Withholding is a powerful tool in the Narcissist’s game. They play keep away with what they know you want or need. You express an interest in something? They purposely hold back on giving it to you.
Many times, Narcissists outright refuse to provide you with what you want or ask for. They do this as a punishment for not doing what they want, or for not being submissive or compliant. If you dare to speak up or fight back, they will punish you with the silent treatment and withhold any kind of affection.
A perfect example I actually kept a diary entry on this incident. It was Dec. 10, 2010. I was talking with the kids on webcam. My NX was living with his parents at the time, so Skype was “allowed.” My then 2 year old son had taken a marker to my NX’s parent’s white bedroom door. My NX said, “Ooh, I’m gonna kill you (my son’s name).” Then, a few minutes later, my daughter said, “Daddy’s gonna kill (my son’s name).” A few minutes after that, my NX yelled at my son again because he was opening and closing the bedroom door. My son called out, “Daddy!” My NX screamed, “Not now (my son’s name).” My son wanted something and my NX screamed again, “You want it, go get it!” And then yelled again, “Get down. Down!” My son called out to my NX again, “Daddy.” Again, my NX said, “No, go away. I’m mad at you.” This went on for several minutes. My NX was intentionally withholding love from my son. All my son wanted was to be held. My son again said, “Daddy.” My NX again said, “You be quiet. I’m mad at you.” It’s a sick tactic Narcissists will withhold anything from anyone, as long as they know it’s something the other person wants or needs. The above example with my son is a perfect example because my son just wanted to be comforted and loved – something my NX was unwilling and incapable of providing. These sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance and special entitlement.”
It’s eye opening to look back on my time with my NX and recall the countless times he withheld his love and affection, his companionship, and everything else. The only time he showed any kind of “affection” was when it benefited him!
If the Narcissists are met with questions on why they aren’t giving affection or attention, they could either explode in anger or give more of the silent treatment. I’ve had my NX do that all…..scream at me, “God, you are SO needy. Can’t you find something to do without clinging to me?” or he’d glare at me and walk into another room, not saying a word. You never know what you’re going to get with a Narcissist! Why do Narcissists do this? Narcissists withhold because they know it will cause you pain and distress. It will make you feel unwanted, unloved, useless and undesired. They are conditioning you to never act so “needy” again. How do they do that? Well, by consistently withholding whatever it is that they are withholding, they are indirectly teaching you how to act and behave. They are conditioning you to stop a certain behavior or change how you do things. Has the Narcissist used the withholding tactic with you? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
41 Comments
Kylee Taylor
11/2/2016 06:31:59 pm
Going through family court he keeps withholding access to my 7 yr old daughter 😥
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Jenn
11/4/2016 05:59:33 am
Kylee......Good luck to you. I hope the courts see the games he's playing and you can have access to your daughter.
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Kylee
11/7/2016 05:40:24 pm
Thank you 😊
Jenn
11/10/2016 08:34:51 pm
Kylee.....You're welcome.
Karrie
11/10/2017 12:19:46 pm
Dealing with a narcissist just once is bad enough. Having to deal with one for the rest of your life is the worst! My ex is the same way. And so is his mother! My mother in law and my ex don’t get along because of this. And they are both involved in the 7 years of custody hearings. Both unbearable. I know how you feel. You seem to be the only honest and non manipulativate person during those hearings, am I right? I have had here some horrifying stories from my son. What grandma said. What daddy said. What either or both of them did. And they both see my son as a possession. Not a real human being with real emotions. It’s all about what he is good at or even worse, what they see as ‘bad’. He gets a pat on the head for getting straight A’s but God forbid my son messes up in one of his very many sports games, he won’t stop hearing the critism for weeks. Sometimes my ex just gives up on him entirely and leaves him with my mother in law for weeks or months. Even if my son is ‘doing okay’, my ex husband and mother in law always get into it. And that’s enough to keep him away from his own child. Just so he doesn’t have to see his mother. Because, in his words, “She’ll never stop treating me like this! In her eyes, I will always be a **** up, just because I made a mistake years ago! No, I’m never going back there. I don’t care if I don’t get to visit (my son’s name), I won’t visit in her house!” Mind you, that ‘mistake’? It was a 10 year long mistake. And he still gets custody!!! 