I get it. You were in love. You had built a life with the Narcissist. But you were dealt a huge blow when the Narcissist discarded you like yesterday’s garbage. Whether the discard was a week ago, a month ago, or a year ago, one thing is for sure. You can’t stop thinking about the Narcissist. But you want to. But how?
To Narcissists, you are nothing. You are nothing more than a means to an end for them. You are just a source of supply. A way for them to get their next high. Their next fix. Their next stepping stone to an already superior image.
The above paragraph can be incredibly difficult to digest. I get it. In the days and weeks (and months) following my discard, it was hard to grasp the reality of the situation. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he did to me. About the well-planned execution of his goal to eliminate me from my children’s lives. I consider myself an intelligent individual, so one of the repeated questions that kept coming up was, “How could this happen to me?” No matter how hard I tried, I kept running my mind in circles. I was stuck in my pain. I was stuck in the fear and self-loathing. I was stuck in the abuse. Anyone’s natural response to stop thinking about something is more thinking! How counterproductive is that? So what on earth can a person do then? Obtaining calm No one can force thoughts out of their mind. It’s impossible. So I realized the next best thing was to fill my mind with different things. Happier things. Calmer things. Things like learning a new craft or going on a nature hike. It’s not a band-aid That’s not to say that you’d be replacing your negative thoughts with more positive ones. That would just be putting a band-aid on a very deep wound. Because eventually, all that pent up emotion would come busting out of the band-aid and wreak havoc. No. You need to also heal your wounded soul, as well. And yes, that does require revisiting the wounds that the Narcissist inflicted upon you. Ok wait. Doesn’t that require more thinking about the Narcissist? Indirectly, yes. But to heal your own wounds, you need to realize that these are your wounds. Take ownership of them. Your healing is not about the Narcissist. Your healing is about you. You are responsible for your own healing. No one else can do your healing for you – not your parents, not your friends and not a therapist. Sure, these people can aid in your journey by encouraging you and providing you with love and support. But only you can face your wounds head on. How can you do that? By doing deeper. By getting out of the viscous cycle of negativity the Narcissist inflicted. Get into your own soul and work on your inner parts that have been triggered. Work to heal those unhealed parts. Doing so will release your emotional pain and anguish. When the inner parts begin to heal, at that point you will start thinking about the Narcissist less and less. What did you do get yourself to stop thinking about the Narcissist? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
8 Comments
Rita Viola Rain
1/29/2017 07:37:07 pm
Go no contact. Educate yourself about narcissism. Then work on your healing to regain your strength, joy, & confidence. It is a journey, sometimes slow, but you are so worth it!!!!!!
Reply
Jenn
2/7/2017 06:24:19 am
Rita.....You got it right! Education about Narcissism is paramount. Healing is a slow journey, at times mixed with many ups and downs. But having that chance to rediscover who I am and what I love is exciting.
Reply
Julian
1/30/2017 02:04:05 am
I'm still trying to dig out. Her thing was to make me think I was the narcissist, that I was a sociopath. 8 years I tried to make it work. Education is helping me to undo some of the damage. Art helps too. Create something, anything, but let it be art, let it live.
Reply
Jenn
2/7/2017 06:26:55 am
Julian......Yes, Narcissists love to twist things around and get us to think that WE are the problem, that we are the Narcissist. The problem was never with you. It is always them. Educating yourself about your experiences will assist in your healing. But make sure you leave room to enjoy life too. I like that you immerse yourself in art. To create something and make it come alive can truly give your soul a lift. Healing is a slow process, but we are worth it. Take care.
Reply
Charis
1/30/2017 04:58:15 am
Hello, I have been in 2 abusive relationships in the last 10 years. I think i never healed from the first one (cause i still feel sad and influinced about it) and the second was shorter (3 years) but with the narcissist. I'm at the end of my rope and can't stop thinking about it and can 't get passed the pain/insensitivity and betrayal. I'm diagnosed with fybromyalgie, chronique depression with a traumatique history. I just want to ask how do I do the work? How do I get into my own soul and work on it?
Reply
Jenn
2/7/2017 06:32:42 am
Charis.....I am sorry that you experienced all that you have. No person deserves to be abused. We certainly don't ask for it. Quite honestly, I don't think we ever fully heal from our experiences. I am nearly 7 years out of my relationship with my NX (he discarded me nearly 7 years ago). I know I'll never be completely healed. He has custody of the children, so as long as the kids are with him, I have to deal with him in some respect. Narcissists love to come back around every so often so take verbal jabs at us, to make sure that we "stay down" and always feel bad. It's their way of maintaining control over us. I am sorry that you feel you can't get past things. I totally understand. You have a lot going on physically and emotionally. Take one step at a time. Are you physical ailments under control? Do you take medication for them? Taking care of our emotional selves is a bit harder. What brings you happiness? Do you like to paint or go hiking? Start small. Go for a walk around the block on a nice day. Maybe call up a friend you haven't spoken to in a while. Are there volunteer opportunities in your town? Perhaps volunteer with the local Red Cross or at a local hospital. Doing something good for your soul will help lift your spirits. Good luck. And take care. I'll be thinking of you.
Reply
Charis
2/9/2017 03:32:26 am
Hello, thanks for the reply. I'm taking things step by step. some days i'm thinking less about things and i'm starting to feel stronger. Other days i rest most of the time. I stay in a lot to protect myself from other people or stress. My health is ok as long as i rest, the only medication i can take are painkillers. I don't know what the future brings but i try not to worry about it to much.
Jenn
2/14/2017 07:16:50 pm
Charis......Taking things step by step is sometimes the only way to deal with our healing journey. You will have bad days where all you do is think about the Narc. But then, you'll have good days too where you begin to feel safe and confident. Healing will take time though. Be gentle with yourself while you heal. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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