Much like the fog can cloud a driver's view while on the road, so can Narcissistic Abuse obscure a victim's mind. So what can a person do to get out of the fog?
The term FOG (or fear, obligation and guilt) was first coined by Susan Forward in her book Emotional Blackmail. (Read my post on Emotional Blackmail for more information.) In the book, Forward details how an emotional abuser will use the FOG tactics to keep the victim in a state of dependence. This often triggers intense feelings of dread and hopelessness.
Like a wounded and defeated animal, victims will find themselves backed into a corner with no way out. The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness were all too real for me. I truly felt defeated. There were so many times that I had no more fight left in me. Why bother, I thought. It would just do more harm than good. Break it down In order to know how to get out of the FOG, each component needs to be understood. 1. Fear. It's a basic human reaction when confronted with a threatening situation. It triggers what many know as the "fight or flight" response. Typically, we are afraid of bad things happening. I would always notice that my heartbeat and breathing would become more rapid. As a result, my blood pressure would rise. When the Narcissist makes threats against you, you are no doubt fearful that you're in danger. That's the fear response - that our senses are heightened to the possibility of extreme danger. Fear is a survival instinct that victims use to save their own sanity. I know I was in a constant state of fear. There were countless times that I thought the NX would make good on the threats he spewed out. Because of the prolonged exposure to fear, I developed stress and anxiety issues. When a victim's body is in such a constant heightened state of fear (like mine was ), that victim will develop several long term health issues as a result. 2. Obligation. It is human nature to have a sense of moral duty and commitment to our families, friends, our workplace. But a Narcissist will exploit the victim's good nature and play upon the moral duties. The Narc will manipulate your sense of duty to the point where you will feel like you are withering. You cannot thrive and flourish in that kind of environment. My NX successfully played upon my sense of obligation to my daughter when he hoovered me in late 2007. He said my daughter "needed her mommy." He KNEW the love I had for my daughter would pull at my heartstrings enough to trigger the sense of duty as a mother.
3. Guilt. When you don't do what the Narc wants when he wants it, he will do and say anything to invoke feelings of guilt within you. Narcs will want you to feel like it is your fault for letting them down. They will want you to feel you did something wrong!
Narcissists use the FOG technique because they feel it's the only way to acquire what they want or need. Narcs knows that in order for FOG to work, there must be something they can use against you or hold over your head. They need to keep you in the dark. They can't have you seeing through the fog! If you refuse their FOG tactics, they will make you pay dearly. So how can you get out of the FOG? Below are several things I did to help me. 1. Keep doing the things that bring you joy. I kept writing in a journal. I kept listening to my favorite music. I kept talking to my mom on the phone. I kept going on Facebook every day to stay in touch with family and friends. 2. Educate. I learned all I could about Narcissists and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I wanted my eyes to be wide open when dealing with him. The more I learned, the more I realized that it was never me. 3. Learning to say no. For a period of time after the NX, I had such a rough time turning people down for anything. I had been trained to always say yes. Not anymore. You CAN say no to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Just because a friend invites you to a party, doesn't mean you have to say yes. 4. Support groups and therapy. I began therapy and joined several online support groups. I learned to start taking care of myself! 5. Find a silver lining. I have worked hard at finding one positive thing to counter every negative thing the NX ever said or did to me. Some days it's a struggle, but I do my best. 6. Learn to respond, not react. Particularly with emails, I've learned to read through them and absorb what was said before replying. I used to reply in haste, thereby creating a potentially volatile situation because he'd return with a nasty reply. Instead, I respond after I've absorbed his words. By doing this, it's giving me my control back. He's looking for the negative reaction from me in attempts to paint me in a bad light. When I calmly respond, he doesn't get the reaction he's looking for. When you make your way out of the fog, you will be able to see more clearly, feel more freedom, and begin your journey of healing. Have you experienced the FOG? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
6 Comments
Teresa
8/23/2017 12:06:06 pm
Only just coming out of F.O.G - been stumbling around in it for most of my life. Now aged 52. Healing began when I entered 'spiteful mothers' into a search engine. I have also had the misfortune of several Narcissist partners - if you can call them 'partner' - the last was the worst of the lot - but I left him 10 years ago and still blamed myself, because IF I had been a better person, and lovable - it would have worked out. You see, I was trained by my family (npd mum and dad) - to always look to myself for whatever problems were occurring - in my families life and my own.) What has changed? SEEING for the first time - thanks to blogs like this - there are many available - RESEARCHING all I could get my hands on about personality disordered people - JOURNALLING - is keeping me sane - because writing everything out for me is WORKING. NO CONTACT which is giving me the space and time I need to heal - (no contact with my family of origin.) For me, staying single is working - I have realised that I need myself to come home to. Thanks for your support. hugs.t.x
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Luke
10/9/2017 07:56:38 pm
I have been in the fog still am by the time some one reads this. My parents step mom and real dad, make feel like I was always wrong, that I am not good enough that I disrespect them when I don’t rise my voice I talk to them in a calm manner I get yelled at for leavening a peanut butter jar open on accident. That I feel lesser when I walk into my house
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Amy Williams
2/1/2018 05:27:57 am
I am still living with the narcissist. I am still in the fog. One minute Im ready to boot him to the curve and the next I am feeling sorry for him. He uses sympathy to get what he wants. I am just realizing this is a sick person. I feel just as sick as him for allowing him to make me feel this way.
