I consider myself an intelligent individual. So it begs the question of how I could be so gullible to fall for love-bombing. Not once. But twice. (At least twice that I'm aware of.)
In the beginning of a relationship, everything is brand new and wonderful. Or so it seems. Your new guy dotes on you, makes you your favorite dessert, spews out compliments left and right. And you just think, "Wow he must really care about me!" (These are ALL calculated efforts, by the way. Everything he does is with purpose.)
Then, little by little, your guy will toss an insult your way, or poke fun at something you said or did. Then after you protest, he'd say "You can't take a joke. You're so sensitive."
In the beginning with my NX, he doted on me and yes, made me my favorite dessert.....chocolate covered strawberries. That was the first time I noticed this attentiveness and showering me with affection. (Again, a calculated effort on his part. He NEEDED to have me think he cared. He also does this as reconnaissance to find out more about you....it's called mirroring, and I discuss that below.)
What is love-bombing?
It is an abuser's attempt to flood you with attention, affection, and commonality. He will act like he has common interests or has the same goals. He acts like "Mr. Perfect."
The next (and most obvious) instance of love-bombing came when he wanted to "reconcile." We had been separated a few months, during which time I was living with my mom. It wasn't a choice of mine to have been separated....it stemmed from an incident at the end of July 2007. (The divorce was supposed to be finalized in January 2008.)
By the end of November 2007, the love-bombing began. I was at work. He harassed me with dozens upon dozens of phone calls to my cell phone WHILE I was at work. I took the phone out into the hallway at one point where he proceeded to love bomb.....He couldn't live without me, he loved me, our 18-month old daughter needed her mommy, He tossed the last one in there for good measure. He KNEW I couldn't say no to my daughter.
I (stupidly) agreed to go back. I put the divorce proceedings on hold. I returned to where our home was at the end of January 2008.
Why did I say stupidly? Because even though I consider myself an intelligent individual, I still allowed myself to get hooked back into his charade. I went back and ended up enduring TWO MORE YEARS of emotional abuse until he discarded me in May 2010.
So if you want to get into a new relationship at some point, how can you tell if someone is love-bombing you or not? What are some of those red flags? You may notice some of all of these in varying degrees.
1. An overwhelming amount of texts, phone calls, and emails that aim to tug at your heartstrings. (Examples could be "good morning, beautiful" texts every morning, a handful of phone calls every day, "goodnight, sweetheart" texts every night.)
2. The sheer amount of contact doesn't give you ample time to ponder things over, or to process things.
3. Excessively stopping by your work or home.
4. Will profess his love for you within a short time, telling you he has never felt this way before.
5. A desire to want to be intimate! He'll pressure you for sex almost as soon as you begin dating.
6. He will mirror you. This means he'll appear to have common goals, interests, etc. Emotional narcissistic abusers have no substance, so they will mold themselves to appear just like you. You will be so amazed at how compatible you are. That is their goal....to appear like your soulmate. They will study you at first, ask seemingly innocent questions about life goals, or stalk you on social media to find out what's most important to you. (Read more about Mirroring in my blog post.)
I'm sure there are additional red flags, but these are the ones that are most dangerous in my opinion. The abuser aims to pass himself off as the perfect partner.
After my NX, I wasn't sure if I would ever marry again, let alone date again. How would I trust again? How would I know if someone had pure intentions? I did dive into the dating pool about 8 months after my NX discarded me. It only lasted a month, but he ended up teaching me 2 vital lessons......that I was capable of loving again, and that I was worthy of someone's love.
Not long after that, I began dating my now husband. I had countless moments where I had knee jerk reactions from something he said or did. These were PTSD moments. (Read my post PTSD As A Result Of Narcissistic Abuse for more information on PTSD.) My now husband looked at me and has said, "I'm not him." He has shown me that it IS possible to have a normal relationship. I'm not 100 percent healed, but I take great strides every day in my healing.
Have you experienced love-bombing with someone? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you!
The Top 10
Here you will find my most popular posts for easier discovery.
How Narcissists Make Sure You Never Solve Problems In A Relationship
The Fake Apology
How I Lost My Identity
Effects of Emotional Abuse
Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
Tightening Your Facebook Privacy Settings
Why You Should Never Defend Yourself Against The Narcissist's Smear Campaign
Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do
An Open Letter To All Survivors Who Just Got Out Of An Abusive Situation
The Great Manipulator
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