What is triangulation? How do Narcissists use it to their advantage? What are its effects on you, the target? Triangulation is one of the many tactics that the Narcissist uses. Have you wondered why other people seem to always be involved or hang around?
What is triangulation by definition?
Triangulation is an indirect form of abuse where a third person is brought into the mix without that third person knowing it is for the purpose of abusing the target. My NX used his NS (new supply) in a triangulation incident in May. I called to talk to my daughter on her birthday. They were getting ready to go out. The next thing I know, I hear the new supply in the background doing my daughter's hair! While I'm on the phone with my daughter. It couldn't have waited?? Nope. Not in a Narcissist's eyes. They need to have that power and control over the target. They do it to try to get a reaction. Any kind of reaction. Using triangulation to their advantage Narcissists employ the use of triangulation as a means of power and control over their targets. The biggest platform in which to do this is social media. My NX has also used his new supply in this fashion on Facebook several times. He's posted things like "she's calmed the beast within me" and that he can be himself around her because he used to "get beat." She's being used for triangulation and she doesn't even know it! Narcissists love Facebook and other social media platforms because it's an easy way to wave their new supply in your face. They loudly declare their new found happiness by posting pictures and status updates. Even when conversing via the phone or email, Narcissists will use triangulating statements like, "I spoke to my parents and even they agree." When engaged in a conversation, the Narcissist will use anyone in a triangulating statement to further their point.
The effects of triangulation
A Narcissist's goal is to create a state of neediness and confusion in you. Perhaps the Narc wants to make you jealous. Perhaps the Narc wants to make you feel crazy. Perhaps the Narc wants to make you angry so that you'll confront him or her, and the Narc can then go to the new supply and say "See? Told you my ex was a crazy angry b*tch." Perhaps it's all of these things and more. My NX also used my daughter's teacher in recent triangulation efforts. He emailed me, basically slandering the teacher in hopes I would agree to move my daughter out of the class. I copied the teacher on my response to him. To say he was pissed off is putting it mildly. I likely ruined his plan to triangulate the both of us. I feel his original intention was to get me to agree with him, or no matter what I said, he would lie to the teacher and say that I agreed with him. He likely wanted to prevent me from sharing incriminating info about him to the teacher. And because she saw what he wrote in the email, I am that certain he feels he is now uncovered. By both the teacher AND the principal. My NX wanted to be the main point of contact likely to paint me in a bad light, and I threw a wrench into his plan. Bottom line Narcissists are cunning individuals and will go to any length to obtain the supply they crave. Their goal is to leave you with anxiety, depression, feelings of jealousy and a host of other psychological and physical ailments. The bright side is that you CAN heal from Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse! Have you been used in a Narcissist's triangulation tactics? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
28 Comments
Andrew Ferguson
10/30/2016 05:44:04 pm
Sadly yes over the course of a 15 year marriage. I had no idea my NX used anyone and everyone. Family, friends, karate teacher, my family the list is endless. I was convinced I was crazy as a result of a relentless campaign throughout the relationship. I went from bein a professional on a six figure salary to living in a park eating out of rubbish bins then to hospital for depression. Then the blow torch was switched to my 13 year old son and this beautiful, innocent boy becam the new source of supply. The madness intensified and intensified. He was abused physically and emotional by her and her father. I've caught and caught to regain my health and after 3 years I'm on my way but still healing. I've been able to save my sons and I'm taking them and moving away in the very near future. I have a very close loving, respect based relationship with them now and we are very close. I told them I had to get away from these fools and they said they're coming. Things will eventually work out if you seek the correct help, stay calm and use patience. Id advise anyone who's been subject to narcasisstic abuse to keep moving towards recovery as it does get better.
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Jenn
11/2/2016 08:13:28 am
Andrew......I'm sorry you and your sons have dealt with all of that. Good to hear you and they are on a path of healing now. Great advice to give other readers.......things will get better, it just takes time.