😱 But I have not stopped fighting in court. I will never stop. I always seem to lose because they twist my words in court, accuse me of ridiculous things- with a straight face... I don’t know how the judge doesnt see it! But at the same time, I did not see I was living with/engaged to/married to a narcissist for a decade! During the course of our relationship,he was gaslighting me. And by the time I tried to leave with my son, even before I knew exactly how toxic my marriage was, I was already so full of self doubt, low self esteem, dependent etc, that before I could leave (he would lock me in the garage/room/house, take all my money, R.I.P. my plane tickets or cancel them) I had a nervous breakdown and he was taken away from me. It took me SO long to recover. And it’s still difficult, because he still tries to come and use me as a source every year or so. But the worst thing is, and the reason I’m going to get to my son ASAP, is seeing how it affects my son and his self esteem. I don’t want him to turn into his father or grandmother. So, I guess I would say, if NO CONTACT is not an option, then be careful about showing him any new vulnerabilities that he can feed off of. He already knows your old ones. I keep my ex far far away. I have set boundaries and even though he slips past one sometimes, it keeps him at bay. Know what you want your boundaries to be and set them. I don’t know about you, but I have stopped trying to outsmart him. They DO NOT think like we do. They don’t care about anybody but themselves. To protect their fragile egos, they will sacrifice anybody, including (and especially) their children. Good luck! I don’t know how long this custody battle has been going on but you kind of start to learn their patterns and tricks in court, although there is always a few surprises each time. It’s so much harder than a custody battle normally is. Take care! I feel for you. Do not give up. :)
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Amanda
12/24/2016 07:22:36 pm
Your site is amazing, really great information you're passing along and thank you so much for sharing your story.
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Jenn
12/25/2016 10:39:11 am
Amanda......Thank you so much for your kind words. I am sorry that you endured what you did. I hope that when you move back to your hometown that you find peace and strength. Being surrounded by familiarity is vital to healing and recovery. I think that's why I am glad I moved back to living near family after my NX discarded me. Like you, I began to research my feelings and what I read shocked me. My NX fit everything to a tee, as well. I thought.....wow, there's a name for everything that I've been through. No need to apologize for rambling. In fact, rambling sometimes helps to sort out all the confusion and odd feelings we feel. So ramble away. Have you seen my Facebook page by the same name? Just click on the F icon at the top of this page and like my page.....I post so much more than my own blogs. You will begin to find your footing again. Healing is a long journey. You will have bad days. You will have good days. It's okay to have those bad days. Hang in there.
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Stacy
6/24/2017 02:41:38 am
Amanda--My NX said the same to me--discarded me after 11 years in the middle of dinner at a busy restaurant, accused me of being "incapable of having an adult conversation" because started crying after he said it was over. I left him there at the restaurant and drove home, he wound up "charging" me for the dinner by reducing the money he owed me for bills by the cost of our meals. A real piece of work. It's still so hard to be without him after such a long time together; but I'm realizing what a blessing this is going to be once I get thru it.
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Linda Bailey
4/16/2017 06:36:40 am
My ex narc consistently withheld sex from me.
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Julianna
7/1/2017 10:07:32 am
Linda......It's a way for them to have control over us. They withhold whatever they think we need and/or want.
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Brooke
7/24/2017 01:31:56 am
Mine does...he hasn't touched me in 9 months amd shows no desire of giving in anytime soon. Sex is my #1 thing and he knows it the minute he found out how much I loved it..the games began
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Jodie
2/7/2018 09:59:27 pm
Same here !! It's been 3 months though, he says it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't need it. He shows NO affection at all, I can't tell you the last time he touched me
Dee
9/19/2018 12:44:06 pm
Omg same here
Bobbi
4/2/2020 10:04:29 pm
I'm still living in covert narc hell. As soon as this virus is over & life gets back to normal I'm leaving him. I can't tell you the last time we had sex it's been at least 3 years. I'm done
elaine grant
5/5/2018 06:56:34 am
my ex narc of 10 years wud withhold when he was getting sex from someone else..
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Electa
2/12/2019 06:24:22 pm
My boyfriend of 6 years withhold sex and affection if I go against him at all or I don't do something ...I was sick once and didn't jump up to do as he asked so when I tried to get a hug later he said he was to tired and asked why I hadn't done what he asked....and he will tell me if I do the dishes or whatever it is he is wanting me to do at that time then I MIGHT can have have a hug or sex but not till then I would then be like OK and go do what he wanted and guess what then I wouldn't get it...he would always just out of the blue say well I was going to have sex with you tonight but......I feel so ignorant I get the silent treatment if I get upset about something that he has wrongly said or done like his comments about other women....I feel so ignorant and hurt but I can't bring myself to leave after 6 yrs of this why....???
