This guest post explores the differences between having narcissistic tendencies from time to time versus being a true Narcissist. What are your thoughts regarding this topic? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
We ALL have narcissistic tendencies.....we hear it all the time. That is true if you are talking about the fact that we all need self-love and boundaries in order to survive. Without those things, we are likely to be unable to cope with life on a daily basis.
The only thing I beg to differ with about that statement is that there is a difference between acting narcissistically on occasion and BEING a NARCISSIST. If we choose what is best for US we may see that as being selfish...but a TRUE narcissist behaves that way at all times. They never do anything else...unless they are attempting to gain something from appearing to be selfless. In MY opinion...the two DEFINING characteristics of a truly NARCISSISTIC/Predatory individual are:
No one knows better than we do that the predator can, and will, FAKE these attributes from time to time...but only for a PURPOSE. If you completely disregard the WORDS THEY SAY and watch their actions...it becomes crystal clear that they do not comprehend either of these things. The abuser I dealt with was the VERY DEFINITION of a Covert, Socialized, Narcissistic, Sociopath. Those who are currently in his "favor" would dispute this, of course...just as I WOULD HAVE when I was under his spell. No matter....it is what it is...and it IS their turn to ride the roller coaster to Hell. My ride is over and I paid for my ticket. The true topic of this post is that I have a very specific method that I will use, going forward, if I should EVER decide that I might want to try getting into another relationship. No matter how fooled I was, no matter how much I tried to give him the benefit of every doubt. No matter how much he "love bombed" and "brain washed" me...and no matter how many RED FLAGS waved in the air that I CHOSE to ignore...the TRUTH is this. Not ONCE in 20 yrs, did he ever admit being wrong about ANYTHING. Not just in OUR relationship but in his life in general. NOT ONCE. Not ONCE did he express feeling GUILTY or say "I wish I had not done that" or "I guess maybe she was having a bad day and I likely over-reacted" or "I really need to work on being more patient" or "Maybe I did not make myself clear" or "Maybe I should go talk to him because I might have misunderstood" or "I got angry when I really shouldn't have" or even "I really do not take criticism very well" NOT A SINGLE TIME. He was the most self-assured, rigid, judgmental, absolutely CONFIDENT person I had ever met. He had NO ABILITY to see things from a different point of view...no sympathy for the "errors" of others...had absolutely no CONCEPT that any view or opinion could have merit accept for his own. This did not change AFTER the honeymoon, love bombing period. This is just what he is, what he always was and all he knows how to ever be. I now know this to be a VERY BIG red flag. So, for me, I will ask one question of anyone I ever even THINK about getting involved with. For ME, this is the question that will tell me what I need to know. "Thinking back on your life, what is one wrong think you have done to hurt someone else that you have felt guilt about since that time and that you wish you could go back and undo?" Yes, indeed, some of them might be able to think up some lie/story pretty quick...but if they are truly covert predators, lacking all guilt and empathy, you can bet the story will likely come with a "but I did it because..." or "I wouldn't have done it if..." At least in the case of a predator such as the one I dealt with. Likely they will have to think long and hard to try to manipulate things to make themselves appear to be the victim in some way. I can think of at least three things, off the top of my head, just in my teens and 20's alone. I lay you odds that the predator I dealt with would be speechless...
**This was reprinted with permission from Soulmates in Hell and was originally published on May 1, 2016.
5 Comments
Rhonda Ryan
5/7/2019 08:33:41 pm
I believe its who they are part of their makeup and characteristics onvo they've worked out how it works and become aware of the strength and power this is when the tenacious changes as the work has been done to suit themselves
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Jules
5/29/2019 10:46:06 pm
Is it possible to take on some of their narcissistic qualities? When I get the silent treatment I start out calm but then I lose it millions of phone calls texts texts from app because I’m scared I’m blocked Nasty drunk voicemails and I “spew venom” as he would say. But to be ignored for weeks because I asked a question he didn’t like it makes you feel worthless. They go from constantly being round to just vanishing
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Jenny
10/17/2019 09:51:58 am
Lashing back against a narcissist looks a lot like narcissism and likely is a tendency...part of the mental stain that results from being influenced by a true narcissist. But REMORSE is integral in defining the difference and helping a victim to get themselves back on track to who they really are...not the twisted version that a narcissist tries to create. Self ownership and remorse are more powerful than any rage, bitterness, jealousy or other emotion that narcissists seek to create in their victim. When the dust settles after the mental warfare is at its end, the victim will miss themselves so much more than they will ever miss the narcissist...the narcissist becomes a ghost that may haunt memory now and again...but will become nothing but a forgotten shadow as the victim focuses on finding themselves again. Lost...but never forgotten...and more loved and treasured than ever before. Recovery is the most epic opportunity to recreate yourself, old and new, wiser and stronger.
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Rosalee
12/20/2019 10:19:15 pm
I was raised by Nmom and now I have a nsis to deal with. I understand now what the hell was and is going on. I have read so many books and gone to therapy and now I see what Narcs are all about. I was the SG all my life and until now I thought things were going fine. Nmom died and I could start to live my life the way I want to. NOPE, Nsis took over, she has never been responsible for anything in her life, Nmom's GC, so she could do no wrong, but me I was the troublemaker the problem. Now Nsis thinks I will allow her to continue to abuse me the way Nmom did. NOPE NEVER again. I will NOT be her doormat. I am moving on and not looking back. Let Nsis take care of herself and be responsible for once in her miserable life that she blames everyone for.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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