If you've ever seen the popular movie The Wizard of Oz, you'll be familiar with the winged monkeys that the Wicked Witch had helping her. She would send out the monkeys whenever she needed her evil plans to be carried out.
Narcissists are very much like the Wicked Witch.
You see, Narcissists will use people to do their bidding. It's abuse by proxy! Using others to abuse you is an extremely underhanded way to continue the abuse, even after the relationship is over. It doesn't matter if the people know they are a flying monkey or not. The end result is still the same - the target is left feeling abused by more than just the Narcissist.
Looking back on my situation, I have discovered that there have been those who seemed to get sick enjoyment out of attacking me. Even now, 6 years post-Narc, I come across people who seem to have an air of superiority about them and verbally attack me. (Why do they do this? Is it just to bolster their own inflated ego? Is it to push others down? I think it's both.) Flying monkeys achieve the Narcissist's goal of abuse by proxy by passing along the Narcissist's message. I know my NX has asked these people, because the words that come out of their mouths are exactly what my NX would say. It could be something simple as a "Hey, he wanted to know how your Dad is doing" or as verbally lashing as "You would go to bed with any man who would take you." (Yeah, that last one was actually said to me!) I have had friends who have Facebook messaged me to say "Did you know that he...." kind of thing. I know they don't mean to really hurt me, but by passing along any kind of message or a "what he's up to" thing, but I still would get a twinge of shame, guilt or even anger. That is why I have asked my friends and family to not tell me what he's up to, what his Facebook says, or anything of that nature. And you know, in a really awful way, I do want to know. I know, I know. That sounds like I'm still playing my NX's game of being his victim. Some would even call it Narc-Dipping. (See my blog post What Is Narc-Dipping for more.) I have a reason for doing what I do. Many times, the flying monkeys don't know the Narcissists are even using them like this. The Narcissists are SO good at manipulation, that they will have the flying monkeys completely convinced that the Narcissists are the victim and that the actual victim is the abuser! (Read my post The Great Manipulator for more on manipulation tactics.)
So why do Narcissist use flying monkeys?
A flying monkey is one of the many weapons in the Narcissist's arsenal. The sole reason Narcissists use flying monkeys is because they get to do the Narcissist's dirty work. This works out perfectly for the Narcissists because then they can claim innocence, and that they didn't do or say anything "wrong." They get to "keep their hands clean" and claim to be the proverbial victim! And oh boy, do the Narcissists play the victim incredibly well! Narcissists use flying monkeys to continue the abuse, even after the discard. It will come in the form of more verbal attacks, social media smear campaigns, and financial abuse. I had no idea While I was with my NX, I wasn't even aware of what a flying monkey was in the context of how Narcissists used people. I was too conditioned to believe the worst in myself. I didn't even think at the time that the problem was actually him! Since being away from my NX, I learned a few things. Like my NX's "therapist" was a flying monkey and helped him in my discard (read The Discard post for more information). On my my daughter's recent birthday, I also learned that my NX's new supply (NS) is also a flying monkey. And she doesn't even know it! I called to wish my daughter a happy birthday. They were apparently getting ready to go out. The next thing I know, the NS is doing my daughter's hair WHILE I'm on the phone with my daughter. Oh, the NX knew very well I was on the phone. He had the NS do that to see if I would give a reaction. The Narcissistic M.O. A Narcissist's modus operandi (or particular method for doing something) is that of a puppet master. They are the director of a play. And all the flying monkeys are their puppets. They tell their flying monkeys to do or say something and they go do it. In the Narcissist's eyes, their flying monkeys are only as good as what they can use them for. Once they no longer serve a purpose (as in the person begins to see what the Narcissists actually are), they are subsequently discarded and become a target themselves. One of the main goals of Narcissists is to isolate their victims. They will also attempt at turning friends and family against you by driving a very large wedge in between what was once a great relationship. They'll recruit them as flying monkeys. Sometimes, this ploy works. Many times, the newly recruited flying monkey will never see your side of things, no matter how hard you try to convince them. That person is now set on seeing the worst in you. (I should know.....this has happened to me. A person I used to be close to now sees the worst in me.) Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it. The person will just have to see it for himself or herself. Have you had experience with flying monkeys? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
22 Comments
Melly
12/28/2016 02:31:55 am
My dealing with a widowed narc mil, her sister, my bils and other family members attacking me in subtle ways. This woman is so miserable because I married dh. She has been trying to get dh to leave me since day 1. She wants him to live in her basement forever. .or at least near by. Not going to happen. If we start a family, I want to live at least 1 hour away from her- or I know thier toxicity will impact my marriage, more than it already has. I feel most of her flying monkeys truly believe she's a victim, the others don't want us to move because they will have to put up with her for the most part. I've tried being kind and loving, she is just negative and so passive aggressive it's nauseating. I hope she will back off eventually. I don't hate her, I care about her but since she has tried coming between my dh and I, I know I can never have a real relationship with this woman. I try to not be alone with her.
