The Jekyll and Hyde Narcissist. You never know what you're going to get. So you walk on eggshells. You are careful what you say and do. They are mean. They are nice. The back and forth makes you dizzy and unsure of what's real. This guest post discusses the long term effects that this type of person can have on you.
AFTER THE HONEY MOON, LOVE BOMBING PHASE...here comes the Jekyll and Hyde personality...what happens when you stay with an abusive narcissist over time? I did, as did my now wife, so here's what we found out:
By Honey Moon period I mean what happens when you first meet someone and are just getting to know them, and that period of time right afterwards....but before you realize that he/she has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Or perhaps after the person cheated, or hurt you terribly, begged forgiveness, and you forgave them....so things became great for a while. Sex is the best ever.....but, OH NO, they start back into behaviors that hurt again and again. I am going to discuss a particular type of dysfunctional narcissist that often gets his/her hooks into us emotionally, and because of this Jekyll and Hyde personality, we go through cycles of horrible times and make up times. I'm going to talk about what they are like. I know there are a lot of people on this page who will recognize this kind of person. When you meet someone, or you go through a make up period, your brain chemistry gets flooded with chemicals that make you feel great...but, chemicals are not tools for thinking about whether something is a good idea or not, so, when we do what makes us feel good at the moment, no wonder things go so wrong. I'll skip over the good feelings of meeting and making up and go right for the problems. What I say here applies equally to both men and women, though for convenience I may use only one gender, usually the man. So, after the honeymoon after meeting or making up, now he/she is Jekyll and Hyde...suddenly, here comes unexpected anger, or other behavior that should cause you a lot of concern...but the problem is that although the alarm bells should be going off, they don't. The red flags are obvious, but you decide to overlook them. How does that happen? YOU RATIONALIZE......this is a word you should know. It means when we see something we know is wrong or bad or upsetting or should be alarming, we smooth over our own feelings by making up reasons for the behavior that make it seem not so bad, or even good. But, changing the label on a bottle of poison so that it reads “strawberry jam” doesn't make it less poisonous. I've found a lot of rationalizers play a good game of “yes, but.” Yes, he/she blows up and I get scared, but he had a very bad childhood. Yes, he uses drugs/alcohol, but he's under a lot of stress. And so forth. This sort of rationalization leads you down the wrong path to a dead end. I'm not talking about someone, for instance, who is a good, kind person, and has a bad day, so loses his temper, and apologizes for his behavior. That's normal. However, this Jekyll and Hyde personality is not remorseful, and in fact, will likely blame you, or justify what they did, or come up with excuses. Or, they apologize, but do it again and again. You are in trouble if this is happening. Rationalization gets to be serious when you are in a dysfunctional, narcissistic marriage/long term relationship because you will tend to do it more and more , as more and more bad things occur. His excuses, plus your excuses for him should wear thin, but they don't, so you stay when you should go. You become aware that the person has a dark side, but if you rationalize you will say that this is not “the real him/her,” and perhaps decide that if you just love them more you can change them/fix them. But, you can't. Perhaps they are financially irresponsible, or are a cheater, or a liar, or unstable, or engages in substance abuse, or....or any other thing, that when it happens, it is like a different person. The key here is that IT ISN'T A DIFFERENT PERSON.....it's the way he/she really is when not on their best behavior. It's their personality, not a one off problem. This kind of person has you constantly up and down, happy and unhappy, like a teeter totter or like being on a ferris wheel, going up and then down. This creates a huge amount of anxiety in you because you are walking on egg shells and you never know what will happen next to set