I get it. Your love for the Narcissist was so real. You were sure the Narcissist felt the same way, too. Unfortunately, Narcissists cannot and do not love anyone. Their love was not real. It was all fake. They built their “love” under a fake persona. Their false self.
One of the final blows to my fantasy of “does he love me” came the day he came home from deployment. I remember standing there among the several hundred family members waiting for the buses to pull up. I remember shedding a few tears when I saw the white buses begin to come into view. I remember telling my daughter, “Here comes Daddy.” I remember feeling so much love and pride.
But that love and pride didn’t last long. Just moments after my NX came into view and he started to come towards my children and I, the first thing he did was bend down and hug my daughter first. That should have given me a clue. But I brushed it off, figuring that he just missed my daughter. I reached to hug him and he snapped at me saying, “Ugh, just wait until we get home.” Then he noticed the hot chocolate stain on the stroller my son was in. I got yelled at for that. In public. The fake persona Narcissists hide their true selves by creating a fake persona. This false self is what everyone sees. They see the charming, loving, helpful person. They see the family man (or family woman). They see someone who gives people chances. They see success. Narcissists can turn on this fake persona the way people turn on a faucet. They could be degrading you one minute, but the moment someone else walks into earshot, it’s like a switch is flipped and the Narcissist becomes “Mr. Nice Guy” or “Miss Nice Girl.” This fake persona is used to climb that proverbial corporate ladder. They schmooze with people in high places because they feel there are entitled to receive all the accolades. “The False Self is everything the narcissist would like to be but, alas, cannot: omnipotent, omniscient, invulnerable, impregnable, brilliant, perfect, in short: godlike. Its most important role is to elicit narcissistic supply from others: admiration, adulation, awe, obedience, and, in general: unceasing attention.”
But if their love was fake, does that mean mine was too?
In a word, no. Your love was not fake. Your love was real. You were led down the primrose path and fell into what you thought was loving the perfect mate. I get it. I was duped into believing I had found my Prince Charming. I can truly understand your confusion! That’s what Narcissists do. They choose those who will be a challenge to “take down” and destroy. They seek us out! In an odd way, I feel flattered that he thinks I was worth choosing. He saw in me what he does not and will never have – compassion, love, strength, determination, worth, confidence. You name it. Bottom line The key thing to remember is that Narcissists do not have empathy or remorse. So don’t try to “appeal to their better nature.” I wasted so much time trying to appeal to his “senses” and get back into his good graces by doing whatever it took. That included sometimes even compromising my beliefs and my esteem to keep the peace. When you are interacting with Narcissists, keep in mind that you are dealing with this fake persona. Their false self. They have learned (and learned well) to mimic others’ reactions to typical normal responses. They say what they think you want to hear. What are your thoughts on a Narcissist's fake persona? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
8 Comments
Jenny
2/12/2017 11:33:01 am
This is such a spot-on post. I never realized my NX's fake persona until I saw the real him. I'd had seen the real him a few times in the past, but at the time I just thought he was going thru an "off" stage. It wasn't until I caught him out with another woman on a drinks date until 1:30 in the morning, that the mask started to slip again. For two months he put on his fake persona, lying to me and lying to our pastor while we were in counseling. He put on a great show. Even though he no longer kissed me, he was able to put on this big act on Thanksgiving by grabbing me in front of this family and kissing me passionately in front of them. He did something similar a few weeks later in front of this family. And then one day the mask fell off completely and he said he wanted a divorce (oh, and of course it had NOTHING to do with the whore he went out for drinks with -- yeah, right.) In my entire life I have never said to another person, "Who are you?!!" to which he replied, "I don't know." And to stare into those dead, cold eyes that used to reflect love (or so I thought) back to me. I now realize it was all an act. ALL OF IT! The person I loved didn't exist. He's put on a different mask for whoever he's with. These narcs are evil. I was living with an evil, lying, cheating, manipulative person for twenty years. He made me feel crazy at times. After all this happened, my brain hurt close to a year. There's so much more......there should be a law about emotional and psychological abuse. Unfortunately it's so hard to prove, because it's our word against theirs and they are masters at deception, so they'd lie themselves out of an accusations of abuse. I hope there's a special place in hell for these narcs. He murdered me psychologically and emotionally.
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Mel
2/12/2017 01:38:53 pm
Thanks for sharing your experience, those of us who are so unfortunate to have be in a situationship will forever be scarred, but please remember our scars and experience protects from future predators. You are not alone, you will heal. We have gifts, natural godgiven, that they don't and no matter who they fool, use or abuse , the deep emptiness inside will never go away, and our wonderful gifts will never go away
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Jenn
2/14/2017 07:24:35 pm
Mel.........Well said. I completely agree.
Jenny
2/15/2017 08:49:22 am
Mel,
Jenn
2/14/2017 07:23:42 pm
Jenny.......I hear ya! I really do. I felt the same way about my NX. I was only with him for nearly 5 years before he discarded me. But the end result was the same......I felt destroyed. That's how we survivors feel when that discard comes....be it them who discards us, or we are the ones to do the leaving. They murder our souls and spirits. They will don whatever mask they need to in order to obtain what it is they need from a particular person. I am sorry you endured what you did. Have you come to my Facebook page by this same name? Just like the "F" icon at the top of the page. I post so much more than blog posts there. I'll be thinking of you.
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Jenny
2/15/2017 08:52:00 am
Jenn, Thanks for letting me know about your Facebook page. I will definitely "like" it later today. Facebook is blocked at work, so I will check it out when I get home today. I really like your blog. I'm sorry for what you went through. :( These narcs are just so evil at times.
Jenn
2/22/2017 06:15:21 am
Jenny......I hope you have found some camaraderie in my Facebook page. I try to post a variety of things. But if there's anything you ever want me to explore more, let me know by private message on the page and I can research it and post about it. (I've done it before and it's an educational experience for me too.) I thank you for your kind words. It hurts my heart to know there are so many survivors out there. I think that's why I started my blog and my page. Since I found my voice, I hoped that my perspective could reach people and help somehow. And in helping others, it has helped me. Take care.
Jenny
2/22/2017 08:20:22 am
Thanks, Jenn, I will if I think of anything. :)
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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