One of the most detrimental trademarks of Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse is psychological and emotional invalidation. Narcissists pull this tactic out of their arsenal to ultimately destroy their victims’ self-worth and self-esteem.
Invalidation by definition
According to Out of the Fog, invalidation is defined as “The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.” What Narcissists are actually doing when they invalidate you is inadvertently telling you that your ideas, thoughts and feelings are wrong. That you have no right to feel the way you do, or have the opinions that you do. Your views and feelings don’t count for anything in the Narcissists’ eyes. Why it's so insidious Psychological and emotional invalidation is so insidious because it occurs over a period of time. It’s a subtle form of abuse. Narcissists don’t want you to know that they are using this tactic on you. You may feel like something is wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. So often, I would walk away crying from an argument with my NX not even really knowing what happened. All I knew is I felt like I wasn’t being heard. Sometimes, I had to scream louder than him just to literally be heard! But all that did was make him scream louder. He once screamed so loudly in my ear that it was ringing for two days afterwards! It’s so insidious because the Narcissist will toss out simple harsh statements like “Oh grow up” or “Stop being such a crybaby” – two statements that my NX loved to use with me. It is telling us that our feelings don’t matter. I remember when I was very pregnant with my daughter and I was mixing myself some chocolate milk. The glass literally broke as I was mixing it. Chocolate milk spilled all over the counter and onto the floor. I actually cried over spilled milk. My NX dismissed my very real emotion and told me that I was silly for crying over a glass of chocolate milk, and just to make myself another glass. Not only would my NX tell me my emotions were wrong, he’d then go ahead and tell me what he thought I was feeling and even how I should really be feeling. Or, he’d totally ignore me, which was a complete dismissal because it told me that my feelings weren’t important enough to address appropriately. A basic need We all have a basic human need to feel validated, that our thoughts and feelings matter. When that isn’t met, we are often left feeling dismissed, unloved, unappreciated, devalued, rejected, and a host of other emotions. My NX was keen on asking me for my thoughts or opinions on different things – where we should go for dinner, where we should buy a new couch or a new vacuum, or what I thought about the new movie that was released in theaters. But almost as soon as I opened my mouth to voice my thought on the matter, he’d interrupt and announce we were doing what he felt should be done. Well, why ask me in the first place what I thought? That’s because the Narcissist wants you to think you matter. But all it will do is tear you down little by little. I felt like I had no voice in anything. And god forbid I voice my opinion when he didn’t ask for it! Lack of attachment Narcissists cannot and will not ever be able to emotionally attach to another person. They are incapable of true emotional connections. This says nothing about who you are as a person. It is all on the Narcissists. Ok, so what about the beginning of the relationship? They validated you then, right? Yes and no. The Narcissists were in the throes of lovebombing you. Of course they met your emotional needs! They needed you to fall in love. They needed to have you quickly become attached to them. So when they seemed to meet our emotional needs, of course we felt loved, validated, appreciated, understood, and valued. By mirroring our emotions, our likes and dislikes, and our views, they get us hooked. Once you became attached and in love, they changed course. They began to devalue us. That is their lack of attachment. Narcissists don’t ever truly attach to anyone romantically because that would show a vulnerable and human aspect. They can’t have that because they need to feel superior to you and others. On the flip side On the opposite side of the coin is true validation. A healthy relationship will always have validation. Your partner will want to know what you think and feel. Your partner will not only say he or she appreciates you, but they will show it, too. Your partner will love and value you. When I began dating my now-husband, it shocked me when he really wanted to know what I think and feel. To say to me that I matter to him. To have him ask me my opinion on something and then actually listen! I was blown away by this new-found validation. So much so, that when it came time for our wedding, I wrote my own vows and included in my vows how incredible it made me feel that I had finally found someone to validate my thoughts and feelings. Bottom line When you are being psychologically and emotionally invalidated, your emotional needs are not being met. Did the Narcissist in your life invalidate you? How did it make you feel? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
8 Comments
Ilene
1/15/2017 03:15:01 pm
EVERY DAY he invalidated me. He told me I had good ideas, but if I gave my opinion, he would roll his eyes or act as if tolerating my presence was uncalled for. If I shared my feelings, he was normally silent. Sometimes he'd give me a pat on the shoulder if felt bad. Almost like he was consoling a stranger (though he would have been nicer to the stranger). If I shared something that had upset me he'd say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If I challenged anything he did or pointed out any flaw, he would go silent for days or turn it back on me. Sometimes he'd ask where I wanted to eat and then complain about it the rest of the night. I started to say that we could eat wherever he wanted, then he complained that I was indecisive. My fears were unwarranted, my worries not worth his time, my hopes not in line with his plans, my ideas something he wouldn't dare accept as worthy, and any knowledge I had wasn't needed by him. Of all of the aspects of NPD that I endured from him, I think this was the worst. I knew he lied and accepted it. I'd even resolved myself to his constant stream of other women. I accepted that he was so good to everyone but me. But this treating me as if I'm not a person, not human, not worth his time has been the thing I most struggle coming to terms with. Especially because he spoke to everyone else as if I was his greatest joy and he couldn't do without me. I'm so glad to be out from under that confusion.
