In a nutshell, parental alienation is when the narcissistic parent does what it takes to keep the child or children away from the non-narcissistic parent. It really is an unfortunate thing to happen because one parent always ends up feeling shortchanged.
Even when the Narcissists are the one doing the discarding, they will still act hurt and injured. This is known as narcissistic injury. They will appear as if the non-Narcissistic parent is the one who harmed them. It is this that leads the Narcissists to project anger onto the non-Narc parent.
The result of parental alienation The rejection of the non-narcissistic parent occurs when the Narcissistic parent begins to outwardly blame the healthy parent for what has happened. This occurs in front of the child or children. The Narcissists tell the children that the other parent is bad and doesn’t care. I am positive this is what my NX tells my children. (Hence the reason why my children don’t pick up the phone and call me. I’m always the one who has to do the calling.) “The narcissist “splits” and makes the other parent all bad. When parental alienation occurs, it is because the narcissistic parent has implied to the child that the other parent is the “bad” parent and is the one causing the child’s pain. The child internalizes the narcissistic parent’s anger and resentment toward the other parent and also rejects the other parent.”
This is not to say that I don’t talk to my children. I do. But I don’t talk to them as often as I should. Could I call more often? Yes. But because of the sheer geographical distance, I never know when my children are home. I could call and leave a message, too. I have been improving on calling them more.
But problems arise when the Narcissistic parent seemingly keeps the children away on purpose. My NX once told me, “No webcam, no Skype.” He seemed to have recalled that I once said several years ago that I’d buy the children a webcam. The NX reminded me of this in early 2016. So, I bought the children a webcam. I saw them once on webcam in early 2016, once in March 2016, and once in December 2016. That's it. It’s the dangling carrot that I once wrote about. Narcissists love to make promises to you. Things that they know you want. They tell you that they’ll give it to you or get it for you, or make that thing happen for you. But something inevitably comes up and they yank it away from you. And that thing does not happen. I do speak with my children. I do see them in person…..well, not nearly as often as I could if I had the money for travel. I know there are some parents out there who have not seen their child or children in years! It hurts my heart to know that there are others out there who have it worse than me. It’s excruciating for me to experience not seeing or speaking to my children as often, yet there are others who don’t speak to or see their children at all. What parental alienation does to the children I read a really excellent book recently. It’s called “Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex” by Amy J.L. Baker. In the book, she speaks of how the toxic parent manipulates the child into believing the other parent doesn’t care. The child then feels pressure to “choose a side.” Perhaps the child will now begin to show loyalty to the toxic parent and begin to reject the other parent. Baker calls this a loyalty conflict. This is exactly how I feel in my situation! I feel like my children are being manipulated into believing that I am the one who has been harming the family. That my children feel like they need to show loyalty to their father. If they go along with him, he will give them gifts galore or reward them for “choosing” him. Like buying their love and affection. I remember when my daughter lost her first tooth. I sent her $20 (as I had done research and discovered that is the going rate for a first lost tooth). My NX was livid, to say the least. He turned around and bought the kids a puppy! Narcissistic parents also alienate the children from you by creating doubt in the children. Seeds of doubt are planted in the child’s brain and if watered enough, will begin to grow. Narcissists will insinuate that if the child does not feel safe with you to call them. Or the Narcissists might undermine your authority. They might lead the child to believe that you don’t know what you’re doing as a parent and that the child doesn’t need to listen to you. Your house rules suddenly become fodder. I remember when I saw my children in July 2013. I had planned for something to happen in a certain way. When it didn’t happen the way I explained it to my daughter, she said, “Daddy’s right. You’re a liar.” She was 7 years old at the time. At first, I was quite angry that she spoke to me that way. But I realized that wasn’t her talking. It was the NX. I softly explained to her that sometimes people think things are going to happen in a certain way, but they don’t. The thing I explained to her still happened, but just in a different way. She softened up after that conversation. But just that one instance made me realize that parental alienation is a real thing. I had always heard of it. I just didn’t think it would really ever happen to me. And now that my children are older, I fear that the hatred my NX embedded in the recesses of their brains will come to the forefront and my children will end up turning away from me as they continue to get older. So how do I deal with this? I’ll tell you, readers, that it isn’t easy. Many nights, I cry myself to sleep over missing my children with such fierceness. I miss them so much that it hurts. I do what I can to stay involved in their lives. I send them handwritten letters. I stay in regular contact with their school teachers. I email them (although the emails are filtered through his email). And yes, I do call. I only pray that someday my children see the effort I put into having and maintaining a relationship with them. Bottom line Narcissists aim to drive a wedge between you and your children. They want to take everything away from you that ever meant anything to you. Including your children. This inevitably teaches the children that people in their lives are expendable, that they can discard anyone who upsets them. Including you. Have you dealt with parental alienation? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
6 Comments
Lisa
3/12/2017 01:13:45 pm
I am dealing with this now. My son and I left after his father hit and threatened me. We were staying with friends while I was trying to get his dad to sign a seperation agreement so we could get our belonging and split our property so my son and I could try to get and apartment. After 3 1/2 months of continual harassment my son suddenly decides to go back. In the weeks before he went back he was told that I was trying to put him and my son's grandfather out of the house because my attorney had indicated in the seperation agreement that he would need to refinance the home to get my name off the loan. It has been 9 months and he has managed to keep my son away from me while using my son's phone to continue his harassment of me. Since September I have saw my son 3 times for a total of 5 hours. He also had my son call me in October to try and mediate about property. My son told me they didn't have the money to give me what I want and I was going to eff them up. I told him it was not his place to mediate. I told him it appeared he thought it was him, his grandfather and his dad against me. My own son told me it didn't have to be that way that I didn't need a lawyer and he would give me all his money if I would stop. Now he doesn't answer my calls or texts and my husband will text me from my son's phone taunting me and telling me no wonder my son doesn't want to speak with me that I am trying to take his home... It has now been a year and nothing is settled. I don't even have my clothing and personal items. Just what I managed to take with me when I left and a few times I felt safe enough to go into my former home while my husband was at work. This was the reason I stayed all those years because I knew he'd take my son for spite. And he has. He cries broke but he's bought a 2013 Camaro for my 16 year old son who still just has his learners. It breaks my heart that my son would believe his dad's lies for a second. I know it's all just to manipulate me about property settlement and support.
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Jenn
3/12/2017 03:59:00 pm
Lisa.....I am so sorry that you are going through this. Keep all documentation of your conversations with your ex and your son. Communicating through email is typically the best way to achieve that. It's what I do. I also screenshot all texts as well and upload them to a specific folder on my computer. You never know what will come in handy. It hurts my heart to know your ex is using your son in this manner. Hang in there.
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Simon Long
4/29/2017 02:20:17 am
I have been dealing with this too. I have to say the way you have spelt out the different aspects of Nacissistic Alienation has made me realise it's not me.
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Jenn
5/3/2017 06:35:33 am
Simon.........I am so sorry you are enduring parental alienation. It hurts parents who go through this. It won't be any easier as time goes by, either. I do suggest still writing letters and calling though. It will show them that you are consistent. Even if they don't reply to your letters, or return phone calls, you are showing them that you aren't giving up on them. I am doing that with my children too. I write frequent letters. I email them. I call them. (I do talk to them on the phone, but not often at all.) I wish you well and will be thinking of you. Take care.
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Melinda Armendariz
10/12/2017 09:25:00 pm
https://plus.google.com/u/0/communities/107575780891608688537
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Jessica Dumont
2/17/2022 05:21:31 pm
I have an 18 month old with my NX.
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