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Jenn
12/30/2016 07:51:28 pm
Melly......Sounds like your best bet would be to distance yourself from her in the meantime. Go low-contact. If you have to have contact with her, give her short answers to any questions. Don't freely give her information about your life or your marriage. How does your DH feel about this?
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MHMC
9/4/2017 11:47:29 am
Exact same here. Covert Narc MIL. Covert narc xh. He lives in her house now, and she was always his "first love". We were married 16 years but I always felt like "the other woman".
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Rhonda Jackson
3/14/2017 02:48:52 pm
I deal with one right in my church but it's going to come a time when God's judgement will come down on her
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Jenn
3/29/2017 06:21:51 pm
Rhonda.....I'm a firm believer in the innocent receiving vindication one day. Those who do harm against us will eventually face justice. I'm not sure how or when. But I know it'll happen.
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Anabel
7/17/2021 04:29:42 am
Thank you for your comment I totally agree with you even thou it hurts being I thought I loved my nx.☹️
linda
4/10/2017 03:47:20 pm
How do I handle my son being the flying monkey and my dil is the narc? I am at the receiving end of all of her hate. My son refuses to acknowledge the truth. In addition her Mom is one of her flying monkeys also. My husband and I have bee targets for years. I don't know how someone can lie and lie and lie yet still claim to be telling the truth.
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Jenn
6/7/2017 10:36:17 pm
Linda......I'm so sorry you are enduring this. Can you limit contact with you DIL? I would also suggest using the Grey Rock method with her. Answer her questions as succinctly as possible.....yes or no would suffice. Can you let your son know that you'd rather have him not play the messenger, and to have her say things directly to you? Then, go Minimal Contact with her, as I said above and use Grey Rock. Don't give her any additional info that she doesn't ask for or need. Because as I found out, what you say to a Narc CAN be used against you. Hang in there.
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Claire
4/30/2017 07:27:41 am
This is happening to me now. I have a lot of older brothers and sisters. One sister has managed to turn the rest of my siblings against me. They don't hold back on insults at any given situation.. Christmas, my birthday, saying goodbye to our father before he died in the hospital. I just keep my distance fearing an escalated moment.
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Jenn
6/7/2017 10:38:41 pm
Claire.....I am sorry you have had to endure all of that. Good for you for keeping your distance. Limit your contact with them as much as you can. But when you absolutely have to communicate with them, use the Grey Rock method.....give little to no emotion at all in your responses. I have also found that not providing any additional info to the Narc (other than a direct yes or no) is helpful. Because, as I mentioned above to Linda, a Narc CAN and will use anything you say against you later. Hang in there.
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Bishop
6/8/2017 10:40:45 pm
My ex has done all of these so many times. I was told that I would put my p*n*s in any hoe I could while she was sleeping around. Plus she would make sure that everytime she let our kids see her NS, they would come back to me with something from him. Even though he is married himself.
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Julianna
7/9/2017 01:02:35 pm
Bishop.........I am sorry that you have to endure that. Children should never be put in the middle of stuff like that. To use them to pass information back and forth, or to ask them to spy on the other parent is very toxic and can be quite damaging to the children. Hang in there. If you haven't already, come check out my Facebook page of this same same.....it's a large community of survivors helping survivors. See you there.
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Mantosh
7/11/2017 08:10:28 am
This is one hell of a problem that I am so
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Julianna
7/30/2017 10:49:36 am
Mantosh........I am sorry that you have dealt with all of that. It is certainly difficult to ascertain who is a flying monkey and who isn't. I mean, the Narcissist will use whoever they can to get to their targets. The best bet if you suspect anyone is a flying monkey is to cut contact with them. Go no contact. Block their email, their social media profiles, etc. I have come to learn that having any kind of toxicity in my life is detrimental to my healing journey. Flying monkeys can be tricky to spot because many times, they will pretend to be your friend just to get info out of you. Be careful who you open up to. I've learned the hard way to not be so open and honest with people. Not everyone is your friend. Hang in there. You've got this. You can maintain your healing journey. You know the signs of what to look out for. Take care of yourself. I will be thinking of you.
