If you are new to the world of recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, you might be asking yourself why Narcissists seem to love picking fights. This is an extremely valid question, indeed. I asked myself that same question over and over at the start of my healing journey. There is only one possible explanation that I came up with – Narcissists pick fights because they need the supply.
Much in the way that motorized vehicles run on gasoline, Narcissists run on getting supply from others. It is their life force. Without it, they will wither away. So they create scenarios that will elicit reactions from us.
Drama Narcissists love drama. They may be the first to claim that they hate it. But why is it then that they are always surrounded by it? Simple. They thrive on the chaos the drama creates. They feed off of the reactions we give them. It’s nourishment to them! When they pick fights Narcissists don’t just pick fights at any old time. No. They actually calculate WHEN to pick the fights. They pick the fight so that it’ll give them the best outcome. For example, perhaps you and the Narcissist go out food shopping or to a local mall. The fight may begin with nitpicking how you park the car. It can escalate into how you push the cart down the aisle or how you walk. The more they nitpick, the more frustrated you become. The blowup When you have had enough of the nitpicking or whatever it is that the Narcissist is doing (to cause the fight), you release your pent up anger. The Narcissists can then stand back and watch the result of their efforts. If this occurs in a public place, they’ll play innocent and give a knowing glance at a passerby and roll their eyes as if to say, “See what I have to deal with?” In fact, my NX has said that to people on numerous occasions. I remember getting quite frustrated at his public humiliation tactics. He’d make me the butt of his jokes in front of his military buddies. When I’d protest, he’d say, “Geez, lighten up. It’s only a joke” or “Wow, someone can’t take a joke” or he’d turn to a buddy and say, “See what I have to deal with?” You see, the Narcissists nitpick and poke and prod until it causes us to lose our cool. They WANT a reaction out of us. They NEED that reaction out of us. They MUST have that reaction because it will help them reach the goal that they are trying to accomplish. Narcissists pick fights (and subsequently play innocent) because they cannot afford to look like the fool in public. They must win these arguments at all costs. Even the arguments and drama that they create! They are attention-seeking toxic individuals who cannot stand to be on the proverbial back burner. “Narcissistic people are famous for using irrational argument tactics to time-suck and abuse unsuspecting victims. On the constant hunt for a “narcissistic supply source” that will pay attention to them, the more heated and volatile an exchange, the more likely a narcy person is to derive pleasure from the argument.”
Topics don’t matter
Narcissistic people do not care what they pick the fight about. It could be about politics, religion, education, the children, what movie to go see, household duties, etc. It doesn’t matter. They will use their arsenal of tactics (word salad, diversion, blame shifting, etc) to entice and lure you into the argument. My parenting style. That’s one topic that my NX loved to always come back to. Even when he was deployed, he’d tell me via Skype that I was doing it wrong. I would also follow the directions he gave me on how to cook a steak, yet he still told me I did it wrong by saying, “Someday you’ll get it right.” Another topic he’d love to continue to pick at was my one-time diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. That diagnosis came from a doctor who I saw ONE time for a mere 30 minutes. He was an old crotchety man who said, “I am the doctor. You are the patient.” He brushed aside my very vocal concern of being emotionally abused. He told me that he had all he needed to know about me in my file. To solidify his argument, my NX once told my daughter (who was only 3 when I was discarded), “Mommy is sick in the head. That’s why she went away. So she could get better.” Bottom line Narcissists are quite savvy in the art of picking fights. They will say or do whatever they feel is necessary to draw you in. My NX frequently loves to bring my now-husband and my father into his debates because he knows I love both of them dearly. He thinks that by saying disparaging things about them that I will rush to defend them. In the beginning, I would. But I learned that him saying those things was only to lure me into a fight. You too must learn how to spot the ways the Narcissists try to reel you in to fights. Only then will we stop the Narcissists in their tracks. Well, at least slow them down, anyway. When we don’t engage in their nitpicking or drama-inducing fights, we deprive the Narcissists of the very air they need to survive. What have you noticed about how Narcissists pick fights? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
39 Comments
Flow201
7/20/2017 11:23:15 am
This was an eyeopener! Only recently got out of a three year toxic relationship, and trying to make sense of everything. We would have long periods of relatively easy going times, but then suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere a sudden and unprovoked row would start. Usually when we were on holiday, and it would go on and on and on, normally until I was exhausted. I'd be completely blindsided by them, as they were gross overreactions to real or imagined "slights". Looking back now I can see that nothing was ever resolved, but the constant contact by him via text etc. kept me very distracted. Very conflicted and up and down at the moment and taking steps for recovery. So glad I found this.
