I consider myself an intelligent individual. So it begs the question of how I could be so gullible to fall for love-bombing. Not once. But twice. (At least twice that I'm aware of.)
In the beginning of a relationship, everything is brand new and wonderful. Or so it seems. Your new partner dotes on you, makes you your favorite dessert, spews out compliments left and right. And you just think, "Wow they must really care about me!" (These are ALL calculated efforts, by the way. Everything they do is with purpose.)
Then, little by little, your partner will toss an insult your way, or poke fun at something you said or did. Then after you protest, they'd say, "You can't take a joke. You're so sensitive."
In the beginning with my NX, he doted on me and yes, made me my favorite dessert.....chocolate covered strawberries. That was the first time I noticed this attentiveness and showering me with affection. (Again, a calculated effort on his part. He NEEDED to have me think he cared. He also does this as reconnaissance to find out more about you....it's called mirroring, and I discuss that below.) What is love-bombing? It is an abuser's attempt to flood you with attention, affection, and commonality. They will act like they have common interests or have the same goals. They act like "Mr. or Mrs. Perfect." The next (and most obvious) instance of love-bombing came when he wanted to "reconcile." We had been separated a few months, during which time I was living with my mom. It wasn't a choice of mine to have been separated....it stemmed from an incident at the end of the summer of 2007. (The divorce was supposed to be finalized that following January.) By the end of November of that year, the love-bombing began. I was at work. He harassed me with dozens upon dozens of phone calls to my cell phone WHILE I was at work. I took the phone out into the hallway at one point where he proceeded to love bomb.....He couldn't live without me, he loved me, our toddler aged daughter needed her mommy, He tossed the last one in there for good measure. He KNEW I couldn't say no to my daughter.
I (stupidly) agreed to go back. I put the divorce proceedings on hold. I returned to where our home was at the end of January 2008.
Why did I say stupidly? Because even though I consider myself an intelligent individual, I still allowed myself to get hooked back into his charade. I went back and ended up enduring TWO MORE YEARS of emotional abuse until he discarded me in May 2010. So if you want to get into a new relationship at some point, how can you tell if someone is love-bombing you or not? What are some of those red flags? You may notice some of all of these in varying degrees. 1. An overwhelming amount of texts, phone calls, and emails that aim to tug at your heartstrings. (Examples could be "good morning, beautiful" texts every morning, a handful of phone calls every day, "goodnight, sweetheart" texts every night.) 2. The sheer amount of contact doesn't give you ample time to ponder things over, or to process things. 3. Excessively stopping by your work or home. 4. Will profess his love for you within a short time, telling you he has never felt this way before. 5. A desire to want to be intimate! He'll pressure you for sex almost as soon as you begin dating. 6. They will mirror you. This means they'll appear to have common goals, interests, etc. Emotional narcissistic abusers have no substance, so they will mold themselves to appear just like you. You will be so amazed at how compatible you are. That is their goal....to appear like your soulmate. They will study you at first, ask seemingly innocent questions about life goals, or stalk you on social media to find out what's most important to you. (Read more about Mirroring in my blog post.) I'm sure there are additional red flags, but these are the ones that are most dangerous in my opinion. The abuser aims to pass themselves off as the perfect partner. After my NX, I wasn't sure if I would ever marry again, let alone date again. How would I trust again? How would I know if someone had pure intentions? I did dive into the dating pool about 8 months after my NX discarded me. It only lasted a month, but he ended up teaching me 2 vital lessons......that I was capable of loving again, and that I was worthy of someone's love. Not long after that, I began dating my now husband. I had countless moments where I had knee jerk reactions from something he said or did. These were PTSD moments. (Read my post PTSD As A Result Of Narcissistic Abuse for more information on PTSD.) My now husband looked at me and has said, "I'm not him." He has shown me that it IS possible to have a normal relationship. I'm not 100 percent healed, but I take great strides every day in my healing. Have you experienced love-bombing with someone? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
12 Comments
Jo
7/27/2016 04:09:17 am
Hi,
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Jenn
7/27/2016 06:29:00 am
Jo.....Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I wish I can say he's changed. But unfortunately, I can't say that. Abusive people (narcissists included) cannot ever change. What he's doing now is lovebombing you. He's purposely saying and doing the right things to hook you back. It is very calculated what they do. I went back to my ex, as I stated above. Oh it was good for a little bit. But make mistake, Narcissists always revert back to their true selves. He will show you his true colors. I am sorry you are facing such difficulties right now with getting your children back. But going no contact is the best way to go.....meaning, block him on all avenues of contact (phone numbers, emails, Facebook and all other social media accounts). My ex acted like he changed too. But not long after I went back, the abuse started up again. I wish you all the best. I'll be thinking about you.
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Shane
7/27/2016 12:44:21 pm
I recently dated a guy that love bombed me. Told me by 3 wks he loved, couldn't believe he'd met me. Introduced me to his son/ family. Took me out, said I could be the 2nd best thing that had ever happened to him. I totally fell for it. Then the little things I noticed were how he'd comment he usually dated younger than me or he'd got others interested in him. He played the victim regarding his previous relationships, he'd been cheated on etc. He would spend alot of money on huge rounds of drinks, picking up the tab etc yet his flat was not homely but had cheap furniture.
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Jenn
7/27/2016 06:44:40 pm
Shane....I know where you're coming from. Narcs all use the same playbook, it seems. Doesn't it? I mean, they all say and do the "right" things, they act the "right" way. It's all a ruse. It's fake. They get you hooked. Then they devalue and discard. The girl in the pic with him is the new supply, and rest assured, he will do the same things to her eventually. It's not a matter of if. It's just a matter of when. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.