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Yeah & it still makes me sick when I think about it, even when I don't want to !!! It's like he planted this f*cked up thing in me that hurts me SO deeply !!!! The Ultimate Betrayal !!!!! I never thought he would do this to me.. But everything/he seemed to good to be true.. I can't believe he is this person 😐 My God he played it good.. Pretending like he's not a TOTAL ASSHOLE !!!!! I guess just didn't wanna see it/ or believe it.. 😢😢😖 + I've never dated an asshole of this magnitude before.. Damnit !!! , Why do they have to look SO pretty ???!!!! 😣😣😖😓
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Just j
7/14/2019 08:55:05 am
Pretty on the outside but rotten on the inside, and the inside is where it counts
Kelly
12/21/2016 10:51:50 pm
No. But I have had this used against me on many occasions.
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Jenn
12/30/2016 07:31:23 pm
Kelly.......It doesn't surprise me because Narcissists like to pit people against each other like that.
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shobana gopao
12/26/2016 11:50:43 pm
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Iris Visser
1/6/2017 06:24:48 pm
My ex, who I hadn't seen in seven years, came back in my life by moving into an appartment right behind my house (of all places) because his GF had kicked him out for cheating. He told me their relationship was done. I liked seeing him again as we had parted in a friendly matter but it soon became apparent that I was tricked into a lovetriangle on purpose so he could emotionally punish his GF. I never knew my ex was a narcissist as I am a very dominant woman with clear boundaries, which is why i dumped him to begin with. He couldnt live up to my notion of healthy equality love. In our relationship there was no room for narcissist behaviour. The other woman, the current GF of whom I initially didn't know they were still seeing eachother, is kind of a doormat, who helps people in order not to be lonely. She even payed all my exes bills as he didnt even work in the relationship with her. She's kind of a desperate woman, with no boundaries whatsoever who took him right back after cheating. After she threw him out initially (her only good action in my eyes) he put a silent treatment on her. She had stopped all contact after dumping him but he was so firm in sticking to his silent treatment that she ended up begging for his attention and asked him to come by again. She gave away all her power. I got turned around at that point. In the meantime I didn't know this was all going on as in my relationship with him there were no such weird things going on. I found out months and months later, started reading and realized that all his actions with her were all classic narcissistic behaviour. When I found out I had been 'recruited' to make his current GF jealous and go crazy etc. I stopped all contact with my ex, contacted her and told her she had fallen victim to narcissistic abuse and explained how he was spending all his time with me, showering me with kinds words and marriage propopals etc to punish her. We had some conversations and she told me that my ex had told her I was crazy. He had even told her that I was sexually abused which I am not! She had believed that which i thought was weird as apparently she knew he was spending all his time with me while putting her on the backburner. Why would he if i was that crazy? He went over to her house once every three weeks for a meal and sex, thats it. With me he behaved normal, taking me out etcera, going everywhere, not making a minimal investment as that would piss me of greatly obviously. After I stopped the renewed relationship with my ex I had an 'aha' moment after reading so many articles about triangulation etc. I send her all the articles but she didnt do anything with it even though she acknowlegded the behaviour rationally. She came across as very insecure and desperate to me. Did nothing but be too understanding and empathic while he paraded me in front of her for months and months without me knowing it. I found out she knew because she send me an email and told me that she would 'cut my throat' if i didnt dissapear. She put her anger on me instead of him while she never made him apologize for his cheating ways . All the while he had told her that i had pursued him! I tried to tell her the truth but she stayed with him and took him back when he wanted to move back in! They had more problems after that, he left her again for someone else and she was so afraid that it was me and he would hook up with me again that she has gotten pregnant at 48 (!) on purpose to bind him! I told her she was one desperate, sad woman and that she is making her child a future victim so she doesnt have to be alone. That she is being abused,.After this I took myself out of the equation. I have never seen my ex be so abusive to a female as with her. He is much worse than ever wit her at this moment. And I have never met a woman with such desperation and low self-esteem so I know I will never be friends with this woman. I