him/her off, or he/she will do it again. It can affect your sleep, physical, and mental health as well. The thing is, when you excuse this behavior in them, you set yourself up for the next “hit”. I often say that dysfunctional people get their hooks into us, but in truth, we put the hooks in ourselves and keep them there. Now, Jekyll and Hyde may apologize afterward, it's true, but unlike a normal person, this doesn't stop it from happening again. It just INITIATES THE HONEY MOON PERIOD again, which will be followed by another incident. YOU FOCUS ON HIS “POTENTIAL” rather than what's actually happening...this is an example of making excuses/rationalizing for Jekyll and Hyde, and probably worse, you might agree with him/her and blame yourself for the problem. Now you are in full blown co-dependency because you decide you can control his behavior if you just do this, or don't do that. But you can't, and it's a trap. YOU EXCUSE HIS ABUSIVE CRITICISM, OVERT OR IMPLIED. Jekyll and Hyde people can be incredibly critical and abusive, alternating with being Mr. Nice. My wife says of her ex husband that she was always sort of a roving target for his negative comments, which came out of no where. Implied criticism comes with looks on his/her face, acting disgusted, disappointed in you, and other such acts. YOU THINK THAT IF YOU LISTEN CLOSE ENOUGH YOU CAN LEARN TO DO WHAT HE/SHE WANTS, and so have a good relationship. By this time, you have lost all perspective, and are tolerating things you should never tolerate. Instead of putting the responsibility on him/her, you have put it on yourself. He blames you and you blame you, so you agree on something, at least. HE HAS YOU THINKING YOU NEED TO BE PERFECT. This follows from the criticism above, and is another toxic element. YOU WISH YOU COULD SOMEHOW READ HIS/HER MIND so could avoid the problem in some way....or if you could just anticipate what he/she needs and wants, etc. This is co-dependency, because you are not taking care of yourself and your needs are forgotten. If he/she has been saying things that are more or less, “You should have....”, and you know that you couldn't have known or anticipated this, and that it's unreasonable to expect this.....good, you have realized that he/she is manipulating and abusing you. HE EXPECTS CONSTANT ADMIRATION and demonstrations of approval and gets angry or upset when he/she doesn't get it, then your Jekyll and Hyde person is certainly a Narcissist. HE/SHE EXPECTS YOU TO PROTECT THEM FROM ALL LIFE'S DISAPPOINTMENTS and is very angry when you can't....it's not possible. HE/SHE ENGAGES IN SPLITTING...that is, idealizing you, and then demonizing you. Humans don't usually live up to some far fetched ideal, so when you don't, he/she attacks you verbally and/or nonverbally. One thing I could never get through to my ex wife about people, is that you have to be reasonable in your expectations, but Jekyll and Hyde people expect you to meet their expectations and make you pay the price when you don't. If any of the above sounds familiar, you are dealing with a very disturbed, highly narcissistic person with whom you won't be happy. You'll notice that it's really all about them, and if they can get you to buy into that and make it all about them, and leave your own reasonable needs behind, they will. If you have been doing so, time to rethink.
**Reprinted with permission from Soulmates in Hell. Originally published on December 1, 2015.
14 Comments
Jennifer Butler
5/19/2017 07:54:10 am
I feel like I just read my life story.
Reply
Jenn
5/28/2017 04:42:27 pm
Jennifer.......Isn't it odd/strange how we survivors have never met, yet can have such similar stories? I find it maddening that Narcissists seem to all KNOW how to be Narcs. Ya know? I mean, did they take a "How to be a Narc" class or something?
Reply
Mandy pearce
5/19/2017 08:19:35 am
This is a perfect description of my husband in fact hes accused me of being Jekyll & Hyde
Reply
Jenn
5/28/2017 04:43:26 pm
Mandy.....What he did was called Projection. He is accusing you of saying and doing the things he himself are saying and doing. It's great that we begin to notice these things so we can protect ourselves more. Ya know?
Reply
So true.
5/19/2017 12:02:56 pm
Reply
Sarah
5/19/2017 08:18:18 pm
All those things AND the most uncooperative. Like dealing with an evil-spirited 5 year old.
Reply
Jenn
5/28/2017 04:43:53 pm
Sarah.....Yes, exactly!