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Emma
1/15/2019 03:31:03 pm
Narcs always try to get your sympathy and will use pity plays and act the martyr but it is just that...an act . Read all you can on boundaries, stay calm and know you are worthy of respect and real love. Don't under any circumstances accept anyone making you feel small or stupid. You deserve better. We all do.
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Thenese
8/3/2018 04:51:22 am
I filled for Divorce after receiving a job and leaving for China, only to return 7 days later and finding the same crap. I had to return back to therapy. He is texting me but now I'm readying through them carefully and not giving him the reply he is looking for..
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daniel welcher
10/4/2018 07:39:57 pm
Met an attractive woman bar tender in a bar. She introduced herself and asked me for a kiss. HER story is she just thought I'd give her a peck, we'll I laid one on her and she said she couldn't forget about it. We danced the night away. Gave her my number and she started texting me. She did all that in front of God and everyone else , then I found out she was married. She played the victim really well. Always talked about her looks and everybody wanted her. At first I thought she was just alright looking. Then we started seeing more and more of each other. The sex started and I guess I was hooked. Ran her husbund down all the time. Said she wanted out. Told me I was her soulmate and love of her life and she never loved anyone like this before. Looked up tattoos to get in our honor. She moved in with me and divorced her husbund who she said she never loved and gambled all the time, but she was always right with him. They even took there son to the casino . They would lose their money get drunk and fight and then get the son out of kids quest and go to the room and one parent would sleep with him. He doesn't know what a normal family is like because his parents never spent any quality time togeather. He expects one of his parents to hang out with him 24/7 because he has no friends and won't leave the house. She wanted an engagement ring so I bought her one. She was so proud of it. Then the problems started. She said I needed to show off and get attention. Started accusing me of checking every female out. The females didn't have to be attractive. I started to have blinders on. Was never happy going out in public with her. I'm a smart man, not going to look with my wife there. I never flirted or thought about cheating on her. Then we got married and the complements stoped. She loved her wedding ring so much she said. Things slowly started to change. I did everything she asked and more. She said my friends were fake. Accused me of sleeping with my sister in law. Sex was always good. She talked herself up so much but I always wondered why her exes weren't better looking and her kids wasn't very attractive. Might sound mean but true. HER daughter from an earlier relationship has a bunch of mental problems. But when your raised in an alcolic environment with a nartistic mom you would be messed up to. WIFE always wanted me to text her in the morning and tell her I loved her. She'd always texted me right back. If she was at work she'd want me to text her . When she went bowling she'd always texted me. Then all the sudden her text stoped coming so fast or not at all. She would talk to her ex husbund everyday . But if he was so bad why would she even want to. She would go 4 days without seeing her son but then all of a sudden she got jealous of her ex husbund girlfriends relationship with her son . I think only because he's real book smart and it reflects on her. I started to question why she stoped texting me and got nowhere. She started staying late at work and drinking on the hob and smoking weed. I worked mornings so I had to go to bed early. I'm 50 so I don't want to be with someone who has to drink on the job. She started to take longer running to the bank and store. I know her ways so I questioned her. I never felt comfortable trusting her because of her past. She always said she didn't need the bars so I stayed home. I know my worth , told her I wasn't going to be treated like her ex because I was always there for her. She took her ring off and started hanging out late just like she did in her other two relationships . Ran me down and said I look rediculous and everybody is making fun of me. I know it isn't true because I've been told I don't look 50 and I'm good looking . She felt entitled to sleep on my couch accusing me of sleeping with my step niece who I knew way before we got togeather. She would show up at the races were I was at. I just wanted to avoid her because I know she's such a flirt with every man. Then it happened , I stoped at a bar my family owns and the bar tender showed me a picture of my wife holding hands with an old looking man. He has gray hair and heavy set. She didn't come home that night but wore a man's 2x shirt home. We were supposed to file for divorce finally and did. I told her not to come home anymore and stay where she did that night. Told me she stayed at her sisters house. I called her sister and told her to talk some since into and move out. HER sister knew nothing about her staying there and told me she didn't . Goes to show you it doesn't matter what they look like they will sleep with anyone. Told her I was way Pickering then she was. I know she was way drunk but still. To through it in my face is pure narcissism . I never herd of narcissism until she said I was. I started looking it up and it's like they wrote the text book on her. I blocked her on my phone because all she wanted to do
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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