Do you hold back things you want to say to the Narcissist out of fear of a reaction? Do you notice that when you do say anything that your words are twisted around? Do you choose your words carefully? Do you avoid discussing certain topics in order not to offend the Narc? Do you do what you can to avoid conflict with the Narc at all costs?
If you answered yes to the above questions, what you've been experiencing is called "walking on eggshells."
I first heard the term when I discovered the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Paul Mason and Randi Kreiger. It is a term used that shows a relationship between the careful way a person will tread around a volatile person with the popular idiom referring to how difficult it is to literally walk on eggshells. Avoiding I am an argumentative person by nature. Not to the point of being unhealthy, mind you. But just to the point where I've always spoken up to voice my thoughts and opinions. To spark a healthy debate, even. To talk things out to reach a solution with the person to whom I am speaking with. But with a Narcissist, nothing is ever healthy. No discussions. Ever. It's always the Narc's way. For a while, I would speak up and argue with my NX. It would fuel his fire. I learned that no matter what I said or did, he'd find fault. So I began to avoid using certain words or mentioning certain topics.
Choosing words carefully
In the beginning with my NX, I didn't have a filter in terms of what words came out of my mouth. I sometimes spewed out a string of hateful things, not caring what I said. I verbally fought back. Stuck up for myself. It didn't take me long to learn that many of the things I said got him even angrier, sending him into a Narcissistic Rage. (Read my post on The Narcissistic Rage for more information.) From that point on, I began to choose my words carefully when speaking to him. I was so petrified that anything I said would send him into a rage. Looking back, I realize that was no way to live! Because I know now, that no matter what I said or did, he'd find fault with and pick a fight anyway. The end result The result of walking on eggshells for so long will leave the victim in a highly fragile state. I was left feeling unwanted, unappreciated and invalidated. Feeling that way is detrimental to a person's psyche! What you can do A Narc's moods come in cycles and will repeat themselves. Even when I was still with the NX, I had begun therapy. And even though the therapy then wasn't working (because I was still in the relationship), I did find some things useful. 1. Observation. I learned that observation is vital to beginning the road to recovery. As Mason and Krieger note, "Your intent is not to make judgments, but to stop reacting to the behavior emotionally and start learning from it." And when you do that, you will realize like I did that the Narc's behavior has nothing to do with you. It is all about them. 2. Minimize reactions. I also learned that minimizing my reactions also cut down on my NX's tirades. It's not that I was walking on eggshells, it's that I was teaching myself not to outwardly react in front of him. Ever hear of the phrase "Don't let them see you sweat"? That kind of applies here. The Narc just wants to push your buttons to get any kind of reaction out of you. You are essentially teaching yourself effective coping strategies. 3. Boundaries. Like I discussed in my post on Boundaries, Narcs will do what it takes to rip your boundaries to shreds. Whether it's "Don't call past a certain hour" or "I do not want to be disrespected in front of the children", the Narc will work hard to push to boundaries as much as possible. Stay the course and hold steadfast. Have you found yourself walking on eggshells with the Narc? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
4 Comments
Ryno Agenbach
3/28/2017 12:01:21 am
Very, very accurately true words. I FIRMLY believe NDP is a DEMON disease, its just tooo destructive, too cunning, too similar in too many people. REJECTION, REJECTION, REJECTION is the ROOT
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Jenn
3/29/2017 07:01:52 pm
Ryno.......I agree. Narcissists are extremely destructive, and once we learn the red flags, it's always best to stay away from the Narcs.
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Pam Indo
9/14/2018 01:18:28 pm
How do I access your blog. I really love this article. How can I send a copy to my son? I am 69, and a recent widow of a man with Aspergers, who also shot and killed his parents in 1969 here on Houston, Texas. Story too long to tell here. I am physically disabled, but hope that at this time next year not to be disabled. I have been a nurse for about 45 years, and have a MSN in Psych Mental Nursing. I am about 99% sure that my son is a Narcissistic- he is 26. I also see some narcissistic tendencies in my sister..
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Robert Austin
3/1/2021 07:02:20 am
I agree ,I would like to see them all roll in a hole
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