When someone is physically abused, it is unfortunately easier to see the lasting scars and effects of the abuse. Not so much with emotional abuse. With emotional abuse, many of the scars can't easily be seen. With emotional abuse, many of the scars are on the inside. Effects of emotional abuse can be placed into 2 categories: short-term and long-term. I experienced both. Both short term and long term effects of emotional abuse leave an indelible mark on the victim's psyche. Short-Term Effects Emotional abuse cuts to the core of the victim's very being. It leaves scars that the rest of the world can't see. Even the short-term effects can be debilitating. Some of these effects are:
While I was still with my NX and even immediately following my discard, I felt each of the above effects. I didn't trust myself to make decisions, I felt like no one would even want me (even my own family!), and I absolutely could not look anyone in the eye. I felt like my whole being was destroyed! Long-Term Effects
Whether your relationship lasted a month, a year or 10 years, the long term effects that Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse can leave on a person can be quite detrimental. My relationship with my NX lasted a little over 5 years (including the time we were married). The abuse even continued after that, too. And for a while, his tactics worked. Until I got myself into therapy and started putting the things I learned into practice. Some of the long term effects that I experienced were:
Sometimes, some long term effects like depression and difficulty sleeping can interfere with every day life. So much so, that the victim is often left unable to work or leave the house. Even though my NX lives on the opposite coast than me, I still looked over my shoulder and jumped every time someone came up behind me (and said hello, or excuse me, etc). For a while, I even withdrew from what I used to love to do. Because a person's mind and body are connected, it is inevitable that what a person feels emotionally, that person will feel physically. For a long time after the discard (read my post The Discard for more information), I would get panic attacks that consisted of rapid heart-rate and shortness of breath every time my NX even called me on the phone! What (if any) effects have you noticed in regards to the Narc in your life? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
45 Comments
Stephanie
8/10/2016 12:00:50 pm
I went through all of these. Over 20 years worth. My narc is gone. He has "rescued" another woman from a different narc. This is now more than several handfuls of supply he has acquired during our marriage. I actually found my first Facebook narc abuse recovery site when I saw a public post she made (before blocking them both). My goal is to never do what his new supply has done. I don't ever want to go back to an abuser of this sort. It is the biggest thing my therapist and I are working on. My mind healed almost immediately after he left. TOW can have him, but I can't decide whether to hate her or feel sorry for her.
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Jenn
8/10/2016 12:59:26 pm
Stephanie......I am glad that you are free of your Narc. I know what you mean.....now that we are aware, we know the signs. So staying away from that sort is easier. Good for you for working on healing! Yeah, I don't know whether I should hate the new girl (because she's essentially helping raise my children) or feel sorry for her. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
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Mark
5/13/2018 01:05:42 am
Feel sorry for her! My wife just disappeared from a beauty shop appointment a short while ago. And it really doesn't feel all that good.
Rose
8/13/2016 01:37:01 am
Feel sorry for her, no one deserves emotional abuse. I'm glad you moved and have a good therapist.
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Jenn
9/5/2016 12:18:45 pm
Rose.....I agree. No one deserves to be abused.
Amanda
8/11/2016 11:18:50 pm
I had 27 years. In the end I work from home and stayed in my office almost the entire time because if I was working I knew he wouldn't be giving me "the look". When he was having his affair if I went into the living room he would go into the bedroom and if I were going to the bedroom he was going to the living room. I didn't know what the time what was going on but the feeling of rejection was immense. I had live with that feeling for many years. He controlled the money, he controlled what we did, he even controlled whether I exercised or not by making comments like don't you think you could pick a better time, the kids miss you and need you… But he could choose any time to go and stay for as long as he wanted leaving me here to be a single parent. Problem-solving was nonexistent… He would immediately talk over me, then if I raise my voice he tell me I was not talking like an adult. My self-esteem was at -30. I read into a lot of things a lot of people do now. The few men that I have talk to you if I don't hear back from them soon my drum things up in my mind as to why. My confidence and my work has diminished and yet it one time I felt like I was one of the best at what I did but because I have been isolated for so long I've not been able to keep up with the new innovations. Getting motivated to exercise And take care of myself is extremely difficult in my mind I am saying to myself "why bother"… "You'll never lose weight"… "You're too old for anybody to care" I know I have to change my thinking process but can't seem to get the positives to stick. Maybe mediation!
