No matter how much you may want to, it is never a good idea to warn the new supply. Below are several reasons why. Read on.
The Narcissist has already more than likely flaunted their new relationship in front of you (or if you're like me and don't live anywhere near each other, flaunt through the internet). The new person is so much fun, they wholly accept the Narcissist, or she's a "real woman" who doesn't hold him back, or even she "keeps the beast within him" at bay. And so much more. But you know the real person behind the mask. You want to warn the new person.
But don't. Just don't. 1. You've likely already been labeled as the "crazy ex." And if you DID warn the NS, you'd be seen as vindictive, crazy, bitter and jealous. The new person would see you as obsessed with the Narc, which would likely draw them into the Narc even more. 2. Your NX is still lovebombing the new person. So the Narcissist still wooing the new supply and reeling them in. So if you said anything, the new person just wouldn't believe you anyway. "Oh but how could that be true? He's so sweet and loving!" Think of it this way.....If someone came up to you and said how much of a Narc they were to your face while you were just starting to date him, would you believe that person? I know I wouldn't have believed it. Not only would you likely be ridiculed and mocked, but the worst part is that you’d be further invalidated because it’s probable that no one would believe you. You’d inadvertently make yourself appear to be the unstable lunatic your Ex is telling everyone you are.
3. By warning the NS, you are staying wrapped up in the Narc's twisted dramatic game. Stay out of it. Go no contact if you can. Concentrate on your healing and recovery.
Trust me. I know the feeling all too well of wanting to warn the new supply. You are a good person. You want to genuinely help. You are an empath, and that's what empaths do. But the new supply needs to have that epiphany about the Narc just like you did. They needs to see for themselves what the Narcissist truly is. Give it time. I promise you, the Narcissist WILL let the mask slip and the new supply will begin to see for themselves. So if the new supply contacts YOU, then by all means, give them comfort and listen to them. But until that happens (IF that happens), there isn't anything you can (or should) do. But time is against the Narcissist on this one - they WILL end up letting the mask slip because they can't keep up with the illusion of the lies they create. Have you had experience with wanting to warn a new supply? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
12 Comments
Kylee taylort
8/9/2016 04:02:31 pm
I only just last week tried to warn one of his NS via fb..
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Jenn
8/9/2016 09:50:16 pm
Kylee......That seems to be the way with the new supply. It's interesting though she claimed to know about it. I think it was to hide her surprise at first. But her saying you're meddling is almost as if that was coming right from the Narc. But yes, she will find out for herself. I struggle with wanting to tell my ex's new supply. But I know to keep out of it, as it would just make my situation worse.
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J
8/12/2016 08:48:43 am
Yes I always want to warn them all and tell them to run. Guess what I was warned that he was user and I didn't believe it. The first girl he dated after leaving messaged me on fb and wanted to meet and apologize if she interfered. We were separated about a month before he. Dated her but we were not divorced and she was there when he got served w the divorce papers. She was the smarter of the bunch. She left within 3-5 months. The 3rd tried introducing herself after they broke up I said hello but I was not ready to "make friends". His second wife I got to talk to a few times and he didn't like it so that ended w him creating thoughts on her head that I thought I was better than her. And she refused to speak to me anymore. They got divorced and she told me she was pregnant and at that time I tried sharing some info but no, she thought the world of him and believed that I left him because of physical imperfections like a cracked tooth or because of the kind of clothes he liked to wear. Obviously that was not true and now they are back together again. I learned no matter how much we want to "save" them from what we went through they won't listen and it makes me scared to date again.
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Jenn
8/12/2016 09:50:15 am
J.....I understand why you're afraid to date again. It's okay to feel that way. I had fears like that too. Your readiness to date again depends on you. You get decide when you're ready. Our timelines are different and healing takes time. Go as slow as you need to. What a Narc does to us really does take a toll, so it stands to reason that we take as much time to undo what they did. My NX and his NS are supposedly engaged. I know that not matter how much I want to warn her and save her, she will need to figure things out on her own.
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Lucy
12/15/2016 06:26:18 pm
I warned my narcs new supply but she never responded to my message&is now in love lol i worded it very carefully as he was still harassing my sister without any reaction or feedback from either of us for 4 months since i dumped him at this stage so i was sute to tell her he was known to the police for stalking and harassment which he is as i spoke to his ex gf, just in case she told him i contacted her, & even though this idiot has chosen to ignore this lifeline her flying monkey duties on my behalf have ended his harassment of me as indirectly i have let him know i know about his warnings from the cops ie keep harassing me&i'll be calling them next. Either way its a win win. When his mask slips with this gf she will remember my warning that he's messed up&i've put a stop to his harassment oh&also his online dating trawling as i told her that too so he had to vanish of the sites im guessing to show her he's sincere. i spoke with his ex gf&gave her great closure as she had no clue what she had experienced she was just shattered by it so she was thankfull. The new supply hasn't blocked me so im guessing she has doubts about him&isn't buying his bs 100% she's leaving the option open to contact me. I said if she wanted to know to call me to decide for herself so she's left that door open. I wouldn't feel right not trying to spare someone the hell he's going to put them through. I was lucky i spotted it quick after the first silent treatment and crazy making behaviour started. I learnt my lesson the last time after dating a sociopath. We do learn folks so take heart. It doesn't have to be a repeat show. Take enough time to educate yourself on what your dealing with&question everything someone does you don't feel is right or fair towards you&you'll weed out these freaks
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Jenn
12/15/2016 08:00:01 pm
Lucy......It doesn't surprise me that she didn't respond to your messages. It is likely that she read them and didn't believe what you had to say. But it's interesting that she's leaving the door open to contact you in the future should she want to. Let me know if she does. I'd be interested in hearing how that goes.
