"You are like two different people."
It was something my friend once said to me. It really made me reflect on her statement. And I realized that she was right! I really was like two different people when I was with my Narcissistic-Ex (NX).
In fact, that's how many survivors feel. If you are post-Narc looking back on your relationship, something will click inside of you and you'll realize that you were one person in his presence and an entirely different person when he was literally not around.
I first noticed this difference when my friend and I took our children out for a playdate (her with her son, and me with my two children) at a playground near her apartment on post. While I was pushing my son on a swing, she turned to me and made her observation. At the time, my NX was deployed. She got to see me live life without him around. Literally. As she and I talked, it became crystal clear....I wasn't on edge or looking over my shoulder. I was able to live how I saw fit. I was without shackles. Nothing to keep me subservient. After that discussion, my friend had also been witness to how I acted in the presence of my NX. I was meek, agreed to whatever was said, and I rarely if ever made eye contact with anyone. He barked orders, I would comply. If I dared to protest, my friend noticed how my NX gave me an icy stare. If I laughed, he'd want to know why. However, when it was just myself and my friend spending time together, I would be a completely different person. Like who I was before the NX. I was full of laughter, silly, I wasn't afraid to vocalize my thoughts or opinions on stuff. I didn't have to hide. You seemed happier while he was away. When I met you I could tell that something was "off" but I couldn't quite place it. Even after I found out that he was deployed, it just didn't make sense. Then when he came home, I watched a person who handled 2 children and a household alone suddenly become timid. You went from being strong and quirky to acting as though you walked on egg shells.
You see, that's the thing. I had to hide who I really was. My NX used to tell me, "Act your age. You're not a child." So, I learned to silence myself when I was in his presence. The more I did that, the more subservient I became. I felt like one of those Avoxes in the Hunger Games movies. You know what I'm talking about. When Katniss meets an Avox and learns that the person has had his or her tongue cut out for being a rebel and going against the Capitol. I felt that exact same way. I felt like I couldn't speak in my NX's presence, for if I did, I would be punished. So, I rarely talked. I felt like an Avox.
But now, I'm with someone who listens, someone who wants to hear my thoughts and opinions, someone who doesn't think my thoughts are ridiculous, someone who loves to laugh and be silly too. I am very grateful for the second chance at life, sort to speak. Have you felt like two different people when you were with the Narcissist? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
*The name of my friend has been changed to protect her identity.
4 Comments
Clairemarie
10/10/2016 09:16:27 pm
I think I was a different person with the NX too. One thing you said made me laugh in recognition! He used to shame me by telling me I was so childish....acted like a five year old. He couldn't understand playing or being silly or joyful. Now I'm hoping to regain my lost sense of joy...!
Reply
Jenn
10/12/2016 05:55:57 am
Clairemarie......I have faith that you will regain your sense of joy. That's what happens after the NX. We find ourselves again. We reconnect with who we were before the NX. My NX hated that I was goofy and silly. He thought I was acting like a child. Narcissists cannot stand to see us happy.....they need to take us down several levels, so that we're feeling low and unwanted.
Reply
10/12/2016 10:57:51 am
Thanks Jenn for your comment! Yes...I do want my joy back! You're right---this man couldn't stand to see me bubbly and happy. He acted like an old man and he used to yell at me to act in some mythical way that would please him. He wanted me to act like a "crone." Yikes...I refused! I really never related this to Narcissism before so I appreciate your remarks. I used to try to make him happy and for a while I think I succeeded. He had a miserable childhood and I guessed that that's why he hated anything childlike.
Jenn
12/7/2016 09:03:03 pm
Clairemarie.....You're welcome. Narcissists tear people down. They get their "high" from it. Your bubbly and happy nature acted like a repellent, sort to speak. Narcissists despise it when we refuse their tactics, especially when we begin to see them for what they are and don't play their game. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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