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Barbara
8/12/2016 05:34:37 am
Amanda, my story was very similar to yours and lasted 34yrs. I sonetimes feel a fool for not getting out quicker. Now my daughter is in a similar position but has been isolated so that her narc remains in control. It is breaking my heart as I last saw her when I got out of my prison three years ago. X
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Jenn
8/12/2016 06:58:09 am
Barbara....I am sorry that you experienced what you did. I can imagine how difficult it is to know your daughter is going through something similar. But I feel that you will be able to be her support when she needs it. Hang in there.
Jenn
8/12/2016 06:54:38 am
Amanda......I am so sorry that you endured what you did. The act of rejecting a partner is one of the many things a Narc does well. I have felt that before too. I am glad you are away from him and that you are on a path of healing. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
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9/5/2016 11:16:05 am
Amanda I know how you feel. While I was w my narc I walked on egg shells all the time. It did not matter what I was doing it was "wrong" in the narc's eyes. We separated for 4 years then divorced in 2010. I did not connect him w narcissism until 2015. Up until then I played his game. He got so much supply from me. I went to all my son's activities w him. My son played travel basketball and baseball. I would go w him to out of town tournaments. Even sometimes staying in the same hotel room. I took all his crap. He is also an alcoholic. That is what I thought was his problem. I wanted to be as close to him as possible to protect my child. He was 7 yo when we separated. Oh the mistakes I made!!! He always had a girlfriend but did not bring them to my child's events.
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Jenn
9/5/2016 12:16:53 pm
Kate......I am so sorry for what you have endured. Your son sounds like an extraordinary young man and I hope that you two can begin to heal together. Since he is old enough, has he gone in front of a judge to say he does not want contact with his father? As for the ex's new girl, it sounds like she is still "under his spell" and will eventually find out for herself what he really is. Nothing you can do about that until then. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you and your son.
Lisa
8/12/2016 01:56:21 am
I grew up with this from both parents ever since I can remember. Needless to say I was a mess my whole life. Bullied severely all thru school. Abused by men. Worst thing is everyone just shook their heads and blamed me.
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Jenn
8/15/2016 05:28:44 pm
Lisa.....Oh I'm so sorry you have endured so much! That must have been so rough. Please know you have a place here and on my Facebook page of the same name. I hope you are on a road to healing and recovery. Sending you much love. I'll be thinking about you.
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Lee
8/12/2016 06:41:22 am
I have had 14 years. I broke out earlier this year. Still scared whenever I see a van the same color. Can't sleep more than a few hours at a time. Cry easily and constantly second guess my decisions. I just got diagnosed with PTSD.
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Jenn
8/12/2016 07:01:00 am
Lee.....I am glad to hear you are away from your situation. Healing will take time. I was diagnosed with PTSD too, so I know what you mean there. Hang in there, you are a survivor.
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Lee
8/27/2016 11:07:45 am
Thank you so much I'm working through it slowly relocating in another week that will help to get out of this place where all the memories are.
Jenn
8/27/2016 02:34:46 pm
Lee.....I know what you mean about getting away from where the memories are. Good luck to you.