have no contact whatsover with both of them on purpose, and never want that again but the two of them are in such a sick abusive relationship that both try to pull me back into their sick play again. My ex to make her jaelous and she so she can know what he does at all times as he lives behind me but I dont know what the hell he does and dont care. I asked her why she wanted to know what am abusive cheater does (as if that isnt obvious, cheating of course with new supply) and why she wants more of it. But I got such crazy responses that I dont ask questions anymore either. My ex does nothing but make fake apologies to her everytime, degrading her as soon as she shows empathy and she still wants him badly and cooks for him the minute he contacts her. Even its it after weeks of silence. He can always come by her house for money, food or sex. Even if he leaves for months after! And even sexual pleasure he doesnt want to give her a lot of and he makes her beg for it. He witholds it on purpose with her once she begs. I have never seen my ex behave like this before. My
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Jenn
1/12/2017 09:49:20 pm
Iris......That sounds like an intense situation. I am glad you went no contact with them both then. Set yourself on a good healing path and don't look back. :)
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kaisha
3/4/2017 03:05:36 pm
Best to have no contact with either of them. You may have to move. Yes, that can be a drag, but it is for your peace of mind. You can also do Falun Gong. check it out at www.falundafa.org It is taught for free. Easy to learn, fun to do, and will help immensely.
Jenn
3/5/2017 11:01:25 am
Kaisha......Sometimes, moving to a new location isn't practical. If a survivor has children with the Narc, it may not be advisable to move for a number of reasons.....it could be in the divorce decree, and it could be detrimental to the children's education.
Jeanette Leisegang
7/14/2019 09:00:49 am
Your ex sounds like a real piece of work, he should stay out of relationships. The new supply sounds weak and pathetic, I feel abundantly sorry for the child, that child deserves better parents than an insecure mom who allows abuse and a narcissistic father who can't feel love and care for anyone and just manipulates everyone. Both the pregnant women and your ex should be sterilized,people like these should not be parents they are not mentally or emotionally stable
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Tom Mccole
1/22/2017 03:17:44 am
HI There,
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Jenn
2/7/2017 07:00:32 am
Tom.....In all that I've learned, you are under no obligation to have contact with your mother. Especially since she is toxic to you. It would be your choice to go completely No Contact. Or, if you feel you must have some contact, you can have Minimal Contact. You can choose when and how to respond to her, if you feel you need to. But you are under no obligation to respond to any of her phone calls or text messages. If you do respond, keep it short and simple, like yes or no answers. My Narc ex also likes to call whenever he feels like it, and acts all nasty when I don't answer the phone. Like you, I cannot answer calls when I am at work (unless it is my children's school calling). If it is important enough, I will email him back if it concerns the children. Even then, I may not respond if I feel like I would be explaining myself to him. I do not need to explain myself to him anymore. Just like you don't need to be obligated to talk to your mom, since she is a toxic individual. I wish you the best. Take care.
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Vanessa
2/2/2017 02:26:58 pm
I never knew this part of how they operate was intentional and part of their sick pathology. In recent years, I have had to deal with a shifting of my husband's attention and what I need go towards my daughter who unfortunately is caught up in this pathic triangle. He ignores my needs and priorities and FOCUSES on her needs because she can financially and is able to help him. He can work but makes excuses why ALL conditions are not met for him to do so, looking to her, friends, to exploit for help. I lost my job due to an unhealthy professional environment and have been out of work.
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Jenn
2/7/2017 07:05:43 am
Vanessa.......You are absolutely right in that it's not talked about much for women (and sometimes, men) to have financial security in toxic relationships so that they can have hope to gain back their power. The problem with that is, many times, Narcissists take control of the finances in the relationships. They give the victim an allowance, they convince the victim to not work.....things like that. Sometimes, the only option for victims is to leave the relationship even without securing a financial future. I have found that many times, there are crisis shelters willing to help victims. They have lots of resources, like assistance with finding employment. I hope that you find employment soon. Good luck to you. Take care.