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Julianna
7/30/2017 10:24:20 am
Flow........I am sorry for what you endured. I pray that you will remain on your healing path. Good luck to you. I will be thinking of you. If you haven't yet, come on over to my Facebook page of this same name. Just click on the F icon at the top of the page (if on a desktop). Lots of other things are shared there and the community of survivors is an amazing one. Take care.
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Kiki
7/26/2017 01:19:56 am
Wow this is so true. I am still recovering from the fights that I endured for years. It would be the
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Julianna
7/30/2017 10:26:26 am
Kiki........No, you are not the problem. We survivors are not the problem. The problem is them. They are the ones who are toxic and cruel. Toxic people like Narcs will nitpick about anything and everything. My NX picked apart my driving too. Smh. I wish you well on your recovery path. Take care. I will be thinking of you.
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Shalimar
7/30/2017 10:33:03 pm
So it is possible for nx to be normal for long periods of time? I've been trying to wrap my head around this possibility. My husband of 20 yrs and I have had really good months, some times a couple of years at a time, but then he starts acting out. Most of the changes came about when he had a mistress, which ALWAYS comes to light w/in months. Then he changes for a bit and then back to the asshole. Don't know if hes a mild narc or a hybrid (narc & a**hole). He can be the most loving, helpful and supportive husband ever, but he can also be the most cruel, inconsiderate ass ever, as well. A true Jeckyl & Hyde.
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SUE HOWARD
10/4/2017 03:16:35 am
In a 42 year long marriage the signs were there but it wasn't until I studied psychology and psychotherapy 10 years ago the name for his behaviour emerged. I've always been resourceful and have a strong sense of self, my survival mechanisms. Thankfully he never succeeded in convincing me that I was mental, ugly, useless.
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Maria
10/20/2017 11:09:19 am
Thank you! The more I learn from others about narcissism, the more I realize how much of a narcissist my mother is! I always knew there was something seriously wrong with her but it wasn't until our last blownout a few months ago that I put a name to what she is. Just last night I was on the phone with my sister about how awful our mother is tonher and how she constantly nags, and criticizes! And then when my sister can't take it anymore and blows up, our mother gets to turn it around and become the victim!
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Lolo
11/7/2017 10:26:20 pm
Need tips save myself from this narcisst lover
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Lonely
1/23/2018 10:36:27 pm
I’m in a 12 yr relationship I think I’m going through this, all week everything is fine on weekends when we go out is when it all begins he humiliates me he says I’m a paracite for never being independent I feel lost and lonely I don’t know if I have the courage to leave him I think I’m wrong we haven’t spoken in a week I’m in one room and he’s in another he just doesn’t care I think
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Barb
4/28/2018 10:46:39 pm
I am so right there with you, I have realized there seems to be, with each person a different time frame. Mine seems to be a three day period of the silent treatment. I do think that when they are being exceptionally awful its because of something they have done
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Maria
6/1/2019 12:01:51 pm
I also have began the silent treatment. Im emotionally drained .
