It is a term that warrants serious discussion. It is a term that when uttered will leave a lasting imprint on your mind. It is something that profoundly impacts those who it invades. It is emotional rape and its aftermath wreaks havoc on the victim.
What is Emotional Rape?
Put simply, emotional rape is an intentional systematic act of violence on a person's emotions. I realize that calling it emotional rape is an extremely brutal term, but that is the harsh reality of it. Your psyche is under vicious attack, and you become psychologically captive. More often than not, you won't notice what's going on while it's happening because the emotional abuse starts off so subtly. Narc tactic The reason that emotional rape is so insidious and damaging is because it starts out slowly. Narcs will hook you in with promises to love you, cherish you, take care of you. They are adept at hiding their true selves until they feel that you are vulnerable enough to the abuse that WILL follow. To know that you won't fight back. And believe me, like a leopard cannot change its spots, neither can a Narc. All the love they once professed to you, will change to degrading you, demeaning you, belittling you, and doing anything they can to tear down your self-esteem and your self-worth. They will brutally strip you of these things and leave you a shell of the person you once were.
Why do Narcs do this? It's all about having power and control over you. (Read my post Power and Control for further information.) The goal is to turn you into a complete mess, totally devoid of any worth and esteem. Until you are questioning your own sanity. Until they can turn around and claim that you are the crazy one!
The aftermath The aftermath of emotional rape is like the aftermath of a tornado. It is a complete and total mess. You are completely torn apart. You will be left feeling an intense range of emotions - from fear to anger, from anxiety to shame, and from guilt to humiliation. I felt all of that and more. I couldn't trust my own thoughts or perceptions. I had extreme difficulty making my own decisions. I couldn't trust anyone. I felt unworthy of love. To help me cope with the aftermath, I entered into therapy. You'll need to find a therapist well-versed in Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse. Have you experienced emotional rape by a Narcissist? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
26 Comments
Megan
9/15/2016 05:14:00 pm
Jenn I did read this when first posted but did not feel like commenting at the time. I want to thank you for really distinguish the difference between verbal and emotional. My NC hardly ever in fact never cursed but in the bedroom. He was the picture perfect father to his children, completely devoted and yet his relationship with his ex was always strained. So it was so hard for people to believe me. I liked to sometimes make fun to him he was a Ward Cleaver and yet he told me his friends did not like me, I couldn't talk to certain people and some friends were completely opposite of what he told me..in fact I sometimes felt what he was saying about them was really describing him..*projection* . When I started calling him out is when he slipped and I found everything he said was actually opposite. I'd been isolated for no reason but now that I had spoken out..I look as the villain. Today im feeling like Marshall Dillon. Thank you for distinguishing the differences.
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Jenn
9/15/2016 07:44:07 pm
Megan......You're very welcome. When I first started researching my feelings and emotions, some sites and books used the terms interchangeably. Narcissists put on a very good show for the "outside world" and only use their tactics on their targets mainly behind closed doors. It's sad really how they can play the victim so well.
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Pam
10/28/2019 12:58:54 pm
I had this happen to me yesterday. My saving-grace is that I have been working with a relationship coach after the first encounter with this guy. On its face, I was attracted to this guy's face (online). After reading his bio, I responded with "You lost me at punk rock." I had no idea he would respond. It challenged him. We had an off and on cyber relationship for 4 months. I kept getting this feeling... after he would throw down red flags. Long story short, I finally agreed to meet him b/c he stopped sparring with me. He had no intention to date me. It was my relationship coach that begged me not to meet him. He said that he was setting me up for the final blow in person. I was so into him that I thought the relationship coach was wrong. It went do exactly like that, when I was sitting across from him after a couple hours of chatting, I told him that I would be interested in dating and asked if he felt the same way. His answer was an immediate,"No." He stared at me (his affect did not change from hello to goodbye) waiting for a response. This was after he told me he broke it off with two girls he was dating causally that previous week. All I wanted to do was get my car. He was NOT the same guy that I had conjoured up in my head. I won't make that mistake again. Fortunately, I kept my cool (said a silent prayer that I could get to my car quickly). His MO is that he is like a rapist in that he emotionally rapes women. He sets them up to breakup with them. I did not give the response I'm sure the many before me did (tears, begging, pleading, etc.) I felt unsafe in his presence and basically apologized for any and everything that I could have said or done to hurt him then I asked to be taken back to my car. My world was not crushed because I talked to my relationship coach just after that event. The coach is the one that said the response emotional rape. I had to look it up because I've never heard of that and wa-la I ended up here to add to the stories. I so sorry for anyone who gets sucked into this kind of relationship. The man only wants to form it so that he can issue a final blow.
