Before my NX, I hadn’t even thought there was such a thing as financial abuse. But financial abuse is one of the very real results of being with a Narcissist and is more common than you think.
My NX wasn’t full-on using every aspect of financial abuse. It was just enough though to where I felt pressured to comply out of fear. Fear that he’d retaliate if I said no. His usage of financial abuse was subtle enough that no one would bat an eyelash if I complained.
By definition According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, “financial abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship.” As with my NX, some forms of financial abuse may be subtle enough to not be noticed by outsiders. Signs As stated, the signs of financial abuse can be quite subtle. The Women’s Law website asks several thought provoking questions that ask women to think about how they are being treated financially. Questions they pose:
While my NX did not show all the above signs, he did manage to exhibit a few of them. When he and I first got together, he convinced me to have a joint checking account. I had my own when we first met, so he convinced me to add him onto my account, “so it’ll be easier to pay bills.” The most damaging aspect of financial abuse for me was having him “help” me max out my credit cards. I had two credit cards back then – one with a $3,000 limit and the other with a $10,000 limit. When he and I were first split and heading for divorce, he found a way to convince me to return. (He used emotional manipulation saying my then 18-month old daughter “needs her mommy.”) So in early 2008, I returned. Not long after that, I conceived my son. From that point on, everything was “for the kids.” He’d say, “Don’t you want to buy that for the kids?” or “Don’t you think the kids would love this?” or even “This is for the kids, don’t be such a penny pincher.” By the time he discarded me in May 2010, my credit cards were both maxed out. He then made it my responsibility to pay them off! After only a few months, I couldn’t handle the financial stress of only having one part time job and not being able to pay all my bills. I chose to pay rent, child support and my phone bill. My credit was ruined. (I am slowly rebuilding my credit now, though.) My NX never prevented me from working, per se. When I became stressed at my one job, he said, “Well, just quit then.” And guess what I did? Then, he was all about saying things like “my money” and “my paycheck.” How financial abuse made me feel Financial abuse can make a survivor feel trapped. Trapped and unable to survive on your own. Yup, I felt that way. Narcissists want us to feel like we can’t survive on our own. That’s why they do what they do. They want us to fall flat on our faces. I struggled to stay afloat. I couldn’t pay my bills. I wondered how I’d ever be able to stop treading water! Even now, I’m barely surviving. I live paycheck to just before paycheck. I felt (and still feel) like he knew what he was doing. He wants me to fail so that he can turn and say, “See? You’re a failure and everyone knows it.” I wish I knew enough to get a better job so that I could have saved up money on the side. But I remember feeling so lost. I couldn’t think straight. I had NO idea what I was doing when he discarded me. I wish I knew enough to get a secured credit card from my bank. But again, I felt so lost. My thoughts were so clouded. I was just “going through the motions.” Rebuilding your life Rebuilding your life after financial abuse is a difficult task at best, but it can be done. If your credit was negatively impacted because of what your NX put you through, don’t panic. I know for me, it seemed daunting to rebuild. I mean, after all, I couldn’t even get a car loan and I was turned down for a credit card. On the plus side, I did get approved for a credit card that is designed to help rebuilt credit. My score has climbed back up a little. I know it’ll take time, but I am on my way. If you can, get some kind of loan from your financial institution. If you are in the market for a new car, getting a car loan MIGHT be a way for you to begin rebuilding your credit. But because my debt to income ratio was high, I was turned down. But don’t let my experience deter you from trying whatever avenues you can. Car loans and credit cards are two great ways to begin rebuilding your credit and your life. What have been your experiences with financial abuse? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
2 Comments
Agnes
4/17/2017 03:48:05 am
Thank you for the article. I have benn left with nothing. Starting again with nothing and mental health issues. Everyday is like swimming in treacle...
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Jenn
4/19/2017 05:57:48 am
Agnes.......I know how it feels to start over with nothing. You will get there. Just keep hanging in there. Do the best you can. And if some days, all you can do is stay home and watch TV, then that's okay too. Sometimes that's what it takes to survive. Just take little steps forward every day. You've got this!
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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