When a reader contacted me with her story, I wanted very much to post it. She said it was okay, as it was already published on another site. But I wanted you, my readers, to see this amazing poem.Thank you, Robin, for the permission to reprint this. It's a beautiful piece of work that eloquently captures what a victim of Narcissistic Abuse goes though.
I remember that night
When he first caught my eye He had a penetrating gaze… Never looked away as he walked by. He made me feel special Said all the things I longed to hear At the time I was so lonely And he always kept me near. After a while He stopped answering his phone I never knew the reason Why I was suddenly alone. He was in a bad mood he’d say And didn’t want me to suffer I guess I’d miss the red flags Because they smelled like flowers. He asked me to marry him The ring was flashy and impressive I thought he must really love me To go through that much effort. Six months passed And he was drifting away It was me, he said I’d gained too much weight. He was leaving me for her And showed no remorse, not a tear I was completely devastated How could it not bother him, after all these years? In the end she left And he came back to me He talked of how he adored me With feelings I thought I could see. Fast-forward two years First baby was on the way I was finally top of the world And glad that I’d stayed. But before he could take his first breath As his little heart stopped beating The earth swallowed me whole And further clouded my thinking. He was nowhere to be found I often cried alone He told me I should go out more After only a few days at home. He put it away so quickly But who was I to judge him? So I wrote off another clue Like I did with everything. Then more children came And life seemed so grand I still didn’t see it as one sided There was so much I didn’t understand. But then I was alone again And could do nothing right It seemed like he hated me, Always trying to start a fight. It was my hair, my clothes The way I spoke, the things I said. Everything was my fault daily And I felt like I was dead. He burned through the money More and more each passing year The debt, it mounted And so did my tears. So for the first time in decades I started telling him no If we can’t pay the bills You can’t buy whatever you want. He became very angry And then my things went missing He told me I was going crazy And for a while I believed him. Then one day I was driving And noticed something wrong with my car The front driver’s tire was loose again For the second time that summer. Later I would find out That this a common scheme But why would I have thought that He would never do that, or would he? A big storm rolled in On that fateful day I called to tell him That we had to go in the basement. No reaction, no fear No emotion of any kind He never called later To see if we were all right. It was that day I decided That I was not living this life I took off my rings And refused to live as his wife. For the next month he tormented me And followed me around He said he put rocks behind my tires To see if I went out. I was shocked by this behaviour So I went to seek help one day But what I was told Just blew me away. So I started reading And everything fit to a tee A very dangerous man Was sleeping next to me. I fell into the abyss Sat on the floor for hours and cried I didn’t want it to be true My whole life with him was a lie. I learned I was targeted For the traits he wanted to steal And causing me to suffer Was the only way he could feel. They manipulate you daily Cause chaos and confusion Hide your car keys And then tell you you’re losing it. I thought the scariest people Were serial killers on the news. Because they’d fooled everyone around them; Not knowing I was being fooled. The most devastating part Was not learning the truth It was watching him do everything And knowing for sure it was true. I decided to tell him Please go for help, I would ask And for the first time ever I met the man behind the mask. His face contorted And he became someone I didn’t recognize At the time I didn’t know it But I’d just met Mr. Hyde. Swallowing my fear I thought I could plead But the very next day I found my dogs running in the street. He’d let them out the front door And drove away like it was nothing No guilt, no remorse… Completely devoid of feelings. How could he do this? The sick realization set in The man I was married to Was capable of much more. So I stood up strong And fought back against his anger And struggled through the heartbreak The death of a dream, my future. He threatened suicide if I left him And tried to tighten his hold I found him watching me sleep Which made my blood run cold. I still managed to get away My head spinning, my heart torn in two The hardest decision I’d ever made Became the best thing I would ever do. I’ve fought unseen battles Over the last year, But the goal has remained the same I won’t be controlled by threats and fear. I’m rebuilding my life And reclaiming my identity I’m slowly getting back All the things that he took from me. He tried to break me And he almost succeeded But those very traits he wanted Are the ones that move me forward. If you see red flags That may seem familiar Please look them up And don’t stay like I did. You can’t fix it or try harder Hoping it will change You will lose yourself in the process And they will stay the same. The strongest people have risen from ashes And rebuilt their lives And I don’t remember the last time It felt so good to smile. Always remember your self worth And insist on respect But most important of all Never let anyone steal your happiness.
**Reprinted with permission from Robin, the author of the poem. The poem originally appeared on Let Me Reach on January 26, 2015.
2 Comments
Just from self experience, i would imagine this man was up to his ears in debt and thkse "loose tires" were attempt for them to fall off in hopes of killing her and coolecting the insurance money.
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Jenn
8/12/2016 07:33:54 pm
Gail.....That is a shocking story. I'm sorry that happened to you. But I am glad you are away from him, and that you're on the road to healing.I'll be thinking of you.
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