Michelle
1/29/2018 12:09:41 am
I wish more people would be aware of this
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JULIE
1/30/2018 01:50:16 am
Married almost 15 years to this kind of guy. Hard working attractive however almost everything you described are his personality traits. He can go days mad at me and stone walling. Emotional abuse lead to affair which he blames me for. We now have a baby boy and i want to know what advice you can offer. Ill be praying for my marriage in the meantime. But this is driving me insane😞😢
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Empath
2/16/2018 06:10:25 pm
I have been in a relationship with a guy whom i dated in college. I don’t know what would make me think he has changed in over 30 years :). However i have always thought i was still in love with him so about a little over a year ago i got in touch with him as i found out he was divorced. Of course at first it was amazing. But after about 5 months it has been roller coaster of emotions and arguing. I am a very laid back person and i just don’t let him get to me bc when i do or if i raise my voice .... well look at me .... I’m all of the sudden crazy. Today was the final for me. I sent him a text that began with “hahaha”. I guess maybe that’s not something they i do text very often to him but what i had to tell him i thought was funny so i said Hahahah and then my text ending with a few funny faces. So i get a message back that says. “That must have been for someone else “. I said no it was for you. And he said you never say hahaha in our texts. It gets even worse. So i try to call him. Now i find out he’s at a bar at 300 pm already loopy. I knew he was at the bar with his buddies so no big deal there. But the fact that he has now blocked my texts and calls bc he must think i meant that for “someone else”. Give me a break. Narcs are absolutely the most explosive people i know. It can happen at any given minute. This past Monday morning he called and said i tried to call you 5 times last night and you didn’t answer. And i said well you didn’t call bc i don’t have any missed calls from you. He said yes i did and hung up and I’ve gotten the silent treatment alllll week!! But this text thing today. Who in the world can explain that one ???
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Shannon Bascus
2/21/2018 07:57:41 am
I have a 20 yr old daughter who is narcissistic. I cut off all ties with her when she wouldn't stand up for my mother and I that her future M.I.L. and my ex S.I.L started. She used emotional blackmail and refused to let me see my grandaughters unless I treated her and her fiance with respect in MY OWN HOUSE!!! Her fiancés family is feeding her attention now and I refuse to talk to her....She saw my mother 2 weeks ago an tried talking my mother into turning her cell phone back on that I shut off ( I refused ofcourse...she can pay her own damn cell phone now)...Now I will be seeing a therapist in the next week or two for narcissistic abuse they know how to guilt trip and it has taken a toll on my mental health. If you have a child like this before it's too late get some help.
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Chris
3/16/2018 10:46:08 pm
My mother is this way and only recently has my daughter explained this word which fits mom and Gma to a tee. Dear old mom likes to pick verbal fights with men. She thrives on it. She never did it to me, her son(60) until the last few years. I tried everything to get through even a phone call with her but she would suck me in each and every time. She has picked verbal fights with the meat man, to Postman to minister to even a sewing repair old man in his 70's. She has very few people in the community that even get near her. Only recently I have had to say enough and literally have cut off all communication with her, even emails. So sad, but I refuse to live this way. I refuse to finally work 35 years to retirement and put up with her mind games. My wife has had enough and my grown children also. We have tried everything. My grown daughter would be brought to tears every time she would speak to her on the phone because mom would badger her about her hair, boyfriends, getting married, having children to leaving home, every time. It took me years to finally get to the point that I had to cut this cancer that I call a mother from my life. Yes, I know how sick that sounds but you have not walked in my tired shoes. I'm just mad at myself for not realizing it sooner.
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Colby
3/20/2018 01:09:17 pm
This describes my almost daily discard. From false claims of abuse to false CYS claims, my narc/BPD has absolutely wreaked havoc on the last thirteen years of my life. From the arguments...even stuff that happened when I was a teenager that I've talked to her about to me loving my family... EVERYTHING is a fight. The lying, the cheating and the accusations have become enough. I finally moved out with out daughter a year ago and since there have been many attempts by her to get back into my life. Even though she got pregnant and contracted STDS after she physically assaulted me for the last time...it is still all my fault . They beat you down, tear your life apart in every single way. For some reason, they say a "trauma bond". I sometimes think maybe it'll work, but within hours it's right back to where it was. Jail time, a diagnosos and dual diagnosis rehab isn't enough for her to see...she just may be part of the problem. I'm not perfect, that said...I've bnever had a problem with anyone close to me before. RUN, RUN RUN AWAY
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Mandy
4/5/2018 04:36:55 am
They get bored very easily as there is little or no depth to their emotions. My ex Narc. had a pattern: create it, control it, abuse it. When he had his first rage, he goaded me with his hands to create the drama/reaction, controlled the reaction then abused me verbally. This pattern was repeated in various ways by his trying to create something, control the situation then abuse the situation. It was a circular pattern that usually included triangulation, gaslighting, power struggles until in the end I just suffered from emotional trauma and left the relationship.