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Lola
4/17/2017 09:49:48 pm
My friends ex withheld a lot of things but withholding information from others was a huge one. It literally isolated her inn her home. She never got a message given to him from anyone. He filtered everything.
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Julianna
7/1/2017 10:09:31 am
Lola.........Yup, that's another way Narcissists withhold. They hide things from us like that. Then, when we approach them and say, "Why didn't you give us that message?" They gaslight us and say, "Oh but I did. Don't you remember I gave it to you the other day. You must be losing your mind. I gave that message to you." The NX did that stuff to me too.I always wondered why I never got messages from my mother!
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Heather
5/10/2017 03:42:23 pm
Right now the narcissist is on day 4 of abrupt withdrawal of contact, claiming to need to sleep all day.
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Julianna
7/1/2017 10:11:30 am
Heather.........They will use whatever tactics they can to accomplish their goal of having power and control over us. His claim of needing to sleep all day is a strategic way of disengaging from you to see how you'd react. Knowing what to look out for and learning how not to react is always a good thing. So keep that up. You've got this! Hang in there.
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Worth
9/23/2017 02:31:07 pm
Struggling with my relationship and was reading this blog. When I saw the description of NX, wondered about depression. I know nothing, please don't be angry/offended by my wondering. What ever the cause of NX behavior, you deserve to be happy.
Kari
7/5/2017 11:06:26 am
Witholding is the most cruel and destructive tactic by a human being to another because it makes you feel invisible. I've been grappling with this now on and more off for almost 2yrs. I don't believe the N is capable of change, but I keep going back to the dry well for water. I realize that I'm using him as a proxy for my dad. He abandoned me when I was 2 and I've never seen him since. I've spent enough time in therapy to know how these things are all connected. I just want to break free for good and say F' off....I am worthy of love!!!
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Erin
7/6/2017 11:04:58 pm
After almost 32 years of life with THE BIG N, I finally got it. Each day brings more realization, self-recrimination, etc. I am getting stronger, because I WANT to. Never again will I allow another human being to exercise that much control over me. For all of you out there going through this, YOU are worth more than what you got so far. Respect, engagement, commitment, affection, real love are beyond the grasp of a narcissist. Quoting here from a song: I hope tomorrow you find better things.
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Mary
8/18/2017 07:29:32 pm
It's been a week of NO CONTACT. And it's great! I feel I've got my life back. I lost who I was for 2 years cos of the constant drama with him. Claimed to be sick with chronic headaches, pain and illness. All untrue. He wanted to hide his lies and keep me from finding out the truth. Withholding affection was a big thing with him. He went missing for weeks, wouldn't talk to me for days. Would text, not talk on the phone. I thought it was strange. But I now realize he must have been with many others and getting whatever he needed from them. He would always contact me when he hit rock bottom, no money, no place to go. He knew I would feel sorry and he knew how to get stuff through his charming, loving behavior that he would just switch on (and switch off) when he wanted to. He is pathetic and disgusting. Also being raised as a Catholic we've been taught to forgive, have compassion and unconditional love. This is totall BS. It has got me staying with this looser for two years, waiting for him to change, waiting for him to make decisions about our future, children etc. I'm so relieved. No more tears, no more guessing where he is, what he's doing, who he's with. No more investigating him cos he gives so little insight into him, always hiding stuff, keeping me away from his family and life. I am blessed to get out of this 'relationship'. I feel after two years I hardly know this guy. Thanks everyone for your comments here. Get out and get your life back ladies! All the best!
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Kim
9/13/2017 05:28:27 pm
Not sure if he was withholding sex and affection or if he was cheating. He cheated previously. Three years. I loved him and tried to forgive. While trying to forgive I find texts to a different woman, 20 dating sites and lots of porn, flirting, staring at women when we were together, always hours late. Strange text at 10 in the morning. I'm at the movie theatre. He said It was to a telemarketer so they would stop calling him. If I complained I'm starting my crap he would say and them the silent treatment until I went to him. Five weeks I've went no contact after throwing his things in the yard.
