Have you ever dreaded the holiday season? If you are or were with a Narcissist, it's no surprise. Narcs set out to destroy all that you love about this special time of year.
For many people, the holiday season begins in October with Halloween. You wait with anticipation to begin decorating the home. What about the hectic nature of planning parties, or shopping trips to the mall? We prepare for Thanksgiving. I know I look forward to making my special sweet potato dish and homemade cranberry sauce each year! Then we either prepare for Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa. I grew up in a dual-faith household, so I grew up celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah. Then comes the anticipation of ringing in the new year with friends and family.
So why is it then that Narcissists create such chaos during these happy times? You may recall in my post What Is A Narcissist, I discussed several of their characteristics, including their grandiose sense of self and their feelings of entitlement. It is in a Narcissist's nature to be the center of attention. They crave it. They must have it at all costs. They can't sit back and let you or anyone else smile and have a good time during the holidays or other special occasions. They can't have you (their favorite target) being the recipient of other people's affections! So they divert attention away from you and onto them. How do they divert attention away from you and onto them? They create drama. Like a drug addict going through withdrawal, Narcissists will do whatever it takes to obtain what they are craving. They must have the attention. If it's a birthday party for your child, the Narcissist will somehow make it all about themselves. I remember my NX created such drama on my daughter's first birthday party in 2007. He was just returning from field training and was upset that I had planned the party so soon after his return. He and I argued about it, of course. He "cautioned" me to behave in front of his military buddies at the park. He even hated me doting on my daughter at the park (because someone else was the center of attention). He didn't like that I wasn't kowtowing to his every whim, so he informed everyone the party would conclude at the house. (He claimed the moving of the party to the house was because it was quite windy out.) Then he created further drama when he was displeased that I cut the cake before Happy Birthday was sung. It was a party for my daughter, yet he had everyone talking to him. Only one other person (out of about 15 in attendance) sang Happy Birthday with me. Everyone else had been focused on the NX. Narcissists are unable to feel the true joy that is associated with the holiday season. They are keenly aware though that it's a time to cause others pain and anguish. "Beware the party planning Somatic Narcissist as well. They will be the first to step up to the plate to take over your special event planning for dinner parties, special events, holidays, and birthdays in an attempt to make themselves — rather than any special guest or group empathy being shared — look great. There is no sincerity in the desire to honor… only to be the star even when it is not their own special commemorative date."
The above quote is VERY true, especially of my ex-mother-in-law (XMIL), who is a Narc too. (I have no doubt that's how my NX learned to be one!) For my baby shower I had for my daughter in April 2006, my good friend at the time was supposed to be the one throwing the party for me. But my XMIL took COMPLETE control of the event....from where it was held, to purchasing party decorations, to getting there hours early to set everything up so my friend couldn't help at all. She also made sure to pick out the best table for HER family members to sit at, leaving my family at tables in the back. She also made a point to announce to everyone who came in that she had set up the room.
My NX never created drama on the day of my baby shower. He left that up to the Queen Bee.....his Narc mom! Did the Narcissist in your life ruin a holiday or special occasion? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
12 Comments
Lyn
9/26/2016 05:11:29 am
Yes my sons 21st, tried his damnest to keep me away from home that day until in the end I had to spell it out to him-I HAVE TO GO.
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Jenn
9/28/2016 06:09:10 am
Lyn......Sounds familiar. Narcissists will do that. They create drama then blame us. I'm sorry you had to go through that with your Narc.
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Hannah
11/1/2016 12:00:05 pm
My XN ruined every wedding I've been in by either fighting with me or causing some other drama. His Mother, also a N ruined my first baby shower by refusing to go to the one my sister created and doing another one later to show it up, and kept calling my son "our baby" my XN ruined my second baby shower by fighting with me right before i had to leave to go and refused to watch our son while i was there so he had to come sit with a bunch of girls. It was probably better for him not to be with his dad anyways. He's ruined every Christmas weve had since the kids were born by last minute backing out of plans with my family or on an agreement we had. Thankfully i left but the holiday ruining is far from over. last night was halloween and sure enough he showed up un invited and stole the show then pulled me outside and yelled at me after.
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Jenn
11/2/2016 08:46:56 am
Hannah......I'm so sorry that's happened to you. Narcs need to be the center of attention. They hate it when someone else gets it (like at a birthday party or baby shower), so they create chaos to put the attention on them. They bring us down to ensure we have a bad time at our celebrations or events. Oh, I agree that the ruining is far from over......my NX has custody, so I'm absolutely certain he will look for ways to ruin everything and out-do me to make himself look like the better parent.