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Rosemary
5/19/2018 11:54:26 am
Thank you for this information. Reading lots of books on the topic. Been with mine for 2 years. Had an epiphany today. We had a very lovely time yesterday last night and into this morning. The situation was becoming very peaceful and then he just randomly chose a topic and started yelling at me. I kept my reaction low. I suspect later on when he contacts me he will act as if nothing happened. I think they get bored with a pleasant routine. I know this relationship cannot last I'm just waiting for the right time to exit because of the narcissistic rage pattern.
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Angie
7/29/2018 11:41:12 pm
Been with mine for 10 years.... I have gotten it down to a science. Every 6 weeks he blows up about something... It could be good or bad, but I can time it almost to the day when he will blow up. I am ready to call it quits and move forward.
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Bob
12/11/2021 03:53:25 pm
What happens when the patterns get shorter and shorter? Now weekly always Friday and if I manage to dodge it on Friday it is Saturday… relentlessly exhausting
kenny
9/30/2018 06:09:55 am
I have been in love with a narcissistic person for about 25 years...the past few days were magical and perfect and he even told me so. then out of the blue tonight he comes in the room and just starts yelling at me and calling me names, I have no idea what type of bad person I am when I do everything for this person and he has a lot of health issues the last 3 yrs...i always blame myself...im never or never will I be good enough, can never do enough!! and it's always when things are going perfectly and on the weekends!! I'm so heartbroken and don't know how to get away or why he doesn't love me!!?
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b
8/21/2019 09:22:43 pm
He doesn’t love you because he’s not capable of love. Contact a domestic violence shelter and get a therapist as well.
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Bob
12/11/2021 03:55:07 pm
What is this weekend phenomenon I experience this too and think it is because there is no one at work so the drama is at home instead
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brandi
5/31/2019 09:04:23 am
This is my dad. He is 73 and Nothing is EVER good enough. The way I fold the towels, make the icecubes ,park the car,my weight , my weekly bottle of wine, wash the clothes and put the groceries away all bothered him.So I moved and now I am the bad daughter. Whatever. My brother doesn't talk to him either unless he needs money. He does this to everyone from the neighbours and all service people. He almost got beat up at Walmart because he would not stop picking on a fat guy buying ice cream.
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Maureen
8/15/2019 02:50:54 pm
I am sitting in a church after my Narc “ partner” decided to pick a fight after work.. He kept asking me why I am short with him and making comments. I said I felt angry about something and apologized for taking it out on him. Hoping to end this abrupt attack he had started( Learned not to respond). Took the blame and apologized. He did not get his supply.. so he continued with the picking and attacking.. I did not react but waited till he was done.. walked into the other room, got my bag and walked out without a word... now sitting in a nice, quiet, air conditioned church until I feel like going back. Phone off.. praying🙏🏻
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Mack
11/6/2019 03:52:36 pm
Mine can start a fight over anything. Anything. Typically it is accusations of infidelity, "proven" by the most innocuous minutia. Here's what you have to do: walk away. Sure, they will accuse you of avoidance, of not communicating, etc. Simply refuse to get pulled into the debate. Explain calmly that it is inconsequential, unimportant, and you are not going to talk abut it. Period.
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Michelle
12/2/2019 12:31:50 am
I was reading this and I almost had a panic attack. Your post is exactly how it is! My Narc left he blames me and I have almost started to feel crazy until I read this article. He would wait until I was out in public start picking and then when I reacted he would tell the kids look at your mom and how moody and crazy she is. I have tried 3 different types of medications because I knew it was me. When I tried to avoid the fights he would pick n pick until I couldn’t do it anymore. The sad thing is I am the one heart broken, while he is carefree.
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TruthSeeker
12/2/2019 11:43:37 am
A woman can be a Narcissist too. My wife is one, unfortunately. Very rightly said, Narcissist fight to break the boredom. They are always angry and edgy inside their head and out of nowhere they would rage for small things.