MrDork
3/30/2017 04:59:53 pm
I'm still recovering from the hell my exwife put me through and it hasn't been easy.To add insult to injury there's little to no help for men who have been abused by narcopathic women.I'm sorry most known narcopaths are men but it seems like the only men that understand what I've been through are hurt,bitter,hateful little men spouting MGTOW cult like nonsense,I'm not going down that path.I'm a peaceful person by nature.I can't afford therapy so my only option seems to be to study psyche and I have but that can only take me so far.I have learned a lot but I'm still hurt,still confused,and still feel alone.
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Jenn
4/5/2017 08:01:15 pm
MrDork......You are not alone. Please remember that. I know it's natural to feel that way. But there's a host of people who have felt (and still feel) what you feel. If you haven't already, head on over to my Facebook page of this same name.....just click on the F icon at the top of this page. It's a community of survivors just like you and me. Also, check out the "Books" tab at the top of this page. I listed a bunch of books that have all helped me in my healing journey. The best 2 though are Why Does He Do That (which may not help you though) and Psychopath Free. I wasn't able to afford much therapy either, but I found a women's center that worked on a sliding scale. Maybe there's a crisis center near where you live that works on a sliding scale. Look into that. But in the meantime, I am glad to hear you are taking steps to educate and heal yourself. Good for you. Hang in there.
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NoLongerHisVictim
2/21/2018 02:18:32 am
You’re not alone. You are not a dork. Keep reaching out.
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Karen
3/31/2017 03:19:15 am
I feel like this is what my ex narcs counsellor did to me. She shredded me when I was reeling from my separation after 20 years together. It felt like being raped. I was too distraught to understand what was happening & how to stop it. She had 3 hours with him then I was invited along under the pretense of it being marriage counseling. I should have reported her. I did eventually tell her what she did to me but I doubt she felt any guilt or remorse.
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Jenn
4/5/2017 08:09:54 pm
Karen.....Sounds like you were triangulated. My NX did this to me too with the female therapist we saw. The only way I could have seen that happening was that he must have gotten in to speak with her before our session. She spoke to me as if she knew things, like suggesting that what I did was wrong, how I failed as a wife, etc. And no, I don't think your counselor felt any guilt or remorse. Sometimes, they don't know they're being triangulated because the Narcs are that smooth.
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Karen
5/7/2018 11:33:40 am
My narc did same thing with counselor while I was hospitalized. She was on his side. I knew and had for many years what he was doing. I ultimately had to shut down therapist, female, which was his mo. Using women against me. I was able to shut then down in session only bcuz of my intelligence and education in abnormal psych but I was still not heard/seen by my own dr and counselor. Just assuming the problems I was having were bcuz I was wrong/sick etc. My bad behaviors which were nothing more than affects were used to enable, control, degrade demean etc. I refused to be controlled and sought emotional support and meet physical and emotional needs. But that was cheating of course in the mind of narc. One sided relationship for his needs/purposes. Triangulated financial, emotional abuse. Did it to his kid too. But now no problems with new relationship bcuz no kid to blame and abuse. No one could be trusted. Not even professionals. Finally I had the best counselor and I brought him in. Fed him to her, actually and let him tell on himself. It was poor him. Counselor was speechless and it was silence until she told him "you don't get it". He told her everything she needed to know without telling her @ same time. Bells/whistles and sirens. She wasn't sure how/what to say. I was done trying and that was addressed early on. O was there for myself only and didn't day much about him. He never even asked what it was he didn't get. Of course she wasn't qualified and he knew best. Tried to start counseling with her when I walked out finally after having to replan and re earn $ this time without his knowledge. He had new supplies regularly in every circumstance. They all were fooled and were the same kind of bad people pretending. Told me my problems didn't affect him. Has every characteristic in the DSM inventory. I knew/saw him and I did it back. All of it. Never told him what I knew he was doing. The phone calls telling me he's talking about me. Knew they weren't trustworthy. They did the wrong thing too. Child abuse was turn cheek. Don't want involvement but tell the victim and only be concerned that coming their way. I was empathetic for a child that wasn't mine and my fault for it. Blamed for his abusing kid too. Didn't even care about cops being called. Rules don't apply.
