Narcissists are typically characterized by having a grandiose sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and several other traits. Many times, though, Narcissists are not outwardly exhibiting these traits to the point of obviousness. Many Narcissists are covert in nature.
Definition
To be covert is to be secretive and stealthy. To go undercover and hide one’s true motives. When discussing Covert Narcissism, it can then be ascertained that a Covert Narcissist is one who obtains his or her goals in a hidden manner while donning a mask of charm and wit.
Why is it insidious?
Covert Narcissism is insidious because of the gradual nature of its cruelty. Narcissists who proceed in a cautious way to achieve their goals will, without a doubt, create a more harmful outcome in their targets. Why? Because the target “won’t see it coming” since the abuse is so systematic and cumulative. The damage will have already been done by that point. That is the Narcissist’s goal – to have their abuse be so gradual that it isn’t detected until it’s too late. That after a while, we become conditioned to accept their treatment of us as normal. Perhaps we deserved it, we may think. Perhaps if we were just more understanding of their busy day, we may think. Narcissists condition us to believe that we are the ones at fault for the abuse. Covert Narcissists are observers by nature. They observe our mannerisms, our rate of speech, even the words we choose. Then, they match all of that. They tend to take on a more subtle approach to their abuse because it is an underhanded way to undermine our confidence and success in life. Covert Narcissists also display a more reserved personality and pretend to be vulnerable to reel you in. They act like the proverbial victim needing to be rescued to appeal to your sense of empathy and willingness to help. Despite their best efforts to remain relatively hidden, Covert Narcissists can give themselves away. Their body language suggests that they have an air of superiority about them – heavy sighs, eye rolling, lack of eye contact, dismissive gestures, and fake yawning. What has been your experience with Covert Narcissists? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
5 Comments
This is my very own birth mother completely. It is by far the most insidious relationship I've ever had in my entire 56 years of life. I was 49 years old before i really realized what she was. I all cut contact with her immediately. I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost 7 years, until today actually. Because of her I've cut all contact with both my sisters and my brother as well. My father was my heart but he passed away 3 years ago. So now I'm free to live my life.
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7/9/2020 08:58:53 pm
Holy shit.
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EmmaJane
3/12/2021 09:20:16 am
My ex husband to the letter...in particular he played the wounded victim...he was born with a hair lip n cleft palette...he was bullied very badly growing up so he became the bully...but oh how he played the victim very well ppl inc me felt sorry for him...just a henious trap now me with lifelong scars deeper than any ocean.
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Brenda Poling
4/21/2021 11:12:28 am
I thought I had found the man of my dreams. After 25 years in a mentally abusive marriage, I thought no one would want me. But then I met HIM. He was charming, well traveled, intelligent and sexy. He was my Prince Charming. We were engaged in one month, one day, from our first chat. I thought I was in Heaven.
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Neil Holmes
12/7/2021 07:16:45 am
I really need some advice because I have no idea how to proceed. I was in an 18 year relationship with a covert narcissist/psychopath. There is no way to tell a concise version of what happened. The following is the best I can do. When I meet her I was sexually inexperienced and naive (due to a religious upbringing and a very controlling mother who has displayed many of the traits associated with overt narcissism). At the start of the relationship she told me that she had been raped when she was 13 and it was her first sexual experience and she had not healed from it and that was the reason for her (supposedly) low sex drive (and also the reason for her apparent (but entirely faked) sexual inexperience). We rarely had sex and there was the same negative reaction from her after we did. She would scream abuse at me afterwards, telling me how she was going to sleep with other guys and describing in great detail what she was going to do with them. She would keep going with that abuse until she got any sort of angry reaction from me (which she did get as I was also massively frustrated and confused, and after being abused regularly also angry). This carried on for 18 years. I waited and waited in the hope that she would someday heal and we could have a normal sexlife. Except she had already been doing her healing (if she was raped at all). Whilst keeping that facade up she was regularly sleeping with other men. And not just any other men. They were all people I knew. Some from places I worked. But mostly 'friends'.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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