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Vanessa
3/29/2017 11:37:22 pm
Thank you so much Jenn. Yes, I'm in the process of separating from this relationship. I will seek employment opportunities and be flexible to go WHEREEVER the door opens. It's been a process of no longer looking at this Narc as someone who is innocent. They are far from it. Cunning, calculating, devious, manipulative are some of their attributes. I didn't know this when I married in 1981 as a young woman, 26 years old. Anyone unsuspecting can become a target. The souktion is setting up healthy boundaries of no compromiser To these villisns.
Jenn
4/5/2017 07:51:40 pm
Vanessa......That sounds like a great plan. I wish you well.
kaisha
3/4/2017 03:01:37 pm
How are you? Are you out of there yet? One thing that will help heal you is to do Falun Gong, the highest form of Qi Gong. Check it out at www.falundafa.org It is taught for free.
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Kaisha
3/4/2017 02:59:43 pm
Went through it, too. He had serial girlfriends, and wanted me to stay, since they would inevitably leave, of course. The last one convinced him to ask me for a divorce, which I had been hoping for; since it would be his idea, not mine - and when we got divorced she dumped him! Sadly, this meant I had to stick around until he went to Afghanistan on one of those security jobs and sent me a threatening email; all the proof I needed to show everyone how awful he was, and I put his junk in storage, put the car in his name, took my name off the joint bank accounts - after pulling out some cash - and packed up my few items and left. Later on, he lied, of course, saying someone else sent the nasty email.
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Jenn
3/5/2017 11:02:28 am
Kaisha........I am glad you were able to safely leave and begin on a good healing journey. :)
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Clarissa
3/20/2017 08:40:00 am
Unfortunately, I was used to triangulate an xN ex-boyfriend's ex-wife. When we first got together, he was attempting triangulation on my xN ex-husband.
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Jenn
3/29/2017 06:35:10 pm
Clarissa......Yes, triangulation is evil and toxic. I hate being played like that. Makes me feel so used. Ya know?
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Vanessa
4/5/2017 09:05:36 pm
To anyone who has ENDURED these kinds of relationships, you need to pat yourself on the back and thank God, you FINALLY was brought to the LIGHT. Being in these relationships are not only toxic but dangerous to every fiber to your being. It's ENTRAPMENT and far from what LOVE really is. The web they weave is incredible to ensnare their victims through our own need to be loved and validated. Believe me, I'm still working my way and breaking down the web in this relationship due to my staying to keep my family in tact and my adult children, which kept me much longer than I should had stayed and not to disruptive my family but it hurt me. I hear some folks here blaming yourself for being USED but truly, you and most of us here were DECEIVED. Be kind to yourself and self care is in order. ONCE YOUR MIND HAS BEEN ENLIGHTED, you can never truly go back.
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Jenn
5/7/2017 02:39:03 pm
Vanessa.......Yes! I agree. Once we begin to see the truth and the fog begins to lift, we see the Narcissists for what they really are. There is only going forward from that point on. It will be difficult though. I think that's because many survivors are experiencing trauma bonding or Stockholm Syndrome. We find ourselves still attached to the Narc in some way. And that's all normal to what we experienced. The more we learn about our feelings and what we endured, the more we will begin to see with clarity.
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Gale
5/7/2018 12:19:07 pm
I was involved in a triangulation by Narc for 2-1/2 years. Just 2 weeks ago he told me that he was going out with his ex who he had broken up with 10 months ago. She was still on his Facebook and they wound occasionally go back and forth flirting with each other even though she saw our pictures together ( another scheme on his part to get her jealous). Every one of the incidents we had with love bombing, devaluation, triangulation then discard were there. I am a professional women and never expected this to happen to me. The man only dates professional women the triangulated one now of 3 years happens to be a psychologist with. PhD. I went into a jealous rage and sent her a text letting her know he was a cheating liar as he had been sleeping with both of us at the same and how dare she invite him over to go out with her knowing He was still dating me, but she ignored me. He probably told her I was crazy and she now being love bombed. So pathetic! This man has nothing to offer any woman but he’s very charming and comes across as sincere. After being love bombed everything shifted to him wanting space, not making plans, going on online dating sites to get new supply. Telling you in your face that he could never fall in love with anyone or lived with anyone. I am having problems forgiving myself and for sending that poor pathetic women the text to tell him how he was playing both of us. I should have sent her YouTube videos about narcissism and triangulation. Don’t psychology with PhD know about this personality disorder?