J
8/12/2016 08:32:49 am
I went through it for 13 years. And like Barbara I feel dumb for not leaving sooner and not only do I struggle with trusting people and their motives even when they are being kind. But I struggle with the pain that my children are in. I have been divorced 3 years now and I have received a lot of healing. But now that he can't control me himself he harasses me through my children and is emotionally abusing them. I struggle with if I was smarter 16 years ago my children would be suffering with his manipulation. Like so many stories mine was no different. Never good enough, when trying to bring up my hurt he always turned the subject around. I lived under so much stress that I had acne that turned into staph infection ( on my face!). Always has me so busy that I didn't have time to take care of myself. Once even heard him say to one of his friends "keep your wife far so no one else will her". There are times when I know I am going to have to see him to exchange our children and my stomach starts acting up, I will either get nauseated or diarrhea. It's getting better and not so often any more. I got healing through God. My church had a divorce recovery class and free counseling and a single parents group. Once I started to realize how much God loves me and every single one of us the healing began. I now see people through different eyes and I try to understand people because everyone has a story. That rude coworker, you have no idea what's going on at home. My Nx still tries to control my life in certain situations he used to text me everyday. Now there is only some kind of "drama" when he has our children for his visitation. He has remarried had another child and feel sad for his wife cause she doesn't know what she is going to go through. Can't warn her caus I will only be seen as the bitter ex. She thinks the world of him. Ladies we have to learn our worth so that we are not blind to the red flags. I have come a long way but at the same time I still struggle with blaming myself for staying w a controlling insecure guy. Sometimes I say to myself how could I ever marry a guy who pushed me before I ever married him? He never hit me when we were married his control and jealousy and belittling in his way that I didn't see it while it was going on took my self esteem a little at a time. I always thought I was crazy and forgetful. I was watched at work. I was not able to talk to men at work. Every man I spoke to was interested in me , in his eyes. He didn't even want me saying good morning to men at the office. It has been difficult to make male friends again. But I am little by little becoming a new version of the old me who could talk to anyone and be friendly but this time knowing my worth. My heart is heavy and pray for everyone going through this. My overthinking has come in handy sometimes being able to reach out to ladies who seem to be crying out for help. Those that have been through this can read the body language of others sometimes. I correct people who have conversations where they "judge" the "dumb" ladies who can do better and stay with that jerk. Speak up to those who don't understand. Ladies need to lift one another up they don't need more people taking away their self esteem.
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J
8/12/2016 08:53:58 am
Sorry for the typos. Did that on my phone. If clarification is needed please ask.
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Jenn
8/12/2016 09:37:17 am
J.....Thanks. I understood. :)
Jenn
8/12/2016 09:35:32 am
J.....Our stories are quite similar. We didn't leave sooner for a few reasons....we loved the person, we believed we had found out Mr Right, we hoped they would change, we were conditioned to believe we wouldn't survive of we did leave. The Narcs get us to believe that we are worthless and no one else would love us. That we are lucky we found them. My NX has custody of the kids, so he still tries to control me through them. The way we are watched at work or told what clothes to wear....that's all part of their control methods. They want us to totally dependent on them. I totally agree that we ladies must lift one another up. Take care.
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Shelly
8/12/2016 09:07:26 am
I didn't think I was being abused because it wasn't physical and everyone around us loved him and thought he was a great guy. I thought I was ugly, dumb, unloveable, and never made good decisions about my life. To him and to everyone he convinced I was crazy and had anger problems when really I was responding to his constant cheating and put downs. Therapy opened my eyes to this abuse thankfully. Now I know I was being abused and it was torture.
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Jenn
8/12/2016 09:42:18 am
Shelly......That's the exact mindset I had too at first. I didn't think it was a bad thing. Until I went to a women's crisis center where I lived after my discard. I was shown the Power and Control Wheel and learned about emotional abuse. It really opened my eyes. Hope you are well. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. And all of those who post comments here.....we are in this together.
