Narcissists can become dead set on enacting revenge against someone when things don’t go their way. It’s a broad way to say that they become frustrated and enraged when they become insulted or that their perceived sense of superiority takes a hit.
A Narcissist’s revenge can come in a variety of ways. They can just erupt in their infamous Narcissistic Rage (see my blog The Narcissistic Rage for more). They can lash out by running a harder smear campaign. They can even continue their abuse by devaluing you in more humiliating ways. A Narcissist’s love affair with revenge knows no bounds!
The Insult Narcissistic Injury is when the Narcissist becomes unable to handle any kind of criticism and lashes out at whoever made the remark. They take it as a sign of disrespect. Whenever they are rejected or told “No,” they see that as a defiant action against their superiority. When their knowledge is challenged, for example, they will launch into a diatribe of how the person is wrong and the Narcissist is right. They would cite case studies. They would say things like, “Well, everybody agrees with me.” They will even go so far as to loudly proclaim on every avenue possible that you are wrong and proceed to explain why. They want to ruin your reputation as much as possible, and discrediting you in a very public way (like social media) is one way to do that. Narcissists feel a sense of superiority and therefore cannot handle the slightest notion that they are wrong or have faults. We tell them they have wrong information? They will likely cause a scene of epic proportions that discounts what we say and how they are right. The Revenge When Narcissists feel wronged or disrespected, they will retaliate any way they feel is necessary. They will feel that you deserve what “punishment” they dish out. Narcissists enact this revenge because of their need for control. They have insatiable appetites for power and control. They will aim their revenge at those who challenge their power and attempt to dethrone them. In their twisted minds, they want to destroy that which is attempting to undermine their sense of superiority. Just one way Narcissists can attempt to destroy us is by revealing private information about our lives. The information that we so naively revealed to them at the start of the relationship with them. Information that can essentially rip our professional and personal lives apart. Bottom line A Narcissist’s need for revenge seems like it’s never-ending, even when the Narcissist finds a new target. Narcissists enjoy having multiple sources of supply, and when it suits them, they will do what they can to tear down their “opponents.” What are your thoughts on Narcissists and revenge? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
13 Comments
Holly
1/14/2018 01:50:25 pm
It was funny to me you used the phrasing "a defiant action against theor superiority." While we were (or I was) still trying to work things out, he specifically said that I "defied" him. It was a shocking word to me, anf I reacted as such, telling him that I was an adult in charge of myself and if he expected me to do everything he wanted, then he would be disappointed.
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betty blue
1/14/2018 05:41:41 pm
Being currently right in the thick of a narcissists 'vengeance', I would, whole heartedly agree with this article.
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Kim G
1/15/2018 03:22:16 pm
My narcissist exhusband's revenge was to commit suicide. He no longer could control or manipulate my children or I, so he took his life in the hopes he would ruin ours forever. I haven't read anything about narcissists doing this as a final tactic to get back at the intimate primary partner. Any advice?
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I am being haunted my a ex narcissist. Somehow I allowed him to control me, my thoughts and how I viewed myself. When I finally realized that I was miserable I ended things and that’s when , he started harassing me. Sending me emails in the middle of the night, telling me about how he had plans on exposing me and my secrets on Facebook and social media. I deleted my email account and he found my new one, threatening to use his family to prevent me from getting a new job somewhere that I told him I had wanted to work. He would send me texts messages from new numbers telling me how sorry he was, but he “had to do it” and and that I would “ thank him someday”. I really don’t know what to do, I ignore all of his attempts to get me to respond, I deleted my Facebook account, blocked him from my phone, . I just want him to go away. It seems every few weeks he pops back up somewhere to provoke fear in me.
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Ana
1/17/2018 03:33:47 pm
After taking three years to divorce a narcissist, I’ve moved on with a new man, but the anger, hatred and insults won’t stop from my ex. He’s still trying to get our three kids full time (wi) praying he will move on to someone else besides taking it out on me and our children.
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Philip
4/17/2018 04:08:47 pm
Mine started the full blown smear campaign, but having seen it coming, I pre-emptively brought one down on her. She looked certifiable when she realized she had been beaten.
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Lisa
10/26/2018 09:39:55 pm
So I made the mistake of marrying a covert narcissist. I worked hard and contributed more than my fair share to the household. Out-earned him and he certainly loved the increased standard of living I made possible for him to feel like a success in life. He bided his free time undermining me personally and professionally. He spent the last two years of our 20 year marriage maintaining an online “profile” where he was a roving biker picking up women and having random sex, which he augmented with videotapes he made secretly by filming me and him in our marriage and also stealing videos off of his own step-daughters phone ( intended for her deployed spouse). He did this as an act of covert aggression to punish me , his wife, for being more successful in a career. He even published them on porn sites to try to win a “contest” he created in his own mind. Talk about a creepy pervert! He had to humiliate his wife and use his own step-daughter to create video stories on porn sites and create an online personna where he was cast as a “stud”. And even when caught via evidence on his computer the Narcissistic weirdo refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Blames me, his wife, for his actions. I’m thoroughly disgusted at his deception and ability to lie and maintain the illusion of a normal life and marriage while he was secretly doing this perverted covert activity. He tried to delete it all when confronted— but the idiot failed to empty the recycle bin. Yeah, thinks he is clever. Sicko Narcissist is currently playing victim to friends and family while I hold the real evidence of his despicable behavior. And they are even believing his lies.
