Perhaps you have just gotten out of a relationship with a Narcissist. Perhaps you’ve been away for a while. Perhaps the Narcissist is a parent. In any research you may have done, you might have come across the term Covert Narcissistic Abuse. What is it? Why is it so insidious?
By definition
The word covert is defined by Merriam-Webster in several ways:
So by those above definitions, we can understand that Covert Narcissistic Abuse is when Narcissists use stealth methods to unleash their cruel and vicious behavior on us. They are very careful at hiding their abusive ways. (This is why it’s so difficult to pinpoint just what it is they are doing to us!) Traits of Covert Narcissists The traits of covert narcissists greatly overlap with those of the narcissist-psychopaths (also called narcopaths). Info Self Development lists the many traits of a covert narcissist (all of which apply to my NX), but for the sake of brevity, I’ll just list the several traits that stand out to me the most, mainly because my NX embodies these traits to a tee. 1. Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation My NX never batted an eyelash when it came to lying. He would lie to save his own skin. I remember the first time I got in trouble with the law because of him. We had just moved far away from family in February 2007. He had just become active duty military. My daughter was only 8 months old at the time. We had gotten into a very large argument that unfortunately resulted in me hitting him to defend myself. We were living in a state that had a zero-tolerance policy when it came to domestic violence. The police had arrived (a neighbor had apparently called them). Although, I admitted to the physical nature of the argument, my NX never offered up any reason why and let them handcuff me. I subsequently spent the next 3 and a half days in jail. My NX had been quite the charming person towards the policemen. This, no doubt, cast a very bleak shadow on my psychological state. As I was hysterically crying while being put in cuffs, I could hear my NX say that I had just “gone off” and I did happen to notice how calm he remained while still holding my daughter in his arms. 2. Very sensitive to constructive criticism All Narcissists can’t stand any kind of criticism at all. The wiring in their brain interprets it as being told they are wrong. Whenever I would suggest any kind of constructive criticism at all, he’d take it as a huge insult. The first thing that comes to mind is when I would continually ask him to not leave his military uniform in the middle of the living room when he came home at night. I worked hard at trying to keep a clean house, and I would constructively suggest that maybe he could hang his stuff up or at least sling it over the back of a living room chair. Oh boy, did that unleash a barrage of rage! He had a hard day at work and all he wanted was to come home and relax, so he didn’t need me badgering and nitpicking, he would yell. 3. Blaming others for their problems I would always be the scapegoat on this one. No matter what happened, I would be to blame. If he had a bad day at work, it was my fault because he couldn’t concentrate since he had to yell at me the night before. If he couldn’t find part of his uniform, it was my fault because I had done the laundry and didn’t put anything back the way he had it. It didn’t matter what did or didn’t happen. He would find some way to turn it back onto me and blame me. If he got a speeding ticket, it was my fault. 4. A victim mentality Narcissists are all very adept at this one! His covert tactics would never be seen. Even in public, he would make me the butt of his jokes (and his buddies would laugh). When I protested, he’d say “lighten up” or “geez, someone’s sensitive.” These small incidents would build up until I would crack. Then, he’d play the victim. There have unfortunately been a few times I had gotten in trouble with the law because of him. He would keep at it with me for days and days until I cracked. When I cracked, he’d go running to his chain of command to get it down on paper. He cried victim. The longer this went on, the more he was able to build up against me. Until the day he kicked me out in May 2010 and he took my kids away from me. He had the authorities thinking that I was the threat! Bottom line Covert Narcissists are extremely dangerous. Because they are so stealthy, you will never see them coming. Once their tactics are unleashed on you, you will have the wind knocked right out of you. It’ll take your breath away – and not in a good way. Their purpose is to suck the life from you, drain you until you have nothing left. Have you dealt with a Covert Narcissist? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
7 Comments
Courtney
5/1/2017 04:21:46 am
I divorce my ex narcissistic abuser and I think he is covert in many ways. I have been praying for him to be exposed. He uses people and does not give a damn the careers he ruins or the fact that he is hurting our children. I am fighting him in court again as I fight to get more time with my children and to protect them.
Reply
Jenn
5/3/2017 06:13:18 am
Courtney........I am sorry that you had to endure that. I hope covert Narcs are exposed too. I think someday they will be because the more we survivors keep speaking out about our experiences, the more we are educating outsiders. Narcs can't stay hidden for long.
Reply
Courtney
5/7/2017 02:10:25 pm
This is true!
Court
5/4/2017 09:19:07 pm
Mine was completely covert which is why it took me longer then it should have to realize he was abusive.
Reply
Jenn
5/7/2017 01:48:50 pm
Court......Covert Narcs and other such toxic individuals are adept at hiding their true selves. It takes all of us longer to realize they are abusive. You are not at fault for what happened. Take care.
Reply
Courtney
5/7/2017 02:11:39 pm
This is why it is so important to have a strong community. It has been my Faith in Jesus that has got me through this.
Reply
Jenn
5/7/2017 02:18:31 pm
Courtney....Yes, I agree. It is so important to have a strong belief in your faith. It is what can carry us through the most difficult times in our lives. Hang in there. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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