Reply
Tina
5/20/2017 05:17:41 pm
Excellent article! After 23 years of marriage to the "poster child" person you just described, I have learned about narcissism and an trying to regain my own life, my own desires and find my own happuness but it is not easy when you have been lost into someone else's dream world for so long. Thank you for describing it so well. I will refer others to this article as I wish I had found this topic years and years ago!
Reply
Jenn
5/28/2017 04:46:43 pm
Tina.....I am glad you found this article helpful. I repost things from the Soulmates in Hell blog about once per month. They have a public Facebook page called "Recovering from a relationship with a Narcissist - The Original." Facebook communities like mine of this same name and the public Recovering page have aided many survivors in their healing journey. Stay the course and you will find that you are making great strides in your journey. Take care.
Reply
lulu
5/20/2017 08:14:35 pm
i hear ya. been there so many times, and still falling for the same old, same old. grew up with a narcissistic mother - now deceased, thank you god. stays with you for the rest of your life and screws up any chance of ever knowing what normal is.
Reply
Jenn
5/28/2017 04:50:05 pm
Lulu......While it does hinder a person from living a perfectly healthy life, I think that having a Narcissistic parent or spouse won't screw up anyone from knowing what normal is. Oh it may seem like it at first. I get that. In fact, I've felt that way too. In the beginning, though. When I met my now-husband, it perplexed me that someone can be so kind and giving. I hadn't had that with my NX, of course. So naturally, I second guessed my husband in what he said or did. Nothing against him, of course. I was still in the beginning of my recovery journey. But now, he and I have been married for nearly 4 years and I realized that there still are good people out there. Hang in there. You too will find those good people. It will just take time.
Reply
S Marie
6/3/2017 06:01:22 am
It's 3 am and i can't sleep. Even from 2000 miles away, i am wrecked when he flips that switch. There's no more excuses i can make anymore. He's clean And sober for 2 months now. I helped him get there. My worst fear has come true. This Is just who he Is. He says all the right things and does a stellar job of making it all look like I'm the problem. I need a good therapist but I've been looking and so few really grasp this type of abuse. I feel like I'm going crazy pretty much most of the time. God help me.
Reply
Susan O
6/14/2017 05:02:49 pm
Marie, I'm still in the nightmare too. From my experience of 37 years in it, I doubt he isn't drinking. He doesn't change, he does what he does for one simple reason, "Because he wants to." Mine blames the booze pretends to stop drinking, then gets caught and blames it all on the booze, me, the weather, the whatever. Don't believe anything he says. In one of his raging bully sessions he will tell you not to believe him, he will tell you that he "is unable to change". If you listen past the blame game, it's there in his own voice... screaming it at you. He's a liar.
Reply
Julianna
7/1/2017 09:27:10 am
Marie.....I am truly sorry that you are going through so much right now. Have you searched for a women's crisis center in your area? Many crisis centers have lots of resources to help. What about asking your local church or even a hospital for assistance in searching? Just looking on a website for therapists may not do much, because sometimes their credentials aren't listed (like what they specialize in). When you approach places like crisis centers, churches, etc they may have better info that can point you in the right direction. I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey. May you find peace and strength.
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Like the FFNAEA Facebook page by clicking the icon below!
Welcome
Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
December 2022
The Top 10
Here you will find my most popular posts for easier discovery.
Tightening Your Facebook Privacy Settings How Narcissists Make Sure You Never Solve Problems In A Relationship How I Lost My Identity The Fake Apology Effects of Emotional Abuse Why You Should Never Defend Yourself Against The Narcissist's Smear Campaign Emotionally Abusive Behaviors Going No Contact: A List Of What To Do And What Not To Do An Open Letter To All Survivors Who Just Got Out Of An Abusive Situation Emotional Rape Categories
All
Copyright Notice
©2016-2023. Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material (in full or in part) without the express written consent of this blog's author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse with a link back to the original content.
Disclaimer
The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.
|