In a post Narcissist life, all we want is peace and tranquility. To leave the craziness behind. To not have the gaslighting, the accusations, the intimidation, the threats. So, survivors employ the use of a method called Gray Rock, and it can be especially helpful in our healing journeys.
What is Gray Rock?
Gray Rock is a method by which survivors can ignore the Narcissist’s tactics and attempts to lure them back in to their web of deceit and abuse. It literally means to give the Narcissists as little emotion in our responses as possible when responding to them. That is, if you have to respond to them at all (like if you have a child with them).
Why Gray Rock works
Narcissists look for supply in whatever ways they can get it. Most of the time that supply will come in the form of a reaction from us (the targets). That reaction can be a positive one or a negative one. It doesn’t matter to the Narcissists. When we give them what they want (the reaction), they will keep coming back to draw supply from us.
When we use Gray Rock, we stop giving them the reactions they are looking for. We give them no emotion. Just like a grey rock.
Think of it this way: when a child gets bored with a toy, that child will toss it aside and favor a newer, more exciting toy. That’s what the Narcissists do. When they don’t get the supply they are looking for from us, they will come to us less often looking for that supply. Instead, they will go to their next target that they have set up. (And yes, they have many many sources of supply!)
How do you use Gray Rock?
If you have to have contact with them, give them short responses. Like a yes or no answer. Don’t look them directly in the eyes either. When I pick up (and drop off) my children, I inevitably have to have some kind of conversation with him. I give yes or no answers, and I never make direct eye contact. I will fixate on a point just behind him and focus on that, so it seems like I am making eye contact. But in reality, I am not.
Another big thing to remember about Gray Rock is never to divulge details about your personal life. The Narcissists will no doubt ask sneaky questions like “I heard about what happened and I wanted to know if you’re ok” or “How’s your dad?” They will draw you in with seemingly innocent questions. It’s to get you talking! It’s to get you to reveal details about your personal life. Details that they can later use against you.
Gray Rock is for us, the survivors. Using this method also means not rubbing their noses in how well we are doing post Narc. Maybe you’ve met a new mate and you want to shout it out to the world. That’s fine for your true friends and family. But to Narcissists, they will see that as a challenge to begin boasting about their latest accomplishments (whether it’s true or a lie). Also, don’t go asking them about their lives. It will give them the idea that you are still interested in them and their lives.
You can also use Gray Rock by dulling down your appearance if you have to see them. This aspect can work for some. But in all honesty, I want my ex to see how good I look now. I know that may sound foolish and petty to some. But to me, it’s a way of saying “I’m not what you said I am.” He had called me fat, ugly, and so many other nasty names. I’ve gotten myself into better shape over this last year and I want him to see that. I want him to know that I look and feel worlds better.
Gray Rock is a form of No Contact. And no contact means just that. No Contact. But if you have to have contact with the Narcissists, just remember to use as little to no emotion as possible. Don’t feed into their attempts to draw you in.
What has been your experiences using Gray Rock? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
Like the FFNAEA Facebook page by clicking the icon below!
Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you!
The Top 10
Here you will find my most popular posts for easier discovery.
How Narcissists Make Sure You Never Solve Problems In A Relationship
The Fake Apology
How I Lost My Identity
Effects of Emotional Abuse
Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
Tightening Your Facebook Privacy Settings
Why You Should Never Defend Yourself Against The Narcissist's Smear Campaign
Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do
An Open Letter To All Survivors Who Just Got Out Of An Abusive Situation
The Great Manipulator
©2016-2018. Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material (in full or in part) without the express written consent of this blog's author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse with a link back to the original content.
The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.