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Lelow
9/22/2017 08:01:48 am
The same thing happened to me when i lost my virginity. and several days after that.
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Julie
11/2/2017 10:03:45 pm
I was emotionally violated by a born again Christian. It was not a sexual relationship. She said she was "bringing me to the Lord". She tore my psyche apart with the help of others around me. That was nearly 30 years ago and I still have not recovered. I am only now finding my anger and my voice. I will NEVER forgive these people. Beware evangelical Christians or religious people of any ilk. Their hearts are full of malice and cruel judgement! The sooner these people are seen for what they are the better
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Rafaela Sabchuca
7/10/2018 07:03:55 am
My first serious-to-be (if I am able to say it) relationship was with a chilean guy (I am brazilian), at distance. He was Christian, he was born again, but he had Asperger. I believe both his reasonable part and his disease contributed to this. One of his college mates told me he wasn't all he said to be. His speech was perfect, taking off the fact of being an Aspie. On December 31st, 2017, after four long months, he simply left me. *Thanks God*. He told me lots of lies, I would consider it sophistry. Brainwashing. Toxic relationship. Then, I came here. Now, emotional rape for me was something that I thought that I myself invented, but no. Waking up somedays feeling physically raped was just a psychossomatic event. All at distance.
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Cindy
12/1/2017 05:01:48 am
Yes I was emotionally raped by the man who was my husband. Big hot shot engineer with his own assets but married me for my inheritance. I went into a long severe suicidal depression when with him and he basically walked out when I was sick. It was my psych md who told me he had npd
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Danny
1/23/2018 05:28:56 am
I was targeted by a man who wanted a new and steady supley of drugs by stealing my pain pills and convinsing me to buy the best kind he knew of off the streets.I was completly gullible and knew nothing of that lifestyle. Manipulated me into snorting my pain pills because it was so much better that way.He drained me of my money,my home,my job,my friends and nearly my family. Not only by addicting me to drugs but abusing me and making sure I was too afraid and emotionaly dependent on him.He would harasse me at work by calling and showing up at all hours. Threatenened suicide while I was hosting my sons first birthday party, i speed home to find a plastic bag over his head n a cord wrapped around his neck..and he knew i was only 15 minutes away from him.Physicaly abused me and would diminish my pain that he caused by it by saying I exagerated or he didnt beat me bloody so its not the same thing.If I was away from him my anxiety would rise sky high and I wouldnt be able to sleep at night.It took years but I was able to walk away.The sick thing is everytime he would come back into my life,I gave him a small door way and within a matter of weeks be able to have the same level of control on me as once before..but he would always get worse with how he would torment me emotionaly and manipulate me.6 years of having him in and out of my life,including stalking me if he couldnt find me. Im so damaged that I refuse to make new friends in fear of being used and have little respect for myself because of what I allowed to happen. Maybe one day I will heal from this but it isnt happening anytime soon. He will be released from jail in just a couple months and I pray I have the streangth to not give in to him.
