Part of the game that Narcissists play is to condition us to believe that we are at fault for all that goes wrong in the relationship. Whatever your relationship with the Narcissist is (parent, sibling, significant other), they will cause us to blame ourselves for their actions, our reactions and the downfall of the relationship. So how do we escape that self blame?
Rollercoaster
Our healing journeys are a rollercoaster ride full of peaks and valleys. Our emotions will be all over the place. We will want to hide from the world because of the guilt and shame we harbor. So it stands to reason that part of this messy journey is holding onto the self blame. There is a way to escape all of that, though. And it will take a lot of work on our parts. Escape Like Yoda so wisely said, “You must unlearn what you have learned.” What did he mean by this? As humans, we are conditioned to know and understand things about the world. However, more often than not, what we think we know is incorrect. What we think we know. Let that sink in just a moment. The Narcissists told us what to know and understand. They conditioned us to believe the worst about ourselves, about our feelings, about our emotions. About the world around us. So of course, we are going to know something different. We are going to know what the Narcissists want us to know. And all of that is incorrect. All that the Narcissists have told us is wrong. You are not what they say you are. You CAN escape this thought process. You CAN retrain your mind to think different thoughts. To believe different thoughts. The Narcissists want us to believe that we are to blame for their actions. Let me clear about something – You are NOT to blame for someone else’s actions or inactions. What other people do or don’t do is THEIR choice. To escape that way of thinking, survivors just simply need to retrain their mind with more positive thoughts. Thoughts like, “I am not to blame” or “I cannot control another person’s actions.” Begin to talk more positively to yourself and your mind will turn itself around in due time. Bottom line You can escape the self blame. It will just take time and patience. Time, because healing is an ongoing process that does not need to be rushed. And patience, because we need to be gentle with ourselves in our healing journeys. What has been your experience with escaping the self blame? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
4 Comments
Daisy
8/5/2018 09:53:12 pm
Honestly, I’ve decided it’s easier to blame myself (even though I know better after much therapy if that makes any sense). The reason for this is all my life, I was raised to take responsibility for my actions and often for things I had no control over. The perfect target for the narcissist. He had no problem convincing me everything was my fault, and I believed him easily. After much therapy and a huge awakening to just how much abuse and brain-washing I’d been subjected to and how this was NOT normal like I thought, I finally stopped agreeing or remaining silent when people he’d influenced so much (even my own family) would imply things were my fault through comments such as, “Your children still love you and will forgive you”, etc. I just couldn’t stomach it anymore and tried to finally speak the truth about the abuse I’d been subjected to and how twisted and wrong it all was. This has backfired tremendously. Now, I’m treated as though I’m crazy, trying to avoid taking responsibility (although that’s not my personality at all), and I’m even treated as someone who lies or makes up untrue stories!!!! I’ve NEVER nor will I ever have the imagination to make up the shit I was put through! Every single day is a struggle, I stay so confused, can’t understand the lack of logic by people I believed knew me, loved me and would protect me. He is a genius at manipulating others. It’s a trait he often bragged about, how he could make anyone believe anything he wanted and he could make anyone like him. It’s true!! I’m in disbelief at the lack of support. I’m so isolated, depressed, confused, and have given up completely on ever having a normal life. The back story is just absolutely insane. I can’t believe one person has been able to determine and control every facet of my life, even after I’d finally gotten healthy. I believe mentally, socially, emotionally, I would have been better off to continue to blame myself, which would have made it easier to swallow the fact that everyone else blames me for all the things that have gone wrong in my life as well. Has anyone else been met with this adversity and where/ how did you get help and get through it. I can’t stand this much longer.
Reply
K.W.
11/29/2019 08:04:00 pm
I identify with your words 100%. Could have written them myself. ALL of my remaining family (many have passed away in the last 5 yrs) has been “turned” by my narcissist/sociopath ex to think I’m a terrible person. (I was straight As, no drugs, never in trouble, people pleaser....he was doing drugs at 12, habitual truancy, kicked out of military, liar, abuser...why go on, you get the picture) And after 5yrs, I can say with certainty, letting EVERYONE go is still better than staying with him. My life would be nothing, mean nothing, and stand for nothing if I had just stayed and let him continue to convince me I was at fault. He swiftly and astonishingly convinced my father, step mother, sister, living aunts, cousins, etc ON MY SIDE that magically I was now a druggie, alcoholic, near death, terrible wife and mother. He basically took all his hidden stories he was actually doing to me, and projected them as MY traits.
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nadro
5/28/2019 03:56:16 pm
My experience is very similar; now after being apart from narcissist for 23 years, I continue to see things more clearly regarding the tactics and timing he used against me. He worked at maintaining his image to outsiders, thus the 'blaming and ostracizing' you mention. My children have also been treated in similar ways. No easy answers, I do hold onto hope that folks may someday realize some of the truth of my situation!
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Ba Irby
7/12/2019 08:10:33 pm
Someone very dear and close to me is Narcissist. Interested in all comments.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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