Narcissists condition us to fear them. Fear of what they’ll say, what they’ll do. Fear of what might follow when they come home if we don’t obey their rules, their way of life. I lived this fear day in and day out. I lived in fear of how he’d react to something. Anything.
I can’t remember quite when the fear started. But it was sometime well into the relationship. It was well into my conditioning. He had me well trained at that point. I was in fear of how he’d react when he got home from work.
Before he came home There was a period of time when I worked from home. Even when I went back to work, I would get home before him more often than not. So before he came home, I would rush around trying to tidy up. Make sure nothing was out of place. Make sure dishes were cleaned, laundry put away. It invariably left me exhausted. I had two children to take care of by that point. I had a job. I even saw to the care of the pets in the home. The inevitable fear coming true But no matter what I did (or didn’t do), he would still find some infraction. There were some days he’d go on screaming tirades over that infraction. Other days, he’d stomp off quietly and let his anger simmer. On those days, I was in greater fear because of the quiet stewing he did.
Dammed if I did, dammed if I didn’t
If he went off on me about leaving lights on or cooking dinner the “wrong” way, I would correct that “mistake” and do it the way he wanted for the next time. But in true Narcissist fashion, he’d move the goal posts and change the rules. So the next time, he’d go off on me, he’d say, “Well I wanted the lights ON so that I could move about the house freely” or something to that effect. When I protested and said he told me the day before to turn lights off, he’d gaslight me and tell me he never told me that. The NX would constantly change the “rules.” If I did something one way on one particular day, he’d want it differently the next time. When I did it differently that next time, he’d say he wanted it the first way. And back and forth it would go. My fear The NX was volatile in his actions and words. I couldn’t predict from day to day how he’d react to something. One day he’d be royally pissed about something, but the next day, that same thing wouldn’t faze him. And vice versa – what wouldn’t faze him, he became fazed by. I lived in fear of anything and everything in regards to his reactions, his words. His unstable nature. Bottom line Living in fear of the Narcissists is no way to live at all. It became so much so, that I was in fear of what anyone would say or do. I became fearful of their reactions. It takes time to unravel the damage the Narcissists do to us. But it can done, my warrior survivor friends. What are your thoughts on living in fear of the N? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
3 Comments
Jeff
12/1/2018 11:35:50 am
What you just wrote is spot on ! And until I left my wife, and found out what a true NX was I was clueless, with all my research with reading and watching and schooling my self I let’s just say the abuse went on for 33 years, And many times with her gas lighting I thought everything was my fault, it’s taking years to finally get over the hump and thank god for everything to get me passed The madness,
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I did not understand what a narcissist was all about till after 30 years of my life back and forth with one she was a covert narcissist / psychopath is one of the worst experiences of my life after the discard of going back and forth 30 years of relationship for children she told me she never did love me or never did want my babies in her it caused Great damage and trauma with inside of me I left on the final discard not talking or walking and it destroyed our family she did terrible things to me intentionally they are fully aware of the damage they do and can be heartless it's sad to think people like this exist but it's very important when we know something's wrong with inside of our hearts and God lets us know to study or what it is all about and that is the best tool we can have to find out about narcissism it exists people beware! This is something that I would not suggest anybody try to handle on their own it takes professional people to understand how to handle this problem or watch videos on on different types of narcissism they're on YouTube they can be found I know it's expensive to have therapists but it's extremely important to study this terrible thing called narcissism.
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Amanda
8/23/2022 06:48:55 pm
I slowly figured out what my fiance was and was floored. From him gaslighting me one day, stonewalling me the next. It is leaving me so mentally drained. I have tried multiple times to leave, even as far as paying rent elsewhere and I stay because I am an empath and try and see the good in him. There is no good, only turmoil. He is an adult bully who likes to push and push and push until they eventually make you react and then they turn around and act like victim stating how crazy you are. For my narc, all his ex's were crazy and when I stand up for myself, I am called crazy as well. He has no problem calling me names, threatening me if he doesn't get what he wants. It is slowly turning violent and he gets upset about literally everything. He proposed to me, then turns around and says he doesn't believe in love and it's fake. Constantly tells me if I don't like how he treats me to pack my things and leave, but we both own the house. Withholds affection when he doesn't get his way. I feel he has turned me into someone I don't like, I'm down all the time, full of resentment and anger for being treated like I don't matter. It will take a long time to heal....if I can ever make myself leave.
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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