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Jdb
9/2/2018 01:41:07 am
I don’t even know where to begin... 15 years, 2 children, and 2 years into the most insane divorce, emotional rape is the only way I can describe what I’ve been through.. My narcopath ex was so covert and subtle in her sadistic abuse, and i was so controlled an gaslighted I didn’t know what hit me when she finally executed her exit plan to end the relationship (to be with her new boyfriend who was a friend of ours, a co worker of hers, and who I now realize she was cheating on me with for possibly 3-4 years before we broke up, during which time I suspected something was going on, but I didn’t know who with, and of course she denied (and still denies) she was ever cheating on me. She broke up once, years ago with me, by contacting a mutual friend of ours who was a family lawyer, saying she wanted help splitting up with me, and leaving the communication open on our family computer so I would see it and react negatively to it.. she then realized that she wasn’t going to get the financial settlement she wanted based on prior agreements we had, so she contacted another lawyer and began her campaign of gaslighting and crazy making character assassination in the background while telling me she wanted to work things out.. (which meant get me into see couples counselors and provoke emotional outbursts from me by blame shifting, viciously criticizing, and projecting every negative thing that had ever happene happened on me, as she was perfect and everything was my fault. She sabotaged 3 great jobs I had by constantly making constant, emotionally manipulative demands of me (always accusing me neglecting her or the kids in favor of my job, which was totally untrue in retrospect) demanding I pay for all the bills, and household expenses, because I was making so much more money than her, which I did, but later found out she had been lying about how much the govt child tax credit we were getting actually was (said it was 50$ when it was actually 200$ which she pocketed the difference) and then criticized me for not being able keep a job.. (my employers cited my conflicted personal professional responsibilities for the reason I was laid off) When she was finally done with me(when she got the great job, started working late, going out with work colleagues for dinners and drinks regularly and no doubt cheating on me regularly while I was home taking care of the kids) the crazy making campaign started, all to get me out of the house, so she could establish control over the house and the kids to use against me in the divorce (leverage to get what she wanted) it became clear she had started her smear campaign years before with her family, friends, and coworkers.. she then employed private investigators to hack my phone, computer, follow me, harass me by letting me know they were following me, then lied she was doing it (it was probably her attorney’s who hired them) came after me with false reports about me being dangerous to her and to my kids, no doubt involving the police at one point who came to my home for a false home alarm call while we were nesting with our kids (the home alarm never went off but they threatened to charge me with a huge fine if it happened again, something I later learned would never be done) .. her lawyer constantly made reference to things that were discussed via phone of private discussion in my house, or things that were done together with the kids (going to bed late, feeding them take out food, letting them play too many video games) which led me to believe she was filming me in the house the whole time we were sharing it.. and frankly the list goes on and on.. 2 years worth of pure insanity, the whole time calling me crazy , paranoid, delusional because I suspected something was happening, but of course she was the victim the whole time.. the worst was when she didn’t get anything she wanted, she continued her campaign of harassment, I’m guessing claiming the kids were in a dangerous situation because of my mental instability, until it became so bad I was unable to keep taking the kids for out shared custody schedule.. then the fun really began.. now she’s getting the tax credits of two dépendant kids, the full tax credit from the govt, she is squeezing me for money for child support (which she should be paying in a shared custody situation) in order not to take me to court again, she’s introduced our friend/her boyfriend to the kids as their step father, she’s gotten to my friends and family about how I’m a deadbeat dad, who’s psychotic, (they believe her story because she’s an amazing actress and it’s the easier one to believe) and she has destroyed my life... all because I believe it’s fun for her, and she needs to maintain control over me at all possible costs.. and now I’m struggling to put my life back together after I have literally lost everything except for the love of my kids who
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Em
11/17/2018 12:06:49 am
Same thing happened to me, my ex is currently trying to take full custody of my 5 year old son whom I've taken care of since birth while he worked on the road. The narccist want everything including making me pay for supervised visitations 9 hours a week at $50/hour all so he can have control, tax credits, and child support from me. He's a drug manufacturer and dealer, always breaking the law and police don't help, they just make things worse.
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NYPD
9/24/2018 01:12:30 am
I was raped by a former police officer. No one would help me. I have been gaslighted for the past 20 years. I’ve turned to the church and the gym I trust pretty much no one.
