In the Narcissistic relationship dynamic, you might often hear the words codependent or codependency. These words are used far too often when referring to abusive situations. But are victims and survivors of Narcissistic Abuse codependent or is it something else?
By definition
According to the Mental Health America website, codependency is “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.” These types of relationships are often found in one-sided or emotionally/physically abusive relationships. I had heard the words codependent and codependency when I was in Alateen and Alanon. In the world of 12 Step programs, those terms apply to a dysfunctional relationship where the person heavily supports and enables the other person’s addiction, like drinking, gambling or abusive ways. When I say enable, I simply mean that a person will “allow” the behaviors to continue. A wife who makes excuses for her alcoholic husband. A father who bails his child out of jail with no consequences for the child’s actions. Being an enabler allows for the destructive behavior to continue. Therefore, the unhealthy individual will come to count on the other person to always come to their rescue, so to speak. Codependency in abuse I don’t like when the term codependent is used when referring to an abusive relationship. There is a huge difference between being codependent and being trauma bonded. According to Shahida Arabi, abuse victims exhibit codependent traits when exposed to prolonged abuse. “Codependency was a term historically used to describe interactions between addicts and their loved ones, not victims and abusers. Dr. Clare Murphy asserts that abuse victims can actually exhibit codependent traits as a result of trauma, not because they are, in fact, codependent.”
Notice above I mentioned that codependency can be found in abusive relationships. This isn’t because the victim/target already IS codependent. It is merely as Arabi states – that victims can display symptoms of codependency because of the abuse they endured.
Many times, survivors of Narcissistic Abuse enter into the relationships with the Narcissists as strong, capable, and independent people. It is through the Narcissistic abuse tactics that we are systematically worn down, manipulated and exploited. Consequently, it’s like we become “willing participants” in the abuse. And for that reason, many outsiders lay the blame on the victims for the abuse and just automatically apply the codependent label on us. I don’t see it as being a willing participant. Like we asked to be abused or something. I see it as a survival tool. Narcissistic Abuse victims become trauma bonded to their abusers as a way to survive. It’s a coping mechanism. (See my post Trauma Bonding for more information.) So when outsiders say we are codependent, they are blaming us for the abuse! They aren’t placing the blame where it belongs – on the abuser. Bottom line As one survivor said, “The danger with the term ‘codependency’ is that we lose awareness of what is going on with the abuser.” What society really should be doing is focusing on the Narcissists. They are the problem. Not the victims. The entire societal view of abuse needs to change. All too often, society asks the victim, “What did you do?” which places the blame on the victim, when the reality is that it’s the abuser who is at fault. I think in order to un-blur the line between codependency and trauma bonding, we need to bring more awareness to the two terms. And to Narcissistic Abuse in general. That means speaking up about what we endured. I know that it’s painful. I know that it’s scary. What are your thoughts on codependency? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
6 Comments
Julie
6/25/2017 12:09:02 pm
Thank you so much for this. I've often cringed at being codependent. This explains the difference beautifully.
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Julianna
7/1/2017 08:58:16 am
Julie......You are quite welcome. I had heard the word codependent for years in the world of substance abuse, so I wanted to explore the difference. I think we survivors are not codependent but as said in the post, exhibit the behaviors because of the abuse we endured. I was never "codependent" per se before the NX came into my life. So it stands to reason that I became that way because of what I endured. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.
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Wendy
6/25/2017 11:59:52 pm
I completely can identify with what you're saying about not liking the title of codependency in an abusive relationship . I also, however very much agree with allowing responsibility to rest on us, the victims. I believe that as soon as we realize that we can have some control over our own situation and that we have choices, then POOF! Magically we are no longer victims! And we're not codependent! We're what we choose to be. We played a role perhaps... but I don't think we're being blamed like we were by our narcissistic abuser. The kind of blame that brings shame. The kind of blame we can't get out from under. I think in my case it has helped me to see that I had a part to play... and by knowing that, I know that I NEVER have to play that role again. Never again a victim. Now I'm a creator of my own beautiful life of endless possibility! Cheers to all of us! We didn't just survive- we're coming out stronger and better and wiser and more alive than before!!!
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Julianna
7/1/2017 09:02:31 am
Wendy.......I like the way you look at it. What you said about us choosing what we are to be is right on the mark! We get to choose our healing path. We get to choose how to live our lives. We are never again the victim. Right on!
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Elin
8/7/2017 06:12:57 pm
Oh my, explains why my N hubby claims he's studying out of a co-dependency book as of late. On occasion he'll ask for my opinion on his latest "response" to a question I had asked. But then turn around the next day and say the reason he's chosen to not do our taxes was due to him being, "an emotional wreck and I have been ever since our relationship went sideways, I'm not 100% yet, and again I fall short" He essentially is playing the victim. He lives and works in another state. He also reads books like "Living With A BPD Wife" ---- I was never diagnosed with any disorder, just PTSD since the onset of his Devalue Stage of me in January. After 6 weeks of DBT, I'm finally more and more aware of his manipulation techniques. I am aware this could take years for me to recover from this abuse.
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12/5/2018 12:15:37 pm
I'd like to add a bit more to your points on the codependency myth- which are great BTW! Abuse is psychological torture, much like what POW's experience. We would never say that a POW feels that they deserve the treatment they receive, yet we do the same thing to abuse victims all the time. Abused women are often highly compassionate with a great sense of personal responsibility towards all they do. An adept abuser knows how to turn these gifts against the victim to destabilize her, but this does not mean she is codependent or believes she deserves abuse. She often sees the trauma her abuser has suffered and she begins enabling him because she wants to "help," not because she fears abandonment. Furthermore, most of the time she doesn't even know she's being abused, especially if there's no physical violence, and she's the kind of woman who has been taught to dig in when the marriage gets hard, not run away. It's a narrative we believe must change to ensure both the abuser and the abused get the help they truly need. We wrote more about this at https://www.agapemoms.com/blog/am-i-co-dependent-the-consequences-of-the-codependency-myth-in-abusive-relationships
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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