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Michelle A. Ernst
4/22/2019 01:46:09 am
Am I off base to connect the “selfish” and “lack of empathy” dots to theorize that a narcissist’s revenge is not ACTUALLY designed to cause PAIN for the other person because technically, they have NO CONCEPT of another’s person’s normal pain felt in ANY SITUATION EVER. And since EVERYTHING they do is actually all geared and designed around SOME BENEFIT or payoff for THEMSELVES. So a small slight or perceived slight or denial of their wants, they enact revenge by say, for example, nonchalantly but pointedly ignoring you in the house for days and days. It is not to “hurt them in repayment” nor “teach them a lesson” because THEY DO NOT CARE or conceive of how people are affected by things. They are only capable of relating to EVERYTHING on how it affects, benefits or relieves themselves. It is simply a perfect example of simple “Leveling” but extreme to match their intensified tantrum. Thus it APPEARS to a normal person to be “intentional infliction of abuse to cause pain” when really it is only about making themselves feel like they “won” to MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER. Additional motives may be to FORCE A BREAKDOWN, or surrender or provoke an emergency need to “have a serious talk” corralling the person into a “seemingly problem solving heart to heart” allowing the narcissist to “calmly” point out his victimization or their “pain they feel being denied” whatever they are obsessed and entitled to. It seems they force a “serious marital conversation” in order to manipulate while feigning a calm logical sharing and caring couples discussion. They have no intention or goal other than to force their argument and use finger pointing and fake apologies and promises, ONLY TO CHECK IT OFF A LIST OF “good behavior” to sucker the other person into feeling bad or even giving in to their want. They are too selfish to care about “hurting” someone. Abuse is a tool that makes THEM feel better, win, gain ground or force a heart to heart as a manipulation field to GET THEIR WAY. Also too lazy to work hard to HURT umless THEY get something out of it.
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William
7/13/2019 04:06:55 pm
NPD sibling would attack vengefully on Holidays especially Thanksgiving! at a table full of people. Even stated he would get his "revenge". (For what I saw as a couple of pranks I pulled on him when I was 10-12 years old, Yes 40-50 years ago! I would just be aghast and despite having plenty of dirt on the sibling I never retaliated in kind. Another method he used was passing on bad news on the holidays, like hey did you hear your ex got married? (Thanksgiving again) His basic philosophy seemed to be do unto others as you perceive they are doing unto you. The main trigger seemed to be when I called our parents out on beatings, abandonments, and incarcerations. My intentions were to heal the damaged relationships with them due to their abuse, but they were not interested in the slightest. Sibling would always cite case studies to support his "correct" positions. Like claiming he was an expert on dating/women because of reading one case study. When he publicly disclosed something I had told him in confidence and I called him out on it, he stated "There is no such thing." Every acquaintance of his treated me like the devil upon the first meeting so I absolutely knew the smear campaign was on. His tell, whenever he was lying or getting pay-back was a grin/smirk or a chuckle. I could relate to your article! Thank you.
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Jm
8/27/2020 09:26:09 am
Completely understand your comments!! I am a female and have a sister who does the same thing to me out of jealousy and envy. She constantly tries to hurt me and ambush me around others to make herself feel and look better. To make matters worse...my mother encourages instigates the behavior by playing us against each other so we are both closer to her rather than each other. Sad!
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William
10/30/2020 09:32:00 am
Hello Jm, Thank you for sharing your very similar story. It is one thing to lose a significant other to narcissism. Quite another to lose one's entire family. Best wishes always!
Susan Harvey
12/3/2021 09:06:00 pm
As a victim, I am at my wits end, getting ptsd from continual harrassement from a narcistic/Sociopath. She is a neighbour, has totally tried to ruin me, smear campaigning, property damage and relentless stalking. We need to make a Law to take these people to Court and become accountable for their ongoing actions.
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William
12/11/2021 06:20:40 pm
Hello Susan, If there is any way to get some distance, like moving, that would be your best bet...and cut all ties to your neighbor. I've seen enough episodes of "Fear Thy Neighbor" to know this is a dangerous situation for you. If you can pull it off without her knowledge all the better. Best wishes in your corner.
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