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Karri
8/12/2016 05:44:21 pm
My narcissistic abuser was my mother, she still abuses me to this day, along with my older sister. My father physically & verbally abused me along with their verbal abuse. I was often beaten for things my sister had done or lied to my parents about. To this day, I often wonder if I was adopted, as I am nothing like the people whose house I lived in growing up. Thankfully, I had 6 wonderful cousins (all male!) on my mom's side of the family who stepped up in the background, taught me a lot, & basically raised me to be the strong person I am today. Unfortunately, I married a man (21 years) who a month after the wedding decided he didn't want to be with me and began to abuse me verbally & emotionally even worse than they did in the hopes I would divorce him. Naturally, when I finally did, he still abuses me to this day. Yet my cousins are still there for me, turned me into a little female carbon copy of them, and I wouldn't be without them in my life!! I am moving on, moving forward, and have found I am much happier with minimal contact between myself and my "family".
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Jenn
8/12/2016 07:05:47 pm
Karri....I am sorry to hear of the situation that you were in. Though I cannot identify with the exact situation (as I didn't have parents like that), I can just imagine how emotionally painful it must have been for you. But I am glad to hear that you had male cousins who stood by you and helped you become strong. That's awesome. Good for you that you are moving on and moving forward. I'll be thinking of you.
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Pretty tricky when it's a biological mom who never wanted or raised you yet judges everything. .She's Gone by her choice. .Unable to deal with her baggage from the 60s with a mixed child. .A coward and I feel very sorry for her. .30 years finally left her emotional baggage and secrets on the perverbial floor
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Jenn
8/16/2016 09:59:59 pm
A.........I'm sorry that you've had that experience. It must have been difficult. I am glad you left her baggage behind. I hope you have found a good path of healing. Take care.
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Courtnie
8/21/2016 02:44:19 am
I'm going through similar problems right now. I just don't leave because I hold out hope that things will get better. I just bury my head in the sand, and continue on about my day. I don't have sex, I don't do any activity I enjoy anymore, I feel awful most of the time and my health *once amazing* is slowly declining. I'm only 23 I shouldn't be having some of the symptoms and problems I'm having. I don't feel attractive, I feel fat, worthless, and gross. I constantly get called ugly names..and just tonight got a severely injured arm from a fight we got into. Thankfully we have no kids...
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Jenn
8/21/2016 02:37:43 pm
Courtnie.......That's what the Narc wants you to do, to bury your head in the sand. It won't get better. Ever. Getting away is the only way you can start enjoying the things you used to. Therapy will help. Is there a women's shelter that you can stay in? They'd have resources too to help you get back on your feet. If you haven't already, go get the arm checked out by a doctor, and report the incident. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please stay safe.
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:40:07 pm
Courtnie.....Hey how are you doing? I hope you have found a way to remain safe. Take care. Hang in there.
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Geri
3/18/2017 10:27:36 pm
Courtnie...PLEASE GET OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE! You are still so young & deserve every happiness in this world & you won't find it with your abuser!
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:38:58 pm
Geri.......Thank you for your kind words to Courtnie. I agree with you....everyone is beautiful in their own way. It doesn't matter what we look like.....Narcissists will put us down and call us every name in the book. They aim to rip our self-esteem to shreds.
