Lovebombing. A Narcissist's first weapon to reel us in. It is their first line of attack in waging war against us. This guest post explores what happens when Narcissists lovebomb us.
This is not as simple as it seems, since what the narcissist will say when love bombing may also be said by a sincere, normal guy. However, the wording, timing, and motivation are very, very different.
Get this....a narcopath love bombs to get INSTANT GRATIFICATION since getting supply a primary motivation, and love bombing gets them that, right? I remember that sense of awe and wonder when I was love bombed. Part of the love bombing was “mirroring”....my NX learned all about me and became very much like that...interests, politics, faith, values, hopes and dreams. Now, lets face a fact. NOBODY FALLS IN LOVE IN A FEW DATES, or a week, or even two. Nope. Love that is love takes time. You have to get to know the person and know them well. You need experience with them in a variety of situations to really know them. Knowing their friends and family helps a lot, too. Love begins from a developing appreciation of who and what the person is. Love does NOT imagine perfection. Love bombing does. We all have flaws and faults. We've all done stupid things we regret and are embarrassed about. That's life, and any grown up adult man will know and accept that about you. No, you don't HAVE to reveal all that. If you do, to a narcissist, he will use it against you. Personally, after a while, when were becoming serious, told my beloved EVERYTHING stupid I'd ever done that I could remember, and believe me, there was a lot to tell, but I knew she'd be OK with that because she'd had a disastrous marriage to “Mr. Perfect”, and so....now was happy with an imperfect guy who treated her like gold. Another thing....since we got to know each other extremely well, she could see from what I said how much I'd changed over the years of my marriage to my NX. I was never unfaithful and it was family first with me. Time....time is the foe of love bombing because the narcopath needs that instant gratification from you (and others) so GRADUAL is not in the cards for him. Love bombing is romantic overkill, not a reasonable assessment of the person's character and values, nor even a natural attraction, physical or personal. It's a fantasy situation without caution or balance. It's based on DECEPTION, not appreciation. And, so, it's temporary. A normal romance is an unfolding appreciation of someone who may be able a long term, even permanent, partner who stands beside you as an equal. Love bombing is a quest for control. It's the very same tactic used by cults and it's object is the same....to make you a devoted disciple. A normal relationship creates a space for both of you to grow and flourish, and find their deeper self. Love bombing creates an instant and captive source of supply. Besides, narcissists have NO real self. They only have a False Self which is based on the image they can get others to believe, and notice that this is a serious part of love bombing...that he seems “perfect”. Love bombing is an extreme and lavish show of gifts, attention, extraordinary levels of praise and affection FOR THE TIME you've been together. Love bombing is a blitz attack because the “need to feed” is profound in a narcissist. The idea is to sweep you away before you can catch your breath and get your feet on the ground, and it's like entering an alternate universe. Because the narcissist is an empty shell, being without supply is almost like dying inside, since it's the only thing that gives them reality. I once told my NX that she should drop the constant pretense and just be herself. In an unguarded moment, she said, “I have no idea who I am”. She meant that she only exists in the minds of others and not within herself. So, she put up a false and highly grandiose self for others to see. And, that being the case, the need for supply is constant, to avoid a feeling of emptiness. So, love bombing occurs in the part of the narcissistic cycle called “idealization”...that's what love bombing is. This will be followed by devaluation and abuse, and then, the discard. Now, a thoughtful person, when they meet someone they really like, is careful so as to not hurt themselves or the other person. Let me contrast what the narcissist does and says when love bombing, with what a normal person would do. When my wife and I first met, I expressed appreciation for her time and told her I really enjoyed being with her.....that I appreciated her cooking....that this dress looks very becoming on her....that I thought we had similar tastes in movies (but not necessarily books), that I could tell she was a “family first” person, and I noticed, and commented on, her kindness and considerateness to others. Notice I was DESCRIBING THINGS SHE DOES as specific personal qualities. What I DID NOT say was that she was the most amazing person I'd ever met, that I was in love with her, that we were soul mates, or that no one understood me like she did, that she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever met, that I wanted to marry her.....and the like. However, and here's where timing comes in. A year later, and two years later, I DID say things that were very loving and romantic, but never