I have asked myself that question numerous times. They plot. They scheme. They smear our good name. They destroy our spirit. They want to see us fall. They want to see us “lose it” so that they can point the fingers and say we’re the unstable ones. Why do they do this? Why do Narcissists hate us so much?
I think it’s because I had this question in my own mind that I had to write this blog. I keep asking myself that question in regards to my NX. Why does he do such evil things? Why does he say such mean-spirited things? Why can’t he just leave me alone?
In order to answer that question, I had to look at who and what Narcissists are. One of their main traits is that they are jealous. Plain and simple jealousy. But why? Narcissists are jealous because any time a target/victim has any kind of success, they quickly turn on their jealousy button. They can’t stand to see anyone else in the spotlight or receive recognition for anything. The reasons for their jealousy are threefold: 1. They resent you. Narcissists cannot stand when someone else gets the recognition. They think they should have gotten that recognition or accolade. They think they are entitled to it! (After all, a high sense of entitlement is at the core of what a Narcissist is.) 2. They might look bad. Narcissists think that if you receive an award or some other kind of recognition, that it will make them look bad. They have a strong desire to always be better than everyone else, so if you have any kind of success or happiness, they will strive to be better than you. They will want to appear as if they are happier than you, or more successful. They might say things like, “Oh me and (the NS) bought a new home” or “I’m so in love with (the NS) because she (or he) helps make me be a better person.” Let’s get this straight – the Narcissist is NOT happier than you. That happiness is a façade that will soon crumble. 3. They think you don’t deserve the success or happiness that you do get. This connects with the first reason. Narcissists get jealous of you because of your success. They feel that your success or happiness came too easily for you. Like it got handed to you on a silver platter. They scoff at your success because they think that you don’t have what it takes to succeed. That you aren’t smart enough or have enough education to rise up and be truly successful in life. They feel they do though! They think they are the ones who have the right stuff. The above three reasons for their jealousy all stem from the fact that the Narcissists can’t stand to see anyone in the spotlight. Since they feel they are superior to everyone else, they feel they are more deserving of the success. If someone pays you a compliment, the Narcissists have to verbally beat you down to make you feel worthless and undesired. They feel justified for “putting you in your place.” “See, in the beginning, the narcissist will love you. You are still ‘bamboozled’ by his or her fake charm, and he or she loves the ‘positive’ reflection back to them that rebounds off you. However, once you see the truth, once you see the stony-ice of his or her heart, the narcissist will hate you. You reflect the truth – the negative image – back to them, and this they do not want to see. The narcissist cannot handle the truth because his or her whole entire entity relies on keeping the lie alive. The truth will not set the narcissist free, it will kill them by destroying their image. (To the narcissist, their image is who they are. If you destroy the image, you destroy the man or woman.)”
Bottom line
You cannot control what the Narcissists say or do. You can only control yourself and your reactions. The Narcissists will bring out their hatred for you with full force. They will declare all out war on you and do what they can to bring you down. They need to see you defeated and feeling worthless. When they bring out their jealousy and show their hatred for you – and they will show their hatred – just do what I do. Ignore them. There’s nothing you can do anyway. You won’t win with them. Nothing you do or don’t do will ever please them. So don’t even try. Just go about living your life and be awesome. How have you dealt with the Narcissist hating you? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
28 Comments
Mrs Vain
3/5/2017 09:40:18 am
THANK YOU! You have no idea how much i need this right now. I was feeling sorry for myself since my exhusband seems like he is head over heels in love with the chick he left me for. One of his flying monkeys stopped by while i was working outside and made sure i knew how he is so in love with this thing. .. . And her words wounded me deeply.. ..
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Jenn
3/5/2017 10:05:43 am
Mrs......I am sorry you are going through that. What the flying monkey did is called triangulation.....using a third party to abuse you. It's also called abuse by proxy. They do it to keep us continually rattled, to keep tearing us down, to keep making us question ourselves. Hang in there.
