A Narcissistic abuser will use whatever tactics they must to gain the upper hand. There are so many abuse tactics and techniques, but when you break down a Narc's abuse into its simplest form, it is all about power and control. The Narc needs to feel all powerful and better than you.
I first learned about the Power and Control wheel from a women's shelter near where I lived after my NX discarded me in May 2010. The Power and Control wheel was developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs (DAIP) in 1984 as a way to assist domestic violence victims (mainly women at that time).
Each "spoke" on the wheel represents different abuse tactics that the Narc abuser will utilize. When I was handed a printout of the wheel, I audibly gasped as I read through each "spoke" and its description. For example, while my NX used all of the spokes, the two spokes he used the most often were the emotional abuse and minimizing/denying/blaming spokes.
I can't tell you how many times he would call me names (like fat, crazy, and lazy). Part of the time we were together, I was a stay at home mom. So not only did I take care of our young daughter, but I took the opportunity to also clean and do laundry. He'd come home and say, "What did you do all day? Sit on your fat ass all day and eat bon-bons?" Even when I had gotten a full time job, I would still drop the children off and pick them up from daycare, clean the house, do laundry. He was military, so he would come home, and promptly strip down and dump his uniform in the living room. Countless times I would protest, saying can't he put things in the laundry basket. And countless times, he'd tell me how hard HE worked all day and all he wanted to do was come home and relax without having me bitch at him. As I briefly mentioned in My Story, my NX would humiliate me in front of his military buddies. He HAD to look macho and "in control" of his woman. I'd be the butt of some lame joke, and his buddies would laugh. I'd protest and he'd simply say, "Geez, you're so sensitive. Lighten up." The minimizing/denying/blaming spoke was used quite often, too. I lost count of how many times he would make light of the abuse (minimize), or would just outright deny it ever happened. The times that he DID acknowledge the abuse, he'd blame me. He'd say, "Well, I wouldn't have had to do X, if you hadn't done X." Or he'd say, "If you only did what I told you to, then I wouldn't have had to do X." Learning about the Power and Control wheel really opened my eyes to what I had experienced. It allowed me to really see the abuse for what it was. Did you notice any of the above Power and Control tactics in your relationship? Share below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories.
5 Comments
Sally
6/6/2016 02:27:28 am
Made me so sad. I have literally only just realised my children and I gave been being emotionally abused for years. I am now seeking to educate myself and work our how to move forward without losing my optimistic attitude to life. I feel beaten and still have custody issues and domestic violence orders in process. I have just signed up to get help from a domestic violence service for the girls and I. Your posts (and I just read every single one) have resonated in my soul. I was blind but I see clearly now. The blame and shame I have bestowed upon myself for the problems in our relationship are gradually being replaced with knowledge and certainty that I was a victim and I can recover and go onto to find a person who will love me and respect me. Thank you for your fantastic blogs.
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Jenn
6/6/2016 08:08:11 am
Sally.....I appreciate your kind words. I am glad you have taken steps to safeguard yourself and your children. That's the toughest part.....taking that first step. Gaining knowledge is an important role in your healing. I've been away from my NX for 6 years now, and I'm not completely healed. It's an ongoing process. You'll feel great some days, and other days you'll feel like you took 5 steps back. It's ok. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Lori Dowell
2/21/2017 03:09:19 am
My narc ex was military too. I can't tell you the number of times I excused his behavior with...he works so hard at his job that he just doesn't have the time or energy for us when he comes home. It is a lousy thing to have to tell your children that because their father won't do anything...and I mean anything...with them! By the time we had been married 15 or so years he had literally sucked the life , motivation, desire, etc out of me. I became very ill and he punished me every day for that. He finally had an affair...probably not his first...when my mom was extremely ill and getting ready to have brain surgery. He claimed he was he had found someone else because I was no longer there for him. I had spent 20 years of my life giving up homes, friends, jobs, churches, my children's schools, etc for him. It has been 7 years and I still have not gotten an apology for him destroying our family. He did everything he could to make me think I was crazy and his affair was "just friends". Tried to convince our families that I was crazy... I am so glad that he is no longer a part of my life! I still have to deal with him once a month when he gets our daughter for visitation. But, even then I tell her goodbye from behind our front door and then watch her leave and wave to her from our kitchen window. I could go on for hours writing about this... But the good news is, I am finally starting to feel like the "real me" again! Thank you for your articles...they have helped me so very much!
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Jenn
2/26/2017 06:47:53 pm
Lori.......I am sorry for what you endured. Your story sounds much like mine.I excused my NX's behavior too. He sucked the life out of me too. That's the thing with Narcissists.......they all seem to leave us survivors with such similar feelings. Like they all took the same "How to be a Narc" class or something. Narcs also never truly apologize, either. They also do what they can to make us look like the crazy and unstable ones. I am glad you are on a healing path and beginning to feel like the real you again. That's super to hear. If you haven't already, stay in touch by liking my Facebook page of this same name....just click the "F" icon at the top of this page. I post lots of informative stuff there too. Take care.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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