What is trauma bonding? How does it affect victims and survivors? Why is it so difficult to break the bond? I will answer these questions and more below.
In narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationships, you are drawn in by the charm, the good looks, the outpouring of love and affection. But it all changes eventually.
What is trauma bonding? Trauma bonding is a type of attachment to the abusive partner. The Narcissist creates this unhealthy bond by first luring you in with promises of love, friendship, a happy home. A life together. That's what they all say they'll give you. Then, little by little, the abuse is trickled out. The Narc will devalue you, make you feel worthless and spew venom. But then, the Narc will reel you back in with more promises of love, that the bad stuff won't happen again. It's a nasty cycle. (Read my post on The Cycle of Abuse for more information.) This cycle is exactly what the Narc wants. It's the perfect way to keep you tethered to him. I remember I started making excuses to people why I stayed. "It's not that bad, really." "He just had a bad day at work " "I never should have picked the fight." "He's right. I was hounding him." The "bad times" are always paired with the times when he'll "reward" you for behavior that he deems acceptable. Perhaps he brings you home flowers, gives you a kiss in the cheek and thanks you for getting dinner right the night before. Maybe he showers you with compliments and attention for finally wearing the clothes he bought for you. Maybe he takes you out to dinner to make up for the screaming tirade he went on the day before. Or maybe he has repeatedly said to you how you are the best thing that's ever happened to him, even after all the times he's called you worthless. My NX had balanced the bad times with instances like I mentioned above. It's all to keep the victim wrapped in hope. Hope that there's more good times to come. Hope that there really is love there. Hope that this really is your happily ever after. Why it's so difficult to break the bond All of the above is exactly why it's so difficult. You are conditioned to keep coming back and wanting more. This, despite the hell you are put through. Even in the "good" times, the Narcissist still controls you. You cling to what you know. And you will cling to the Narc. Why it affects you Traumatic bonds affect a person so much because of the back and forth nature of the punishment and reinforcement. You become intensely attached to the Narcissist, despite the abuse. This is a prime reason why it's so difficult to leave an abusive relationship! Looking back Was I trauma bonded to my NX? At the time, I didn't know what it was. I didn't think to even consider that what I went through was abuse. Looking back though, I can see so many instances where I was. So yes, I was trauma bonded to him. It took getting discarded to really open my eyes. It IS possible to heal from trauma bonding. With each day that passes, I have grown stronger. You can too. Have you experienced trauma bonding? If so, what are you doing to heal? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
14 Comments
Debra Perrault
9/19/2016 07:20:36 pm
YES HOWYA DOING?
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Jenn
9/20/2016 09:55:08 am
Debra.....I am well, thank you. How are you?
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Hope
9/19/2016 08:22:26 pm
I think I'm in one. And this is exactly what happens every week. Day to day. But when it's good it's the best. I don't know what to do. I just keep saying the word hope. And that maybe I'm different. But then everyone tells me I'm crazy for going back and not leaving but it's so hard. Me and my son have nothing. I came in with 3 grand of saving for a home was told promises and they never came true. Now the money is gone and we have nothing...idk what to do.
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Jenn
9/20/2016 09:45:31 am
Hope......Unfortunately, it won't get better. They make promises they never intend to keep. They drain you dry, and leave you with nothing. They need you to feel hopeless and that you could never make it on your own. You are just another source of supply for the Narcissist, nothing more. You are an awesome person with so much to offer the world......but the Narc does not see you that way. If you can safely do so, I would look into shelters in your area. They typically have excellent resources to help people get back on their feet. Good luck to you.
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Baby Blue
9/20/2016 01:20:13 am
Yes and it hurts
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Jenn
9/20/2016 09:59:18 am
Baby Blue.......The begging to see you was hoovering. He got what he needed and left again. It leaves us survivors broken all over again. Don't be too hard on yourself for going back.....it happens more often than you think. It happened to me too. You will get back on your recovery path, not to worry. Healing takes time. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Baby Blue
9/20/2016 01:45:56 pm
Thanks Jenn, yes I do try not to beat myself up. He used the death of a mutual friend as a way of testing my soft side. I've given him his last 'buzz' as I'm sure it was just an ego boost. Now I have to focus on me. Working gently on finding my old self, the strong confident happy girl, she must be in there somewhere lol.
Jenn
9/21/2016 08:11:10 am
Baby Blue.....Finding yourself again is going to be a great journey. Take time to discover all the things about you again. Maybe even take up a new hobby like painting or gardening. Healing is a journey, so let yourself go on that journey.
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Brandi
9/20/2016 11:00:12 am
I am going through this now. We fight and make up once a week. I can't seem to stay away. However I have an 8 year old son and I have nothing. The money will be gone cause my spouse controls all finances, I'm not on the bank account. I'm on the lease but can't afford the rent. The utilities have been shut off before when we split. And I'm helpless. And there is no emotion and no regard.... I'm not sure what to do and coming from a small town with only one shelter don't help much either. It stays full. I'm not sure where to turn.
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Jenn
9/21/2016 08:18:06 am
Brandi.....even with one shelter, there's always a way. Put yourself on the waiting list if they have one. Ask them for other resources......they have to have resources to help people like food banks, other area shelters, etc. What about staying with family or friends? I know what it's like to feel like you've got nowhere to turn. When I say a shelter, I'm not just talking about a homeless shelter. I'm also referring to a women's crisis center. See if your city has a women's shelter or crisis center. Many women's crisis centers cannot turn away a woman with a child wanting to escape an abusive situation. I don't think you're helpless.....the Narc wants you to think that. You can survive and heal. You've got this. Take care.
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Arthur
6/25/2017 04:54:18 pm
Yes it took getting discarded twice to see it for what it was. You feel used, humiliated, betrayed. Worthless like a worn-out pair of shoes.
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Sim
1/27/2018 07:09:33 am
34 years. I cant get out. please help.
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I believe I am married to a narcissist. I would have said so definitely but our marriage ha so many other issues. For the first 5 years I did experience these highs of live then terrible disrespect. I didn't realize what was happening at the time then he started using drugs. He leaves then stays sober for months, then again leaves for a day or two, then back home. It seems like a Rollercoaster. I am trying to educate myself to see why ir is that I have accepted this treatment for so long?
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Grammy
2/19/2022 11:30:44 am
My son will be 25 yrs old next week. He has been living with a girl for 7 or 8 months and now she is 3 months pregnant. I have come to discover this girl is the definition of a narcissist. I am on a mission to save my son from her before he gets too far in but he doesn't see the whole picture yet. He is blind to and in denial of the overwhelming fact of who he lives with. It wasn't too hard to define her after she text me one morning , out of nowhere, and proceeded to tell me she didn't need me and would not let me be in this baby's life because she wasn't going to be controlled by me. I SAID I LIKED THE NAME SHE CHOSE FOR THE BABY, BUT I SUGGESTED AN ALTERNATE MIDDLE NAME.....SHE LOST HER MIND!! She even cussed me and said I would never be in this child's life. It has snowballed over the past 6 days. Needless to say, my son is stuck in the middle and all of the traits have appeared that there is no doubt what type of person she is. I need HELP! I have to save my son before he gets destroyed because he was self esteem drained when he met her. He is the perfect prey and this is her perfect storm! Help me help him !
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