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Carol
3/8/2018 08:13:51 pm
Me too Jenn my Narc husband is crazy to say the least! It all started when I served him divorce papers at work, he went BALLISTIC. Had me arrested, thrown out of my home, restraining order to protect his new SUPPLY and changed all the door locks. My kids are petrified, he abandoned our dog and every chance he gets another arrest. He’s insane and so scary if my lawyer is shocked.
Den
11/22/2017 03:28:05 am
You should pity the poor girl
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carol
5/5/2018 01:25:49 pm
I don’t pity this SLUT she knew full well he was married although I don’t blame her, it takes two he is ruthless and broke!
Andrea Hobkirk
2/11/2018 12:23:23 am
Thanks for writing this. My stbx is a sociopathic narcissist. He tries to friend anyone I know. He cannot stand that I have so many friends. He's angry w/ me. He's a bad person. I cannot wait to be divorced. He will go to great lengths to get close to anyone I love
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Ms. V
4/4/2018 10:11:23 pm
Omfg I have a book to write about narcassist .I am currently still with NB (NARCASSIST BOYFRIEND ) whheeeeeww...where should I begin..
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Carol
5/5/2018 01:31:10 pm
Yikes my dear “GET OUT” now this guy is a psycho like my ex husband you can help and love his mother from afar!
Michelle Fraser
5/21/2018 04:16:34 pm
I have been dealing with the same thing for 10 years because of my financial situation. Mine in the past ended up in jail for a year or two at the time and I got the nice house all by myself ( and doggies) and it was great. The day they put the handcuffs I feel a ton of bricks removed off my back and so relieved. Afterall he won't be out running around disrespecting me then or home wreaking havoc so I really NEVER cared after a while. Now after 10 years and just last week him saying plan a trip were going to the beach for a week, now tells me I'm fat, ugly, stupid and he's been placating me for ten years that he truly hates me. Sorry I made a bad choice ten years ago. Im getting it together somehow and getting out of here. His abuse mentally and physically is over. Im not needy enough to make him feel superior enough is the real truth. MY ADVICE TO YOU IS PLEASE GET OUT OF THERE, IT WILL NOT IN ANYWAY GET BETTER!! ONLY WORSE, YOUR SPIRIT WILL DIE EVENTUALLY IF YOU STAY THERE. If you want to be miserable for the rest of your life and walk on egg shells stay but it will kill your heart and soul. You can call me anytime 470-778-6194 I'm great at giving advice just not taking it.
AJ
4/19/2018 09:29:09 pm
Don't hate the new woman. He's showing HER the man YOU fell in love with! Change WILL come. She's in for the SAME FALL you took! Feel sorry for her...God bless...
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Carol
5/5/2018 01:32:55 pm
Agreed even though the tramp my ex husband is living with now knew full well he was married I blame HIM 200%! He never once came to me to talk like adults about any issues he was concerned about!
miss awesome
5/15/2020 04:51:41 pm
I was married 17 years with 3 sons and I lived with a narcissist. Of course I didn't see it at first. He had an affair last year and continues the relationship. I was in a very bad place as he put me down so much as well as abusive. Everything was always my fault. I became a shadow of myself. I decided after 4 months of mourning and almost ending up in hospital due to being unable to eat I decided to turn my life around. I am now travelling the world for work and have been to places many people only dream about. I've never received an apology only an email to tell me he hates that I'm living my best life. My children and I are extremely close and they have been my rock. Lucky for me they are grown now and I am still young enough to pursue my dreams. Life is definitely better once I left, and never in a million years would I have thought I'd be where I am today. My only regret is not leaving sooner.
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Ms Anonymous
8/10/2017 10:22:56 am
My husband and I were going to get a divorce but it never went through. He premeditated and planned the nightmare you never wish upon anyone. He made a video of his short journey cross country . He shut all family and friends down from his Facebook and cell phone for one week. He skipped out of work which was not like him. For over a decade in the marriage he threatened leaving me or wanting to divorce me and I was the one that kept wanting the marriage saved. I finally came to terms to myself this year that I can either continue being in this miserable marriage or finally be FREE to live a happy life without being ridiculed, mocked or belittled by everything he believes is not to his standards that is NOT communicated to me.