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Dawn Ritter
1/11/2017 08:25:29 pm
This sounds just like what mine did to me... I hate him for that... the lies, the rejection all of it... If I could just forget about him... he is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep.... I cry everyday out of nowhere.... I'm dying inside and out don't know what to do...
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Jenn
1/12/2017 09:04:48 pm
Dawn....I held on to a lot of hatred for my NX too when I realized he lovebombed me. It is OK to hate your ex. As survivors, we need to hate and be angry. It's all a part of the healing process. All the thinking that you do about him is normal too. It's normal to wonder what if we did something different or loved them "better." There is nothing more or different that you could have done. Is there something that you could get involved in where you live? Like maybe a dance class or take a class at your local craft store? Perhaps beginning to get yourself back out and involved in activities can help you divert your attention on to things that can help you heal. Let me know if you find anything that works for you!
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ellie
2/2/2017 02:26:23 pm
I met my ex husband in 1986.I was 21 and had no idea about the type of person he was. The first night we met he talked about '' our wedding". On our first date he expected sex and I let him know it was not happening with a jab to the face when he tried to make his move. We dated and it went really well with flowers and phone calls and waiting for me outside my job. I thought it was romantic. Like I said at 21 I knew no better. After about 6 months things changed. I would hang up when he called and he just upped his game. We did eventually reconcile and we had a son. I never really saw the good side of him after that. He became physically abusive and finally just abandon us for a woman who was just like him. Well karma is an interesting thing.
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Jenn
2/7/2017 07:10:14 am
Ellie......I am sorry for what you endured. Narcissists have sources of supply and when we don't fulfill their need anymore, they leave. Sometimes, they will come back around in attempts to see if we'll give them more supply. What you described is exactly what lovebombing is. They pour on the charm ad nauseum. They act like the perfect mate. They get us to fall for them. When they have us hooked is when they begin to trickle out the abuse. I hope you and your son are living a positive and happy life now. :) Take care.
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Jorge
2/17/2017 11:28:09 pm
I think I'm married to a narcissist. I met my wife at work. I was going through a divorce and my sanity was a friend. She invited me over to get away from my ex. I was sad, so she took me places, we hung out at her place and did puzzles together. She had just ended another short term relationship (that should have been a clue) so she had time to mend a broken heart. Now, she is a striking beautiful woman. Then after a month or so of hanging out, she through herself a birthday party and invited her friends. I baked her a cake to thank her for help. Now,i had taken her and a friend of hers to the party. This friend was someone I hoped to date once I was healthy to stand on my own. So after the party, we were in the car and I thanked her for all her help. When I leaned in to kiss her cheek, she turned her face and she kissed me on the lips. I was surprised.then when her friend got in the car she held my hand like a treasure she had just found. When we got back to her place, she took advantage of me. And I was hooked. Within seven months she told me to marry her. And six months later, I obeyed.
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Jenn
2/26/2017 06:02:23 pm
Jorge......I am so sorry for everything that you endured. My heart hurts for you. I know it may not seem like it, but things will get better. I can't say when. But I know it will. Healing will take a lot of time though. Don't hide from any portion of your healing journey. Don't try to forget the bad. I know this sounds counterproductive, but remembering the bad is actually a good thing and can help you heal. I thought that remembering the bad would actually make things worse for me and make me spiral downwards. It did the opposite. I'm not talking about dwelling on the bad.....just simply remembering the bad. But doing so, you are actually opening yourself up to additional healing. You are gaining new insights to your situation. We survivors can grow and learn from this. Narcissists think they are perfect, so they don't look inward and don't feel the need to grow and gain insight. If you haven't already, find a therapist well versed in narcissistic and emotional abuse recovery. That will help in your healing journey. Also, maybe try to find a local in-person support group. Being amongst fellow survivors can provide you with some strength too. Do you have any hobbies? What about learning something new? Like maybe gardening, painting, or going for a hike on a nature trail. Taking small steps each day will help. Also, if you haven't already, go over to my Facebook page by this same name.....just click on the "F" icon at the top of this page to stay in touch. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.
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Sarah
2/22/2017 08:53:03 pm
I was with this guy for 4 years, he started using drugs (meth) he became very paranoid, abusive both verbally and physically. It was like he was a totally different person. He cheated on me with females I thought of as friends. He was a narcissist to the T. I left him, got a restraining order on him started going to counseling ect. For some reason I started to miss him, I contacted him. He responded, he was off of the drugs, working. He later told me he wanted to get his life straight because after loosing me he realized he was really messing his life up. I needed to know for sure he changed, it's been about a year now. He's still clean. I don't live with him. But we see each other every other day. He seems to have really changed, he owned up to all the messed up things he had done. Didn't blame me for anything. Treats me really respectful. So my question is can drug Abuse cause someone to become narcissistic? Once they are clean can they be normal in relationships?
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Jenn
2/26/2017 06:08:45 pm
Sarah......I'm not a licensed therapist, so I can't say for sure if your guy is a full blown Narcissist or not. It does sound like he had some inner issues to work on, though. I do hope he has changed for the better. But it's always best to be cautious. Be on the lookout for red flags that could indicate narcissistic behavior. One thing I'm curious about though.....if you got a restraining order, how is it that you could contact him? Was it a temporary order? Anyway, I'm sure his drug abuse did not help the situation. Seeing as he's clean now, I do hope he has changed for the better. I know that being on drugs can cause a person to not act like themselves. But like I said, keep your eyes open for any of the red flags. I wish you well. I will be here if you have any further questions. And if you haven't already, click on the "F" icon at the top of this page and like my Facebook page of this same name. I post much more than blogs there. You can always contact me there, too. Take care.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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