Many times, children are the unfortunate victims in divorce proceedings with a narcissist. They are used pawns in the Narc's game of payback against the victim.
Because narcissistic and emotional abuse is so insidious and vicious, its impact is on both the spouse and the children born of the relationship. It's unfortunate, really. Children are innocent and their only desire is to be loved, cherished and valued. The big issue with that is, children are never valued....at least not in the Narc's eyes. They are just a playing piece in their game.
In the Narc's eyes, children are the perfect pawns in their game to use against the spouse. My NX sought custody of the children in the divorce....and won. Why? Because he played the part of the victim so well, that the court thought that I was the threat. He acted like the perfect parent. He manipulated the court system. (See my post on The Great Manipulator.) And because he was awarded custody, that gave him the ultimate tool to use to continue to control and abuse me. In the decree, he made it my responsibility for pick up and drop off. Ok, so not bad if we lived in the same city or even in the same state. But he purposely lives on the opposite coast! And that is why I don't see my children often. A Narc will also do things and claim it's in the best interest of the children. Since my discard, my NX has moved so many times, that my daughter just completed her SIXTH school in 5 years! And she only just finished the 4th grade! (I have been in the same home for 5 years now.) He claims it's because he moves for work. But I know better than that. Narcs will also use whomever they want for whatever they want whenever they want. This narrow view also extends to their children. They see the children as extensions of themselves. They will emotionally abuse the children as yet another way to control their former spouse. It's quite unfortunate that the children end up paying the price in this vicious game.
Perfect example
The Narc will use the children to deflect their own bad behavior onto the children as a way to get back at and abuse the other parent. I remember one time in May 2012 when I was visiting my children. My mother came out for the short visit, as well. My mom and I were sitting in the living room with the children and playing with their toys. The staircase leading to the upstairs was right next to the living room. My NX was on the staircase and looking down on us as we were playing. He was talking about something and said the word "bastard." I looked up at him and glared. He innocently said, "What?" He then proceeded to say to my then 6 year old daughter, "We don't say bad words do we? Remember when you said a bad word that one time? And we don't say that anymore, do we?" He deflected his own mistake onto my daughter. I caught the look in her eyes when he was saying that. Her eyes diverted to the floor and her head drooped. He made HER feel bad for HIS mistake! She didn't even know she was being emotionally abused. There's an amazing quote by Lundy Bancroft in his book "Why Does He Do That" that fits perfectly well with the above example. He said, "Children who grow up exposed to an abusive man's behavior learn that abuse is the price people pay if they want to receive love. This training can make it harder for children to recognize when they are being mistreated and to stand up for themselves." Your Part in This The one thing that you can do for your children is to always be there for them. Show them that there's one parent who won't criticize, judge, blame, etc. I remember when I visited with my children in the summer of 2014, my daughter asked me (twice in one day, mind you!), "Why don't you yell at us like daddy?" So the children DO notice that the Narc parent treats them MUCH differently than the non-Narc parent. I explained to my daughter that several years ago, I used to yell a lot. But I learned not to and found other ways to get my feelings out. What I've learned is that the more you treat your children with kindness, love, understanding, patience and general goodness, they will see on their own the differences between you and the Narc parent. I don't yell at my children. I don't have to. I don't WANT to. I've learned to treat them like real people. Not use and abuse like a Narc would. Has your NX used your children as pawns. Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
10 Comments
Zyda Trombley
7/4/2016 03:55:46 am
i am going through this right now. I had no one to turn to where I lived with my ex and no way to support myself. I was desperately miserable but i didnt quite know why. I left my two sons with him and came home 1300 miles to Texas so I could try to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Except, it wasn't what was wrong with ME.... long sad story, I havent seen my sons in over a year. i am thankful every day that i wake up without hin near me, but i sure do miss my boys and wish i had taken them. I thought he would have the law after me if i brought them though, and i didnt have anywhere or anything to take them to.
Reply
Jenn
7/4/2016 11:19:17 am
Zyda.....Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know how it feels to "not know why" you feel that way. Narcs love to make their victims feel unsure of themselves. But way to go for getting away and getting to a place where you can think things out. I know how it is not to see your children for an elongated period of time. My NX lives on the opposite coast, and a few weeks ago was the first time in nearly 2 years that I saw them. I will keep you in my thoughts. Take care!
