If you have children with a Narcissist, there's one thing you need to remember....There is no such thing as co-parenting with a Narcissist. Narcs do not have any concept of co-parenting much less teamwork and cooperation.
Now that that's cleared up, read on for what you can do in spite of the Narc.
Narcs see the children as extensions of themselves, and therefore never have their best interest at heart. For example, my daughter is 10 years old and just completed the 4th grade.....in her SIXTH school. My NX has moved so often since he discarded me, that my daughter has been in 6 schools.
That's not having your child's best interests at heart. He rips her out of every school she's been in....and twice he did so in the MIDDLE of the school year! She's had to leave the friends she's made. And in the beginning of the 2014-15 school year, she had several panic attacks! An 8 year old child having panic attacks! I spoke with the school counselor that my daughter had been seeing. It was determined that my daughter was afraid to make new friends because she didn't want to have to say goodbye to them only months later! Now, after having been in the same school for 2 years, she has moved again. So, next month, she will be starting her 7th school in just 6 years. So what can you do when your NX refuses to work with you for the sake of the children? You can co-parent IN SPITE OF the Narc. Basically, do your own thing by doing what you feel is best for the children while they are in your care. Here's a great list of things you need to keep in mind when you co-parent in spite of your NX. 1. Avoid conflict. Create boundaries. (See my post on Boundaries.) Well, as much as you can, anyway. The best way to do this is to limit contact you have with your NX. Engage strictly in e-mail conversations. That way, you have a record of communication, and what was said in that communication. Keep your discussions to JUST the children. The NX will most certainly stray from this, mentioning anything he can to see if he can get a reaction out of you. Reply to only the parts pertaining to the children. Also, limit the phone calls with your NX. My NX has NEVER respected my boundary of not calling past a certain hour. (He has called at 10pm before. Even after midnight once!) So, that's why I now put my phone on the Do Not Disturb mode beginning at 7pm. My NX is also notorious for dominating phone conversations and any in person conversations. This is another reason why emails are best. 2. Get everything in writing. Actually, this will be easier to achieve by keeping conversations limited to email. Narcs never keep a verbal promise, so be sure to get in writing whatever you can. (And my NX has displayed his antics quite well in emails! I have a long record of his threats, intimidation tactics, nasty behaviors....you name it, I've kept it.) 3. Be there emotionally for your children. Narcs have no capacity to love anyone but themselves, so you need to compensate for this. Be extra loving, and reassure your children that they are loved, cherished, and valued. That their feelings and opinions matter, that they matter.
For the non-custodial parent
While all the above list items will apply to you, there's some extra considerations for you. Because my NX insists on living on the opposite coast, I am therefore bound by the airline flight schedules. It is VITAL that you maintain specific pick up and drop off times and locations. I say this because a Narc is well known for his attempts to get you to change plans. He'll request a different location to exchange the children. Or he'll threaten to not be home to receive the children at drop off. Or he'll complain about why a flight is arriving too late. Be firm in your reply to your NX....your flight information cannot be changed, and therefore you require him to be home at a specified time to pick up or drop off the children. Furthermore, if your time with the children is limited, then you'll also want to limit contact with the NX while the children are in your care. In 2013, my NX ranted on Facebook that I was an evil person because I wouldn't allow him to contact the children during the ONE WEEK that I had them with me. One week. That's all I am able to afford. One week with my children, and he demands that he speak to them every night?!? That is MY week with them. I did communicate minor flight delays that year, and the children did speak to him that first evening. Role Model Above all else, you must remain a positive role model for your children. I've been told countless times that my children "need one healthy parent" to show them how to survive in this world. Show them the proper way to behave. Don't ever badmouth your NX to your children. Dollars to donuts, your NX already does that about you. And chances are, the children already take notice. For example, in July 2014, my daughter asked me (twice in one day, mind you!) "Why don't you yell at us like daddy does?" The more you show them the proper way to behave, the more they will notice the differences. Stay the Course Do your best to adhere to your boundaries and keep communications with your NX as amicable as possible. It's easier said than done, I know! I have a doozy of a time maintaining composure sometimes. But like the saying goes....you can't control other people's behavior, you can only control your own. Have you had to co-parent with a Narc? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
2 Comments
sue
8/4/2016 11:20:29 am
I left my narcissist boyfriend of 8 yrs. during that time my 6 Mo. old grandson came to live with us. We raised him. Even my x thought of him as his own son. They have a bond and love for one another. He did and still does have his best interest at heart. Baffles me because he treated me so badly I left him when my grandson was 4. I am not going to ever come between the 2 of them. He treats him as I would and loves him. I cannot understand it when I hear a narcissist has no capacity to love. I think they do, if it's not a person they are trying to get something from. I am very curious as to your thought on this.
Reply
Jenn
8/4/2016 12:47:10 pm
Sue...Thank you for your thoughts. You asked a very important question. A question that is not an easy one to answer. I can only give you an answer based on my experience and from what I've learned over the course of my healing and recovery. A Narcissist may appear to love others, including their own flesh and blood. They love the idea of what they can provide to them. Everyone has a purpose in their eyes. They are a source of supply. A spouse of child gives them a bottomless supply of attention, adulation, and praise. When the person no longer can provide the Narc will what they crave, those sources become targets themselves. By that reasoning alone, it had become clear to me that a Narc cannot love anyone but themselves. They love only what you can do for them. I hope that helps.
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Like the FFNAEA Facebook page by clicking the icon below!
Welcome
Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
December 2022
The Top 10
Here you will find my most popular posts for easier discovery.
Tightening Your Facebook Privacy Settings How Narcissists Make Sure You Never Solve Problems In A Relationship How I Lost My Identity The Fake Apology Effects of Emotional Abuse Why You Should Never Defend Yourself Against The Narcissist's Smear Campaign Emotionally Abusive Behaviors Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do An Open Letter To All Survivors Who Just Got Out Of An Abusive Situation Emotional Rape Categories
All
Copyright Notice
©2016-2023. Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material (in full or in part) without the express written consent of this blog's author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse with a link back to the original content.
Disclaimer
The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.
|