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Man Of GOD
8/21/2019 08:51:05 pm
I Definately Have and Still Is. My Child Is Bein Used As A Puppeterring Act. My Mother Almost Died Aswell As I did During This Abuse. And Now My Reacting To It Is Bein Used As Ammo To Do More Against Me. It is bad for emotional abuse or Narcicism for anybdy..bt it is worse when ur a man bcse society doesnt acknowledge it and ur called weak emotional or not a man if u speak on it so ur voice is taken aswell.
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Jenny
10/17/2019 02:04:25 am
I was emotionally raped by low income housing support workers for the last 6 years. When I first was a resident, I was such a beautiful and healthy young woman. I worked so hard trying to make the place better. I never realized how much the workers hated me. The called me sunshine and little miss perfect. I never realized that they meant it spitefully. I fought for 10 years after a car accident and horrific childhood abuse to become the healthiest I have ever been...and I felt so beautiful. Within six years the support workers abused me, gas lighted me, sexually harassed and abused me, until I ended up forced onto meds against my will and was completely raped mentally and physically. I ended up, in 2018, lighting my property on fire inside my apartment and am now likely going to end up in jail. I did it because they made me homeless for fighting back against a worker who sexually groped me - I filed lawsuit against them and won, but they won't stop harassing me. They enjoy tormenting me so much that it is terrifying - they are psychopaths with credibility, and I am nothing but a tool for their ego masturbation. I have come to believe that most people in authority are absolutely psychotic with extremely few exceptions. My abusers think they are strong and powerful ...these are delusions of grandeur. The truth is this: they are the mentally disabled...the weak...the most vile examples of humanity that could ever exist. They are everything that I never ever want to be.
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Jam199
10/23/2019 03:54:31 pm
I met this woman via twitter and from the beginning she was a little strange. She was obsessed with my name and I found her weird but I took it as compliment and thanked her. When I posted my selfie for the first time she sent me a comment and when she found out I was sick with cancer- she would say things like I care so much about you and etc which I didn’t even expect from her back then. So I was a little surprised. She was married but her husband works in Canada most of the time. I knew she was very mentally unstable because I could tell she was suffering from serious inferiority complex she often told me her self-esteem is very low and she also told me she was in mental hospital when she was a teen. but I didn’t want to discriminate anyone against their illness as I have cancer. so I wanted to help her by encouraging her more and I did. I sent her helpful words, pictures, and so forth, so that she would feel better about herself. Eventually I developed some kind of feelings for her. she did say a lot of nice things to me and I didn’t understand why she was nice to me even though she is married. I thought she was being genuine and she even said “I care about you sincerely” even when I had no particular feelings for her. Eventually I realized she was emotionally cheating on her husband with me and I felt so disgusted, but suddenly she said ‘one day, she is going to come and visit me.’ I live in USA and she lives in Switzerland. I was deeply confused but also happy and I foolishly thought she actually fell in love with me. so when she started calling me pet names I decided to tell her how I feel. When I did tell her how I felt - only then she suddenly acted like a totally different person. She said she doesn’t feel that way about me at all!! what kind of person play with another person’s emotions like this? I was so appalled at her fucked up behaviour. I read many books and I realized she only wanted the attention I was feeding her because her husband would not compliment on her the way I did. what kinda fucked person does this to a cancer patient? she is a nurse by her profession and many times she said to me that I should believe in healing. After I told her how I felt and she denied - I saw her posting picture of her husband all of sudden which she never did before, as she used to complain all the time that her and husband’s relationship changed and she was very bitter. My parents was very abusive and my cancer developed when I was just 20, I just can’t believe someone would do this to a sick person while acting like she’s some kind of healer. I try so hard to get over this but it’s not easy. I have never met such fucked up person like her.
