Even six years post-discard, I’m feeling guilty. Even with all the therapy I’ve had, the support I’ve been given and the information I have learned along the way, I’m feeling guilty. I have what I term The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guilt. I’m wondering if any of you have felt like this. So I thought to write a blog post about the subject.
Why do we feel guilty?
Guilt is a normal reaction to what we’ve endured. Guilt because we “allowed” it to happen. We’d ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I stop it?” Guilt because we didn’t leave the Narcissist sooner and seek help. Guilt because the Narcissist seemed so good at manipulating our emotions and “making” us feel guilty. Guilty that we weren’t smarter, or prettier, or helped out more around the house. Why is it then that I still feel this way knowing that it was the Narcissist who manipulated my emotions? This question has crossed my mind countless times over the last six years. I’ve dissected my emotions to try to understand why I still feel a certain level of survivor’s guilt. I did the best I could! I tried so hard to make the marriage work! I didn’t want to be seen as a failure. I entered into the relationship with the Narcissist a bit naïve. I truly felt that everyone I met along the path of my life was good. I had no reason to believe otherwise. Until I met the Narcissist. It all seemed so perfect with him. That should have tipped me off right there. But I fell hard. I got swept off my feet, sort to speak. I wanted so much to believe that I had found my “Mr. Right.” It moved fast. Just seven months into dating him, I was pregnant with my daughter. We were married three months later (despite the numerous fights and arguments the entire time of dating). With all that I have learned about Narcissists, I still feel guilty about what I have done that caused him to gain custody of my children. For goodness sakes, why? Why do I feel guilty about that? How I reacted was a normal response to his abnormal behavior! Yes, it was WAY out of the norm and I look back on what I’ve done, and I think, “I really can’t believe I did that.” But as I’ve stated in previous blog posts, the Narcissist played the part of the victim so well, that he convinced all he came in contact with that I was the threat. He convinced his military superiors, the military advocacy personnel, the courts, his family and “friends.” He convinced everyone. Perhaps the worst guilty feeling of all that I have been left with? Knowing that I am not physically in my children’s lives as much as I desperately want to be. The Narcissist made sure of that. He resides thousands of miles away, and in the divorce decree, made it my responsibility for pick-up and drop-off whenever I did see the children. I feel guilty because I can’t BE the mom I want to be. So, readers, I ask you this: Do you have any advice on how myself, and others in my position, can begin to move past this guilt? Comment below with your thoughts. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
7 Comments
I feel all of the above. I am in my childrens life and am so close to exposing him.
Reply
Jenn
2/7/2017 06:17:03 am
Carly......I'm sorry that you endured what you did. I am glad that you are on a healing path now. It's necessary that survivors protect themselves too. Sometimes, we forget to take care of ourselves. Time will tell if he forgets your son. But keep trying to arrange visitation. Every time he doesn't contact you back or he doesn't seem to care, write it down. Documenting everything is important. I firmly believe that children are aware of more than what we adults give them credit for. When children get old enough, they will see for themselves what the Narc parent truly is. Until such time, it is important that you do your best to attempt visitation between your ex and your child. Hang in there.
Reply
Tyrah
2/6/2017 04:15:43 pm
Build up your reserves. Even years later you will be drained from having been fed on for so long. I have found that dancing as soon as I get out of bed makes me smile and gives me energy. Write down exactly what a perfect "ordinary" day would be like for you and remove any barriers to that, also, add whatever compliments the lifestyle you want. Also know things change in an instant, so be child-ready, your ex may have a sudden change that renders them unable to care for the children, if you have all your ducks in a row you may get custody. From now on assume life will be great and act accordingly. Bad things happen, but good things to do be ready for either. Whatever hobby you abandoned while with the narcissist, practice doing again. RE-visit people and places that give you strength, or you can safely relax. Give your time and love, volunteer or visit sick children or elderly folks, both groups tend to be lots of laughs. Laugh and enjoy yourself to make up for lost time, and all the tears in pain. Balance it out, even if it means you have to go into joy overtime. You have a right to enjoy all the seasons of your life. What are you waiting for??? Go get it girl!!!
Reply
Jenn
2/7/2017 06:22:16 am
Tyrah.....I love all of your suggestions. I do volunteer with my local animal shelter and it's incredibly good for my soul. I like listening to my favorite music. I even joined a gym back in September and have immense fun doing Zumba! I keep the thought in the back of my head that someday my ex would just give up and I'd get custody of the kids back. But unfortunately, he is set to re-marry this spring. He appears to be creating a more stable life, as they just bought a house too. But....I do know looks can be very very deceiving! I love your positive outlook on self-care. Thanks for those suggestions!
Reply
kaisha
3/4/2017 03:30:18 pm
Remember how the narc is so good at projection? somehow they can project their guilt onto you, and you absorb it. Perhaps you (and I, and many who have survived these ordeals) have a bit of the so-called Co-Dependency tendencies. When someone has this it is very easy for them to feel guilty. Try doing Falun Gong, the hightest form of Qi Gong there is. You can also do Hatha Yoga, as well. These will really help you heal, and put whatever guilt feelings you have into a more proper perspective for you.
Reply
Jenn
3/5/2017 10:24:55 am
Kaisha.......I have no doubt that many survivors would consider themselves co-dependents. It is a habit that many of us pick up in order to survive.
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Arlene McKenna
5/18/2017 06:36:33 pm
Omg! I could have written every single word of this. Guilt is what's controlling me. Guilt for not knowing how I was treating myself. Guilt for showing my sons how used and emotionally controlled I was! Now that they are adults, I can't do a thing to change things!
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