Have the Narcissists ever told you that you are making something out to be bigger than it is? Have the Narcissists ever told you that you’re overreacting? What the Narcissists are doing is minimizing your experiences. They are saying that what you feel doesn’t matter. It’s not a big deal, they say. Minimizing is a big deal, actually, and it is a form of control.
Narcissists are all about maintaining power and control over you. One of the ways they achieve this is by minimizing your concerns - both about the abuse and about other relationship concerns. Now, we all “blow things out of proportion” sometimes, but what makes minimizing so abusive is its habitual nature. The Narcissists use this tactic on a daily basis!
Why minimizing works Minimizing works as a form of control because Narcissists strive to keep their overinflated image of themselves intact. They work aggressively to conceal their true nature, so employing the use of minimization keeps that mask up. They don’t want anyone finding out who and what they are! Narcissists will use this manipulation tactic to twist the truth into their own version of the truth. They make molehills out of mountains. They are trying to turn something into a lesser of a big deal than it is. For example: Say you approach the Narcissist with an issue that you feel must be addressed. It is of utmost importance. You want to tell the Narcissist that what he or she said to you truly hurt your feelings. The Narcissists looks at you dumbfounded and says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re being such a drama queen.” The Narcissist is denying the action to shut down the discussion. What about when Narcissists do admit to abuse? Well, they make it out to be not such a big deal. They say, “Well, I only hit you because you hit me first. Besides, I barely touched you.” Or they might say, “I only emotional abused you because you were emotionally abusing me.” They make excuses for their behavior. They minimize the effects that behavior actually has on you. They tell you, “What are you crying for? Don’t be such a baby. What I said wasn’t THAT bad.” What continual minimization does The habitual nature of Narcissists minimizing their actions, causes the victims to truly lose their grasp on reality. The victims are denied the reality of what occurred. “The more serious incident he denies, the more her grip on reality can start to slip. And if outsiders start to notice her instability, the abuser can use their observations to persuade them that her revelations of abuse by him are fantasies.”
The minimizing is like the slow drip of a kitchen faucet that is never fixed. Narcissists slowly drip out their abuse on a daily basis, sometimes for years and years. And outsiders never know.
Until….. The Narcissists are ready for the final discard. That is when they will make one final minimizing comment or action. Usually in front of outsiders. And thar she blows, basically. This gives the Narcissists the ultimate front seat to the victim’s meltdown. The victim will give a grossly disproportionate response to the Narcissist’s comment or action. The Narcissist then can calmly point out to the outsiders and say, “See? I told you she was crazy.” Bottom line Narcissists don’t want to answer for what they did. It’s a way to disguise any malicious intent behind their actions. You feel what occurred was a huge deal. They feel it wasn’t a big deal. That is turning a mountain into a molehill. Making a big thing into a smaller thing. Have you experienced minimizing? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
5 Comments
2/27/2017 02:04:28 pm
My husband told me that it's not his fault if I bruise easily!!...& said he only hit me with a stick not a large pole!..he rewrote history because I know what happened,I was always too sensertive, he threatened me with boiling water & said , it's no big deal because I would not have done it!!...was psychotic & blamed me for leaving him when he needed me most, not a care in the world that he terrified me!!
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Jenn
2/27/2017 09:00:29 pm
Pam.....I am sorry that you endured what you did. I do hope you are out of that situation now and on a good healing path. Narcissists and other toxic people deflect and minimize their abusive behaviors so easily. It's like second nature to them. If you haven't already, stop in at my Facebook page of the same name.....just click the "F" icon at the top of this page. I post lots of informative things there too. Take care.
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Kate
5/25/2017 11:32:13 am
He often would use minimization tell me that my issues weren't valid, but his, of course, where very valid. But he also loved to tell me what emotion I was having. "You're so angry, I can't talk to you when you are this way.", when I was confused and asked him why he did a certain thing. When I told him that to tell me what I was feeling was not appropriate and that it upset me when he did that only served to make him do at every opportunity. He got a sick satisfaction out of causing me to be confused and frustrated by my inability to get my point across to him. So I finally stopped reacting to him at all.... total grey rock...and it flipped him out.
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Julianna
7/1/2017 10:02:12 am
Kate......I hated that the NX would tell me what I was thinking or feeling. It's like we can never have our own thoughts. They need to control everything. If I said it was black, he'd say no it was white. He had to contradict everything I said. While I did all the child rearing when I was still with him, he still found himself to be the authority when it came to parenting. If I said something to my eldest, the ex would turn around and say different, and the child would go back to doing what I said she couldn't. The ex would undermine everything I ever did. He'd think I was mad about something and tell me exactly what your ex said to you....."I can't talk to you when you are like that." And of course, I took the bait and said, "Like what?" Which led him to say what he thought was wrong with me. UGH!
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Alusha
2/21/2018 04:52:55 am
I have found out my husband has been having an affair. I unfortunately discovered all the texts. He has ended it (or maybe she has) but only because he got caught.
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