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Julie
8/6/2017 04:52:34 am
I am blown away at how similar these descriptions are of my life. I've been gone from NX for 4 years. Through therapy I learned about Narcissists. It took 4 years of therapy to process all of what happened to me and my kids. I didn't even know it was abuse. I felt crazy but deep down inside I knew something was off with him. Unfortunately I've spent the last 2 years working for a NARC. I had not healed enough to recognize the signes and some were different because the abuse took place at work. I've spent the last few months dealing with my boss' flying monkeys. I had no idea! This makes so much sense and confirms so much for me. There's a name for this craziness! Flying Monkeys!!! Thank you so much! I am having a hard time because I am blaming myself for getting into this situation again. Once I realized it, I was making good money and afraid to leave as I was and am still dealing with financial ruin from the NX. I am also in a new relationship and I am so afraid that he will turn out to be a NARC. Do you have any advice on how to tone down the spot light I have on this new relationship so I can be more realist, aware and intuitive. I'm just so afraid of keeping the cycle of NARCs in my life going. Than you for your opinion and advice.
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jeanne
9/4/2017 11:35:13 am
Wow all flying monkeylies around me telling me to be the bigger person and apologize. They really recruit when They cut u off and you refuse to come back apologizing! I need mire input on FB about gaslighting. I finally get flying monkeys! Thank you so much! I so needed this education!
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Philip
2/26/2018 02:50:30 pm
I got approached by one of her FMs, but I saw it coming. My first response at the mention of the ex, was to ask "Oh, is she showing symptoms?". When I was asked what I was talking about, I mentioned "Oh, I've had HIV for years. Before I met her. She has not shared with you?" I figured that if she wants to dish out a smear campaign, she should be able to also take it. Have not heard back.
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After an awakening I commenced a journey of hope that led me to find peace and appreciation for who I am. I was and am constantly bombarded by two circles of narcissist enablers. The harassment and bullying has cost a great deal. However, my freedom is worth it. People describe and praise a person I do not know. I am divorced (4 years grateful) and still the enablers harass and try to force me to reconnect. I am determined to stay no contact and live.
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9/15/2018 01:04:13 am
I hope you don't mind me quoting and linking to your blog post. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse but met many many more narcissists outside of romantic relationships and I feel it is really important we educate ourselves on the different shades of Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Sharing my story here in hope to help others who might be in similar situations: http://souljournaling1.blogspot.com/
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Mrs. Davis
3/19/2019 09:39:35 am
I had a narcissist foster mother . Married two men whi were narcissists , have had narcissist friends . Still have one at least. A year ago i met a man who i realised was starting to abuse me . Then i began to find all this stuff on you tube and at last begin to realise what was going on. My son ditched me just after my mother died , now my daughter has ditched me , because i woke up and put my foot down after she started to abuse me more seriously. I now realise that my children are continuing what my mother did . Shes still abusing by proxy , using them as her flying monkeys. My daughter was a covert narcissist , but shes coming out into the open. Of course i wonder if i am one and am rigorously self examining . But of course thats what they do they make you feel its your fault. What a steep learning curve ! Still i'm glad i understand more whats going on. We are the strong ones , eventually , it took me years to come out of my mothers control and stand on my own two feet. K
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4/2/2019 09:36:02 pm
I just started learning about how traumatizing and draining it is, to be with a man who is a narcissist. He has been physically abusive, emotionally abusive, and plays tricks with my head. He never does anything wrong, and when I have caught him in the act, swears that if I hadn't of done, "this or that", then he wouldn't have acted, or yelled, or was brutal towards me. He will my apologize for cheating, breaking my neck, punching me in my face and head. I'm stuck because this man will not accept responsibility, and I feel like I can't move on from this stuff. It's like a rancid, boiling pot of dysfunction, that I continue to carry around inside of me. I have been diagnosed with battered wife syndrome, lying to law enforcement so that he doesn't get in trouble. How can I begin to set healthy boundaries? Or is it beyond any help, and I should get as far from him as I can? We have kids together, and on 2 separate occasions filed for divorce. But, never followed through with it. I have no support system, am isolated, and my family doesn't like to come around because of him. Help me, please...
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