In the aftermath of any relationship with Narcissists, you will be left bewildered, disoriented, angry, depressed, confused. You won’t know which way to turn or where to go for help. You don’t know why you were discarded. All that you know is that you miss the Narcissist.
Is that even normal?
In a word? Yes. It is normal to miss the Narcissist. But it is so much more complicated than that. You are missing the person the Narcissist pretended to be. The fake persona. Narcissists do that to pull you in. To get you to trust them. But the fake persona is gone. It no longer exists. In its place is a very real monster. The kind of monster you wished wasn’t under your bed when you were a child. You now miss the person the Narcissist pretended to be. Where is that sweet, kind, funny and wonderful person? Is that person still there? Can that person ever come back? Well, maybe.....in the lovebombing phase. If the Narcissist isn’t done with you, that is. It is VERY typical of a Narcissist to toss out the “love” word very soon into the relationship, but that’s because the Narcissist is deep into the lovebombing. The Narcissist’s true evil self appears little by little. It’s also normal to want the Narcissist back, despite the pain and anguish you’ve felt because of the abuse. You think, “Maybe if I get the person back, I can get them to change. I can be better. Do better. Then they’ll see that I really want it to work.” Let me tell you something, readers. Narcissists do not miss you. They do not want you back the way you think they might. Oh, they may pour on the charm to push those buttons they are so good at pushing. They want to see if they can still have an effect on you. But they don’t want you back. Your love was real You were drawn in with promises of a “happily ever after” and true love. You were led to believe that you had found your “knight in shining armor.” You fell hard. You fell fast. Your love was real. And because of your love being real, you are going through a very real painful post-breakup mountain of emotions……Anger, sadness, depression, confusion, feelings of being lost. You need to process all of that. Unfortunately, Narcissists do not process emotion the way we do. They don’t feel the way we do. Heck, they don’t even feel. Processing your very real emotions is going to take time. A lot of time. It’s going to get confusing and messy trying to understand why your love was real and theirs wasn’t. They professed their love to you. That was real....wasn’t it? Nope. They say things like that to hook you in. To get you to fall for them. You had every reason to believe that people are good. So when the Narcissist came into your life and swept you off your feet, you felt so in love. You didn’t have a reason to think there could be evil people in the world who would be so intent on destroying others. And that’s the part your real love that needs to be processed. The part that was shattered along with the dream of “true love” and being swept off of your feet. The part that the Narcissist played and got you to believe in. I understand that at first, you wouldn’t understand what has happened. You are/were in love. And when you are dumped, it’s hurts. Badly. You are the same person you were in the beginning....a real, loving, caring, thoughtful, loyal individual. But the Narcissist changed. Why aren’t they the same person? They were so loving in the beginning! That is why it’s so hard for us survivors to “get” why the Narcissists seem to suddenly change before our eyes. How to process There is a quote by Sun Tzu that goes, “To know your enemy, you must become the enemy.” That doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to become a Narcissist yourself, it just simply means that in order to understand and process what it is that happened to you, you need to have a deeper understanding of the tactics that the Narcissist uses. To learn and unravel the mysteries that drive the Narcissists to do what they do. Once you begin to unravel that mystery, you can process all this newfound knowledge. Only then will it be easier to heal and recover. Was there a time that you missed the Narcissist? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
9 Comments
Sarah Anderson
11/17/2016 04:16:31 am
Yes... I missed him when I couldn't share with him something we once laughed about together. I shared a few things with him that we giggled over, and he ignored me. It hurt desperately. I trusted him. I loved him. And was never given a reason for him cutting me down and discarding me. All the plans we made, the laughter... it meant nothing to him. I am ashamed of myself for believing in him and trusting him because I should have seen through him.
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Jenn
11/22/2016 07:01:40 pm
Sarah....I know exactly where you are coming from. We invest so much of ourselves in the Narcissists. We fall in love. Our love was real. Theirs wasn't. Theirs was all fake. I too felt ashamed for falling for someone like that. I hope that in time, you will understand that you have nothing to be ashamed of.
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10/18/2020 12:17:32 pm
14 months on from my discard, I am unable to find a man who appeals to me in any way! I miss my narc ex, yes he was a shit and abused me terribly, but I miss him so much. I am afraid I will not be able to fall for anyone ever again.
nicola
6/21/2019 09:01:02 pm
I was used and when he filled the fuel he abused me verbally beat me so fear in to worthlessness and blamed me for his actions and I bring it all on myself. ignore me and give me silent treatment until he wanted something from me. I have never been a depressed person or jealous nasty selfish ever never hated anyone find it to exhausting. until I was brain washed blind sided by him and became someone I never wanted ever to be all cos of him and his manipulate tactic.
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Helen French
4/25/2017 04:56:34 pm
I also understand where you are coming from..I felt exactly the same way..still recovering from this kind of betrayal. ..our love was real exacty....thiers wasn't 😣
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Rick Arcusa
4/26/2017 04:10:54 am
I'm in the throws of a divorce from my narcissist. We've been married almost 14 years. I didn't have a working knowledge of what a narcissist is until about a month ago. Although, I've been quite familiar with her behavior patterns for many years. It's a very painful loss. But, it does help me to know that I wasn't imagining all of her abusive behavior patterns. It was quite an "aha" moment for me. I deeply miss the person she pretended to be. I loved that person very much.
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trinity Guayante
9/10/2018 03:43:32 am
I'm at the beginning of a divorce from my husband. I am so mad at him! All our dreams, plans, gone. No future, no growing old together. It hurts so badly. I'm so depressed. Sometimes I feel like I want my life to end just so I can stop feeling the way I do.
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Julianna
10/1/2018 09:11:23 am
If you feel you are in crisis, PLEASE call the suicide hotline.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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