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Em
4/18/2017 01:48:22 am
I have been reading into narcissts and their abuse because I suspect I may be being abused. For all intents and purposes, I think I may be dealing with a hypervigilant narcissist. We've been together ten years, but it wasn't until three years ago when our daughter was a year old that the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse came out. We are in an undesirable circumstance, we had to move back in with my dad because he got hurt at work and we just couldn't survive on our own. There's a lot that went into play, and I'm hoping it is just the enormous amount of stress we are dealing with. However, he won't let me go out, he calls constantly when I just go to the store. He turns things around and blames me, gaslights me. Just recently told me he feels comfortable calling me a bitch to my face, calls me stupid all the time because I can't read his mind. Threatens me with horrible days if I don't leave him alone or if I won't do what he says. Constantly calks me crazy for sticking up for myself after him yelling at me and trying to confuse me. If I try to talk with him about his he's making me feel, he turns it into s competition, telling me its not always about me, that he's not allowed to have feelings, and that I'm selfish for even bringing up the fact that he's hurting me. Justifies his behavior as not abuse because he doesn't hit me. Tells me things will get better, all lies. Makes me feel bad or guilty for wanting a job and goes into self loathing because I shouldn't need a job because he's the man and he should be able to take care of us, but he constantly misses work and can barely affird to feed us. The times I did have a job, he sabotaged it by taking the vehicle using up gas, turning my alarm off. He starts fights on any and all holidays. He never helps me around the house, then yelks at me that he does help me because he takes care of our daughter. Do you think it could just be stress and if there was less stress he would go back to the loving caring responsible man I fell in love with? Or did it just take seven years for him to shie his true self? He is so good to our daughter, and when things are good they are perfect, but when they are bad I just want to take my daughter and run to a different country. I'm so confused. I wish narcissism didn't exist, because just my glimpse of it makes me cry for all those who have dealt with it and are still dealing with it. I'm trying to be strong. Thank you for letting me rant, and my prayers go out to all of you.
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J
4/18/2017 12:10:33 pm
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Em
4/20/2017 10:57:34 pm
The reply is blank..? Idk if you noticed. Would really appreciate any words you'd like to share concerning my experience. I've been devouring your page for the past week. It is very enlightening and so encouraging.
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Jenn
5/17/2017 08:36:01 pm
Em......My apologies for that. I am not sure if that was me who replied. But at any rate, I am sorry for what you have endured. I am glad that you have found comfort in my page. Since I am not a therapist, I cannot diagnose him. But from my experience and what I've learned about toxic individuals like Narcissists, in my non-professional opinion, you are dealing with a malignant narcissist.He sounds very unstable and controlling. What are you doing to keep yourself safe? Are you in therapy? Is there a women's crisis center near you? I suggest seeking assistance from a women's crisis center......they will have lots of resources for you. There are several Narc Survivor communities on Facebook. Other than my page of this same name, there is Recovering from a relationship with a Narcissist - The Original. It is a large community (a public page) that posts lots of great things. I hope you find a healing path that works for you. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts. Please stay safe.
Lee
4/22/2017 10:22:46 pm
It's just simply trauma. You lose alot of sleep, eating problems, trouble focusing, forgetfulness, work performance issues, jumpiness (hyper vigilance), flashbacks, self doubt. Physically, you become older, grayer, more tired, wrinkled, stressed, bone pain, I had a lot of stomach pains, odd ailments you can't explain, no sex drive, you become a robotic functioning human with no positive human traits. You've been sucked dry both soul and flesh, you will slower wither away if you do not leave.
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em
4/27/2017 02:36:00 am
omg. ive had what im calling a stress cold for the past year. sometimes its just like light allergies other times its full on bronchitis. but its always there and nothing relieves it. im literally sick of the bullshit. :(
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Jenn
5/17/2017 08:37:28 pm
Lee.........I know what you mean. A survivor of narc abuse can be prone to developing physical ailments from all the emotional trauma.