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Jam199
10/23/2019 03:56:20 pm
I met this woman via twitter and from the beginning she was a little strange. She was obsessed with my name and I found her weird but I took it as compliment and thanked her. When I posted my selfie for the first time she sent me a comment and when she found out I was sick with cancer- she would say things like I care so much about you and etc which I didn’t even expect from her back then. So I was a little surprised. She was married but her husband works in Canada most of the time. I knew she was very mentally unstable because I could tell she was suffering from serious inferiority complex she often told me her self-esteem is very low and she also told me she was in mental hospital when she was a teen. but I didn’t want to discriminate anyone against their illness as I have cancer. so I wanted to help her by encouraging her more and I did. I sent her helpful words, pictures, and so forth, so that she would feel better about herself. Eventually I developed some kind of feelings for her. she did say a lot of nice things to me and I didn’t understand why she was nice to me even though she is married. I thought she was being genuine and she even said “I care about you sincerely” even when I had no particular feelings for her. Eventually I realized she was emotionally cheating on her husband with me and I felt so disgusted, but suddenly she said ‘one day, she is going to come and visit me.’ I live in USA and she lives in Switzerland. I was deeply confused but also happy and I foolishly thought she actually fell in love with me. so when she started calling me pet names I decided to tell her how I feel. When I did tell her how I felt - only then she suddenly acted like a totally different person. She said she doesn’t feel that way about me at all!! what kind of person play with another person’s emotions like this? I was so appalled at her fucked up behaviour. I read many books and I realized she only wanted the attention I was feeding her because her husband would not compliment on her the way I did. what kinda fucked person does this to a cancer patient? she is a nurse by her profession and many times she said to me that I should believe in healing. After I told her how I felt and she denied - I saw her posting picture of her husband all of sudden which she never did before, as she used to complain all the time that her and husband’s relationship changed and she was very bitter. My parents was very abusive and my cancer developed when I was just 20, I just can’t believe someone would do this to a sick person while acting like she’s some kind of healer. I try so hard to get over this but it’s not easy. I have never met such fucked up person like her.
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He loved me for 4 years and left me for a slight issue that his parents are not willing and that he's bound to them to marry his maternal cousin. Though I suggested him many possible ways to get married to him, but he took advantage of me, of my body, and my feelings and now he doesn't even have time to talk to me for few minutes.
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I was in a great relationship with a amazing women that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I was so happy with the way we were we never had a argument with her she made me feel better about my life and I never thought she would break my heart like the way she did I will admit I felt for her fast but I asked her so many Times if she wants someone else's just tell me and I would not be angry with that because she would have been truthful with me but she made me feel like I was a joke and that everyone was laffing at me and that everyone was in on it but it was just a rotten thing to do with my mind and that was almost 2 years ago and I'm still not over her and now just got over it and a friend of mine who I thought was my friend end up being a girl friend of hers and they got together and put a plan together and tried to get me to use my anger to put me in jail because the first one doesn't want me in the same area as her and she played the second one to do it for her and she end up to being a hooker for two years of her life and some women sound great at first but evil is every where God is going to use his good on me
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Hanna Leah
8/10/2020 12:09:35 am
Although I always had uncomfortable feelings whenever I was near my older narc sister (which wasn't often) I didn't realize I was dealing with narc abuse until much later in life. She and her sidekick, my oldest sister, have stuck together like glue since their childhood. Even though I've tried to express my feelings about the things they've said and done to hurt me, they won't take responsibility for them and they will not give me the apology I need in order to move on and forgive. They betrayed my trust and abandoned me emotionally and now the rest of the family thinks I'm the crazy one and the one to blame for breaking up the family, as dysfunctional as it already was.
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strange soul
9/2/2021 05:19:05 pm
my own father did this to me. I can never forgive him nor will I ever, but I did a lot of self help for myself because therapy cost far too much in my country. And, I still live in his house so he would know and use it against me.
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Curious Healer
4/19/2022 12:42:00 pm
I resonate with this post so much. My father did this to me as well. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. Through my spiritual practice, I have been doing some digging into my psyche and I began to have memories of being sexually assaulted by my father which was very confusing because it never happened either. A voice told me 'He raped you' and I paniceked. Turns out it was emotional rape by my father. He was an evangelical christian as well and I was gay and he HATED that about me. He took advantage of my love for him and manipulated me into silencing my true self for years all because he didn't want his image to be tarnished. He was selfish and manipulative all in the name of religion.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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