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L
9/8/2017 02:57:43 pm
Narcissists are full of self and other hatred because they were brought up by parents who were Cluster Bs themselves. The personality of any narcissist is stunted and thwarted by his own hate-filled parents.
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Carol
3/8/2018 09:23:25 pm
This is my ex Narc to a tee his parents especially his mother full of hatred that’s part of the reason I divorced him I couldn’t stand the ugly bitch any longer. 24 years of backstabbing, rude comments, bossy, nothing ever good enough for this hag and a total “CHEAP” skate I was done! I just turned 50 and I’m determined that the next half of my life will be narcissistically FREE!
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Carol
5/5/2018 01:34:54 pm
Agreed and my ex narc husbands mother is also a psycho Narc and filled with hatred!👍
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N
9/11/2017 12:17:57 pm
I am going through well right now. Can someone please explain how or why they can from being so abusive one minute to suddenly suffering from memory relapse and wanting you again. And the cycle keeps repeating over and over? I am in therapy because the last year has nearly destroyed me. I feel physically and.emotionally raped that I will never go back to who I was nor will I trust again.
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Andrea
2/11/2018 12:26:48 am
It's called toxic amnesia
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S
10/6/2017 11:28:50 am
He even lied about the end of his previous relationship. With the mother of his child. He sayed he did porno shoots when he was 20,it was 2015/16.i found out after when I found out he started an escort service. I found out about the gang bangs. Months later he was bk to 'rectify thing'. So I did say I knew. He denied. I answer, mate it s on your tweet account. Account locked silent treatment bk. Then he sent a picture of his broken leg suggesting I might get a kick out of it. I won t bore u with the rest. Point is knowing I could have never satisfy him in bed left me humiliated and worthless. I came to accept my luck of skills if you like, I don t date I don t have sex. I don t buy anything pretty cause I wander why wasting time. Not like I can look better. I stay at home, alone as much as I can. I don t want to talk. I sit there for hours. Without even thinking, just being. Just empty soul. Ashamed and curled in to a bowl. I don t even want to move forward. I just want to remain like this cause it doesn't quite hurt. Just exist. No emotions nothing is the best I can get. I m OK with that. With my luck of skills.my worthlessness
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TBH the thing about this is that due to the fundemntal nature of narcissim it is EXTREMELY EXTREMElY HARD TO AVOID your nature if you spent most of your child life in a state of constant stress that you can't emotionaally heal from because everyone is out to get to you in that situation it's not like there is an alternative scenerario after puberty starts narcissim is set regardless of the persons desires/ Hell I actively sabatoge my self in the long run to prevent me from being a narcissist but all I do is get more and more fo that social stigma till no one can trust me because they can't handle the truth.PURE NARCISSIM IS BREED BY A LACK OF ATTENTION TO OTHER people. It's a fundemntal thing about narcissm it's amlost impossible to avoid you could spend the ntire time
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J
10/23/2017 04:24:25 am
You seem like a very bright individual. The biggest irony in this "war" on narcissism is that the attackers are most likely hurt narcissists themselves. Using a buzzword to vilify a select group. I dont deny or lessen anyones strife. The things they have suffered whether it be war or abuse of someone you thiught yo loved they have become damaged in the process. Perhaps even to go as far as to play the victim card. In the end they may not even realize it but we are all prone to egotistical and narcissistic states of mind. This attack on narcissism is its own fatal flaw. The victims of an abusive relationship who are lashing out. Don't feel bad its the flaw in all humans. Yes we all have different brains and this is a constant pain having all our struggles compared with no real understanding of another persons life. This world is screwed up and society is so stuck in its ways they cant bare to open their eyes. Welcome to the suffering they still believe they are the "victims" in a war against narcissists while not ever realizing the hypocrisy in playing the victim is merely fueling their own indifference to the struggles of others. Basically its a group of hurt people who couldnt handle being hurt so they hurt others. People with emotional and mental scars are the easy targets and the least understood. Its like fighting an uphill battle. Nobody is safe we are all to blame. Organizing against narcissism is narcissistic when you realize you're doing it to better your own agendas. Thus a hypocrite is made who is too focused on themselves to even realize theyre following their own ego. Theyre battling themselves while blindly hurting people who suffer from mental illness. If you havent noticed this rejection is surprisingly more common than you think. Even with people organizing in groups its the breakdown of society when they attack people. And yes even with autism you are still a person. Youre just not broken and blinded by ego. Its societal rejection by the real narcissists who manipulated the situation. They just use labels and words to describe what they cant handle to understand. An injured animal will always bite anyone who tries to help.