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Lori
5/2/2020 02:30:31 am
Prior to knowing my NX was a narc, he would pick a fight and draw me into fights. Then, when I realized that fighting back was not the best decision (for my sanity), I started to remain silent. He didn’t like it. He would throw water on me to get a rise out of me. That didn’t work either, so he’d rage for hours. I’ve never heard a more vulgar person in my life. How could some with, what I thought was such a sweet and caring side, be the exact opposite in the blink of an eye. Is there such thing as an anxious narcissist?
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8/1/2020 04:46:03 pm
My narcassist boyfriend picked a fight with me today over the kind of dogs I like. Really!!! I told him I did not like big dogs because I was attacked and bit by a large dog when I was younger. His response was when you get attacked by a pit bull let me know. That's being attacked by a dog. He completely downplayed my frightening experience. He said you just like one breed of dog and that's all you like. OK it's a free world, can't I like what I want to like? I told him he was a very mean person, the devil himself. He did not like my response and hung up on me. Now giving me the silent treatment. Sometimes when a I call him he says "Your not talking." I wonder why? Because anything I say, it's wrong. I can see why he has been through 3 divorces. Still continues to be clueless to his behavior!!!! Unbelievable!! There comes a time when you get so sick of it and that's where I'm at right now.
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WakeUp
10/6/2020 08:39:51 am
This is most definitely my mother. I used to brush it off or make excuse after excuse about her behavior, but there comes a time when enough is enough — the side comments, the subtle manipulation, the wanting to be in control, the blatant lies, the everything. I will be 26 this year and my mother still treats me as if I’m living in her back pocket although she is LITERALLY thousands of miles away (military family). Although I could literally go on all day with stories from the past (now that I’ve actually stepped back and took the time weigh our relationship) I’ll give a brief scenario:
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Jameson
10/21/2020 05:06:47 am
I can relate to all the comments here. My ex-wife and her sisters all inherited their fathers narcissism and toxic behavior. Cruel uncalled for comments, name calling, silent treatment, nitpicking, and of course picking fights over trivial nonsense or just to have the drama and reaction, picking fights in public and attempts at public humiliation. Their father would call his wife stupid, retarded, dumb, fat, and worthless at home and in public. He is a spoiled mommy's boy and his mother is narcissistic as well. Needless to say I divorced my wife because of her behaviors, lying, and cheating. The comments about criticism and driving. I had one girlfriend constantly telling me how to drive, faster, you should have pulled out and then that same girlfriend was criticizing the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I look, even the way I brushed my teeth. This was an attempt to knock down my self esteem, it didn't work. I dumped that girlfriend pretty fast because I knew what she was.
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Jackie
12/24/2021 07:21:43 pm
I am going through this right now I have been in a relationship with my narc for a little over a year. We have our good times sometimes for a whole month and then something will happen usually something very small but it escalates into an all out argument an any time I’ll try to defuse it it only seems to make things worse. I’m getting to the point where I’m realizing that I don’t think this relationship can go any further. I can’t put up with the backhanded comments the little remarks that are always disguised as “just a joke” I think I need the be fine. It’s now Christmas Eve and I am home by myself because my narc decided to pick a fight this morning and refuse to accept any kind of reasonable talking it out type of conversation. Just blame shifting and lots of gaslighting. Even has the nerve to tell me he’s tired of supporting me…..which I assure you he does not. Pays for a dinner here and there but that’s about it.
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Ray Bair
3/2/2022 02:36:00 pm
Hello
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JEREMY
9/15/2022 02:48:02 pm
Something is wrong with my dad he's acting very funny I'm talking to him on messaging and he's saying are you sending pictures to other people I got a feeling whoever it is on messaging is not my real dad I think somebody is impersonating him because my real dad I don't think he would care who I sent pictures to so I don't think this person is my real dad on messaging.
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Tanya Bhageea
10/20/2022 06:03:13 pm
My narc husband does this all the time! & it is so quick!. So I leave him to do something & all is ok, then i come back & he is angry & starts on me, for no reason. Brings up ever single thing I have done/said/, or what he thinks ive done/said. It is insanity. I literally pull my hair out
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