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Mary
9/13/2017 06:00:34 pm
Hi Kim, this is so typical. I've experienced the same behavior. I mean it's word to word, exactly the same. I've contacted the guy via email to return his stuff. He's disregarded my timeframes which were very flexible and he's suggested his own times. I've indicated that it doesn't work for me. So now I'm getting the silent treatment. I've indicated to him that the stuff will be thrown out by the weekend. I think he's even more mad with me!
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Kim
9/13/2017 07:34:23 pm
Mary, six years. The first three I knew something was off, but as he would tell me later, you believed what you wanted to. I believed him. The week before his other girlfriend called me he looked me in the eyes, said I was the only one, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I left him. He came back promising he would never hurt me again if I gave him a second chance. Two months later I find texts to a "friend" of his to give him what he wanted, send him naked pictures, sex with him would be a journey not a trip, on and on. He would run when she called with a problem with her car. I still stated. I get the computer fixed and find out he's on at least 20 dating sites. Legit ones and the adult friend finder ones. Mad at me. I'm checking behind him. No different than porn. Which was a nightly thing. I look back and remember all the times I cried hurt because of rejection. All the things I tried. And I would get yelled at. So I don't know if He was cheating again. I just trusted my gut this time. And I was tired. Gaslighting. I just want to stop thinking about it. Him it still hurts. I wish you all the best as well.
Mary
9/13/2017 08:39:35 pm
Hi Kim, you deserve so much better than this. And this is what I had to discover. My ex was nothing, he had nothing to offer. I had and have everything to offer. They are so confused and got me to a point where I was mirroring him. I was carefree and loving before I met this person.
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Kim
9/14/2017 09:15:52 am
Thank you Mary. I was like you. I trusted people, I was happy before him. With him I was angry, suspicious all the time. I had always been very independent. I am the first woman he was with that I know of that worked, had my own house and didn't live with their mom. And he is 50. Its funny, my sister told me I needed counseling to figure out myself. Why I took him back when I found out he had been playing two of us. One thing I will credit him for is he taught me what to look out for. I've been told he has lost it and isn't taking the breakup well. I'm sad by that and also happy about. I differed a lot in the relationship. If I wasn't wounded I don't think I would care. Thank you for talking with me. I do appreciate it. I feel like you are a special person. I hope you find happiness.
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peggy
10/17/2017 10:52:47 am
I ultimately realized that narcs are not wired correctly. They are severely damaged individuals that cannot really function in society as their real selves so reinvent the façade they show to the world. Behind closed doors they are nasty, petty, cruel selfish s.o.b.'s. The addiction that develops between them and their mates is nothing short of a torturous nightmare that is extremely mentally and emotionally abusive. I now realize there is no hope for change ever and need to save myself, my sanity and that my very life depends on it.
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2liveor2die
12/26/2019 04:08:45 pm
Satan is real. I really did not deserve this. He is Covert. I have no one, I will die here. Please help me.
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Beverly
10/21/2017 12:23:21 pm
I am now trying to divorce my N husband of almost 3 yrs. I'm like so many others, totally stunned how my life has turned out these past 3 yrs. After reading all of these articles I am so stunned to realize my life wasn't as unusual as I thought it was! I'm an intelligent woman...i have a college degree but yet I was completely fooled by my husband. Looking back I realize I was the "perfect person" to attract a N. I had just come out of an abusive marriage and it took me 15 months to get my divorce. My husband came in and literally swept me off my feet...he literally gave me everything I had never gotten...attention an d Alot of it! I was in heaven! Until we had our first argument....and then he completely cut me out of his life for 2 months. I was horrified...i had never had anyone treat me like that. He refused to answer any of my texts or phone calls. Then completely out of the blue he texted and wanted to come over....and if course I immediately told him yes!! We got back together that night...even though he never apologized for his cold behavior. You see it was ALL my fault. I fell for that. Fast forward and we got married. I thought I must be so needy, cause it was like I could never get enough of his attention. But looking back I felt that way because I rarely for his full attention. We never did anything I wanted to do...i completely left my friends and gave up doing things I enjoyed. I completely immersed myself into his world. And his world was completely different from the world I was raised in. They out the next 2 yrs it was the same thing...things would be fine...translated to mean I did exactly what he wanted....about every 6 months I would finally get tired of my needs bring met and so overwhelmed that o would finally stand up for myself. Big mistake...and I would dearly pay for that! I didn't realize that he was gaslighting me I just knew his angry was unbelievably scary...to the point I would leave for a few days...i was scared. This went