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I was with my X for 18 years. We met at 16 at a ice rink at 19 I got pregnant. I was in love he was everything to me. We had our 2nd child at 24 then got married. I thought if I did everything he told me to do we would last. Everything was my fault if the house was a mess clothes weren't washed kids homework wasn't done i was to blame. Yes my husband was a big drinker too, but he would stop at times so I thought it was alright. Things got worse he would yell at me all hours of the night. Isolated me from my family and friends. I worked in had to work and he would spend the money. He would call me names call my kids names if I would protect my kids I would get yelled at. My X would always say tomorrow is a new day and act like nothing happened the night or day before. I was verbal abused emotional abused and was done in couldn't do it, but didn't know how to get out I had no support. 5 weeks before my son graduated High school my X kicked him out of the house. Told me he was not to come back to this house again. On Mothers day my X wanted me to make a choice my son or him, at the time I wasn't working i felt all alone I felt that I couldn't live without him. My X told me over and over he would never leave me get a divorce we are in it tell we die. He told me he would never bring another woman into my kids lives he would never cheat. A month after my son graduated High school we separated. I found out he was cheating with a co worker not sure how long, because to this day he will deny it. The worse thing that happened to me is I lost my daughter she lived with me for the first year then after that she lived with her dad and yes he married the woman he cheated on me with. My daughter didn't talk to me for 4 years some of my family hasn't talked to me in 7 years almost 8. I don't get it my cousin lived with me for 5 years he knows how my X treated me. My sister in law believes him that I'm crazy I make up stories I'm insane. I don't understand how he gets away with hurting me so bad destroying my life and he can move on get married and live happily ever after. My son has hurt feelings and has angrier problems my daughter finally has talked to me, but considers her step mom as her mom it is so hurtful to me. My kids lived in the same house as I did they were abused as much as I was. Why is he the forgiving parent and I'm the one that my daughter is having trouble with it just don't understand??? My son and I have a good relationship. My son and his dad just started to talk when my son had his second child. My X calls me names and tells my daughter to call me by my name not mom his house is a hate Jeana house.
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Jenn
5/17/2017 08:42:08 pm
Jeanna........I am so sorry for what you endured. What your kids experienced was likely trauma bonding. They felt a loyalty conflict towards him. I will pray that your daughter will one day see the truth. Just keep being the awesome mom you are.....do the same things you do, say the same things you say. When your daughter sees the consistently in your words and your actions, and then sees your ex's inconsistencies, she will begin to put things together. I feel the same way about my children......that they will one day see the inconsistencies in my NX's behavior versus how I am when they are with me. Hang in there. I will be thinking of you.
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Kay
9/26/2017 12:01:18 pm
I have been abused for 51 years by
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Mark
5/13/2018 01:12:41 am
I'm just a little curious as to why there are no men out there talking. I've searched and there isn't any mention (may be I missed it) of women doing this to men.
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Michael
8/18/2018 01:01:41 pm
Thanks for this. FINALLY, after years of searching for the root of all my problems,I found out that it is because I had been EMOTIONALLY RAPED for years. I'm a 50 year old man, in a WONDERFUL relationship of 20 years, with wife. I have been dealing with the aftermath with anxiety and low self esteem, my whole life. This has caused me to lash out with passive agressive behaviour & a victim mentality. My NX's were my Mom, Step-Dad, Step-Sister & anyone else affiliated with them, I was also physically raped, by my biological father at the age of 14. It was acceptable to treat me with no value. I continue to struggle, but now, thanks to this website, I can finally identify what I am stuggling with & know that I am at a big turning point in my life. Thank you & I am hoping my story can encourage others to find their own path, to healing...
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Janny
10/11/2018 05:37:20 am
My parents rescued me fromantic my narcisstic wife 2 weeks ago as I become self aware what was happening to me.now. I was so emotionally exhausted and drained when I leftry. I had bruises all over my body from emotional stress and now slowly disappearing. I only benefit married 5 months in a 2 year relationship. I had physicalow problems with my hand which I thought it was carpal tunnel but it never was as my hand has returned to normal now. My heart beats fast when my narc wife or her narc mum text me. I feel sad because I had to leave my two cats behind but I am thinking of a way to get them back ton be rehomed. My parents doesn't understand the narcistick abuse because I haven't seen them for 9 weeasy so they never saw me in that state. I had to get rid of my phone because I knew I was being hacked. I felt isolated not being able to contact anyone so I resorted to writing letters to friends to let them know I am okay . I am not looking forward to divorcing my narc wife as I know it may mean a big drain on my savings. I am thankful it was only 2 years but it will teach me not to be so trusting in a new relationship and now I know what signs to look out for.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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