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Kylee
12/25/2016 03:08:14 pm
I have visits with my 7 year old daughter at the moment which are supervised by my eldest daughter or my stepfather because of the narcs lies and the grooming of my daughter that he is trying so hard to turn against me. I spoke with her father about a fortnight ago in person when he turned up with her unexpectedly for a visit that he allowed without supervision (we are going through family court at the moment and supervision is one of the conditions) I think he allowed this due to the fact that my car hadn't been in my driveway over the past week due to repairs for a minor accident and he just wanted to know where I was basically. It was a Thursday and I had asked 2-3 days prior if I would be seeing my daughter on this Thursday afternoon to which I got no response so I hadn't made the arrangements for a supervised visit. On that Thursday afternoon my phone started ringing I was asleep on couch feeling depressed when I looked at the phone it was him calling so I ignored the call and he proceeded to call me another 2-3 times I didn't answer and then my 17 yr old girls phone starts ringing and it's him so I instruct her not to answer (because everything is meant to be written: text or email) then my phone starts ringing again and it's my 26 yr old daughter, I answer and she says "Mick has been trying to call you he wants to bring Tanya for visit and explains that he doesn't care if there is no supervision and that I should call him back because he had been outside my house when he was calling me and if I wanted to see my little girl I should hurry up. Of course I wanted to see her so I called him immediately and he had not left the area he was at local shopping centre so bought her back. When dropping her off he sat in his car near my front door so when I answered to let my girl in he says "where's your car?" Silly me goes up to car and explains I had a minor accident and was getting car repaired then the conversation carried on and I asked if I could see my daughter Sunday? He said that should be okay because he was playing baseball nearby and he would be able to pick her up and drop her off so then I asked if there was a way I could see her Christmas Day at all? He responded by saying he could bring my little one to my fathers for a couple of hours Christmas morning and pick her back up in time for lunch at his aunts so all good and I go inside.. When Saturday comes I text asking if he is still going to make my girl available for visit Sunday as verbally agreed and of course I got no answer and no visit, on the Thursday I got to see my girl for a few hours with a. Is it supervised by my father and once my daughter had been picked up I sent the narc a msg stating that I would be going on holiday next Thursday so could we please do the visit Wednesday night instead? Also asked if he was still willing to bring my girl past my fathers Christmas morning? To this msg I got no response at all so on Saturday the day before Christmas I asked my dad to msg him asking if he was going to bring Tanya past tomorrow morning so we can see her for Christmas? The narc responded to my fathers text four hours later saying "we are going away till Monday so won't be able to bring her past, sorry!"
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Jenn
12/30/2016 07:21:54 pm
Kylee.......Oh I am so sorry that he pulled that on you. They will always pretend that whatever verbal arrangements are "agreed" to didn't happen. Always get things in writing. Just move on from here and remember that for the future. I know it hurts that he ruined your Christmas. Narcs like to ruin whatever they can for us. That's why when my ex said they'd be away Saturday through this past Wednesday night, I wasn't going to count on talking to my children on the Skype last night. Though he did say through email he'd get the kids on the computer, I wasn't counting on it. Thought he'd come up with some excuse why it didn't happen. But it did. And I'm glad. My point is.....never believe anything they tell you. Get everything in writing, especially when it comes to your visits. One thing I don't understand is....why do you need to talk to him to schedule the supervised visits? Shouldn't supervised visits go through the person who is actually supervising??
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Sue k
6/23/2017 02:46:06 am
My narc this this at my mothers funeral, they had been asked to help with the carrying of my mums coffin, afterwards they spent the rest of the evening saying they had twisted their ankle while doing it, in the end I ended up transporting them to an A & E where they insisted on getting crutches etc. Now unfortunately I can never think of my mums funeral without thinking of the drama & mayhem they caused.
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Karrie
9/28/2017 04:59:08 pm
Mine ruined every holiday, birthday of celebration at our house. He would pick fights over something ridiculous like not folding his towels right or being at the door waiting for him when he came home...then he would go in the bedroom and stay during the special occasion. Afterwards I always knew I was in for it. He wouldn't talk to me for days and would make me sleep on the edge of the bed so I wouldn't be close to him. Things would be like this until he felt I suffered enough and said I was sorry enough times.
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Daphne Shaw
10/3/2018 11:45:36 pm
My ex the narcissistic sex addict bastard has ruined everything from valentines in 2010 to after spending 7 yrs in prison he came back and tried to ruin my entire life. Ive got to sit down and write the entire story out one day. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 1 week before he came home from prison. It would take a,long time to tell you what lengths this asshole went to to try to hurt me. I had chemo and lost my hair. When i think about it its really not something i want to waste my time on. This man is the most cruel, vindictive human ive ever kbown. But he didnt ruin me. He tried. 3000 texts and about 60 videos of him masturbating in a weeks time. I am ashamed that he and i ever were known to be around each other.
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Diane
11/24/2018 12:23:06 pm
This type of manipulation and drama just happened to me on Thanksgiving. My boyfriend showed up complaining that the day’s events weren’t happening on HIS desired time schedule, that he had been taken away from things he “could be doing”, and proceeded to spend the entire day barely acknowledging my presence, ate with a scowl on his face looking straight down, and then blamed me for not immediately leaving with him after dinner...and leaving my widowed mother to clean up by herself. He left my mother’s house without so much as a goodbye to me. Then he sent me a scathing text about MY behavior and I haven’t heard from him in two days. He refuses to acknowledge he is in a relationship with me on his FB after a year and a half, only posting his status as “in a relationship”. He has given me the silent treatment for 2 days now, yet hasn’t deleted the ONE picture of us together from his FB, nor changed his status to “single”. I am so confused! This has been a pattern with him through the duration of this relationship. How can he claim to love me yet do, and say, the things he does? Any advise is appreciated!
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Caz
12/31/2018 09:05:42 pm
It wasn’t exactly my narc. It was my dad. He hassss to be the center of attention. I can recall at least two times I had a birthday and he tried to get everyone’s attention. For one, our small family pretty much never invites relatives. So it’s just 4-5 total people. During elementary school I did a lot of class parties, so dad once held my cake. He first did not even verify that they were someone I enjoyed spending time with and when the other student asked, he tilts the cake so much it dropped! These days, he actually LAUGHS about it. It sure wasn’t funny for me, that’s for sure.
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Nat
12/16/2021 08:16:41 pm
Every single holiday!!!
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