Narcissists condition us to fear them. Fear of what they’ll say, what they’ll do. Fear of what might follow when they come home if we don’t obey their rules, their way of life. I lived this fear day in and day out. I lived in fear of how he’d react to something. Anything.
I can’t remember quite when the fear started. But it was sometime well into the relationship. It was well into my conditioning. He had me well trained at that point. I was in fear of how he’d react when he got home from work.
Before he came home
There was a period of time when I worked from home. Even when I went back to work, I would get home before him more often than not. So before he came home, I would rush around trying to tidy up. Make sure nothing was out of place. Make sure dishes were cleaned, laundry put away.
It invariably left me exhausted. I had two children to take care of by that point. I had a job. I even saw to the care of the pets in the home.
The inevitable fear coming true
But no matter what I did (or didn’t do), he would still find some infraction. There were some days he’d go on screaming tirades over that infraction. Other days, he’d stomp off quietly and let his anger simmer. On those days, I was in greater fear because of the quiet stewing he did.
Dammed if I did, dammed if I didn’t
If he went off on me about leaving lights on or cooking dinner the “wrong” way, I would correct that “mistake” and do it the way he wanted for the next time. But in true Narcissist fashion, he’d move the goal posts and change the rules. So the next time, he’d go off on me, he’d say, “Well I wanted the lights ON so that I could move about the house freely” or something to that effect. When I protested and said he told me the day before to turn lights off, he’d gaslight me and tell me he never told me that.
The NX would constantly change the “rules.” If I did something one way on one particular day, he’d want it differently the next time. When I did it differently that next time, he’d say he wanted it the first way. And back and forth it would go.
The NX was volatile in his actions and words. I couldn’t predict from day to day how he’d react to something. One day he’d be royally pissed about something, but the next day, that same thing wouldn’t faze him. And vice versa – what wouldn’t faze him, he became fazed by.
I lived in fear of anything and everything in regards to his reactions, his words. His unstable nature.
Living in fear of the Narcissists is no way to live at all. It became so much so, that I was in fear of what anyone would say or do. I became fearful of their reactions. It takes time to unravel the damage the Narcissists do to us. But it can done, my warrior survivor friends.
What are your thoughts on living in fear of the N? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you!
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The content of this site is told from the blog author/owner's personal experience of dealing with a male Narcissist. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are both male and female, and come from all walks of life. Furthermore, the content contained herein is not intended to be a replacement for medical or legal counsel. This blog's sole purpose is to provide support to those who have endured Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.