I've been there. You're frazzled. You need some clarity. You are desperate for help. So you suggest couples' counseling to your significant other, the Narcissist.
Whoa. Wait a second. Take a deep breath and think long and hard about what you'll be getting yourself into.
Let me let you in on a secret. It's a biggie. You ready? Here you go! There is NO such thing as a successful counseling experience with a Narcissist. Wait, what? Why? Why is going to counseling with a Narcissist a bad idea? He agreed to go with you, right? That must mean he wants to make changes in the relationship. Right? Wrong. Kim Saaed (of Let Me Reach) explains in her article, "Will Therapy With A Narcissist Help? Why It's A Bad Idea": Before you start going down the list of marriage and relationship counselors, it’s important to consider that going to therapy with a Narcissist will accomplish three things: 1) waste time and money, 2) keep you in a relationship that is doomed to fail anyway and 3) likely result in your feeling like more of the “crazy lunatic” your partner keeps claiming you are.
When I say that I've been there, I actually have been there. I thought the same things you do. I grabbed at straws. I thought I was failing as a wife, so maybe if I went to therapy with him, it would show him that I was making a sincere effort.
But Narcissists don't go to couples' counseling to improve the marriage the way a normal married couple would. No. Narcissist go to couples' counseling to keep their claws hooked in you. To keep you on the edge of hope. That maybe, just maybe, the relationship could be salvaged. Unfortunately, it's only a facade. A ruse. The Narcissist plays the role of the victim and creates a carefully woven tale of woe. This is likely done before the two of you even step foot inside of a therapist's office together.
I realize now that is likely why the FEMALE marriage counselor we saw together tried to get me to see my NX's side of things! My NX likely stole a chance to see her first to paint me as the perpetrator and the one at root of the marital issues. She fell for his ruse!
Because of that, I felt like I was being ganged up on. Cornered, if you will. I went along with the therapist's suggestions on how to improve things at home. How I could be more attentive to a military man's needs. So I opened up more. Told the counselor many of my innermost thoughts, fears, anxieties.....all with my NX right there. That was a HUGE mistake. It just gave my NX more fuel to work with. More opportunity for my NX to make disparaging remarks, toss out put downs, or any number of additional emotionally abusive things. Going to therapy with my Narcissistic Ex left me in a more vulnerable state than before. I thought we'd be taking steps forward together. Instead, it was the same old story. He was still abusive and I was still the victim. Have you been to counseling with a Narcissist? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing you stories with me.
5 Comments
Christine
4/15/2017 06:57:15 am
He suggested we go see a therapist after I had a miscarriage- and he went out drinking, leaving me alone. He told the therapist that he wants me to go for the first session by myself, then he will go for one session by himself, and then she can see us together... she obliged. Five months later I found evidence of him cheating on me, and yet again I tried therapy, this time with someone I chose. He went there once and all he said was that he didn't want to be there, since I have the issues, not him, he is a happy person and I am looking for drama.
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Jenn
4/15/2017 05:16:25 pm
Christine.......Toxic individuals like Narcissists do not do counseling. They act like they want to go so that the relationship can be saved. My NX said that to me numerous times, claiming he wanted me to "get better." The fact that your ex suggested that you go for a session then he'd go for a session, suggests to me that he wanted to get the therapist on his side when you went together at that third session. He'd privately counter every claim you likely made, and also likely triangulated the therapist. I hope you are on a good healing path now. You will be in my thoughts. Take care.
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Jim
7/5/2017 06:43:35 pm
My ex-wife.... I'm still suffering through it.
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Mary
7/8/2017 01:11:48 am
I agreed to counseling only because I knew he needed help. I wanted out & thought therapy would help him & help me get out. But, all it was, was him lying & me calling him out. I felt like the woman always took his side. I told her everything he was doing & he was so angry at me. He only got "better" at manipulating. We're divorced now, he's in therapy under the guise of ptsd, learning even more covert tactics to get "better" at controlling.
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stacy
6/28/2018 07:07:51 pm
i went to counseling with my husband and as stated above in ur story mine made me out to look like a nad woman and that i was crazy after seven years of marriage counseling i attermpted suicide...failedobviously i am still here writing about it ...i am currently still with my narc and contemplqateing divorce when i am strong again as my self esteem is in the gutter from twenty years of abuse.....
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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