on for 2 yrs. Then things really took a turn for the worst...my husband joined a motorcycle club....and boy did that feed into his massive ego!! It made things 10 times worse...and I didn't think that was possible. After a year of this I finally left for 2 months. Unfortunately I went back. But I knew immediately I had made a mistake. His behavior became much worse. The lies, the ego trips, the constant need for admiration, the refusal to let me know financially was going on....i never could figure out where the money was disappearing to, the refusal to answer my questions...which he took as defiance....which REALLY makes things worse!! I finally left. Now 6 weeks later I still can't get him to sign divorce papers....its all about control. It is ALWAYS about control. For 3 yrs I thought I had become a very needy person, I became someone who was so grateful for any attention he gave me. I became so starved for affection, a compliment, desperate for a touch, no sex. I am finally beginning the stages of healing. I am able to recognize now my needs were important....that he was deliberately with holding them from me. I am now able to come to realize and accept that my marriage was never real...and that has been the hardest thing to face, because I loved him so so much. Now I am focusing on my needs and learning to stand up for myself. I am also looking at men at a completely different angle now. Does it hurt...yes. it hurts worse than anything I have ever been thru. He took advantage of me...he knee I had a big heart...and he took advantage of that....he knew I didn't want another divorce....he really broke my heart. But now my life is all about me....and I am just fine with that!
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Karrie
11/10/2017 02:49:31 pm
My mind is reeling. I just found out that my boyfriend/recent ex boyfriend is a narcissist. He fits every single characteristic in every article I read about, every page about narcissists, and I cannot believe that I didn’t see it all as an illness before. The main problem is: we’re broken up and I’m STILL living with him! I’m having trouble packing. I hate packing in general but it’s like he’s doing everything in his power to keep me from leaving. He has quit with the charm, because it’s not working, so he’s doing everything he can to upset me and stress me out so he can feed off of me that way. Because that still shows how much power he has over me. Negative or positive reaction- he doesn’t care. I’m so exhausted all the time, trying to fight him off without fighting. I can’t win with him, that’s obvious. I’m just trying to keep him at bay but he still finds a way! Like to the point where my body or mind says okay, you’ve had enough, and I just fall asleep no matter how hard I fight to stay awake. Two to three times a day, not including regular sleep cycles- which I no longer have. I barely get anything done! And I apologize ahead of time but I have nobody to talk to besides my male best friend. And I tend to ramble. Although I just wrote about my Narc Ex husband up there in a response, I got myself into relationship with ANOTHER one 5 years ago. And we just broke up 3 months ago. I thought I would be gone by now but all my insecurities are coming at me from all sides! And if my NX sees me stressing over a particular insecurity or need, he WILL take advantage of the opportunity and make me feel worse. Such as: How am I going to be able to go to the store when I’m gone? He will intentionally not take me to the store for days. Or he knows I’m hungry right? Or I’m losing weight? He will do everything in his power to make sure I only eat once a day. How? By eating everything else in the house. By only offering to grab something that he knows I hate to eat. By spending his and the little of my money (or making it seem as though it’s all gone... then one day, POOF! He’s got a bunch of cash and comes home with groceries. But not before forcing me to choose and write a grocery list. Knowing that I have no appetite. At this point I’m so I indecisive that he uses that to his advantage. Or he starved me. While he gets in HIS car and goes and grabs lunch or breakfast (this was going on for a while. I’d be waiting to eat with him and thought he was as hungry as I was but apparently, from old receipts I recently found, he’s been eating quite a bit.) I know I sound like the weakest person that ever lived right now but I was never like this. Not even with my ex husband. I have always been the independent type. Always made my own money and even paid for my loved ones- especially my partners. I’ve cooked for myself and others. It actually used to be a hobby. I’ve always been social. I have always stopped a relationship in its tracks if I felt something was off. I’ve always been very confident, with pretty decent self esteem, considering that I had a pretty messed up childhood. I used to be outgoing and people would always describe me as either “charming, , mysterious, intelligent and/or intriguing”. Before my narcissistic ex HUSBAND, people used to actually say I had a bubbly personality! Now?? Nuh uh. And most importantly, if I was ever in a jam, I would ALWAYS find a way out. I didn’t allow people to play mind games with me. I’ve been around enough manipulative people to where I thought I would know one when I saw it. Yes my ex was a narcissist as well but I got out a roughly around 4 months to a year before his mask slipped. This experience feels different. But the “I’m about to crack any second and have a nervous breakdown” feeling is not new. I would never have ended up with Alex (let’s call him that), if we didn’t meet during a very specific time in my life, where I had recently gotten drugged, raped, and left for dead by 3 people. And maybe if I had not ended a relationship 8 months before that. Yes, I’ve always been in codependent relationships and I’ve always been a bit jealous. The jealousy comes from years of experience from men who have always lied and eventually, Id come to find out, cheated. But when I met Alex, I told myself (and later him) that I was going to trust him completely. I wasn’t going to fall back into old habits of checking stupid Facebook or his phone or anything like that. Now I know: trust needs to be earned. He didn’t speak much on our first date. But he did listen (now I know why). And that’s okay because I can talk forever. Lol. Too much. But he seemed very interested, very kind, a good listener, and STABLE (I don’t mean financially. He just seemed like