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7/12/2016 04:17:11 am
Your post about shaming was spot on for me. He used two isolated incidents to make me ashamed that I had not been a good mother. I am only just realizing how badly it hurt me. Never a word about the thousands of times I cared for and loved them, but the two times in 15 years that I wasn't paying enough attention ? Wow. What a complete asshole. I was so ate up with guilt that I thought it would be better if my sons were with him while I dealt with what was wrong with me. I miss them so much. I tried to see them and he made death threats to me from my sons phone, screaming Bitch I will END you . I made a police report, not that it will help
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Jenn
7/12/2016 08:08:49 am
Zyda.....I appreciate your thoughts. I know where you are coming from. My ex loves to toss out the "you're a bad mother" or "you're a deadbeat mom" insults often. You know you're a good mom, and that i what matters. Focus on that. Focus on how much you have provided for your children and keep on being the awesome person you are. Your children will eventually see the truth. And keep reporting to the police if you have to. It will show a pattern of behavior. Hang in there.
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Autumn1j
1/26/2018 06:14:27 pm
Police reports do matter. Report EVERYTHING you can.... It creates a baseline for the narcs character. When you apply for a protection order those reports are all you have that matters to the court system. Its no longer he said she said... The police taking any situation serious enough to make a report is the best thing you can do.
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Survivor
3/4/2017 12:57:09 am
I am going through this exact thing right now. I do have my children but 6 years after leaving, he is still dragging me through court trying to gain custody of the kids. Our daughter was born after I left him and he has spent hardly anytime at all with her but wants custody of her also. I did leave and go home and he did get me in trouble with the law. His false accusations and lies were all believed by the judge 😔 He claims I am a horrible person for trying to split the children up when in reality it is what he is trying to do by getting custody of my oldest two children and move them to Florida with him. I am forced by the courts to "communicate" with him through an email forum, but there is no way to communicate with him. It is just me having to constantly defend myself against his lies that because he has written in an email all of a sudden becomes truth. I am indigent and can not afford to continue in court any longer. I am terrified he is going to get the kids 😞
Reply
Jenn
3/5/2017 10:49:06 am
Survivor.......Just keep every piece of documentation that you can. Everything adds up. Has your lawyer given you advice as to what you can do when you can no longer afford continually going to court? What about getting a pro bono lawyer? Above all else, maintain calm when in court. Any outburst or anything like that can be seen as the Narc proving his point. When you go to court, mention the stability that the children have with you......their friends, their education, etc. Any disruption in their life would not be in the best interest of the children. Make it about the children, as it should be. That way, you can still get your point across that the Narc is doing this just to hurt you without actually saying that. You are bringing your children's emotionally, physical, geographical and educational well-being into it. Hang in there.
Reply
I was in a relationship with a narc for 18 years ,with the lies ,deception and deflection ,many times bringing me to my knees ,making me ill and questioning my own sanity. He has 2 children but only bothers with 1 of them ,probably because one child is quite strong and the other is so desperate for his fathers attention he does everything he can to please him.my son plays rugby and because I want to stick to no contact asked if he could go to the away games because he drives and I go to the home games because I dont .I thought this was a fair solution to both supporting our son without breaking no contact.he has refused this which means I cant go to any games.he told my son this is on me that he doesnt have a problem with me but that I have the problem with him .I removed myself from narc abuse and the compulsive lies to look after my own mental health and actually caught him out on his lies which he has refused to acknowledge.this action of denying me peace to watch my kid at home games whilst giving him the freedom to go to his away games is him still being able to control me by using our son .its a horrible situation but I can only hope one day my son will see what his father is like but im determined I wont break no contact so will support both our children in my own way .
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Andrew
12/12/2019 09:49:58 pm
My NX has used our daughter for years as a means of control and profit. She only sees our child simply as a pay check and means to cause added harm with the courts as her tool of destruction. I'm called crazy despite having a standing appointment with counselors so we can do group counseling for over 5 years. Fathers here in New Mexico are not given any credit when attempting to resolve matters.
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CHRISTINA M AMWAY
2/26/2021 07:41:58 am
How can a mom prevent her NX from getting custody of their child?
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