Nikki B
5/1/2018 03:59:02 pm
Im rite in the middle of the triangulation phase with my roommate who is the nephew of a dear friend of mine & he had just moved in with his aunt. When he 1st met me my mom had just passed and he needed a dresser & she asked me if i knew some one that might have one for sale. I bought one for my mom nothing special but she wanted it, so i tell her ill let you have it and ill go pick it up and drop it off at the house. Now, i weighed 445lbs at this time so he didnt really say anything to me and barely helped unload it, so its done i say bye and dont give him another thought. A couple yrs later i got into a lil financial trouble told my friend was thinking about a roommate. She says my nephew needs a place to stay so not to be at moms. She gave him my number he called and wanted to come right over but when i opened the door i was 235lbs smaller. His jaw dropped as he looked me up and down now im still not paying him any mind. Well niw hes calling me abd scarring me a lil like a stalker. Now he's very charming and he finally won New Year's Eve of 2015 he talked me into being with him that evening he told the most beautiful eyes and he was very convincing and Charming and we were little item for just a moment and then I noticed that when we weren't every time he got a girl in his Miss I noticed that he would get kind of mean to me and I couldn't understand why if we're not dating why are you doing that then he lives here he's now been here 6 years and this is the first time I've ever seen him get this aggressive and crazy with a girlfriend I've never seen him act this ridiculous over a girlfriend but now that I figured out what is going on he's a narcissist I get it he's using her to be the third person in this triangulation and me as the victim making me try to look crazy and everything else it's so stupid but now that I know what to do he's not liking it very much that he can't get into my skin I think it's conkle especially now is Port idiot girl that he's with giving each other and infection is very very contagious and I do not want it we promise to never bring boyfriends or girlfriends to the house he keeps bringing her to the house while I'm at work and I keep catching them it's ridiculous but she's like the pain from hell in this I feel bad for her but not that bad cuz she likes to try to jump in on me too I think she might be a narcissist as well so now I'm kind of curious to see how this is going to end for these two idiots cuz I hope they're already moved in together and one of them is being totally screwed by the other one I think it'll be a crack up Karma would be awesomely fulfilled. He keeps threatening that he's going to move out he has not done it yet it keeps telling me I have to give him his 30-day notice but he moved in without a contracts and I have to go out of my way to get a contract to get him out but eventually he's just going to get tired of it and call away or I'll finally get my contract to get him out but he won't leave me cuz he just can't stand that I am not falling for this and it's driving him out of his mind I think it's funny so that's my story I'm still right smack in the middle of it I just figured this all out in this is been going on since my birthday promise to take you out for steak dinner and then told me I have no responsibility to take you out ever there was my 50th birthday you think he would have went out of his way to do so no and said he knows I have no family so he broke my little heart and it pissed me off sadly though he uses my illness of my heart against me and my weight and how bad I had gotten with edema and heart failure that I couldn't walk from point A to point B without almost passing out he's kind of mean that way but now that I figured it out and I've changed my lifestyle around he can't do that anymore and it's just killing him it's great this is awesome I love it when he finally moves out maybe I'll just have to share that with you too I know this is very long and thank you for reading and everybody have a lovely day
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Rosemary
2/21/2022 01:39:14 am
Such great reading from all you people. A weight has lifted me as I identify with so many of the life experiences you all have kindly expressed. A big thank you. And watch out for a wolf/ess in sheeps' clothing, everyone!
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