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Karrie
11/10/2017 04:05:35 pm
He seemed perfect. I wasn’t exactly physically attracted to him at that time but I didn’t care. I knew from my last relationship that even the most beautiful person can look ugly on the outside, so I guess you could say I settled. I was hoping for a slim chance at a stable normal long term relationship. Maybe even someone worthy of being a real father to my son (a quiet wish). I used to go for the wild ones. But this time I decided I’d rather have a boring life than a roller coaster. Everything Amanda described below is EXACTLY what’s been going on. And everything I’m dreading. A week after the breakup, I was trying to figure out where to live (since I was/am completely dependent on him, even though I’m usually the independent one.) He had chipped away at my soul so slowly for 5 years that it took me this long to take notice. I don’t have any words about the loss of time and effort. And the loss of self esteem and sense of self. He has always withheld things/emotions/needs away from me. To make me more needy. I started to notice that he liked it when I got sick. I started to notice a lot of things. He would tell me one thing about something not too important, but then the next day completely say the opposite. Example: “You were so funny in your sleep earlier. I can’t believe you slept all afternoon!” Then the next day, he’s say, “You should really try and get some sleep. You haven’t slept for more than 4 hours in the past two days.” And I’d be thinking, what? Nnnno... then, really?? Or he would say or do something and then the next day, deny what he said or did. With SUCH conviction that I would doubt myself. He would just deny deny deny. It continued on like that until I trusted him more than I trusted myself. As I got weaker and more worn out physically and mentally, the easier it was for him. And he didn’t have to try as hard. But I’d still try and argue and make my case and that’s when I’d get stone walled or get the silent treatment. Silent treatment is half the reason I feel so nuts right now! It’s so frustrating to not get an answer. To anything. I even give him options. Okay, you don’t want to explain so is it option a) yes, you do? Or option b) you’re mad at me? Silent treatment always made me wonder or feel like I did something so wrong that he didn’t even want to say a word to me. After a while, like 4 years later, I’d get angry. But he knew all this. That’s why he uses it so often. Don’t get me started with his family. We have been living with them. I wondered why he never wanted to move out. He always promised me we’d get out as soon as he was done with the military (which, btw, he claimed not to be in when I told him during our first date that I don’t date men in the military, because I would be too worried all the time. Surprise surprise, he still had 2 years to go!) So, why not move out when he was finished? He had already been so proud of my job but made me quit (I know, confusing right? He was telling me what I wanted to hear at the time when really he just wanted me to quit.) He did the usual ‘surrounds himself with people who would never go against the narcissist’s word or question him’ thing. He would tell them (mom, sister, father) one thing or 3, and then tell me something else and just sit back and watch the commotion. But his mother is very similar to him and she also had her own special abuse reserved for myself and her daughter. Then her daughter, Alex’s sister, would take it out on me. I really started to think there was something wrong with me. That maybe, after everything I had been through, I was just damaged goods. You guys are on this page for a reason, I’m sure you know some of the things that happened to fill in the gaps here. I’m writing all this so that if someone is really confused about whether they’re in a relationship with a narcissist or not, that my story might clear it up a bit. So yes, there was a lot of psychological abuse, three year old toddler like tantrums, and no physical abuse for a while. Not YET. I started to notice changes in the relationship that were more drastic. In the beginning it was so great but after 18 months, it had changed so much that our relationship was barely recognizable. Probably because I got a peek behind the curtain. He was and has always been into prostitutes. I found out in the most painful way. He wasn’t using any protection. But he kept insisting that he “was being safe”. No, that’s not safe. I have a child. It’s not just about me anymore. If I were to get some awful disease, what would happen to my son? And I was so baffled that he didn’t even take my health into account, you know, at the very least. At first he denied it. I showed him proof- emails, bank statements, pictures of these
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Karrie
11/10/2017 04:12:05 pm