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Jenn
1/18/2017 06:18:10 am
Ilene.......Wow it's freaky that this sounds exactly like my NX. It's like Narcs all learn from the same playbook or something. I am sorry that you endured all of that.
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Annonymouse
3/15/2018 10:05:18 pm
It made me feel like I am
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Lisa
5/10/2018 03:15:29 am
Unbelievably spot on! The article and the comments below! Ladies wish you lots of strength! Reading all this was like reading my own story! At first I couldn't quite understand what was being done to me, just that feeling of uneasiness after every conversation, and later psychosomatic stomach pain!
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Mindy
1/15/2017 05:10:07 pm
I actually had my husband's family members swoop in after my husband died and do this to me over the course of eight years. You know: Love bombing for the first few years, then came the devalue, discard, hoover stages, all the while pecking away at my self-esteem, lowering the quality of my accomplishments, triangulation and deliberately leaving me out of get togethers, then making sure I knew they all had a great time...without me. My husband, who was such a good and loving man, never liked them, and for good reason. (There are a few family members that are nice, but they enable the behavior...look on while I am treated poorly, and do nothing to stop it). It's as though he was protecting me from them. My stepdaughter and one nephew are the worst: a dangerous Narcopath, of the highest degree. She has a bevy of Flying Monkeys surrounding her self-centered demanding persona. It's laughable how they fawn over her every request because they don't want her mad at them. After being devalued over the course of three years, feeling unaccepted, unloved, invisible, anxious and depressed, and not knowing why, I started reading about this: Anti-social Personality Disorders, Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Family Scapegoating. And then it hit me! It wasn't anything I was doing that was making me depressed, it was them. My own family. My husband's whole side of the family would treat each other with love, acceptance and adoration, but not me. It was as though they wanted me to watch how they loved each other and wanted to be around each other, but not be allowed to receive it myself. I was an outsider looking in and they made sure I felt that way any chance they could. It was horrible. Or one of them would make fun of me or my actions, while they would all laugh, right in front of me! Derision, manipulation, ignoring me when I speak. One time, my nephew came to visit me. He hardly spoke to me at all. So I did all the talking, trying to cheer him up or engage him. Nothing. Dead silence behind sunglasses. How weird is that? The next day, when others came to meet up with us, he sat there and made exaggerated fun of how I "chattered at him all day!" They set you up then make fun of your actions, just to peck away at your self-esteem. How sick is that? Horrible things to do to another human being. And they all did it! I'd stand there and watch them all, as though in a bubble, and they did it to me on purpose! I finally had enough. After reading tons of books and articles on the subject, and identifying family members who fit the mold, I set up a weekend with my two nephews to see what happened. Well, I wasn't disappointed. Sure enough, my one nephew (the Narcopath) went through a whole day of deliberate psychopathic devaluing, gobblety gook word salad, nutso weirdness and by the end of the night, became very threatening towards me, as though he hated me so much, he wanted to kill me. I realized I was right about him and had to cut him out immediately. I wish I could have filmed it to show others what it looks like...their face is different, their body morphs, their actions are sharp and chaotic. It's an actual, as close as you'll ever get, look into their Real Self: Dangerous, unpredictable, scattered thoughts and actions. Insane. All this while my other nephew (the silent sunglass wearing one) watched. He never stood up for me because he is a narcissist himself (lesser version than the Narcopath). I realized I was in a nest of them and had been made the scapegoat of the family. Once I realized none of them would ever change, that they would never love me as my husband had. That they were not normal and were a threat to me, I left. Didn't bat an eye. Went complete No