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Lucy
12/16/2016 03:26:18 am
I sure will Jenn. Im a bit surprised as he lives in the uk and she is in ireland like i do, so you would think even doing online dating you would be cautious, especially with someone overseas, i know i was, so being told you have been targeted by an online predator would have at least got her concerned as its a concern when you online date anyways but i guess some gals just won't listen. Whats worse for her is i stayed friends with people from the small village he is from & they avoid him as they knew he was odd before me & i have just confirmed the crazy to them with all the bs he told me, the last gal&his ex (he dates their friend too&acted crazy so it wasn't a stretch to believe me). So as this poor girl is being paraded around by him the whole village knows about him she possibly might be too embarassed to contact me when it eventually implodes. I did laugh a lot when the last target from ireland rang me&told me the lies he'd told her about himself as did my uk village pals when i told them it was beyond gradiose ilhe musta been in narc supply hunt verdrive with the fantasy stories&delusional talk it was hilarious. The poor gf she hasnt a clue how totally deranged this loonie is, yet
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PolarHax
9/5/2017 05:23:35 pm
When I met my narcx online he had never been married and had a string of psycho exes behind him (supposedly). I'm an empath, low maintenance and laid back. I had to go on a hen do of a mutual friend with his ex-fiancee who then took me to one side at the wedding and tried to warn me but I didn't believe her. Only 6 months in to our relationship, recently moved in and got engaged I was being love bombed from a great height. There were plenty of red flags, he'd told me he was hard work to be in a relationship with but I really thought if you were with the right person it shouldn't be hard work and with one failed marriage behind me I really wanted to make it work and not fail again. It didn't take long for the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour to start, we would be fine and really happy for 6 months or so then the tension would start building, I'd find something he had been doing with other women, we'd fall out, he'd explode; make up, be loved up, and so the cycle began over again. We brought a house, married and fell pregnant and then suddenly I was getting all the attention which he hated. He said our marriage failed the day I have birth because I stopped looking after him. Then the explosions started getting violent and I was scared for myself and my baby. A neighbour hears the attacks through the wall and begged me to leave him before it got worse. I contacted Women's Aid and started planning to leave but it all came to a head and I had to call the police to get us out. Within a fortnight he had changed the locks and had another woman in my house "just a friend" he said. It didn't last long but soon after he met another one who he moved in with and together they took my to court for overnight access to our child. It made me sick to see her so smug beside him in court, accusing me of lying, having post natal depression, being a bad mother causing developmental delays in our child etc. I held my tongue even though she had children I was worried about as I knew it would just make me look like the jealous bitter ex wife. A couple of years later a d they started splitting up and getting back together, he ended up getting arrested for DV and was on bail for 6 months until she dropped the charges. She messages me on FB and apologised for not believing me but took great pleasure in telling me he had been having an affair all the way through our 18 month marriage and pregnancy but I already had my suspicions. It's still hard seeing him going through the honeymoon period and not warning the women before they get sucked in. 8 years on he is alone. I have not had any relationships since. After about 3 years I tried dating but cannot trust anyone not to be like him, I don't trust anyone who shows an interest to be genuine and not just tricking me in to falling for them only to show their true colours. My child is my world, I worry about continued contact and the damage it will do long term.
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Lisa
9/12/2018 03:55:59 am
Hi, I just had to comment. I believe our stories are very similar - I just had a baby by my Narc and weeks later he moved in with a new supply. She and him fought me in court to get overnights. I'm still going through the process and my son has to go overnight there every weekend. Its stressful because I know how violent he is and I guess she feels special because she thinks she can "mellow" him which is a bunch of BS - she hasn't seen the beast. I know I shouldn't be stuck in this, I warned her in the beginning and yes I think it only brought them closer. It has made me so crazy I record every interaction I have with him. I just want her to really see the truth and believe me, it makes me so mad that he continues to get away with these things. I've been saving these recordings and I have so much good stuff, but haven't had the right moment to show her - scared of it backfiring on me somehow. My recordings make my truth obvious and I feel like everyone will see - I even have him talking about us getting back together - I have him saying he does not want our son around her (and he said her name). I have so much evidence I was planning on sending it to some of her family members besides her so maybe they will listen and shed some light. Him being with her and her fighting for him and paying for his lawyer has made my son and a young infant have to go back and forth and away from his mother.
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J
10/1/2018 10:11:26 am
I don’t see the point in showing her. He will only manipulate the situation. However, you might be able to save them if you ever go to court again to prove why you might want supervised visitation or any other hearing where his violent or manipulative character needs to be proven.
Jane
12/11/2018 03:48:22 pm
I did warn my XN's new girlfriend by sending a message. She is a widow like me. She has a blog that shared far too much about her lonely life. I do not regret warning her. I wished her well and told her I would not contact her again. She broke up with him that week and he had to go looking for another supply. I will not contact another girlfriend of his but he cheated on me with a very vulnerable widow down the street from him who is a wonderful person. I just had to tell her because I know she needed to realize the lies he told her from the beginning.
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Angela
6/24/2019 02:27:08 pm
I want to contact the new supply and tell her he is trying to contact me. I have done it so many times in the past. But I have went no contact for 7 weeks this time, with a different path on my end ….do I do it, do I let her know he is contacting me....
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