You found the love of your life. Things seem great…for a while. Then things began to get edgy. Your love began to devalue you. You aren’t thought of in the same way as when the relationship first began. You begin to feel that how the person is treating you isn’t quite right. You can’t put your finger on it. Then, from what seems like out of nowhere, you are dumped. Discarded like yesterday’s trash. Yet, even after the supposed end of the relationship, the abuse is continuing. So if the relationship is over, why does the abuse still happen? Why does the abuse continue even after the discard?
Why the abuse keeps happening
Narcissists love to have power and control over people. Even after they are discarded. So this stands to reason that they will keep their abuse tactics ongoing for as long as possible. They don’t want to give up their source of supply! You were in their life for one reason, and one reason only. To provide them with attention, adulation, and supply. That supply could even come in the form of you reacting to their abuse tactics. Any reaction at all (good or bad) gives them the “high” that they need. So even when you are discarded, doesn’t mean the abuse is over. On the contrary. Your eternal hell can just be beginning. It’s a cycle with them Everything the Narcissists do is cyclical. Meaning, there are cycles to their behavior. My NX can go for months of ignoring me, then think of something just to contact me. It happens about every 2 months or so. It could be something as simple as asking if I’ll be visiting the children that year. Or it could be an email that contains stinging remarks to keep my spirit down. You see, Narcissists hate when we are on a good healing path. They don’t like to see us happy and thriving. So they do what they must in order to keep that power and control over us. And that means coming back around every so often to ensure that we aren’t healing. Narcissists want to make sure that they stay in our minds. They accomplish this by coming back around every so often. They will never leave you alone. You will always be in their lives in some form or fashion. If they can’t contact you (because you went No Contact) to abuse you, they will abuse you by proxy (as in getting someone else to do it for them). It’s a never-ending rollercoaster with them. They won’t ever let you get off the ride. Why would they? They need the supply like an addict needs a fix. They can’t let go. They need to have multiple sources of supply in order to maintain the grandiose image they hold of themselves. How we can protect ourselves The first thing that comes to mind when I think of protecting myself against my NX is maintaining my healing path. Just stay on course. Keep journaling. Keep attending therapy sessions. Keep posting in your online support communities. Whatever you do on your healing path, keep doing it. As long as we stay on a good healing path, the Narcissists will have more difficulty in tearing us down. We won’t be bothered by what they say or do. Protecting yourself can also mean going full-on No Contact. I discuss that in length in my blog post Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do. Depending on your situation, you may also need to obtain a restraining order or a protection order. Your physical safety should always come first, readers. Bottom line Narcissists continue the abuse even after the discard because they need the supply. They crave it. It’s their life force. They will keep drawing supply from you as long as possible. They will always test your boundaries, to see what you will and will not allow. To see if you can be drawn back into their chaos. Have you experienced the abuse continuing after the discard? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
4 Comments
Raven
5/17/2017 05:56:28 pm
I have a 2 year no contact court ordered protection from abuse. It'll be 1 year in August and I'm concerned about when the 2 years is up. I've moved around a lot since I left him and he has found out my location at least once that I know of and I have since moved again. I want to settle somewhere and stop living out of suitcases. What do I do when the 2 years is up? Can I file for another PFA and what if I don't know his location anymore? He'll never stop looking for me. I know that much.
Reply
Jenn
5/17/2017 07:14:15 pm
Raven...........If you feel unsafe, then you need to do what you feel is best. If that means contacting authorities to try to get another PFA, then that is what you need to do. I wish you the best.
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BuffyTVS
5/18/2017 10:40:00 pm
They will lure you back even after the worst (abnormal) dump in the world, if you're in with a Narcissist, the breakup of your relationship is not a typical split. They will dump you the worst (most poisonously) way possible. Then they will try and make amends, you MUST believe me when I say it is not because they suddenly realize they did wrong, love you, or "realize", other then realize they miss their discard mate. The soulless cannot come back to life, they were dead long ago. If you go back to them, they will be ecstatic, not because of the real meaning of happiness that benefits one who is loved, and the beauty of a nurturing connection, but because it's "a game and they won", and the next dumping plot begins, just to see how much you can take, and be taken again and again, again..... Till hopefully, like me, you've had enough. Because each time the "discard" occurs and you go back, the next one become more severe, and you will become less able to bounce out of it as fast, and it will weaken you, and they will try and break you. If you can get a restraining order, it would be in your best interest. They can never have contact with you ever, unless you have kids, you can still arrange a third party to do kiddo exchanges. Don't even let them see you from a distance, why give them your energy life force, because even being on the same block is way too close, and you are endangering your well-being, they know you well, they will seek your strength and energy to deplete you. Throw away anything that reminds you of them, realize it was all just a show, it really was (sorry), that is so disheartening, but reality is best to help one move on. He NEVER loved me, and he never will ever learn to, they don't even love themselves. I know I deserve love, I will find love, love will find me, love will find us all if we remove ourselves from darkness.
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Julianna
7/1/2017 09:23:02 am
Buffy.........You are right in that the soulless cannot come back to life. They did not suddenly have an epiphany. They did not suddenly realize that they love you. Because they cannot love anyone. They don't know the meaning of the word. They lure us back with promises of change and love. The only thing I will not ever get rid of that holds any reminders of him are photos that are of him with the children.......that is my children's history and will be their decision in the future whether or not to keep those photos. Personally, I'd throw them out, but that would be their choice when they get older. Anyway, you are right in that the Narcs will do their best to break us. They want to see us broken. They want to see us fail. I wish you the best in your healing journey. May you have peace and strength.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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