Contact. Cold Turkey. And right before the holiday's when I knew they would all be looking forward to treating me horribly again. Oh boy, did that shake the Family Dynanic! I did the last thing they expected, realizing I could do any damned thing I wanted to in life. I sure didn't need their permission anymore.The anxiety, the sadness for no reason, the need to please others over myself...it's all gone! I now have my courage, self-confidence and happiness back. Wiser and with boundaries. And, I've embraced God again, originally blaming Him for taking my husband and making my life so unhappy. When I realized it was my husband's FAMILY that were deliberately making me unhappy! Who could do such a thing? A disfunctional family, that's who. Jealous people who don't know how to love unconditionally. Feeding off each other, pretending to be wonderful, while putting all their self-hate and shame onto me. Well, they'll have to find someone else to do it to. Because I'm gone and oh so happy for it! I am still healing from the decades of betrayal (thinking of how close we all supposedly became and realizing it was all fake, designed to ruin my strength and happiness). I am having trust issues. And I don't have anyone in my life now. The Narcopath's have gone on th
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Jenn
1/18/2017 06:24:54 am
Mindy.......I am so sorry that you endured all of that. The pecking and laughing sounds so familiar. It's like something my NXMIL and ex-FIL and my NX did to me just 3 weeks after my daughter was born......it was the first time she was to take a dip in the baby pool, so I put her in her cute little swimsuit. Well, I was a new mother.....I didn't know I was to put a diaper on her underneath the swimsuit. My kiddo "went" inside her swimsuit and everyone laughed at me. Anyway, it's going to take time to heal. Those trust issues you're having will slowly subside. You'll find ways to let people in again. But in the meantime, be kind to yourself during your healing journey. What the Narcs and other disordered people do to us packs a wallop! Hang in there. If you haven't already, come on over to my FB fan page of this same name....just click on the "F" icon on the top of this page. Take care.
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Lauren
5/9/2018 01:19:17 am
*hugs*
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Nana
6/29/2017 09:18:50 pm
Ladies, I lived with my ex six years. A true N. He ripped my self worth self esteem confidence out of my life. Left me with a horrible feeling of almost hate for myself, as I was left feeling I allowed him to devalue me in such a manner I felt like the unwanted dog.He hired prostitutes, had hook ups in his truck with women he met at a bar two blocks from my home , the cheated was endless. This all of course while invalidated me and verbally abusing me. Please if you are in a relationship like this, end it!!!! It can get even dangerous. You might think it is far fetched. Honestly it is not!!! A few months before my ex ( while living in my home) told me he was going to start dating and left for a weekend in a resort. He took me to a canyon 5 hours away and when we arrived at the top of the hike he insisted I came to the edge to look at the beautiful scenery. Something just didn't feel right, I love to hike to see nature and i would have done so. But this particular day his invitation made me cringe for no reason. Well... What followed shocked me.... as soon as I refused, he looked at me straight in the eye and said... this would be a great place to get rid of someone, no one would ever suspect. I am sure to this day that if i had stepped forward, he would have pushed me. I am not denying he still had the opportunity to pick me up and just through me, honestly I think he just couldn't do it. I'm lucky to have not got close and to turn around and start walking towards the car. After that he remained silent for hours until dinner, where he was just acting furious for no reason. I truly believe some of these men can be dangerous. The nicer you are, the more you show kindness or sweetness, the more they hate you. Today, it's been six months and its very irrational but i feet lonely and empty. I agree that the are unattached emotionally and they only see you as an object or servant they can benefit from. In my case, it was my house and the appearance of having a good intelligent woman by his side. It was all a show for his family. They can never ever care about you.
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