have there been expressions of her perfection. That would not only be untrue, it would make her very uncomfortable. We love each other just the way we are, warts and all, and BTW, love is like that. My words were SPECIFIC COMPLIMENTS and also, I think, things she knew about herself. I was telling her I noticed and appreciated them, and what I said was sensible, given the time involved. Now, of course, I do tell her how much I love her, but it has no ulterior motive. It's just an expression of love, pure and simple and I don't expect to gain anything....certainly not supply....from saying so. I said at the beginning that I might indeed say something like what a narcissist would say, but it was a matter of wording, timing, and motive. My wording was never extreme and lavish. It was specific and amounted to noticing her good qualities. Timing....well, what I said at 1 or 2 years I would not have said at 1 week or 2 months. And, motive....I was seeking NOTHING in return. I am struck with the fact that for me, it's my now wife's happiness that matters to me most of all, more than anything in the world. For the narcissist, it is HIS happiness that matters most of all. The motives of two such people could not possibly be different, and the outcomes of a relationship with both will be entirely different, as my now wife, and I, know quite well. We were both love bombed. Our exes left, then hoovered us with love bombing to get taken back. We fell for it because it FELT SO GOOD at the moment. I think it is very much like drugs. I feel sure, that crack makes you feel good at the moment, and I feel just as sure that love bombing likely triggers pleasure centers in the brain, just like drugs, and I think love bombing is easily as addictive as drugs, and can be just as hard to get off of. That's why I think victims feel this gnawing need for the narcissist after he's gone, and why hoovering works.....you're getting a hit of love bombing again and it feels just as good. Getting away from a narc takes a lot of discipline, and toleration of feelings of withdrawal to boot. But, it's oh so worth it. You will have love again, but this time, you'll be smarter. You can do this.
**This blog was reprinted with permission from Soulmates in Hell and was originally published on September 10, 2015.
1 Comment
Susan M. Vale, MSW, MS
7/8/2018 02:12:13 am
just broke up with a man who I met on a dating site. We were together constantly for weeks until he had to go back East for a previously planned 6 week trip to his summer home in IL. Just prior to meeting me, he had been dropped by a woman he was dating for approx. 5 months. We had a whirlwind romance ("I love you's" and all) that included his inviting me to meet his family at a wedding in August in Texas. He had even bought my airline ticket. Upon arriving in IL, he called this woman behind my back (despite telling me before leaving town he was sure he did not want to date anyone else and only wanted to be with me) to say he was back in the area. He justified making the call to me by saying he needed to know the real reason why she dropped him. Consequently, they have reconciled or as he put it "at least for the moment". He believes that they still "like each other's company and have things in common like being raising in farming communities and also because their spouses died within days of each other". Okay, now for the Narc piece. I was totally Love Bombed by this man and feel that I have been emotionally raped by him. The definition fits my situation to a T. and how I am feeling as a result has made me feel as though he took a sword and has sliced me into through my core. This man is extremely intelligent and has a lot to offer someone or so it appeared when we met for the first time. Yet, on our first date, he told me that he "liked my dress", but "I don't like the makeup". Moreover, he actually told me on one of our last dates that if I didn't put my lipstick away, he wouldn't take a picture of us together. I put it away and when he took the picture, reapplied my lipstick. As a retired psychiatric social worker and formerly licensed therapist, I picked up on a lot of things and saw a lot of what was coming but not the full-frontal verbal attack that came the other night during which I found myself on the defense with him verbally attacking me about being the problem because of my medical issues. (By the way, not only did he fail, but I caused him to go into a mode of full retreat.) I have observed the existence of his poor self-image emerging more and more as we spent more time together along with an even stronger desire to control me through Love Bombing and other behaviors. As a result, I treaded lightly as his moods would change. I now also see how truly serious his need for mental health services really is. Although I am feeling somewhat broken as a result of the intensity of what has happened I am also grateful that I had the ability within me that enabled me to be strong enough to walk away. Please know that your comments here were so helpful to me! You described my former boyfriend so well I thought I could see him doing the exact things you described right in front of me. Blessings to you and to all who read this blog.
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