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S
10/23/2017 10:52:38 am
In response to J, nothing justify any form of abuse on others.being crushed by a narcissist it s like the death of your soul. And if they can t take responsibility for their own state of mind and actions then they are just cowards. We all have our scars, not all us punish people randomly just to heal them. That s not luck of acknowledgement towards mental illness. If anything I looked at it right in the eye. But it s not excuse if you choose wrong over right. Choose. That s key.
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Tim
12/30/2017 12:50:30 pm
My father is one, as is my brother. I confronted them and both have set out to destroy me. I cannot go to family functions anymore, most believe them and not me, I am the crazy one who lies. I am tired of a lifetime of name calling.
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Maria
2/9/2018 04:12:11 am
I just felt like he hated me he just seemed so jealous of me. I have a lot going for myself and I'm beautiful. I can feel the hate sometimes just by being around him. I also knew that he hated me by the things he would say to me, he would say things that would hurt me like your stupid or u don't interest me. One time I had a few drinks and we were in his car in the parking lot in his apartment complex and he knows when I drink I always have to use the bathroom and so as I always do when I'm drinking I ask to use his bathroom he look dead at me and told me No!! that I couldn't!! he then preceded to tell to go to the gas station and used the bathroom that hurt me so bad I had went over that night to confront him for discarding me. I didn't know what that was at the time but I do now!! So painful!!
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Natesha
5/31/2018 10:41:46 am
I have been dealing with a Narcissist for over a decade now but is just realizing who I’m dealing with. One of the questions i have in my quest to find out about the disturbing disorder is do Narcissist display their characteristics in all of their romantic relationships? Or, do they only pick certain people to be this way to? I ask this because i was talking to a friend of mine that knows my Narcissist and his ex girlfriend, she couldn’t recall that he ever treated her that way. She also said that she felt as if he wasn’t jealous of her either because her job was less than his. I make more than him and I’m just wondering do they pick and choose who they display these awful characteristics to? I hope I’m making sense.
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Hope
6/13/2018 07:17:04 pm
My narc was a colleague. We used to be best friends. Until i felt uneasy around him, and finally realize who he was. I think he knew that i knew the real him. Then he did the silent treatment, made my work life like hell. I decided quit.
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Bill
11/21/2019 09:42:49 am
I too have this problem. At this point I'm not sure whether she is a marcy or if she really loves and cant deal with it. See, I'm married she isn't and although I realize how wrong it is to feel this way I do. I guess stuff happens. We never crossed the line of sex or anything but we were, I think, emotionally connected. We had hage fight where she said she can turn off her feelings like a switch, this after saying a week previously that her feelings for me had crossed the line as well. After the fight two weeks ago we still haven't talked and naturally I'm trying to figure it all out. Part of me thinks she is marcy, the other part of me believes she does have feelings for me but a time we cant go there. If it's the latter i must admit i honor her for understanding the situation as it is now, if she is truly a marcy i pity her. When she sees me talking to other women who she normally talks to also, she wont talk to them afterwords, it's a jealousy thing imho. So what say you?
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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