If it's one thing about Narcs that you need to know, it is that they never give you a real apology. If they give you one at all. They will sometimes "apologize" but it is mostly to shut you up. I always felt so
insulted whenever my NX would give me these fake apologies. Narcs will imply that you are stupid enough to believe these "sincere" apologies. The "I'm sorry" is always followed by a "but."
They will do whatever it takes to trap you in their web of lies. Once they feel they have you hooked, they know you will believe anything they tell you. They will continue their twisted word games and use backhanded fake apologies.
So how do you know what a true apology is versus a Narc's fake one? A real apology will consist of three parts: the I'm sorry, the I was wrong, and the how can I make it better. A Narc won't do that. Why? Because that will show vulnerability, and a Narc can't have that.
A real apology will see you at the core, as in "You are hurting because..." A Narc apology will have himself at the core, as in "I am hurting because you...."
So what is the reasoning for the Narc's fake apology? The Narc knows you found out vital info that will expose him, and he will do whatever it takes to divert the attention away from himself. He will twist it around and wind up blaming you!
And sadly, some Narcs won't even use the "I'm sorry, but" apologies. They'll go straight for the jugular and begin a verbal assault on you.
So what will a Narc say? Below are several examples of fake apologies (many of which my NX said to me!).
1. "I'm sorry, but you overreact to everything anyway."
2. "I'm sorry, but everyone else thinks it was funny. You just have no sense of humor."
3. (An exasperated sigh) "I'm sorry. Happy now?"
4. "I'm sorry about that argument. But you started it."
5. "I'm sorry I abused you. But you abused me too."
6. (Loud groan) "Alright FINE. I'm SORRY." (This is said quite sarcastically and in an angry tone.)
7. "I already apologized. What more do you want?" (They actually never did "apologize" though....they are using the gaslighting technique here. Read more about gaslighting in my post Gaslighting: What You Need To Know.)
8. "I'm sorry that you don't think what I do is good enough for you."
9. "I'm sorry, but I work hard all day and I just want to come home and take a load off. Is that too much to ask?"
10. "I'm sorry, but I was just trying to help. Excuuuuse me for trying to help."
All of the above examples will almost always be followed up with a "Will you forgive me" statement. This puts the ball back in the victim's court. If she says yes, then it's basically giving the Narc a green light to continue his behavior and he'll know he can get away with whatever he wants. If she says no, she's the bad guy. The Narc will turn around and say, "Well what more do you want from me? I apologized!!"
Words mean nothing if actions remain the same. When we are the recipient of these fake apologies, we are left feeling empty and not valued. I've felt this way countless times. I always felt like my thoughts and feelings were never validated.
What kinds of fake apologies have you heard? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna (my pen name), the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you!
The Top 10
Here you will find my most popular posts for easier discovery.
How Narcissists Make Sure You Never Solve Problems In A Relationship
Effects of Emotional Abuse
The Fake Apology
How I Lost My Identity
Why You Should Never Defend Yourself Against The Narcissist's Smear Campaign
Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
An Open Letter To All Survivors Who Just Got Out Of An Abusive Situation
The Great Manipulator
Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do
Tightening Your Facebook Privacy Settings
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The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.