Have you ever wondered why certain things in an abusive relationship happened when they do? Or wonder why there are so many ups and downs, like a rollercoaster ride?
It's called The Cycle of Abuse and was developed in 1979 by Lenore E. Walker to explain behavioral patterns in an abusive relationship.
The below picture paints a very clear picture of the cycle.
Tension Building Phase - tension within the Narc builds. You can sense his feathers are getting ruffled. Communication begins to break down. The Narc may pick smaller fights, which include name calling, put downs and verbal abuse. The victim becomes fearful of the Narc or what may come next, and does whatever she can to appease the abuser to keep him calm.
The Incident - unfortunately, there will always be an incident. This is when the excessive verbal, emotional or physical abuse occurs.....or all 3. There is arguing. There is blaming. There is plenty of threats and intimidation. And there is also a prominent show of the The Narcissistic Rage. Sadly, I remember far too many of these incidents with my NX. Reconciliation - the Narc "apologizes" (see my post on The Fake Apology), provides countless excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred or minimizes the abuse saying it wasn't as bad as the victim claims. If he minimized, my NX would always call me a drama queen. If he denied, he'd say "Well what are you so upset about?" If he blamed, he'd say "Well it's your fault. If you hadn't made me angry, I wouldn't have had to yell." The Calm Phase - this is also called the honeymoon phase. No abuse is taking place. This is when the NX becomes romantic, pours on the love bombing, and does anything to reel you back in. Dangles the carrot, sort to speak. With my NX, the space between the incident and the honeymoon phase would get shorter and shorter. At first, the honeymoon phase would last for weeks. After a while, it only lasted days. It never gave me enough recuperation time. I was always walking on eggshells, making sure I didn't "poke the beast." Have you experienced the Cycle of Abuse? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
6 Comments
Ursula
2/22/2017 10:14:16 pm
11 years i need help i left startwd fetting better then i fell for his fake wedding vplans
Reply
Jenn
2/26/2017 06:13:22 pm
Ursula......Sounds like he lured you back in. He lovebombed you and future faked you. What kind of help did you need? I'm not a licensed therapist, so I can only provide moral support. If it's therapy you need, I'm sure there are therapists in your area who can assist you. But if it's just a community of fellow survivors that you are looking for, head on over to my Facebook page of this same name.....just click on the "F" icon at the top of this page to stay in touch. If you like the page, you can stay informed of other things I post too. And my readers can always provide extra encouragement or support. Hang in there.
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Hilary
2/23/2017 02:51:30 am
Awesome... thank you x
Reply
Jenn
2/26/2017 06:13:48 pm
Hilary.....you're welcome. :)
Reply
Dee
2/24/2017 12:31:19 am
keep this going I am on my 4th marriage (30) yrs and he didn't become abusive until the alcohol took over. Now he is just plain hateful. Last husband was the same, but I walked after 9 yrs
Reply
Jenn
2/26/2017 06:37:25 pm
Dee......Sounds like you know what red flags to watch out for. How do you feel about this 4th marriage of yours? Do you feel you are in emotional and/or physical danger? What ways do you feel you can keep yourself on a good healing path?
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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