bank statements, pictures of these women and still- he stuck to his guns!! Once he knew that I knew and he couldn’t get me to forgive him, that’s when he got more abusive. I guess he realized that I was a real human being with real flaws and that I saw he was NOT the perfect god he had made himself up to be: we both knew the truth. And he HATED that. I tried to leave him. For two months. But I didn’t know about NO CONTACT. I had never seen him so sad, so apologetic. He even asked me over the phone how I would like him to kill him self. For me to choose how he should die because of the pain I caused him. And that he didn’t know the amount of damage he was causing until it was too late. When really, he was using work as an excuse. He’d plan weeks if not months ahead of time. He’d even ask me to make him a sandwich so that he “has energy after his shift to stay longer “. No he knew what he was doing. And he was getting pleasure out of toying with me like that. I let him back in slowly. And once, when my roommate was not home, when I got upset and started to cry about what he had done, he beat me up so bad that I had my arm in a splint. He was choking me until I could barely say “stop” anymore. He apologized and made more promises. He would never do that at his parents house but 2 weeks in, where I’m alone and the physical abuse begins. But after I moved back in with him a month later, the story of what happened that day got all diluted. And in the end, it was I who was threatening him. It was my fault because I “held a knife in my hand.” I don’t remember any of that but okay, maybe?? I still insisted that he used unnecessary force and should have stopped before he finished thrashing me from one corner of the room to the other. By that point, he didn’t care as much about being sorry. And he didn’t keep one promise. Not ONE. He went to one meeting for sex addicts and came back as if he understood it all from one meeting and he never went back. Black eyes continued, with ‘family meetings’ where the mother and sister would say that if I only cooked more, and worked more, and took care of him more, then he wouldn’t be “like this “ with me. Or if I did those things, he wouldn’t have “had to go do those things with other women.” Or, “this is a Godly home and that kind of language is not allowed in this house. You need to stop yelling at him. That’s why he does these things.” Gaslighting. It was over by then, I just didn’t know it. That was 3 years ago. I’m still not away from him. Anyway, right after the breakup,(3 months ago) I noticed he was withholding my medication from me- which I had previously asked him to hold onto. When I needed it, he would either pretend like he didn’t hear me, or he’d change the subject, stay silent, give me a look or say “okay”- without actually getting up to get the medication he had hidden away from me. This is when I realized that he cannot be relied on in the future. He’s withholding food, sleep, privacy, any kind of conversation, he hasn’t helped me unpack from the last time we moved (3 months ago, when he bought a house for himself and his family behind my back- even though we didn’t have money for ANY apartment???) so I’ve had to unpack his things, pack them again, separate our things, pack mine again (all from boxes)... now all that’s left is the stuff we need to split up. I have to do the packing/unpacking/packing in the living room because there’s no room in the tiniest bedroom in this house- which happens to be our bedroom. That’s where the boxes are.And as far as I know, nobody else knows I’m moving out yet so I’m pressured by everyone to unpack. Except if I really were to, there is nowhere to fit anything and 2) why doesn’t your unemployed Golden boy help me?? So sorry, I’m back and forth with all this but this is how my mind is. Anyway, his mask- he completely changed from loving to gaslighting / charming/ abusive/ to just not giving a fudge! He doesn’t care if he looks like he’s never cared about me. I’ve been in one other breakup before, and that’s not how it was when we were waiting for our lease to end and move out. My second ex was still the same guy, more or less. But the guy I’m talking about now? WOW! It’s like he completely changed from loving/distant silent boyfriend to this hateful selfish monster. His mask didn’t just slip. He tore it off!! That’s when I finally looked up ‘gaslighting’- the term my best friend had used several times in the past during my panicked phone calls to him. And I realized that he’s a narcissist! I already knew that he had some awful ways of dealing with things, that he didn’t feel emotions like others, an
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Karrie
11/10/2017 04:15:58 pm
some awful ways of dealing with things, that he didn’t feel emotions like others, and that the relationship changed really quickly; And I’m just ending it now. But I didn’t know that it was an actual diagnosis or it was common. Reading about it still fascinates me. Because I’m still here. Trying to pack. He’s doing everything he can to keep me from going, even though he said the words (I had spoken about breaking up for 3 years because of his infidelity, but he never wanted to. But he had to have the control. He sensed it was coming regardless of whether I had a place to go or not, so it had to be HIM who broke up with me. Good riddance!) So thank you for sharing your story. I know what not to do in the near future. Thank you everyone. I really hope someone can just snap me out of it ASAP. Just need to get out of here. That’s it and then... well, I’ll deal with things as they come. The only good thing is: I know not to expect anything from him in the future since he’s already shown me more in 3 months than he has in 5 years. Oh hell no, I’m definitely not falling for it again! I pray that I don’t. Advice would be appreciated! I’m so so so sorry that I took up so much space. It’s just that I’m at the end of my rope and I need to get out now!
