomplish this little by little, or even all at once. They can drive wedges between family members and friends.
In the beginning, my NX had moved us about 3 hours away from my support system. It wasn’t enough. I could still escape to them, if need be. Nearly 2 years after that, we moved several thousand miles away. I was in a brand new state and I didn’t know anyone. A year after that, we moved again. A year after that, we moved yet again. This was his attempt to keep me away from the friends that I did make, and to continue to keep me away from family and friends in my homestate.
3.Pressures about the children
When I was discarded, my NX made it crystal clear that he would be seeking full legal custody because of MY abuse towards him. He had every reaction of mine documented with his chain of command, so it looked on paper as if I was the perpetrator. I had no resources to fight for custody. And even if I did, I feared that the “evidence” my NX had against me would have won over any judge. All I had going for me was my fear. Fear that my NX would continue to emotionally abuse me and the children.
4.Promises from your partner
After I was discarded, my NX promised that if I “got better,” that he would grant me more access to the children. He held steadfast to the one-time diagnosis that I was given – Borderline Personality Disorder. This diagnosis came from a doctor I had seen ONE time for a mere 30 minutes!
He had also made countless promises that he would be civil “for the sake of the children.” Promises like that one never last long. They always revert back to what they really are. (Oh, they’ll put on a show for everyone else that they’re the civil ones, while pointing out to those people that you are the unstable one and the one who can’t work things out for the sake of the children.)
5.Pressures from cultural or religious communities
I actually did not have a problem in this area. We never belonged to a religious entity (like a church or synagogue), so I never was on the receiving end of pressure in this area. I do know though that many Catholic churches discourage divorce, and advocate for working it out. I remember when I married my first husband, I had to attend a Pre-Cana class that heavily advocated communication skills to keep the marriage alive.
6.Pressure from family and friends to stay
Again, I didn’t really have a problem in this area, either. In fact, I had several people telling me to leave him much earlier than when I was discarded. The NX and I were separated for a few months in the latter half of 2007 to early 2008, and a few people during that time frame had insisted that I stay away. I even had initiated the divorce process! But the NX aggressively hoovered me towards the end of 2007. I ended up freezing the divorce process and going back to my NX in early 2008.
Other than being forced to leave my children, my biggest concern was being able to support myself financially AND still be able to pay child support. I was able to work part time, but that ended after a few months. Luckily, I was able to find 2 more part time retail jobs. They were both seasonal positions, one of which kept me on after the season “ended.” I was grateful. But even with a small income, I still had extreme fears of how to afford my obligations. I had to choose food, rent, child support and my phone bill. My credit card bills fell to the wayside.
Oh this was a big one for me. Because of all the legal trouble I landed in because of my NX, I was beyond fearful that restriction upon restriction would be placed upon me when I did visit with my children. In the months before I was discarded, I had a child protective services order placed on me. My visits with the children were to be supervised! Because I moved out of state when the NX discarded me, the CPS case was dropped.
You see, it doesn’t matter if you are the one to leave or if the Narcissist discards you. These fears are very real. We feel these fears because we know of no other way to survive. All we knew was the hell we lived in. The fear of the unknown can be extremely damaging to our overall well-being.
What has been your experience with these barriers? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
Like the FFNAEA Facebook page by clicking the icon below!
Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you!
The Top 10
Here you will find my most popular posts for easier discovery.
How Narcissists Make Sure You Never Solve Problems In A Relationship
The Fake Apology
How I Lost My Identity
Effects of Emotional Abuse
Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
Tightening Your Facebook Privacy Settings
Why You Should Never Defend Yourself Against The Narcissist's Smear Campaign
Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do
An Open Letter To All Survivors Who Just Got Out Of An Abusive Situation
The Great Manipulator
©2016-2018. Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material (in full or in part) without the express written consent of this blog's author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse with a link back to the original content.
The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.