All domestic violence survivors have been blamed for the abuse countless times by their abusers. So much so, that the survivors begin to believe that they are the cause of what’s happened to them. Even once they are out of the situation, their own brain continues this cycle of self-blame. What is self-blame and what are ways that survivors can overcome it?
What is self-blame?
Self-blame is the inner cognitive process we undergo when the abuser continually turns situations around and blames us for everything. The abusers will use their actions, their words and their abuse and day in and day out, will drive it into our brains that we are at fault for what happens – that we are to blame for the reason they are abusing us. We absorb this and we internalize it. We begin to think that the abuser is right. We think, “Maybe I did cause this and maybe I did lead them to abuse me.” We blame ourselves for what happened. Why we feel it We feel the self-blame because of the continual nature of the abuser driving it into our brains that we are at fault. We take on their wrongs, their abuse and internalize it as our own. According to Psychology Today, “blame leads to shame and, in the context of self-blame, that means self-shaming. Taking on responsibility that is not our own can not only paralyze us, but drag us down into the inertia of self-devaluation. If we are not perfect, we must be something else: something less than.” And that’s exactly what the abusers want us to feel. Less than. Because in their eyes, we are less than them. They want us to feel bad about ourselves and the more they turn the blame onto us, the more we believe they are right. We are conditioned to believe that we brought what happened to us upon ourselves. How do we overcome this way of thinking? Ways to overcome it For a long time, I internalized the blame and took on the responsibility of what happened to me. I thought I deserved it. I used self-blame as a coping mechanism to help me survive my situation while I was still in it, and even in the months following. And quite honestly, for years afterwards. Below are some ways I began to overcome the self-blame.
How survivors can see themselves for who they really are While we are in the midst of our situations and even for quite a bit of time afterwards, it’s extremely difficult to see ourselves for who we really are. We lost ourselves within these relationships. We don’t know up from down. Our identities were essentially stolen from us. How can we possibly see ourselves in any other way other than how the abusers saw us? But it is possible! It will just take time and patience. Domestic violence changes us. There’s no denying that fact. We will never be the same people we were before the abuse happened. However, that will not stop us from becoming the best versions of who we are now. These experiences will make us stronger and wiser. Some may think these experiences would harden our hearts when in fact, we actually become even more caring and supportive. Yes, we see the world through different eyes now. But, that doesn’t mean we need to become jaded people who feel hatred in our hearts or who question the motives of others. Yes, we may proceed with caution with new endeavors. But, you will begin to see that you are all amazing individuals who are strong, caring, smart, and capable. You are survivors! Shahida Arabi lists five ways that survivors can practice self-care to heal and express themselves, “enabling us to channel our crisis into our transformation.” This transformation will help us into rediscovering who we really are.
The Hotline said it best when they wrote, “Experiencing and surviving abuse can have such a profound impact on a person’s mind, body and soul. But there’s something quite unique about being broken: you are strong, resilient and one of a kind.” What have been your experiences with overcoming self blame? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
2 Comments
Pauline Hughes
10/8/2022 04:08:45 pm
I want to Thank you so much for your Facebook page. It helped me recognize what I have been dealing with for 28 years. I'm trying to escape him, but after years of manipulation I have no friends and I'm astranged from most of my siblings. I'm so grateful for your Facebook page and others like it. God Bless you and yours always.
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David Hunt
12/19/2022 07:16:33 pm
WOW you wrote about my life for the last 23 years
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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