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Marty
6/22/2018 09:47:07 pm
I’m so frustrated. My NBF used to tell me I was beautiful, sexy , etc. Now NOTHING! I try hard to look nice and he knows it but says things like “those are some fancy shoes you have on”. What does that mean. He withholds compliments and all affection. He used to be so affectionate and loving. All an act. He has been married twice and engaged once before she left him but he claims she has a mental disorder. I think he says that to validate her leaving him. He tells me I need constant reassurance and validation. Finally I said why don’t you tell me how I feel and I got a 3 year old behavior of no speaking for the rest of the night. I don’t need validation because I’m confident in how I look and who I am. It just sucks. I need to leave him but try but never can.
Mary
7/28/2018 05:38:47 pm
Dear Kerry
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Emma
2/23/2019 06:00:47 pm
My husband wouldn’t let me see him naked or have sex for months because I wanted the covers off during sex. He often withheld such things when I didn’t behave a certain way. After reading this post, I realize he withheld a lot of things with growing regularlity. The last year I lived with him, he couldn’t even smile at me. He could smile if someone else walked up but not with me. Of course if I tried to talk to him about it, he’d either pitch a fit or say well if you didn’t....
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sad but strong
6/10/2019 12:11:47 am
Thank you for your explanation of withholding. I've known my husband of 31 yrs is an ACoA (Adult Child of Alcoholic) for about 3 yrs now, and although the ACoA's 'laundry list' (their specific problems) describes him to a T, it never explained everything. Only within the last week have I discovered the very real world of Covert Narcissists, and this describes him as nothing else ever did. There are SO many things I've said about him (to myself mostly) over the last 5 years that are the exact description of a CN. "It's ALWAYS ALL about HIM" ... "he doesn't know what love really is" ... "one day he says one thing, next week the opposite" ... and soooo much more!!! And yes, he's used withholding tactics for years - I just never understood the dynamics of WHY he would do such a thing!
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Al mall
2/16/2020 04:46:40 am
My sis is currently refusing to let her children interact with me because i disobeyed her and voiced my concern again regarding what i believe are red flags involving grandpa. My nephew(11) and niece(13)spend time at their grandparents house, my nephee every weekemd as granpa seems to demand they dleep in the same room granpa and nephew. From my perspective he has been brainwashed. He hardly thonks for himself, its ehat granpa wants. He made to believe he better than us expecialy , yet hes bery insicure. Its text book brainwashing on bothsides. Shmptoms of and the techniqued used. I love them dearly. Not to mention the red flags where the boy acts out when returning home . Poor grades fighting and social problems. He constantly brags while telling everyone they are garbage, yet hed not foing well as the rest and is insecure. He recently decided he w ouldstay home pne weekend becuase he wanted to go to the skatepark and i was to take him. Granpa was furious. I must also mention that dad is not around. Since then mynephee has been disrepectfull to me when he returned home the following weekend and its ad if somtjing changef. This worried me as i ihink there is emoitional abuse on behalf of grandpa. ( Im positive). My niece confirrs and agrees that its wierd. My nepphew is more loyal and attracted( in general) to granpa. This wasy convern . Now i geel so depressef as i iive next door and o see them longing for my love and zffection yet their mom will repremand them for saying hello. Im supposed to suffer (her kidd to)bit it seems more important that imiserable till shes satisfied that she allow me to be vulnerable to suffrring once again if i disobey her ( cross a bounry) by not know my role as an uncle. This has stirref a hatered in me for allowing the kids any grief whts soever in order to suffer me.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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